Holiday Stress. I am dreading the holiday

[Tootrue89]

This is my first post. I always dread this time of year. It’s hard to see people excited for the holidays, it feels unfair because I know every year my mother is going to cause a crisis in my family’s life. My parents are divorced and my father remarried only recently. My brothers and I are all adults and don’t really look at my dad’s wife as a mom but more like a loving companion to my father and member of the family. My mother is very bitter about my father remarriying, she feels threatened and see my dads wife as trying to replace her as a mother. My birthday falls around thanksgiving which can complicate things. My mom and dad have separate thanksgivings with us ( my father decided on this because of the rages of my mom). My mom is very concerned with celebrating thanksgiving on the actual day and my dad doesn’t care which day. So this year we had thanksgiving with my mom. The next day was my birthday and we ended up having dinner with my dad. My mother found out about this and accused my brothers and me of deliberately excluding her. She told me that I betrayed her and hurt her for “excluding her”. I’m trying to remain calm but Christmas is coming up and I know she’s going to do the same thing again. She gets so mad when we get together without her, but we always try to give them each family time equally. I’m just not sure how to cope with and manage this situation. I am dreading the holiday and I feel ashamed that I may come across to others as hating the holidays, which is not my intention at all.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Tootrue89, 

Welcome to our family! Your post rings way too true for me, and I know it will for so many others here too. Been there and gone through what you are so many times. It stinks, doesn't it? I'm really sorry that you are going through this. Sitting there and hearing from your uBPDm like this makes a person want to run and hide and never go back!

A pwBPD doesn't know how to self sooth except for these external behaviours that blow up in front of everyone close to them. Often a small cushion of safety can be achieved by bringing someone from the outside in to the family for a visit for example, especially during a holiday. Is it possible to invite someone else to come with you (warning them ahead of time) to enjoy a meal with your family or someone that your mom really likes? It won't cure the problem, but it can provide you that chance for a small semblance of safety for a particular visit for example.

Does this make sense? We encourage members to do what they need to do in order to remain safe not only physically but also emotionally. We can also brain storm for some other ideas.

Wools

[Tootrue89]

Thank you for replying, it helps so much to know I am not alone in my experiences. I will be bringing my husband with me to the holidays for emotional support and safety. My mom has never gotten close to him but likes him so she has never acted out in his presence thankfully. Where I get most of the abuse is over the phone. She will call me and tell me how horrible I am and how she wishes I was never born. It really crushes my spirit, and it makes me never look forward to the holidays because I fear these calls. My husband says not to answer the phone. I’ve been reading about BPD and it says that ignoring the BPD will cause them to become more upset. Is there a way to help handle these calls in a way that is positive and helpful for us both? Right now when she calls I try to avoid talking about the situation and find a way to change the subject. I use humor to try to calm her down, making her laugh can get her off the subject. The concern I have is I cannot find a way to respond to her in a way that sets up boundaries but doesn’t escalate the problem.

[zachira]

The holidays can be a time of tumultuous pain when dealing with a parent with BPD. It seems that children with a parent with BPD are made to feel that they can never do enough and do it right, from the parent with BPD's perspective. How are you dealing with the feelings that keep coming up regarding the holidays? You are an individual and part of being a happy healthy human being is you don't have to be like everybody else and be part of the happy holiday season narrative if that does not fit with your reality. For many people, the holidays are not a happy time because of all the tension and pain between family members. What can you do ahead of time to reduce the stress of the holiday season? Do take advantage of many of the tools on this web site. Basically, we teach people how to manage their own emotions, so they don't take on so much the feelings of their family members with BPD. People with BPD like to dump their unwanted uncomfortable feelings onto others, especially family members. Perhaps, your challenge is to feel less of your mother's upset, and as much as possible, appreciate the special person you are.

[Harri]

Hi.  Count me as another who went through that back when my mother was alive.  It is not easy and my stomach still gets in knots when I remember back.

