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Author Topic: Confused about a friend?  (Read 642 times)
CryWolf
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« on: December 01, 2018, 03:07:11 AM »

So I have female friend whom we Met in class a Year ago. We have mutuals too.

We didn’t talk much after the semester ended.after a few months ago we sort of started talking again on campus randomly.  I got her a job at my job. And then we hung out 2-3 times after work. She actually started opening up to me and was more talkative and not  quiete/shy. She told me all these personally family stories and I saw her face light up after knowing her for so long. She even mentioned some places we can go and I did as well for the future.

She’s pretty shy/reserved before this.

Last week on my birthday, I took her medicine, cough drops and some other remedies to work. Because she’s been sick. I genuinely care about her. Then during lunch shift, I’m sitting in the back alone and I didn’t know where she went. Then all of a sudden she comes with a birthday cake and my coworkers, to sing me happy birthday... she has never got me anything before and getting a cake was a shocker. I didn’t think she would for me.
 
I was At a loss for words. We gave each other a big hug.  That was so sincere and cute.  Not until then; I wondered about my feelings for her. Then in front of our coworkers she hands me the medicine to pour her and I did that.

I asked her to food after work and she said yes but later cancelled cuz she was sleepy.

I text her that night to check on her and no reply...

I text her Tuesday night to meet up and study she said ok and we met up Wednesday. We both studied and nothing seemed unnatural. Besides both being stressed. I walk her to her car after and tell her to text me when she gets home safe... no text. Before she did

Thursday, we both have exams... I See her car and park next to her at 7am. send her a pic and say good luck. No reply. I leave my  exam and see her car at 1pm.:. She’s has a flat tire and tell her to let me know if she needs help (since I know about cars and Was convenient) No reply...

. I see her post on Snapchat today and she had work. We were initially just friends so now I’m confused. It’s out character for her to ignore me like that.  Did she end up catching feelings and is pushing me away? Is it because of exams? Did she not have feelings and realized I started so she’s pushing me away? So many possibilities.

She’s only had one boyfriend for -a year and this was 2 years ago so I’m not sure she’s playing “games”

What are some thoughts you all may share?
I like to see things from multiple outcomes and scenarios.

How should I proceed? Thank you
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« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2018, 07:04:22 AM »

Some say two unanswered communications is a sign to back off and wait for the other person to respond.
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CryWolf
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« Reply #2 on: December 01, 2018, 09:52:30 AM »

Some say two unanswered communications is a sign to back off and wait for the other person to respond.


You’re right Skip. Applying everything I’ve learned on this site and previous situations, I say people tend to back off with no prior reason. There could literally be any reason someone pulls away. But eventually they come back. Giving someone space to come and go is very important so they don’t feel “trapped”

I find myself focusing more on the “why” when it happens out of confusion. I need to get this part under control.

Two days went by with no text after I asked if she needed help with a flat tire. I got a text this morning that was light hearted and funny from her. Doesn’t make sense. But in any given case, backing off is the right decision.
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« Reply #3 on: December 10, 2018, 12:14:54 PM »

Hi, CryWolf.

It sounds like you're feeling good about your decision to back off and that it was the right choice in this case.

How are you doing this week?


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CryWolf
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« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2018, 10:15:07 PM »

Remember that girl I told you about that got me a cake? Lol

Well... after that she started ignoring my texts and at work was vague and awkward around me but with everyone else was talkative with... I leave her alone for a week. Then Sunday she’s super talkative to me and Spending her lunch with me and telling me everything that happened the last week and we play fight and joke. And then this week becomes cold again over text. And I ask her to get food this week and says “maybe”

I didn’t change any of my behavior but she started to change for no reason. It is what it is.
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« Reply #5 on: December 13, 2018, 09:49:48 AM »

Do you notice that you're assigning emotions and intentions to her actions? Is this a pattern you've had with your ex's and other people?
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« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2018, 11:42:22 AM »

Do you notice that you're assigning emotions and intentions to her actions? Is this a pattern you've had with your ex's and other people?

