Confusion in the midst of divorce

[lonely38]

So my BPD-narcissistic husband continues to discuss the idea of reconciliation.  Honestly, I think he is afraid of what is next for him.  He has lost me as his care taker.  He says I have changed greatly since getting therapy and that he doesn't like who I am.  He says I am unstable right now and therefore, I am seeing things that are not accurate.  He is lying to our friends about the details.  I am hearing specifically what he shared.  He has lied so much over the years and continues to lie (I don't think he even realizes he is lying at this point because it has become a huge part of his life.)  I get anxious when he starts talking.  He says there is no give on my side and that I have contributed to the marriage problems by being contentious, angry and argumentative.  I have been recording our phone conversations and he will say in the conversation, 'there you go, you are being argumentative'.  I hear my voice and I realize that is not the case.
Our children are all hurting and confused.  I told our youngest daughter last night that I have realized I am extremely codependent with my husband but have also been with our children.  She said, 'mom,' I have thought you were codependent for a long time'.  She is the youngest so she is the one that has witnessed the stuff the most in our family.  She has been avoiding talking but did share some things last night which was helpful for me to hear.  She says she is angry with both myself and her dad.  She is angry with me for moving the divorce along so quickly.  She also says she is angry with me because I chose to share some details of what has gone on in the last year.  I believe I have protected my children through the years and kept the family together.  I am now at my breaking point and can no longer hold everyone up.
My question is should I never have shared anything with our kids?  I am just exhausted by the role I have had to play in all of this.
I am open to ideas and suggestions with both our kids and also with regard to the confusion I feel when my husband is offering reconciliation.  It just does not make sense to me at this point.

[Cat Familiar]

I think he is afraid of what is next for him.

 Very likely.

 He says I have changed greatly since getting therapy and that he doesn't like who I am.

I'm sure you have changed and that he's less able to manipulate you.

He says I am unstable right now and therefore, I am seeing things that are not accurate.  

Projection.

He is lying to our friends about the details.  I am hearing specifically what he shared.

Smear campaign.

 He has lied so much over the years and continues to lie (I don't think he even realizes he is lying at this point because it has become a huge part of his life.)  

It's hard to tell how truly invested in his story he might be, but it doesn't matter. You know he doesn't want to look at things objectively.

I get anxious when he starts talking.

Why listen to him and subject yourself to his propaganda?

 He says there is no give on my side and that I have contributed to the marriage problems by being contentious, angry and argumentative.  I have been recording our phone conversations and he will say in the conversation, 'there you go, you are being argumentative'.  I hear my voice and I realize that is not the case.

Again, projection.

Our children are all hurting and confused.

This is not about them; it's between you and your husband. Aren't they all adults anyway? 

My question is should I never have shared anything with our kids?

What's done is done. It's up to you to choose a direction for your life, not your husband, not your children.   

Cat

[lonely38]

Wow, I needed to hear that.  Thank you.  I am living in the midst of chaos and confusion until I get through the divorce and my BPD husband is out of the house.  Thank you so much for the reply and the explanation. 

[RolandOfEld]

Hi lonely n co, as someone in the middle of separation process with BPD spouse and two kids in the mix, I totally hear your need to keep things together for them.

I think it's generally best if kids are not witnesses to parental conflict. But opening up and being honest with them about the situation rather than leaving them confused sounds wise to me . My kids are still very young and the future uncertain so I'm not sure how I will explain their mother's mental illness to them when then time comes. But I want to make sure as they grow up they have a clear understanding of all the craziness that was going on when they were little.

How old are your kids if I may ask?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[formflier]

Generally speaking the less you share with your kids that "connects the dots" for them... .the better for the kids.

Sharing things with your children, as in teaching them values and letting them connect the dots is a better strategy."

So... .teach them it's not good to call names.  Then if they ask the question "why does so and so call names"... .don't connect the dots for them.  Let them sort that out. 

Let them ask that person directly.

Sharing with them that YOU believe you are codependent  or other things about you is more likely to be healthy, since you can have a conversation about it and it's not about someone else.

Tricky area to navigate.

What kind of things have you shared that you are concerned about?

