No contact with daughter

[eggshellalert]

Oh I am so heartbroken and hurt. Our adult daughter has cut off all contact with her family for more than 6 months (dad, mom, sister). As I think back I see that it's been a gradual cut-off until now there is no contact. Blocked our numbers, social media etc. We've tried various ways, including a session with a therapist, but no, she wants nothing to do with us (except for her grandmother). Thanksgiving was a huge elephant in the room with her missing. I've sent her a Christmas card and dad, mom, sister signed it. I'm reading the book "Stop walking on eggshells" and it is a big help to learn about BPD (has no friends, failed marriage, never wrong, etc.).   I want to let her know I love her and want her, but am I alienating her even more? Do I call to tell her the family plans? Her dad and sister are just plain mad at her. She is "disrespectful, ungrateful, etc. I am angry too, but I want to have a relationship with her. It is hurting to think I won't see her again.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello eggshellalert,

I’d like to welcome you to bpdfamily and I want to let you know that you are not alone 

My adult son uBPD (undiagnosed), cut off me (his mum), his dad and one of his sisters and he has replaced me with his grandmother (my mum) and he also has some contact (when it suits him) with his other sister. So you see, we have a few similarities.

I understand completely how you must be feeling, it is heartbreaking and truly hurtful when someone we love, and especially one of our children, cuts us out of their lives.

You say that it was a gradual cut off, how exactly did it happen?

The session with the therapist, who was involved in that, and how did it go?

I understand you wanting to have a relationship with your daughter, of course you do, you love her and want what’s best for her. I feel the same about my son, I have been periodically reaching out to him but sadly he no longer responds. I think personally that is all that you can do, keep reaching out whilst learning as much as you can about the disorder, as of course, you are doing. Is your daughter diagnosed?

I look forward to hearing more from you x 

[Merlot]

Hi Eggshellalert

I join Feeling Better in welcoming you to the bpdfamily.

Feeling Better and I travel similar journeys in having been cut off by our children. My DD27 cut me out 11 months ago.  I tried reaching out a few times and was met with abusive responses. I used
 the time wisely to step back, deal with my own anger and grief, and learn about BPD and myself. I received so much guidance and support from parents here and the board to the right is really helpful.  I also found "Walking on Egg shells" very helpful.

Like FB, despite the rejection,.I kept reaching out periodically with a card to let her know I still love her. 1 month ago she contacted me via email wanting to see me when I am in our home state next time.  It has taken her 10 months to get over her anger.

Take good care of yourself and find the strong you to get through this. There are many who love you and need you including your daughter.

Merlot

[eggshellalert]

 Thank you Merlot and feeling better for reaching out to me I really do need someone to talk to you. I’ll try to answer your questions. The gradual cut off started happening over the years.  my daughter lives an hour away and when I think back she would come to visit less and less until She stop seeing us . since April of this year.  The only person she has contact with in our family is my mother .  Therapy session came after my husband went to see her to ask what is happening here and if she says it’s a problem between her and her mother, me, then the two of us should go to a counselor. she agreed but within five minutes of being there she announced that she won’t be coming back after this one session.  She has not been diagnosed as far as I know with BPD . When I sat and listened to what she had to say about me and our family I was shocked. I did not know the person sitting in that chair. I just do not understand it. it hurts so much and I just want to help her in someway but I know from the book “stop walking on eggshells” that  I cannot help her it has to come from her. With Christmas coming up it will be a big empty space not having my family together. My mother tells me They have planned a Christmas get together for themselves, which also really really hurts because my mother is carrying on like nothing is amiss. I just don’t understand. we used to have fun text messages back-and-forth but she never told me anything that was bothering her she just stopped. I husband and I showed up at her house unannounced because we were never getting any contact with and needed to Know what was happening. oh she separated us and she let me have it and told me that I was not welcome in her home etc.What do I do? I don’t want to push her away even further by smothering but I just don’t understand this.

[Only Human]

Hello eggshellalert, 

I join Merlot and FeelingBetter in welcoming you to the family.

I have been cut out in the past but only for brief periods of time. It's devastating because we love our children and worry about them.

You ask, "What do I do?" and I wish there was a quick solution to offer you. You've taken a great first step in finding us and posting, reaching out for support. 

I encourage you to read and participate in other members' threads. It really helps to know we are not alone.  Like many of us, I came here in crisis. Having the support and knowledge of a whole community of people on similar journeys has helped me to feel less isolated, more confident, and has given me hope.

I am learning ways to ease my suffering and improve my relationship with my daughter and with myself. It's hard work and I don't always do it "right," but BPD Family has definitely got my back.