What you are doing with trying to change the subject and make her laugh is good.  When that does not work and you really want to set a boundary (which is a good thing to do) you can say "Mom I do want to talk with you and I enjoy it.  Can we have this conversation another time when things are calmer?" or some variation like that.  That way you are acknowledging her and telling her you care and enjoy her company but you are protecting yourself too.

She may escalate regardless of what you do.  It is common when we begin to set boundaries and is to be expected.  It is called an extinction burst.  It is okay.  Just stick firm to your boundary and use it every time she begins to rant and rage at you.  You do not have to listen to verbal abuse.  You can say no kindly and with respect.  If she gets upset, that is on her.  Give her time to self soothe.

Make sense?  We can talk more about this here.  

[Tootrue89]

Thank you. This is very helpful. I am going to try these recommendations. If it’s ok, I would appreciate if I can keep you posted as the holidays progress and get your feedback.

[Harri]

Hi tootrue!

If it’s ok, I would appreciate if I can keep you posted as the holidays progress and get your feedback.

It is more than okay, it is what we hope you will do.  Working things out here and getting feedback and even just sharing is so important.  You don't have to deal with this alone.

BTW, it is good if you post even when things are clam.  It is so much harder to learn how to make changes when we're upset or in the middle of a crisis.

So yes, post away!   

[Panda39]

Hi Tootrue89,

You are most definitely not alone in the holiday drama, the holidays are often pressure packed... .lots of expectations, keeping up appearances, and lots to get done.  It can be tough for the best of us but then you throw in an emotionally immature and needy person with BPD and it escalates even more.

Harri mentioned having boundaries, and yes she is right they can escalate.  Below is my analogy regarding boundaries. I share this both so you see the dynamic and hopefully to see your mom as a kid having a tantrum so you are able to take things less personally.  So you are able to see her emotional immaturity, to see that her behavior is her issue and has nothing to do with you and who you are.

We've all seen this at the grocery store... .

Mom's value: I want to take good care of my child and that includes eating good healthy food.
Mom's boundary: Sweets are to be had at special occasions only
Mom's Action: Not buy sweets for her child while grocery shopping

A little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no so the kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no again so the kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no for the third time, this time kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum (what we call an Extinction Burst). What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

This does not mean however that the little kid won't ask again the next time mom and he go to the grocery store... .the kid will test the boundary again and so will the person with BPD in your life.  The key here is to always be consistent with your boundary.

Links to more on Boundaries... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

I agree with Harri a boundary for you could be to end the phone call if your mother becomes verbally abusive, you do not have to sit there and take it.  The only variation on Harri's suggestion I would make is to make a statement, don't make it a question.

Mom, unless we can calm down and have a conversation, I will hang up and talk with you later once we have the chance to cool down.  If she adjusts and backs off great, continue the conversation and if she doesn't or if she escalates, then tell her you are hanging up and will talk to her later.  Then turn off your phone, because if she is true to form she will blow up your phone.  Ignore it.  She will need time to regulate her own emotions (it is not your job to regulate her emotions)

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Harri]

The only variation on Harri's suggestion I would make is to make a statement, don't make it a question.

Oh!  Nice catch Panda!  for sure it should be a statement not a question!  Thanks.   

[Tootrue89]

That makes more sense, a statement instead of a question is more firm. I had a call from her today. She said “ I love you so much and you’re my only daughter, I don’t understand why you don’t love me back and why you avoid me”. She is upset because when my husband’s family came to visit from out of town we did not go to see her. We prefer not to see her because of her behavior and because she always brings up my dad. Is there a way to respond to this without making things worse? I just responded with “well I don’t feel that way, I do care about you” and then I changed the subject. It worked for now but I know this is not going to stop this cycle. Is there any advice you can give me for this?

[Harri]

I just responded with “well I don’t feel that way, I do care about you” and then I changed the subject. It worked for now but I know this is not going to stop this cycle. Is there any advice you can give me for this?