FF

[lonely38]

My children are all grown and  2 of the 3 are married with their own families.  With regard to the codependency, it has finally dawned on me that I have not only been codependent with their dad but also with my children as I tried 'valiantly' to keep the family intact.  I thought this was the right thing to do and, as a mom, it has been my heart's greatest desire.  I have had to let go of the fact that I can no longer do this as it feels that my continuing to be in relationship with by BPD/narcissist husband, is now impacting my own health and sanity.
As far as what I shared with them, I shared a few things that have happened in the last year in general terms.  I explained them to my children as they were explained to me by my BPD husband.  In retrospect, my timing may have been off. However, I believe I had done so much protecting them over the years, that they needed to hear some specifics of truth.  I have told them all I will not share anything else with them unless they ask.
What is hurting the most right now is the fact they have all remained distant.  I have had a very close relationship with all of my children.  I am realizing it is not fair of me to expect them to be making me feel better.  But it would be nice if they would check in with me to see how I am doing.  I just think at this particular point, they are hurting in their own ways and that they each need space, which I am trying to honor.  I do not want it to turn into a competition between their dad and I with regard to their love or loyalty or attention.  I have told them all that any feelings they have are valid, and that I fully support them having a relationship with their dad.  I believe their dad has been a pretty good father to them and I realize they all need that connection. 
I did share with my oldest daughter who was asking me if 'I was being nice to dad', that yes I am and that she can trust me that I have never lied to her nor will I ever lie to her.  I told her that her dad has my good qualities but being a husband has not been one of them.  I feel there is some re-victimizing going on from my children.  They counted on me to be the solid one in the family and it seem they may be feeling betrayed by me.  I was the one that chose to file for divorce.  They all see this as happening very quickly.  I understand where they are coming from but I do not agree. This has been a long time coming.
It has taken a very long time to come to a place where I literally felt I had no other choice but to move forward with divorce.  If I do not, I am choosing to live into my older years with a 'crazy confusing, frustrating, demeaning, non intimate, bullying' atmosphere.  My husband and I have had some very good times together but it seems that his mental illness or whatever he is dealing are only getting worse into his older years.  In the past year, I have been asking myself if this is what I want in my older years and the answer is no at this point.  It's extremely sad but in order to save myself, I need to make changes for myself.

[Cat Familiar]

My children are all grown and  2 of the 3 are married with their own families.  With regard to the codependency, it has finally dawned on me that I have not only been codependent with their dad but also with my children as I tried 'valiantly' to keep the family intact.  I thought this was the right thing to do and, as a mom, it has been my heart's greatest desire.  I have had to let go of the fact that I can no longer do this as it feels that my continuing to be in relationship with by BPD/narcissist husband, is now impacting my own health and sanity.

Of course you wanted to keep an intact family for your children and you did that. They're grown and your job is done and now is your time to live life as you wish.

As far as what I shared with them, I shared a few things that have happened in the last year in general terms. 

It makes sense that you should tell them something as you plan a major life change.

In retrospect, my timing may have been off. However, I believe I had done so much protecting them over the years, that they needed to hear some specifics of truth.  I have told them all I will not share anything else with them unless they ask.

There's never a "good" time. Don't be so hard on yourself.

What is hurting the most right now is the fact they have all remained distant.  I have had a very close relationship with all of my children.  I am realizing it is not fair of me to expect them to be making me feel better.  But it would be nice if they would check in with me to see how I am doing. 

It's an awkward thing. They are undoubtedly devoted to their dad, as you fully understand. Call them. Tell them you love them and want to be part of their lives, regardless of the status of your relationship with your husband.

I just think at this particular point, they are hurting in their own ways and that they each need space, which I am trying to honor. 

They may be more understanding than you give them credit.

I feel there is some re-victimizing going on from my children.  They counted on me to be the solid one in the family and it seem they may be feeling betrayed by me.  I was the one that chose to file for divorce.  They all see this as happening very quickly.  I understand where they are coming from but I do not agree. This has been a long time coming.

They may be giving you space as you sort through all this. You suppressed all the negativity from your marriage so that they didn't experience that. It will take a bit of time for them to come up to speed, but please do reach out to them. And try not to take their responses personally. I know, easier said than done.

It has taken a very long time to come to a place where I literally felt I had no other choice but to move forward with divorce.  If I do not, I am choosing to live into my older years with a 'crazy confusing, frustrating, demeaning, non intimate, bullying' atmosphere.  My husband and I have had some very good times together but it seems that his mental illness or whatever he is dealing are only getting worse into his older years.  In the past year, I have been asking myself if this is what I want in my older years and the answer is no at this point.  It's extremely sad but in order to save myself, I need to make changes for myself.