Again, Welcome to the Family 

~ OH

[eggshellalert]

Please I really need advice. Is it worse to abide by her wishes and not contact her than to reach out? Is this recommended? Or will it push away more? I feel like if I reach out at least she knows I love her, right? Or will that make it worse? I just don’t know how she interprets my reaching out.

[Feeling Better]

Please I really need advice. Is it worse to abide by her wishes and not contact her than to reach out? Is this recommended? Or will it push away more? I feel like if I reach out at least she knows I love her, right? Or will that make it worse? I just don’t know how she interprets my reaching out.

I don’t think that there is a cut and dried answer to this, it depends on each situation and each individual. When my son asked me to leave him alone (I’d been emailing him), I was so upset that I wasn’t in a fit state to contact him anyway. I left it about four months before I contacted him again, saying that I’d respected his wishes and could he please let me know that he was ok. He replied “I’m ok”

After that, and following advice from members here not to have any expectations of a response by not asking questions, (because I was getting too upset), I continued to reach out to him. He no longer responds now to any messages (I don’t know if that’s because I no longer ask questions) but I still keep trying to reach out in the hope that one day he might reconnect. This is what has happened to me, it may not happen to you, your daughter might respond.

I’m sorry that I don’t have a definitive answer for you, the only thing you can do, I think, is to try reaching out, let her know that you love her and will always be there for her, as a starting point, and wait and see what happens 

FB x

[eggshellalert]

Oh thank you! It is so heartbreaking! Especially this time of year! We sent her a card and I said “Love you and Miss you”. She is having a Christmas with my mother, which also hurts me. Does she do these things to hurt me? Thank you for sharing your experience with your son. I’m sorry that he does not respond. It’s so hard. All the wonderful things we did for our kids when they were young. We were there for them when they needed us and I just can’t vet over she doesn’t want us. 

[Feeling Better]

I’m glad to hear that you sent her a card and I hope that she responds and thanks you.

I’m sending you a big hug   because yes, it does hurt when they cut us out, preferring to spend Christmas with another family member rather than us. My son lives in a different country to me and he is due to visit very soon, not me, but my mother. He won’t be spending Christmas with her but he will be spending some time with her whilst he is here, so yes, I do get how hurtful it can be.

I hope that you are able to turn your thoughts towards yourself, your happiness and your own well being at this difficult time and that you can enjoy Christmas as best you can. Will your other daughter be spending Christmas Day with you?

FB x

[eggshellalert]

We have had no reply from her. I left a short voice mail with her on Christmas Eve. I told her I love her and care for her and realize I have hurt her in the past, wish her a happy Christmas. Still no response. Her boyfriend sent a message to my husband on Christmas Day saying Merry Christmas and say hi to everyone.  We did not respond. We are fed up. I will not reach out again. She is a grown adult (33). If she thinks we are so horrible, I won’t change her mind. I can’t imagine the lies she tells people why she doesn’t see her family. She would rather ignore those that she knows love her to spend with another family.  My mother and her see each other. I feel betrayed by my mother that she can’t support me. I will not play to my daughter’s “poor me” game any more. You are an adult, you know what’s right and wrong, you’re making a choice not to treat your family with respect.
(Thanks for letting me vent!)

[Only Human]

I left a short voice mail with her on Christmas Eve. I told her I love her and care for her and realize I have hurt her in the past, wish her a happy Christmas.

This was a lovely thing to do, eggshellalert. I believe it's important to own-up when we see how our past behaviors have harmed someone.

Still no response.

I'm sure that was tough, not getting a response. It's not easy to put ourselves "out there," and it's normal to want our efforts at reaching out in this way to be acknowledged.  

Her boyfriend sent a message to my husband on Christmas Day saying Merry Christmas and say hi to everyone.  We did not respond.

I'd be inclined to respond to this for the reasons above, that it's nice to be acknowledged for reaching out. A short response, even days later, models appropriate behavior for your D.

We are fed up.

I totally understand being fed up, eggshellalert. We are pushed to the limits of normal parenting with our BPD children. Hang in there, things can get better. It won't be easy but I'm here to tell you it's worth the work we do.

Keep talking to us, we are here with you, holding you up when you are not strong.

~ OH

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[eggshellalert]

Thank you so much OH for your response. I feel very alone with this joirney. I have tried: written her a letter, gone to a counselor with her, sent a Christmas card, and the voice mail I mentioned earlier. No response from her. I just cannot get past that she wants to hurt her family. I’m not loosing more sleep over this. The more I reach out the less good it does, so the ball is in her court now. Thank you for listening.

[Feeling Better]

I can’t imagine the lies she tells people why she doesn’t see her family. She would rather ignore those that she knows love her to spend with another family.  My mother and her see each other. I feel betrayed by my mother that she can’t support me.

eggshellalert, I could have written practically word for word what you have written here, except that my mother and my son phone each other.