When she says you don't love her and you respond by saying yes I do, it is invalidating her feeling of not being loved.   Instead of saying she is wrong or trying to explain, we can validate.  We don't want to validate the invalid though.  What we/you can do is validate the feelings behind her statement(s).

For example when she says:   “I love you so much and you’re my only daughter, I don’t understand why you don’t love me back and why you avoid me”. you can say "I am sure it is very painful to think I do not love you and I avoid you."

Validation is important because a lot of what we say and do instinctively is the opposite of what we should be doing when talking to someone who is upset and especially if the person has BPD.   We often try to convince them that they are seeing things wrong and that we do love them (or whatever they are saying) and that can add fuel to what will inevitably be a circular discussion.  Validation meets them where they are at, they feel like they are being heard and it shows that you are paying attention. 

How does that sound?

[kylie34]

I want to say that I am grateful for all the advice being posted on here regarding the holidays. I really hope we all make it as smoothly as possible. I cannot *wait* for the holidays to come and go. I do not recall ever feeling this way about the holidays and I'm sad that I do have these sentiments. This Christmas is already dreadful because I will be moving away out of state the day after and I will be forced to divide up my time between my UBPD mom and dad, and my fiance. Since their last horrific encounter, my mom and fiance have had no contact and he and I chose to spend Thanksgiving alone without my family.  It was a peaceful day but I felt horrible deep down. Some of his family will be hosting a Christmas Eve and he really wants me there, but I know if I do not spend it with my parents, my mom will have a meltdown. My fiance has been understanding but he's upset that my mom "wins" by getting what she wants- me for the holidays without him around. I feel tremendous guilt and sadness because this is not how I wanted my last days home to go. No matter how I choose to handle it, I don't feel like anyone really "wins" in this situation.

[Harri]

Hi Kylie.

Having to split your holiday three ways sounds so complicated, plus moving on top of that. 

I think you are right that no one wins in situations like this.  What we can do is make choices based on what is right for us.  Your mother is responsible for her own emotions though.  I understand that you don't want to set her off though.  It is a tough situation as there is no 100% good solution.

Good luck with your move.  Will you still be with your fiancee or will there be geographical distance?

[kylie34]

Thanks Harri. I know a lot of people express this here, but part of the reason I don't want to rock the boat is that I want to spend my last few days in town with my dad too. He doesn't deserve this even though he's a bit of an enabler.  However, I am determined to keep my boundaries in place during my visits. It is really my only strategy for the upcoming days. That, and trying not to JADE. I haven't had much practice with that because recently I have just tried to avoid hot topics or changed the subject when things start going in a familiar and ugly direction.

And to answer your question, I will be moving with my fiance to our new home. That is the main reason my mom can't stand him and has tried to sabotage our relationship. We're in our thirties, launching new careers and buying a home together in a place where we believe will allow us a better quality of life. But of course, her perspective is that it's really all about her and that my fiance has manipulated me into wanting to get as far away from her as possible. I hope that next year we can establish our own traditions so I don't feel pulled in so many directions.

[Harri]

Wanting peace and to be able to spend time with your dad is an excellent reason to 'keep the peace'.  We will have situations where we need to weight the pros and cons and I think you made a good choice here, not that my opinion rally matters.

Avoiding hot topics and changing the subject is a very good and valid technique to keep the conflict down.  JADE can help when those don't work.  And of course boundaries are always a good thing. 

I can't remember if we have covered this before but do you think your mom hating your finacee is related to a fear of abandonment, as in he is taking you away from her?

About the house and new careers!  How exciting!  And stressful!  But wonderful!    

It will be a great time to set your own traditions and work on boundaries too.  Are you moving far away?

[kylie34]

Sorry I did not respond sooner. I have not had Wi-Fi for a few days and we are now on the road.  We left Florida for Virginia. This is a very positive move. We're doing it to advance our careers and improve our quality of life. It's an exciting yet scary time. I'm trying to enjoy it as much as possible.