You've thought this through carefully and you needn't justify your process to anyone. It's your life and your decision.
   

Cat

[lonely38]

Thank you, these are all things I need to hear.  Greatly appreciated.  Lots of steps moving forward that I have never dared to take before.

[Baglady]

Hi Lonely,

I just wanted to share how much I can relate to your situation.  I recognized that something was off with my unBPDexh early on in our marriage but I just couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly that I was dealing with.  Fast forward 21 years, his raging psychosis and BPD discard led to our divorce earlier this year.

Like you I maintained my marriage and tolerated abusive behaviors for a long time because I was so invested in providing a stable family for my son and myself.  I was also codependent with my ex and my son.  I wholeheartedly bought into the "in sickness and health" aspect of our vows and I thought dealing with my ex's odd, selfish behaviors was something that I was supposed to do as part of being a good marriage partner.  I mistakenly thought I could fix him until I realized I couldn't.  I also hated the idea of being alone and unpartnered after such a long marriage.

This year has been so hard, I won't lie or sugar coat it.  Going through an (initially) unwanted divorce and a break-up has gutted me.  I'm a year out though now and I feel like I'm finally finding myself again.  The person that got completely lost, enmeshed and squashed in my marriage by an very mentally ill partner.

One event really sealed the deal for me in recognizing that although the initial separation period after decades of marriage is incredibly painful, it's worth it in the long term in terms of my health and overall sanity.  My mom has dementia and my dad is still taking care of her in our family home.  Both are in their 80's and have been married for 50 years.  My mom has always been a difficult person (likely some type of mental illness though not BPD) but she is incredibly verbally abusive to my dad in her dementia.   He, meanwhile, is absolutely heroic in his efforts to help her and keep her out of a nursing home.  Visiting them recently (they live in another country) made me realize that my ex would NEVER have been there for me in this situation (far too self-absorbed) and that if he, himself, ever suffered from dementia that he would likely kill me (no joke - I'm Satan personified to him).  Essentially, I was alone while in my marriage all along, I just didn't recognize it at the time.

Sending you a virtual hug
Warmly,
B

[lonely38]

Thank you for your kind and heartfelt words.  It is so interesting that so many of us have similar stories.  The people who are doing the most damage just do not realize it.  Instead they blame their own stuff on their significant others.   My husband sees me as angry, controlling contentious.  In our talks about a possible reconciliation, he has most recently told me that I would need to take an anger management class. 

He told me tonight that he thinks I have been planning on divorce for a long time, that I shared some truth with our adult children in order to defame him, that they are now looking at him differently, that I have been all about myself.  Out of concern for safety, I have taken the guns out of our home.  He asked me today where they were.  I told him they were not at our home as I felt it was safer for both of us if they were not there.  He says by my doing this I have emasculated him?

We were actually going to a christmas brunch today together and I texted and called him from our bathroom that I was going to be a little late getting ready.  He walked in on me undressed even though we are separated and I told him it was not ok.  He says to me 'don't I have the right to go where I want to in my own house?'


Anyways, most of what he is saying is no longer making sense and I would say as things progress that I do have more concerns for safety for myself. 

[toomanydogs]

Hi Lonely!
   I keep meaning to respond to your posts. I'm out west like you, and like you I'm in the process of divorcing although, in my case, I didn't initiate the divorce.

 My husband sees me as angry, controlling contentious. 

My STBX sees me as that way, as well. When I was trying to "get along" in my marriage and not upset him, I didn't respond to the charge. As I moved farther along and realized if I didn't start speaking up for myself, I'd kind of go out of my mind, I told him that every facet of his personality--from his mental illness to his age to everything--controlled our relationship.

He walked in on me undressed even though we are separated and I told him it was not ok.  He says to me 'don't I have the right to go where I want to in my own house?'
 

Exactly my STBX. Before he left, I used to lock the door to wherever I was, so he couldn't walk in.

He never knocked, and he never entered quietly or respectfully; rather he'd barge in and make me jump then laugh that he'd scared me.

I don't have much else to offer. Hope you have a happy holiday season,
TMD

[lonely38]

My BPD husband is now telling me I am off emotionally and that he sees I have 'crashed' this year.  He is telling me that because I started to get help for myself that I left him all alone.  He keeps pointing to the fact that I am seeing 2 psychologists (which I have just switched to the one), that I am on all kinds of beds. (yes, I am after this year, including high blood pressure meds, anti anxiety, anti depressant, etc.)
I have a feeling he is trying to build some kind of case against me that I am the one who has gone off the deep edge.

