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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: It has been 7 months since the break-up, but it still feels fresh.  (Read 118 times)
mraa90

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« on: December 04, 2018, 07:17:12 PM »

Hello, friends.

7 months later, I'm still here. I really came a long way thanks you guys, my friends, and my therpist. Sometimes I wonder if she broke my on purpose. This girls intiated the relationship and within 6 weeks of intense dating and seeing each other she left. Like not left in a good manner, but left as in gave me the silent treatment for a whole month not answering my phone.

I found out by her friend that she did that to her friends too and it's common for her. I was told she was really depressed when she left me and was drinking a lot on her own.

I see her through her friend's instragram and she seems happy. She wears make up and deressed differently. She also goes to the club....not really what I have known her for. She was the quiet type and full of anxiety problems. I think she's like that because she went back to drinking. I see her holding some type of drink in almost every picture. I have unfollowed her but you know....I still check on her because I never loved anyone like that before.

It doesn't hurt me the same way anymore and I don't feel like going back to get my answers. Why did she treat me that way after I gave her all my time and attenition. She also told me that she wanted me in her life just to leave me like I was trash.

We all deserve better, it just sucks when the person you love messes you up like that. I hope we all fully heal soon.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 10:44:56 PM by once removed, Reason: moved from Detaching to Learning » Logged
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Learning from the Wounds of a Failed Relationship board is a place to post after the acute anxiety and wounds of breaking up are expressed and to learn about relationships, human nature, the difference between dysfunction and normal relationship difficulties, and how to make better choices.
If you are still in coping with acute anxiety and the immediate wounds of breaking up, please post on Relationship Ended - Break-up Crises
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« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2018, 07:24:41 PM »

good too see you again mraa90!

how has therapy gone? what have you learned?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
mraa90

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« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 08:19:43 PM »

You know when something that happens like really shocks you. Your brain denies that it's real for a while. I'm beyond that phase now. I know what happened to me is real and it sucks.

What people told me is that I shouldn't allow people to treat me like that even if we love that person. I just went digging for her history after what happened and now I know she did that to many people before. My brain is able to link that while she was treating me like the only person in her life, she did that to other people before me. Although she was kind to me, she have already discarded and treated others before me like she did to me.

I wasn't something special to her, like she was to me. I was just a supply for a while. I never meant what I thought to her after all.

That is the reality of the whole thing. She will keep going through life discarding those who cares about her. Like she did to me, to her best friend, and those before us, too.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2018, 02:22:20 PM »

Hey mraa, Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so be patient.  I predict that at some point you will feel grateful to have moved on.  Let me ask you a question, if you know: did your Ex experience some sort of trauma in her childhood?  Also, what makes you think that she has BPD?  I'm unsure from your post.  As you probably know, those w/BPD have an unstable sense of self, which means they often bounce around in their relationships and friendships.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim



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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
mraa90

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« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2018, 05:51:22 PM »

She told me up front that shew as emotionally unstable. She showed all the things people talk about here. Dad issues, and how she's happy he's dead. Talk badly of her best friend and has unstable relationships with friends.

I tried to be there for her, she challenged me by doing things that would ruin relationships. A normal guy with a healthy relationship skills would have left a long time ago. Sadly, I got hooked because I longed for someone to love me all my life.

After she failed to push me with her actions, she finally discared because she failed again and again.

I would like to thank her for telling me what she's going through. Do I blame her for killing me like that? I don't know...and that's where I'm stuck.
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« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2018, 10:52:16 PM »

Do I blame her for killing me like that? I don't know...and that's where I'm stuck.

in my experience, when we are stuck, its a sign that we need to ask hard questions, dig deeper...challenge ourselves a bit, in ways that usually arent comfortable, but are necessary for healing. we will face this again, and if we dont learn the lessons, we are likely to get our butts kicked, sometimes worse than last time.

Do I blame her for killing me like that?
...
Sadly, I got hooked because I longed for someone to love me all my life.

i suspect that you do blame her for taking that away, because you invested in it very deeply. i suspect you invested in it deeply because it rejuvenated something in you, spoke to you in a deep way. as you said: you longed for it all your life.

to lose something that we invest in that deeply is a huge wound to our hearts and to our egos. its like the ultimate rejection. the person that loved us that much, turned around and took it away, and someone in that position tends to wonder what that says about them. they feel deeply wounded, rejectable, maybe even unloveable. if they dont heal, they may develop some dysfunctional coping mechanisms that might get them through the initial pain, might make them feel safer, but that will not serve them at all in future relationships.

it takes perspective to get past this wound, to heal it, and then to learn from it. this was a six week relationship, and youre struggling with the wound seven months later (no judgment there, i once spent at least six months licking my wounds over a three week relationship). my point is that the wound is bigger than her or anything she did. it existed before and after her (she exposed it) and its going to take some work to get past it.

there is a honeymoon stage to every relationship...its not unique to BPD relationships. a lot happens during this stage...chemically, psychologically, and literally: there are a lot of loving words spoken, a lot of time spent together, butterflies, hopes and daydreams, the whole nine yards. sometimes (and for a lot of us) its really intense...maybe you think you met the one, maybe you talk love, marriage, kids, share deep and personal things about each other, and you find these things raise the stakes and the feelings even more.

most relationships end around the time that that stage does...the relationship never becomes more than that, and when the relationship hits a transition phase, we get more settled, stop seeing the relationship or our partner through rose colored glasses. often times, both parties arent on exactly the same page when this happens...one may be a little more invested than the other. either the relationship reaches a deeper phase, or the less invested party becomes disenchanted and ends it.

most of what happens in the honeymoon stage is just words. well meaning words, but words that once the relationship ends, though it pains us, we have to let go of. if you think about it, one year from now, five years from now, you will not feel the same way about her, or the way that you told her you felt about her at the time.

I wasn't something special to her, like she was to me. I was just a supply for a while. I never meant what I thought to her after all.

you are probably onto something here, but you speak as if she used you and set out to hurt you. i think that idea might be off the mark, and might be increasing your suffering. it may be true that at a certain point, you were more invested than she was, and when you realized that she wasnt, you felt blindsided, wondered where all those loving words and promises went, and fought to get them back.

if you go back and revisit your story, you can see how all of this played out:

The first couple of weeks she gave me the silent treatment for a day when I visited her and her face looked like someone insulted her. She had no emotions. I couldn't sleep that day and had to see her in the morning to make sure she's okay. I myself have anxiety and depression problems for a long time but know how to control it. She apologized and things went fine again and told me that she's thankful to have me and she didn't mean to scare me. She talked about future plans and asked if my parents would like her. I knew she wanted to be with me.

Weeks later, her interest dropped and wasn't happy to see me walk through the door as she worked. One day I was sitting doing work for school waiting for her to finish work, and she left without saying anything and when I texted her, she said she got sick and left. 4 days after that, we went on the last date and it was perfect. She told me that I made her feel hope again in life after she stopped feeling it for a long time. 1 week later she postpones the date, the week after two people got "sick" and had to stay overtime and told me she doesn't want me to think she's doing it on purpose. After that text, she went silent for a whole month and I was too scared to visit. After I couldn't take it I went to see her and she told me that she didn't want anything from us dating and she couldn't do it and told me that she wanted to do see if we're good for each other.

over time, her interest began to wane. an anxious person (i am one) will often respond to that in anxious ways. maybe they threaten a breakup to get attention back. maybe they over pursue and wear their heart on their sleeve. either way, when we push someone to love us more, to get those feelings back, it tends to push them further away.

in this case, it sounds like she was a little bit conflicted. her interest had not completely died. the two of you still had some good times together, she enjoyed them, it probably returned some of that spark, but often, unfortunately, that isnt enough.

as to what she had to do with it, and what BPD might have had to do with it:

well, she did advertise upfront that she struggles in relationships, even called herself unstable. so you were dealing with a sensitive and fragile person from the start.

one of the areas she struggled the most with was to honestly end things once she decided she was done. it happens (all the time), but it sucks. going dark on a person rather than showing integrity and breaking it off is weak, and it hurts people...sometimes for a long time. you have gathered that shes done the same before, and thats a weak, dysfunctional coping mechanism.

I tried to be there for her, she challenged me by doing things that would ruin relationships. A normal guy with a healthy relationship skills would have left a long time ago.

Sometimes she would take a long time to answer a text or show up a little late. Told me that I shouldn't forgive her for doing so.

relationship partners will test you from time to time, in early and later stages of relationships. its not necessarily conscious, and we all do it. its our way of seeing how our partners will react, how invested they are, whether they respect themselves, etc. a normal guy with healthy relationship skills might have left a long time ago, true, but that same normal healthy guy might see it for what it is, play it cool, and show confidence, maturity, and resilience. we want to learn to spot a dead end relationship, but we also want to learn not to overreact or run from everyone that tests us.

lastly:

We both opened up to each other really fast and that was my mistake that's why I'm suffering right now. I thought it was a sign that she was serious about us. I know two months is nothing compared to other stories, but I myself have problems with being alone. I have been like this until I met her at the age of 24. She made me feel like I'm the one for her within a short period of time. I heard it's called love bombing and all that idealization phase - Devaluation and discard.

people with bpd traits over express themselves, and speak in over the top ways. they are notorious for it, but it isnt unique to someone with BPD traits. ive probably, at some point, called every one of my girlfriends "the most beautiful girl in the world". was i lying? not exactly. it sure felt that way at the time, i was head over heels for them. was i being truthful? well, ive never met or seen every girl in the world, ive said it to more than one girl, and its not an opinion i hold about any of them today. when hearts are all aflutter, we say these things, and we dont mean to hurt anyone. my girlfriends all knew that, knew what i meant.

a person with fears of being alone, depression, anxiety, low self esteem, however, might deeply invest in those words, and when theyre taken away, theyll wonder why, and theyll blame themselves. theyll struggle mightily at the time, and theyll struggle later on, even after some of the pain has dulled.

its not love bombing, or an idealization/devaluation/discard phase. its how relationships evolve, devolve, and end. you will face it again.

the challenge before you is to see the relationship for what it was: an intense six week relationship where a lot of loving words were said. to see the words for what they were, and let go of them. it will hurt to do so...and then you will begin to heal. to see that at a certain point, her interest started to wane...it hurts, but it happens. to see that although you were special for a time, that time came to an end, just as you will come to see that in time, the words you said at the time, the ways you felt about her, the investment you made, how special you thought she was, will come to an end. to finally tend the wounds that existed before, during, and after her, and not through another person.

then youll want to think about how you can take and apply these lessons in future relationships, knowing that relationships can end, and when they do, it hurts, with confidence and resilience, not fear, because there are a lot of dead ends, but there are also rewarding, fulfilling, healthy relationships for us out there.

what do you think?
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 10:58:45 PM by once removed » Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Lucky Jim
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« Reply #6 on: December 06, 2018, 10:20:11 AM »

Hey mraa, The odd thing about those w/BPD is that, if you get too close, they will push you away.  It sounds like that might have happened to you.  If so, maybe it will help to know that it's all part of the normal BPD pattern.

LJ
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
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« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2018, 09:42:29 AM »

Hi, mraa90.   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Excerpt
I would like to thank her for telling me what she's going through. Do I blame her for killing me like that? I don't know...and that's where I'm stuck.

Yes! I can relate very much to wanting this thank my ex for disclosing his diagnosis while at the same time feeling blame and anger. 

What else would you like to say to your ex?
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