Hey Flour, I am aware now that you've mentioned it. I have a habit on getting fixated on "why" someone does something and what it means. I have trouble letting go and then internalizing their behavior and how I may have caused it.

This is a toxic trait I have.

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« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2018, 12:07:16 PM »

Good first step to notice it! A hallmark of CBT and DBT is noticing our own thought and emotion patterns that lead us down unhelpful rabbit holes and impact our ability to have healthy relationships.
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« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2018, 12:30:44 PM »

Nice observation, flourdust.

Excerpt
This is a toxic trait I have.

CryWolf, what do you feel makes this trait a challenging one?  How is it impacting your relationships?
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CryWolf
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« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2018, 12:43:37 PM »

I get close with a friend or girl or anyone. Then their behavior changes and they pull away. Then I blame myself and become critical on myself and take blame. I have trouble letting things go and understanding perhaps it was the other person...

Since I last posted, I was dwelling on scenarios on why my friend started ignoring my texts and uninterested, after she opened up to me about her life and personal stories. We got close, she got me a cake then boom she pulled away. This is an ongoing pattern I seem to have with girls. And I didnt chase or pursue. She came back and acted like nothing happened. Then back to ignoring and being cold again.

I have trouble focusing on myself and spend more time on others and relationships. Im doing much better at putting myself first, but still at times it bothers me.
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« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2018, 02:06:15 PM »

Then I blame myself and become critical on myself and take blame. I have trouble letting things go and understanding perhaps it was the other person...

... .or maybe nobody is to blame, and it just wasn't a compatible match?
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« Reply #11 on: December 13, 2018, 02:55:00 PM »

... .or maybe nobody is to blame, and it just wasn't a compatible match?


But we were friends for a year before we recently started hanging out and getting close? We never said we were dating or any of that. It was platonic. So I’m not sure why it lead to what it is now?

I did catch some feelings but I didn’t let it affect the friendship or how I approached her? That’s why I’m a bit confused
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« Reply #12 on: December 13, 2018, 03:01:19 PM »


But we were friends for a year before we recently started hanging out and getting close... .

A year is really not that long of a time. Friends come and go, just like more intense romantic relationships.
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« Reply #13 on: December 17, 2018, 10:56:08 PM »

here's what happened...

Last sunday she talks to me at work and spends her lunch with me and updates me on everything and how she was busy with school. and I assume okay things are okay again.

I ask her out to eat Wednesday night and she says "I cant stay out late" and I say "maybe friday?" she says "uhhhhh we'll see if im not tired" ... I say "let me know so I can plan... Are you working that day?"


Then Friday comes, and she sees me at work and acts surprised. I dont pay her attention. Then later I went to start a conversatio and she acts standoffish and says "what"... I dont say anything and walk away.

Then later at work, her cousins visited her and I walk by and she talks to them so enthusiastically. I decide to leave her alone and not waste my time on a friendship she doesnt care for.

Then later on, before my shift ends. She tells me "hey are we still getting food?" and I am soo surprised. I say "I thought you didnt want to because you never replied?" and she says "i didnt know you were getting off early" and I say, "you could have texted and asked" and she says "i dont like texting" and i say " i thought you ghosted me" and she says "i ghost everyone"... .  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I say sure we can get food.

She got off at 5pm and I get off at 5:30pm. I offer to meet up somewhere and she says "no I can wait for you"... wow

I got off and meet her in the break room. Then, my coworker tells me how this girl was looking for me the other day and didnt mention her name and said how I was cute... I was confused? but brushed it off.

 I asked her about texting and she says how much she hates texting and gets bothered when people text her. however, me and my coworkers see her on her phone a lot. so idk. she says shes too tired to text back... If she doesnt want to talk to me, then her loss.

Then in the car, my friend brings up how shes talking to two guys, and shes getting older now and gonna settle with one of the guys(shes 21 years old and only had one boyfriend 2 years ago.) and then she keeps mentioning all these guys hitting on her and talking to her and at this point im so turned off and dont want to eat anymore. she keeps referring to one of the guys as "my man" for the rest of the night...

we get food, and she wanted to pay for me. then the night is okay again.

then she brings up, if im still talking to this one girl that I mentioned to her 5 months ago. and i was surprised she remembered and I said, no we are just friends and i havent been talking to anyone for a long time.

later at night I text her, "hey what made you decide to buy me a cake for my birthday?"

she responds a day later and says " i get all my friends a cake for their birthday... dont think too deep into it"

wow. she didnt have to add the last part.

then the next two days at work, she avoids me, doesnt look at me, ignores me. she talks to all my coworkers and smiles and jokes and hugs them. But then when I say hi, she ignores me, when I try to interact with her regarding the job she wont even look at me.


Im so confused. But this really sounds a lot like Silent treatment.

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« Reply #14 on: December 18, 2018, 03:37:10 PM »

Not sure if this needs to be moved to bettering.

Today at work, once again being treated like I don’t exist. No eye contact. No hello. Even my coworkers noticed her walking out the room right when I walked in.
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« Reply #15 on: December 19, 2018, 11:24:22 AM »

When I was on my break, she comes in the break room. whispers to another coworker. Then says shes going to use the bathroom but will be back. a while goes by, and the coworker asks if she clocked out for the day and left? And I saw her timecard on the door when I walked by that she left. She even forgot her jacket.

I am confused, because my coworkers tell me, and I even see her talking to everyone but me. She wont even make eye contact with me. I tried to have a small convo when it was slow and she was giving me one word replies. I got the cue and left. I got her the job because she told me she needed money and was unemployed, as well as she was my friend.

Now, everything changed. I dont want to keep putting myself out there for someone who wont do the same.

I texted her last night, "Hey whats going on, youve been distant". No reply yet. She's been very inconsistent and its annoying. I try not to let it affect me at work, but its hard when I catch her staring then turning around. Or leaving the room when I walk in.

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« Reply #16 on: December 19, 2018, 12:10:48 PM »

Hi, Crywolf.  It sounds like you're feeling confused and maybe a little angry or frustrated.  You made some great observations earlier this this thread:

Excerpt
I get close with a friend or girl or anyone. Then their behavior changes and they pull away. Then I blame myself and become critical on myself and take blame. I have trouble letting things go and understanding perhaps it was the other person.

Is this what's happening now?

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CryWolf
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« Reply #17 on: December 19, 2018, 12:28:19 PM »

Sounds like it. Her inconsistency triggers my anxiety. Finally when I let go, she comes back based off her behavior.
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« Reply #18 on: December 19, 2018, 12:37:53 PM »

This sounds like a frustrating pattern.

I hear you're experiencing her behavior as inconsistent.  Is it possible she is actually consistent but appears inconsistent because you're misreading some signals?

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CryWolf
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« Reply #19 on: December 19, 2018, 12:57:57 PM »

This sounds like a frustrating pattern.

I hear you're experiencing her behavior as inconsistent.  Is it possible she is actually consistent but appears inconsistent because you're misreading some signals?



I don’t think so. She says hi to everyone at work but me. Has convos with everyone but with me avoids. I’m trusting my gut feeling this on this one.


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« Reply #20 on: December 19, 2018, 01:15:22 PM »

OK.  I think I might be misunderstanding what you mean by inconsistent.  I was referring to her texting behavior.  She told you she "hates texting."  She is slow to respond or unresponsive to texts, and doesn't initiate texts.  That sounds consistent to me.

By inconsistent do you mean sometimes she does things that you perceive as showing attraction?  And other time she appears to shut you out?
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« Reply #21 on: December 19, 2018, 01:40:37 PM »

I appreciate you taking the time to understand   

The inconsistency in reffering to is hot and cold behaviour in person. One moment avoids me at work and but then wants to get dinner after not texting me to confirm with days passing by. Or not wanting to talk then hours later comes and stands by me and tells me she’s tired and I talk with her.

She avoids me but then comes to me and talks whenever it suits her and sits with me. Doesn’t make sense.

Or walking out the room when I walk In. My coworkers see it too and how she says hi and hugs them but with me nothing. She won’t look me in the eye when I ask her something work related. When I put my hand out to get something from her instead of handing it to me she’ll place it in front of me. I see her laughing and smiling and then I walk by and she goes silent.

The whole part where she tells me about how she’s talking to a bunch of guys out of nowhere caught me surprised because she never seemed like that. And then wearing a dress and upping her makeup and wardrobe at work the last few days doesn’t seem like her either. But I’m trying not to fixate on this. This all happened when one of the coworkers told me a random girl/customer called me cute.

I don’t want to sound delusional but a part of me things she either wants to make me jealous or my attention. But I don’t like thinking like that as it makes me sounds a bit narcisstic or self centered.

I hve backed off at work and we just walk past another without saying anything. I look at her and she looks past me.

 
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CryWolf
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« Reply #22 on: December 19, 2018, 02:02:23 PM »

Long story short, yes one minute shows attraction then doesn’t. Lol

She’s only had 1 boyfriend for a duration of a year. This was two years ago. Not sure if this Information means anything.
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« Reply #23 on: December 19, 2018, 03:23:34 PM »

Some of what you're saying is reminding me of myself as a much younger woman in high school and college.

Sometimes I enjoyed the attention I got from male friends.  Other times I found it threatening or off putting.  And sometimes I could feel both things at once.  One time a friend told me, "you don't understand your own power." I think he was saying I lacked self awareness and didn't get how my actions were being perceived.  (I thought I was being friendly/polite, he thought I was flirting, etc.)  It's not unusual for young women who've been socialized to be agreeable to really struggle with this sort of thing.  It takes time to learn to be clear.

Of course, I can't say for sure this is what's going on in your situation, but it's one way of looking at it where her hot and cold behavior makes sense.  She enjoys your attention/enjoys feeling attractive when she is around you, and doesn't want a relationship.  If this is the case then it makes sense to back off as you've suggested.   
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« Reply #24 on: December 19, 2018, 03:49:18 PM »

She enjoys your attention/enjoys feeling attractive when she is around you, and doesn't want a relationship.  If this is the case then it makes sense to back off as you've suggested.  


This is what I hope wasn't the case... She is 21, young, unexperienced. Seems to love the attention that I told her when she told me about these "other guys" that suddenly popped up.

There are two girls at work that I hear want to sleep with me, but I don't mind them and even told her about them but im not interested. And they are now trying to get close with her and be friends.

I valued the friendship and ever since the past few weeks, everything changed. I did catch feelings but I can already sense this is not healthy for me. Not even a platonic friendship with her.
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« Reply #25 on: December 19, 2018, 04:19:03 PM »

Excerpt
I did catch feelings but I can already sense this is not healthy for me. Not even a platonic friendship with her.

It sounds like you have a knack for "catching feelings" when a woman flirts with you.  Alas, as you're learning, flirting isn't always a sign the other person is interested in a relationship.  Sometimes it is.  But not always.

Are you interested in any platonic friendships with women right now?  Or would you rather be in a romantic relationship?
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« Reply #26 on: December 19, 2018, 04:59:33 PM »

I caught feelings but I stopped myself. The confusion from her behavior had me wonder. The deep conversations, late night grocery store runs, her leaning on my shoulder. But then going cold. and then back and forth.

I also knew if feelings progressed, this would jeopardize the friendship, hence I stopped.

The whole reason Im posting originally was what my actions may have caused. But looking back, It may have nothing to do with me. Im just confused.

I can flirt and not catch feelings, but it was her certain gestures. As, buying me a 40-50$ birthday cake before an 8am shift from an expensive bakery when she worked a 12 hour shift the day before. Then planning and having all my coworkers surprise me and sing happy birthday on my lunch break... We haven't been that close for her to just buy me a cake. You usually buy someone coffee or lunch. Not an expensive cake... We just hung out two times outside of school for the first time ever, before this encounter.

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« Reply #27 on: December 19, 2018, 06:06:44 PM »

While this type of hot and cold flirtatious behavior isn't very mature, it's not uncommon either.  If you enjoy flirting you could encounter it again.

Excerpt
The whole reason Im posting originally was what my actions may have caused. But looking back, It may have nothing to do with me. Im just confused. 

Nice observation.  I agree, her behavior says more about her than it does about you.

Do you know what you want out of a relationship?
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« Reply #28 on: December 19, 2018, 06:23:45 PM »

Yes. Clear communication, patience and understanding of each other’s personal goals and achievements. Pushing one other to be the best we can but not relying on one other to “fix” another is the basis of a relationship I would like.

She has yet to respond to my text message when I asked her “hey what’s going, you’ve been distant” been 24 hours now. I don’t think Platonic friends ignore one other like this. But what would I know at this point
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« Reply #29 on: December 20, 2018, 09:57:03 AM »

I ask her out to eat Wednesday night and she says "I cant stay out late" and I say "maybe Friday?" she says "uhhhhh we'll see if I'm not tired" ... I say "let me know so I can plan... Are you working that day?"

Then Friday comes, and she sees me at work and acts surprised. I don't pay her attention. Then later I went to start a conversation and she acts standoffish and says "what"... I don't say anything and walk away.

Then later at work, her cousins visited her and I walk by and she talks to them so enthusiastically. I decide to leave her alone and not waste my time on a friendship she doesn't care for.

Then later on, before my shift ends. She tells me "hey are we still getting food?" and I am soo surprised. I say "I thought you didn't want to because you never replied?" and she says "i didn't know you were getting off early" and I say, "you could have texted and asked" and she says "i don't like texting" and i say " i thought you ghosted me" and she says "i ghost everyone"... . Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

I say sure we can get food.

Hey 'wolf, why are you confused?  Serious question. This is just someone playing the field, flirting and basking in your adoration (and likely others too). She is having fun. Cat and mouse chase. This is not a budding relationship.

Do you want to play?

If so, the scenario above is not the way to play.
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« Reply #30 on: December 20, 2018, 10:27:16 AM »

I guess I’m confused because we were casual friends then got really close. And then she pulled away. I internalized this, as it’s been an ongoing theme in my personal life. I blamed myself and tried to find out “what I did” and finding possible scenarios. I also hoped deep down that maybe she caught feelings or she got turned off by me. Both scenarios coming back to “what I did” and being too critical on myself.
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« Reply #31 on: December 20, 2018, 10:30:32 AM »

Hi crywolf,

I'm much older than you, married to a great wife with two sons.
However it happened to me too.

Keep in mind you're dealing with a 21 year old BPD woman.

Her behaviour sounds very familiar to me, my ex friend is 34 and with her bf since she was 16... .
One abortion at 17, one miscarrige with 31.
She flirts with guys and kisses guys, while her bf is at home.
She drinks too much.

Be careful with that woman.

Good luck and merry Christmas
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« Reply #32 on: December 20, 2018, 10:38:37 AM »

I blamed myself and tried to find out “what I did” and finding possible scenarios.

What do you think you did?
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« Reply #33 on: December 22, 2018, 12:09:39 PM »

Yesterday, I saw her at work. I tried a light convo, she gave a one worded reply. We both are in a room, and shes turned around and Im waiting for her to turn around but she doesnt. then I ask, "whats going on?"

no reply and she doesnt turn around. then she leaves the room and i dont see her for a while. Later, we both were on the same station at work. whenever its just us two, she leaves and talks to other workers. or if there is another person in the same area, she turns her whole body to that person and away from me.

We are supposed to sign each other's papers and she never signed mine after a hour or two passed. I signed hers. Im trying not to let this affect work but now it is.

The night ended, and she was with a bunch of coworkers laughng and talking and i felt so excluded. I didnt want to approach because at this point its just awkward and she makes me feel like I dont exist and treats me like this. I have no idea why she is like this, and its really affecting my mental health. I need to let this friendship go, and not let it affect me at work.

Ive tried everything to have a conversation with her about whats going on, I try to keep it professional at work but she ignores me or wont even keep it professional at work. Im at wits' end.

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« Reply #34 on: December 24, 2018, 12:05:47 PM »

CryWolf, What do you think about Skip's question re: what you think you did?  Would you like to explore that here a bit?

I hear things are still feeling awkward at work which must feel confusing and frustrating.  It sounds like she wants some space.  How do you feel about letting your confusion stand for the moment and not trying to get an answer from her?

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« Reply #35 on: December 25, 2018, 09:34:17 AM »

Hey Insom,

I have pushed it aside and given her space.

I have been thinking of the question and here are my possibilities:

1. She developed feelings and she’s not sure how to process or show them and probably thinks I don’t like her or feel the same.  Because a few days later this female friend took me out for dinner and we saw Christmas stuff. So maybe she saw the pics and got jealous.

2. She assumed I liked her and pushed back but doesn’t make sense if she asked if I was still talking to this other girl (mentioned in scenario 1 but I told her we are just friends) 

.
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« Reply #36 on: December 25, 2018, 10:15:53 AM »

I want to send her a “merry Christmas” text but i don’t want to push her away.

She’s been on and off since buying me a cake, and now completely off since the last night we saw each other.

It doesn’t make sense. I want to tell her I like her if the case is shes afraid I don’t like her. But I don’t know. As a HR standpoint, it could come off as harassment at work if she says anything. My manager is a close friend and knows the situation so he informed me to give her space.
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« Reply #37 on: December 26, 2018, 09:25:17 AM »

I want to tell her I like her if the case is shes afraid I don’t like her.

She has not responded to a number of your efforts to contact her - even the offer to help her fix her flat tire. It would seem that sh understands your interest and is only loosely engaging it.

As a HR standpoint, it could come off as harassment at work if she says anything.

With the current social movement about "consent", I think you would be smart to write this off, wolf. The last 20 days, collectively, doesn't really suggest romantic interest.
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« Reply #38 on: December 26, 2018, 11:43:11 AM »

Thank you Skip.

I was more bummed about losing the friendship than a possible romantic opportunity. But it is what it is.

I sent one last happy holidays text last night to hopefully clear the air, no response. Now I will be seeing her at work shortly .

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« Reply #39 on: December 26, 2018, 11:59:11 AM »

Wolf, I didn't marry until I was 35. I dated a lot and had a lot of fun... .but I didn't want to get tied down. 

Not everyone wants to connect on a deeper level and many can up and move on over the smallest of things. Casual daters are a bit like gofers.  Cute but you can't catch them.

You tried to engage, it didn't work.

 Paragraph header (click to insert in post)  You have reached out many time and gotten zero or limited response. This is the not going to serve you well with her or in what she says about you to others. In this day and age, clingy or stalker labels can be assigned pretty quickly. Girls talk.  And your employer told you to give her space - which means "stop".

Friend zone this one and leave it to a smile in the hallway unless she contacts you.
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« Reply #40 on: December 26, 2018, 07:58:48 PM »

Thanks Skip.

I wasn’t trying to date her initially and was more concerned about the friendship because we were friends for a year. That’s why I’m upset and the confusion had me trying to find answers.

I saw her at work and she kept her head down when I walked by her. Didn’t acknowledge her.

My manager is also my close friend and he told me today that she became close with one of the other girl employees who liked me and asked me out and I turned down. This girl also was asking other coworkers about the status about me and the other girl as we were always hanging out and posting pics.

So I agree People talk whether it’s good or bad or lies or truth. I’m Bummed why she couldn’t have an adult comversation with me.
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« Reply #41 on: December 27, 2018, 05:00:11 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit and has been locked. Please feel free to continue the discussion in another thread.
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