Last night he told me thinks I have been planning divorce for a long time, that I told my kids a couple of truths (all minor) about our marriage, it means I am vengeful and out to get him and make him look back in front of our kids and my family.  He forgets that he actually did these things that I have protected him for all these years.  He told me yesterday that because I kept him waiting for 30 minutes, while I was getting ready, that I was all about myself.  I reminded him I had texted him and called him from the bathroom that I was going to be later just getting my hair dried, etc.  He walks in on me then with no clothes on.

I told him I am going to need to call the locksmith and he tells me if I do, he will call his attorney and put an injunction on me?  This has been the recommendation of my attorney all along.

He asked me where the guns were yesterday and I told him I felt it was important to get them out of the house for both of us.  He accused me of emasculating him.  He says "have I ever hit you?"  I told him I feel threatened by him and have been advised to get them out.  My fear is this will continue to escalate and need him to move out of the house.  Any suggestions or help out there?

I had a fear it would go this way.  I am recording our conversations, not that I can do anything with them but at least it allows me to go back and hear his words and tone of voice.  He is extremely angry at this point.

What a very sad mess we are in.

[AskingWhy]

My BPD husband is now telling me I am off emotionally and that he sees I have 'crashed' this year.  He is telling me that because I started to get help for myself that I left him all alone.  He keeps pointing to the fact that I am seeing 2 psychologists (which I have just switched to the one), that I am on all kinds of beds. (yes, I am after this year, including high blood pressure meds, anti anxiety, anti depressant, etc.)
I have a feeling he is trying to build some kind of case against me that I am the one who has gone off the deep edge.

Last night he told me thinks I have been planning divorce for a long time, that I told my kids a couple of truths (all minor) about our marriage, it means I am vengeful and out to get him and make him look back in front of our kids and my family.  He forgets that he actually did these things that I have protected him for all these years.  He told me yesterday that because I kept him waiting for 30 minutes, while I was getting ready, that I was all about myself.  I reminded him I had texted him and called him from the bathroom that I was going to be later just getting my hair dried, etc.  He walks in on me then with no clothes on.

I told him I am going to need to call the locksmith and he tells me if I do, he will call his attorney and put an injunction on me?  This has been the recommendation of my attorney all along.

He asked me where the guns were yesterday and I told him I felt it was important to get them out of the house for both of us.  He accused me of emasculating him.  He says "have I ever hit you?"  I told him I feel threatened by him and have been advised to get them out.  My fear is this will continue to escalate and need him to move out of the house.  Any suggestions or help out there?

I had a fear it would go this way.  I am recording our conversations, not that I can do anything with them but at least it allows me to go back and hear his words and tone of voice.  He is extremely angry at this point.

What a very sad mess we are in.

Lonely, I am so sorry to hear this is happening.  

I agree with what Cat is saying.  Most of all, your H is projecting.  It's a shame your children are right in the middle of this.

In more than 20 years of marriage to a uBPD/uNPD H, my sanity and health have suffered.  I am constantly biting down my own righteous anger at the way I have been treated.  I have health conditions brought on by the abuse.  I did not wake up to it until a mere few years ago.  H would have the ability to reduce me to tears with his character assassinations and threats of divorce.   I am now sure if I left, he would be lost.  As with you, I have been my H's caretaker.

My uBPD H triangulates his adult children in our marital discord.  They are in the spectrum of uBPD and uNPD.  Their mother is likely uNPD.  They have came right out and demanded he divorce me for my "ill treatment" of him and "using him."  Of course, they would have never have formed that opinion if H had not confided to them about our private disagreements.

They don't see their F as disordered as he is enmeshed with all of them.  He is the drinking buddy of his adult son (often homeless and a drug addict), and the confidant of his two adult Ds to the point where they are like mistresses.  Of course, whenever any of them needs money, especially due to bad life decisions, H is there to dole out--without questions--thousands of dollars.

Your H walking in while you were undressed was an invasion of boundaries.  Wife, separated or not, deserves her own privacy.  Your H is testing you.

Guns?  Dear Lonely, please, please take the MOSAIC test to determine your safety on separating from your H.    The test gives a predictor of violence in a domestic situation.

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Also read the book, "The Gift of Fear," by Gavin de Becker.    De Becker designed the MOSAIC test.

If you have not already done so, please read Bill Eddy's guide on divorcing a pwBPD calling, appropriately, "Splitting."  Eddy is not only a lawyer but also a social worker and understands both the law as well as people with Cluster B disorders.

https://www.amazon.com/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

[AskingWhy]

I also suggest reading Dr. Christiane Northrup's book, "Dodging Energy Vampires: An Empath's Guide to Evading Relationships That Drain You and Restoring Your Health and Power."

She is on target with dealing with abusive spouses.

[lonely38]

I went through the mosaic test and saved it for attorney.  I scored a  7 out of 10?  I have on Christine Northrups site and will look up her book.  I also have the book splitting ---divorcing a BPD person and need to finish reading it.  I am about halfway through.  So far I am doing all kinds of protective things keeping valuables hidden etc.  I am going to call about a safe deposit box as I am going to be leaving town for a week.  Thank you for all the good suggestions, much appreciated.

[Notwendy]

I'm not in a divorce situation but I can relate to the co-dependency. I too felt it was all I could do to keep the family intact during a time when my H was not treating me well. I think children have a different perspective but also that they see more growing up than we think they do.

I've done a lot of personal work on co-dependency, trying to make changes within the relationship. I am open with the kids about that. I want them to know that it is OK to seek help if you need it. They are aware of my family background with a BPD mother.

They are all home over the holidays- college age grown kids, and it makes me sad to know they are seeing the strange dynamics between me and their father. Things are a lot calmer now than they were before, but some are still there. I default to my co-dependent habits as I don't want issues over the holidays- I don't want to create that kind of memory. It is a lot easier to deal with the consequences of setting boundaries when the kids aren't there to witness them.

Thankfully we don't have a lot of major drama now, but there is still nitpicking. I realize he has been tweaking me in front of the kids- and I have been reacting. It's an odd game he plays and it is amusing to him. One of my kids asked " why are you scared of Dad?". How do you answer that? I'm not scared of him. I'm scared of having an angry scene in front of the kids. I grew up with much worse. My answer was about that- I grew up with an abusive parent and I don't manage it well when your father gets angry. I try to avoid it. Maybe not the best answer but better than triangulating.

I feel for you in your situation. Yes, the kids are hurting too. I think kids tend to take out their feelings on the "safe" parent. You're the emotionally safe parent. I agree it is best to avoid triangulation with your H- and not talk about him. I do talk about me and how I work on the issues from my own family background.

I think you've made a significant bond with your kids over the years and while they may be upset now, they are still attached to you. It's tempting to judge someone when they have not been in your shoes- but I think our kids tend to do that. I know that I didn't fully understand the dynamics between my own parents and my BPD mother is very difficult. However, you have raised your children and did the best you could with the circumstances you have. It's OK to take care of yourself now.

[lonely38]

When my BPD husband is upset with me he will say demeaning things to me in front of our children.  I was told by our youngest daughter that she hears he dad talking down to me.  She said mom, when I hear him doing this, I also do it.  She came by the other night and expressed a lot of emotion.  She did say, 'mom, we already know all of dad's stuff.'  I realize they know some of it but they honestly know very little.  For once I am no longer afraid of how it will impact my children and grandchildren to divorce.  I am very sad about it but I feel no other alternatives and I realize my children are grown and they are all very good kids with support who will do ok.  It will be a very new normal as we have experienced all kinds of family togetherness.  We have been a very closeknit family.  This is primarily due to me.  I came from a closeknit family and understood how to make that happen.  My BPD husband did not experience that.  It's interesting to think that I was the one to plan a family reunion for my BPD husband
s family of 50 this past summer.  I love all of the neices and nephews and have stayed in touch with them.  That part really makes me sad but I feel I will stay in touch with them.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi lonely38,
How are things going? Last I read of your posts, you were feeling somewhat adrift from your children as they were processing this. Have things improved?

Cat

[lonely38]

Thank you for checking in.  My BPD husband is still wanting some type of reconciliation but I honestly believe it is about me filling a role for him.  He has not mentioned once that he loves me, that he wants me or that he needs me.  It's always kind of a business proposition.  He and I talked again today and it sounded pretty much the same.

This is all very hard to go through after 38 years of marriage, but I have finally realized I cannot live the rest of my life like this.  Our kids are all struggling but they are all pretty strong.  Giving them space is tough but I am hoping and praying they will see the big picture and gain a better understanding.