I know how awful this all is, I have imagined the lies that my son tells people, and even worse for me, is thinking that these people believe him. I also feel betrayed by my mother, that she doesn’t support me, I have confided in her in the past and I really wish now that I hadn’t. But I can’t change the past, I can only learn from it and that’s what I’m trying to do here. How’s your relationship with your mother? Do you have contact with her, see her?

FB x

[Huat]

Hello Eggshellalert.

Glad you are here and I hope, in time, this will become your lifeline.  It is mine.

Already you have good advice/support coming from Feeling Better and Only Human and I echo all they have to say. 

My story has similarities.  My daughter is 52, starting running away when she was 12 and when she got too old for that, she would cut us out of her life and our grandchildren's lives.  Periods of no-contact happened so many times, I can't give you a count.  Currently we are in no contact again but this time it is us, her parents, telling her the next time we meet has to be in counselling.  She refuses.

As were surrogate parents to those 2 grandchildren when they were little, trying our best to make things "normal" during all the drama that came from their mother's separations from their (different) fathers, followed by ugly custody battles, I never would have thought they would turn their backs on us... .but... .our daughter's modus operandi is that you are either with her... .or against her; consequently, they (now 26/28) silently left our lives... .as they have left the lives of each of their fathers and their fathers' families.  Pretty sad, huh?

We, as mothers, know only too well how much it hurts when a child turns away from you.  We loved and tended to them when they were young and this is not the payback we expected to be getting... .but this is the way it is... .and the work cut out for us is to learn how to deal with it.

I, too, wore my heart on my sleeve.  Early on my daughter found my button.  She would push it and I would react... .usually with tears... .the cycle went on and on.  She wasn't about to change... .so I had to.

For what it is worth, I think you should keep making contact with your daughter... .but... .not as much.  Birthdays, Christmas, etc... .reaching out with the fewer words the better... .definitely no words that would sound like you are wanting a response.  Don't set yourself up for possible disappointment.

It must be so hurtful for you to know she keeps in touch with your mother but not with you.  I can see how you feel betrayed.  I would be, too.  Could be, though, your mother is not wanting to take sides?  A difficult position for her to be in, for sure.  The one good thing about that, though, is knowing someone is in contact with your daughter... .no need to worry about her well-being.  Your mother will know.

You keep hanging on, Eggshellalert!   Sadly I can attest to the fact that the hurt will not go away overnight.  In fact, it will always hurt (after all... .we are mothers!)... .but less and less as you work on putting your focus on other aspects of your life.  Besides getting responses and support in answer to your posts, there is so much information available on this website to help you get a start on making changes to what can be better-tomorrows.

Pretty well all of us came here the way you have... .distraught and broken.  Just knowing that there are others who can truly say... ."I know how you feel"... .is validating.

Keep writing, Eggfshellalert.  That in itself is part of the healing.

Huat

[eggshellalert]

Yes, I see my mother. Not often, we were not always close (some history there—that my kids don’t know about)... .

[Only Human]

I want you to know you are not alone in your journey. Family here is walking with you, learning with you, supporting you. I thank my lucky stars every day that I found this place. Most people in my life can't understand what I've gone through, what I'm going through, with my DD. Unless you've loved a pwBPD, how could you know? I stopped talking about it because I got bad advice, "kick her out already, geeze," or I felt judged, like people blamed my poor parenting for her behavior. I felt very alone, out of ideas, out of hope.

We get it, we've been there, are there. Learning, succeeding, and trying again when we fail. 

I hope you keep posting, sharing your experiences and feelings. There is much truth to the saying, "A problem shared is a problem halved." 

~ OH

[eggshellalert]

Thank you Only Human and Huat. Noone but those that live it can understand.

[Feeling Better]

Yes, I see my mother. Not often, we were not always close (some history there—that my kids don’t know about)... .

I am so sorry to hear that you and your mother have history, it is up to you whether you wish to share 
Does your mother discuss your daughter with you or does she exclude you, as my mother does me regarding my son? My mother relishes being his “go to” person, I guess it makes her feel important, well certainly more important than me that’s for sure

FB x

[Feeling Better]

I forgot to say in my previous post, my main concern about my mother and her relationship with my son is that she will be validating the invalid. Whatever he tells her she will believe and will be nodding her head and voicing her agreement. I was just wondering, do you think that your mother might be doing the same with your daughter?

FB x

[Only Human]

Hi, just checking in to see how you're doing.

~ OH

[Only Human]

This thread has reached it post number limit and has been locked.

Part 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335230.0

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders