i want to break up and i'm afraid of the fallout

[eeps]

i have been really conflicted about getting back together with my uBPDbf and have been acting pretty distant to him for the past couple of weeks. i've been very busy with work and projects, and every interaction with him has been difficult, my anger getting triggered really easily and him dysregulating almost daily. i get text bombed everyday with accusations and neediness and threats and i feel at the end of my rope. i have been trying to keep my responses to the texts pretty minimal and calm, but it just keeps happening every day. i want out of this loop!
he notices my distance and it makes him react worse, but his reaction definitely makes me want to stay distant. this can't go on.
we just got off the phone, and i think we are going to meet in a bit to talk. i know i have to end this relationship. honestly, right now, i'm terrified of how he will torment me when i end it. he brings our friend circle into everything, he obsesses over what people think of him/me/us, he accuses me of slandering him to our friends. when we broke up, he tried to reach out to anyone he thought i was talking to about our relationship. there's been a couple incidences of physical aggression in our relationship. i don't know... .i'm just scared. i don't want to be with him anymore, and i'm trying my best to detach with love. i just feel pretty vulnerable and shaky right now.  any words of support would be greatly appreciated. 

[AskingWhy]

eeps, you are correct to find some doubts in leaving a pwBPD.

They are volatile and can cause harm.    Please read, "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin de Becker  about predicting potential violence.  Take the MOSAIC test online as well.  It's free and confidential:

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

You know your BF the best. Trusts your instincts.  If you think something may happen to you, your property, family or pets, reach out for help with public agencies.

Take care and be well.  Let us know how things are going.

 

[Bnonymous]

Hi eeps,

Any updates?

Did you meet? How did it go?

[Mrb87]

I’m in the SAME EXACT BOAT... .my friends are telling me to end it but I know how he acts when we break up. Reaching out to my friends, sending me distracting horrible messages or just doing something really drastic. I’m keeping myself very distant from him I only see him about once a month and only speaking with him on the phone. I don’t make any effort to see him and I’m hoping he will fade away but he just won’t. His attitude is extremely childish and I just don’t want to deal with the real break up because I know everything that will follow.

[Cat Familiar]

It's completely understandable to have concerns about breaking up with a BPD partner--and it's very wise to carefully plan an exit strategy.

If you're not living with your partner, it's definitely easier, but as you know, it's likely that there will be some unpleasant issues that will come up.

However if you're certain that this is what you want to do, there is no good reason to prolong the pain, either for you or your partner. It just gets harder to break up the longer you've been together.

As far as speaking with friends, he's going to do what he's going to do, and you have no control over that.

My ex tried to shop around his version of events to our mutual friends, while I said nothing, except to a couple of close friends who really knew what was going on in our relationship. His attempts to gain sympathy backfired, as I inherited about 90% of our mutual friendships after we split up. (People can see more about what's going on than you realize.)

I'm of the "rip the bandaid off quickly" school--in my experience, it just makes things worse if you wait, once you're certain. However, other people probably have good reason to be more measured in their responses than me. I'd be interested in hearing about what others have done in this situation.

Cat

[eeps]

well, yes, i saw him and we talked. 2 evenings in a row. both nights went pretty much the same. we met and had dinner, talked about some of the stuff that's been going on lately. him proclaiming how much he loves me and how great it could be, me pointing out that it *isn't* great and it doesn't feel like we're heading towards great by not addressing some major issues. i sort of pushed the therapy issue on him a bit more than i should've, i think. the night he spit on me (one month ago), i proclaimed that i needed him in therapy to begin to address the physical aggression stuff, and at that moment he agreed. but then he didn't follow through. i thought maybe this was me not enforcing a boundary, so i brought it up both nights. but by the end of night 2 (last night) i realized that me telling him i need him in therapy isn't going to work the way i envision and i need to just let it go.
but, maybe it is still a boundary *for me*.  i asked him to get help, he chose not to, i need to move on.
night one of talking- i was very much trying to say, i think this isn't working for either of us, and i want us to be friends, but i don't want to be with you anymore. but he was accusing me of "setting him up" and he was very emotional, and when it came down to being clear that we were breaking up, i back-pedalled a bit, i got scared. but i made it clear that i wasn't feeling good about physical intimacy.
so night 2 i tried to be talk about our friendship prior to our relationship and how maybe that's what is most important to save for both of us. the talk was going pretty well, but, again, i think i pushed the therapy thing too much. and then he started talking about how we just needed to have sex, and how great our sex life is, and that would fix everything. at that point i realized that i'm just completely stuck in this toxic loop and nothing i was trying to talk about was getting through to him at all. i feel like he and i are so stuck in this loop, and addicted to the pain we inflict on each other. it feels so dark.
he tried to walk me home, i declined and he got very very upset, but i held my ground and said i wanted to say good night where we were (very close to his house) and then he stormed off in a different direction.
he then texted me that what i did was confusing and not nice and that i was acting unhinged and etc... .we spoke on the phone briefly and he was very mad at me for not letting him walk me home, and we started arguing... .and i got off the phone(i may have hung up on him, i don't remember!) and blocked his number.
i don't feel great about that, and by then, i felt pretty unhinged myself. like i said, i've been really struggling with my anger being triggered.
he sent me an email that just said "what is happening?" and i wrote him back and said: " i'm so sorry.  i don't know how to do this anymore. i'm scared of doing things the same way and expecting a different result. i need to get out of this loop. we need to break up. i am addicted to you. my conflicted behaviour is confusing you and me, and causing more pain, and i don't want to cause any pain. i'm so sorry.
i have to put my foot down. this is not good for either of us, and i want to get healthy."

somewhat surprisingly, i haven't heard a peep from him since. but that was just last night. a bit messier than i hoped for, but... .eh?
i looked into Coda meetings near me. there is one tomorrow evening that i will try to attend (if i don't chicken out!) i know it could be a really important next step.

[eeps]

and thank you  @AskingWhy for your recommendations. i'm putting "The Gift of Fear" on my list of books to check out of the library.
i did take the mosaic test a couple months ago while we were split up. it wasn't an awful score, but high enough for me to write "DON'T GO BACK TO HIM!"  in my notebook.
sigh.
feeling pretty disappointed in myself right now

[AskingWhy]

eeps, there is a reason why being in a R/S with a pwBPD is called "crazymaking."  Often we are made out to be the crazy ones.  A higher-functioning BPD can come across as totally normal.

How many times has a woman (or man) called the police after being abused, only to have the partner look totally sane and composed.  pwBPD are chameleons.  They have no identity and desperately try to find it in others.  They can also be chameleons at will.

BTW, Gavin Becker designed the MOSAIC system.