Understanding for myself that I have been codependent with both my BPD husband as well as our children (in playing the role of the one who kept our family intact) has worn me out.  Maybe it really is just a matter of time before someone feels like they cannot tolerate this type of behavior anymore.

The thing I struggle with the most is feeling confused.  I have to ask myself if I have really been abused and then I get reminded once again, that, yes, I have been and still am being used by my BPD husband.  He has no real ability to love me as he cannot really even love himself.

[Cat Familiar]

You're dealing with multiple difficult realizations, all at once. Yes, it's a lot to manage, after 38 years. But it sounds like you're coping well, amidst the chaos. Things will start to settle down after a while. You've gone through a very difficult patch and you've done well. 

[formflier]

My BPD husband is still wanting some type of reconciliation but I honestly believe it is about me filling a role for him.  

He has no real ability to love me as he cannot really even love himself.

Lonely38

I don't disagree with your opinion of your husband.  There is a decent chance you are spot on.

I hope you would agree with me, that at the end of the day... .there is no way to know for sure.

I also would ask that you reflect on your reasoning for reconciliation and/or separation and challenge yourself if your reasons are about him or about you.

Think about the person that says "I'm not going to do xyz in this relationship because he can't/won't (abc)"

Think about the person that says "I'm going to have these types (fill in deliberate choices) of relationships in my life."  And then proceeds to have those types of relationships, which also means you don't have other types of relationships.

Do you see a big difference between those people or does it look like nitpicking to you?

FF

[lonely38]

Hi Formflier

Can you elaborate on your post to me from a few days back?  I am trying to understand what you meant?  I am starting to have second thoughts and your post and thoughts came back to me so I looked it up. 

I just do not want to make a horrible decision based on feelings and emotions. 

Thank you

[Cat Familiar]

Are you having second thoughts about proceeding with a divorce?

[lonely38]

Yes I am

[Cat Familiar]

How can we help you?

[lonely38]

Just starting to rethink some details.  While my husband has been told he at least has BPD traits, it does seem that he has had a huge trigger in that year that really set him off.  We moved, he retired, his mom got sick, etc.  This site has been extremely helpful and the reason I even started looking at it was to find a better way to communicate with him.

[Cat Familiar]

Lots of stressful change all at once: moving, retirement, illness of a parent. It sounds like you're rethinking your recent history with these things in mind.

[lonely38]

I have heard that sometimes a person who experiences BPD will have a big reaction to change?  Is that correct?

[Cat Familiar]

These major life changes, all coming simultaneously, are highly distressing for well-adjusted people to handle. For a pwBPD who has difficulty regulating his emotions, it must be tremendously stressful.

[lonely38]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.  Maybe that is more what we have experienced in the last year than a heart breaking loss of our marriage.

[Cat Familiar]

No matter what choice you make in the future, it's good that you examine where you're at now and where you've come from in the near past and in the distant past. That way the decision you make will be well-grounded in fact and history and not as influenced by the emotion of the moment.

[Nole99]

Following this post... .trying to figure out the right thing. Maybe just trying to commit to making a decision that my gut is telling me ... .

[Radcliff]

lonely38,

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

RC

[formflier]

I'm thinking this is the post you wanted me to elaborate on... right?

Lonely38

I don't disagree with your opinion of your husband.  There is a decent chance you are spot on.

I hope you would agree with me, that at the end of the day... .there is no way to know for sure.

I also would ask that you reflect on your reasoning for reconciliation and/or separation and challenge yourself if your reasons are about him or about you.

Think about the person that says "I'm not going to do xyz in this relationship because he can't/won't (abc)"

Think about the person that says "I'm going to have these types (fill in deliberate choices) of relationships in my life."  And then proceeds to have those types of relationships, which also means you don't have other types of relationships.

Do you see a big difference between those people or does it look like nitpicking to you?

FF

What specific questions do you have?  What thoughts were you having that brought you to raise this issue again?


Broadly... .this is a "mindset" or "process" post. 

Many people (including me... and still me to some extent) in relationships with a pwBPD will make most of their life decisions "relative" to what their pwBPD can or can't do (or our perception)

So... .I'm hoping to get you to think about your life if you figured out the life you want to live... .then proceeded to live that life and left the door open for people that want to join you (with your standards).

Realizing that some people may choose not to join you.

Let them react to you... .decide their lives based on your actions... .vice you deciding based on theirs.

OK... I'll hush and see if this clarifies and what you were thinking.

FF