I've discussed my situation here in the past and I especially recall NotWendy helping me out with her sage advice. I'm confident the issue my mom has is based on abandonment and she sees my fiance as her #1 threat. Nevermind my ambitions or desires. They don't count. It's like to her they can't possibly be true. "Somebody" has inserted them in my head- brainwashing me and making me believe this is what I want. Yikes.  My mom was obsessed/crazy about my fiance until we discussed our desire to move. After that, she went from seeing him as this angel and to now he's the devil. Everything she found charming, funny or interesting about him makes him now arrogant, ignorant and malicious in her eyes. She scrutinizes his every action and word, and somehow twists the most benign things to support her narrative. This has been going on for over a year.  And don't get me started on his family. She hates them all and harasses some on facebook, even the ones she hasn't met.

I ended up visiting my parents on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day without him. He and I discussed it at length and decided it was for the best. I spent time with his family on the 22nd & 23rd, and after dinner on the 24th with my parents, I went to his family's get together and we had a nice time.  During my visit with my parents, mom didn't even acknowledge or question his absence. Anytime I brought him up in conversation, she glossed right over the subject, like he didn't exist.  She even whined about the fact that I wasn't sleeping over her house on Christmas Eve (This is not a tradition and I live 30 minutes away with my fiance. I have only crashed at their house prior to being with my fiance if I've had too much wine.) I just ignored it and changed the subject. Otherwise, my mom was in a nasty mood about half the time, raging about former friends, neighbors and my father. She went on a few rants over decades-old grudges she still holds on some people. I did not engage her and successfully changed the subject but it was downright exhausting to hear her spew so much negativity.

On Christmas afternoon, she held it together until I was getting ready to leave. She went on a barely coherent rant about my fiance and also told me how horrible I have acted towards her in front of him. It of course quickly turned into a meltdown because she kept yelling at me and when I tried to respond,  she'd lose it saying that I wasn't letting her speak. The conversation maybe lasted five minutes (really-- it felt like an eternity but in hindsight, it was one of the shortest arguments I think we've had)  but it was a total mind F***. I had no idea what she was talking about for most of it and then it became about something I said during our last argument and her insisting that I had meant it a certain way. I tried to explain myself but of course, it was useless. That's probably where I failed the most this Christmas. I hate that she has this capability- to accuse me of something so wrong and misconstrued (especially in front of my father) that I can't help but to defend myself.  

So during her meltdown, I'm pretty sure she went to hit me but then stopped herself. She's hit me in the past, way into adulthood, but usually either I block her or my dad intervenes.  She kissed me on the forehead and told me "good luck, have a nice life" and stormed out of the house. On the way out, she told my father to let her know when I left because she would not return until I was gone. The next day, I stopped by to try to say goodbye again (mostly to see my dad) and she refused to see me by again. She left the house and told my dad to call her when I was gone. Both times she took off, she went on foot with her dog. Their neighborhood isn't large and I did not look for her, but it's as if she literally disappeared because I didn't see her anywhere while I drove out.

It's been three days now since I've heard from her. This is not the first time or the longest we've been without contact. (Max was about 2-3 weeks a few years ago when she lunged at me to hit me and pulled a gun on herself during one her self-created meltdowns).  She's already admitted in the past that when we temporarily go NC, she purposely does not and will not be the first to reach out. I really don't know what to make of this behavior. It's completely inappropriate and downright bizarre. Some of it, like the storming out, feels like a  cry for help. Does she want me to hunt her down in the neighborhood and beg her for something? Does she want me to leave my fiance, cancel my move, and stay in Florida? I don't even know how to go about it at this point. I feel like if I reach out, I validate her behavior. But long-term NC has never seemed to be a viable solution for me. I know I need to focus on everything ahead of me. Yet, I feel like NC is much harder on me than having to deal with her drama.  

In summary, I knew the holidays would be difficult, stressful and uncomfortable, but I did not expect this! I feel naive.