How to support step-children who have BPD mother

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello, everyone. I have been working on digging into understanding my relationship with my mother, who I believe has undiagnosed BPD, and in the process, I am starting to realize that my husband's ex-wife, who is the mother of his two teenage sons, may also have undiagnosed BPD and/or NPD. I don't know her well, but based on what I have experienced, plus what other people have told me (understanding that this is hearsay and only one side of the story), it sure seems like she exhibits many of the signs. I believe that she is creating a situation in which her older son may also be developing BPD or NPD. I'm wondering what I can do to help support my step-sons. Their dad and I have a healthy and loving relationship, and we have a happy and stable home life. However, the kids are only with us every other weekend, and the older son has decided to have limited to no contact with us (at his mother's behest, I suspect). If there are any readers out there with divorced parents, one of whom has BPD and the other who is mentally and emotionally healthy, what did you get or what did you want from your healthy parent? Thank you in advance for whatever thoughts or advice you can offer.

[noapostrophe]

Hello, everyone. I have been working on digging into understanding my relationship with my mother, who I believe has undiagnosed BPD, and in the process, I am starting to realize that my husband's ex-wife, who is the mother of his two teenage sons, may also have undiagnosed BPD and/or NPD. I don't know her well, but based on what I have experienced, plus what other people have told me (understanding that this is hearsay and only one side of the story), it sure seems like she exhibits many of the signs. I believe that she is creating a situation in which her older son may also be developing BPD or NPD. I'm wondering what I can do to help support my step-sons. Their dad and I have a healthy and loving relationship, and we have a happy and stable home life. However, the kids are only with us every other weekend, and the older son has decided to have limited to no contact with us (at his mother's behest, I suspect). If there are any readers out there with divorced parents, one of whom has BPD and the other who is mentally and emotionally healthy, what did you get or what did you want from your healthy parent? Thank you in advance for whatever thoughts or advice you can offer.

[Turkish]

How old are the kids?  What reasons is the eldest giving you for limiting contact?

We have many step-parents and parents here who have dealt with or are dealing with similar issues. 

How long has the current arrangement been and why do you suspect the mom has influence? I don't disbelieve you in the least, but it's good to get a history. 

[worriedStepmom]

What a difficult situation!  How old are your stepsons?  Is the younger one still visiting regularly?  How long has it been since the older one visited?

My SD11's mother mostly likely is undiagnosed BPD (her only diagnosis so far is anxiety, but that's definitely not all it is).  SD was 2 when her parents divorced and 5 when I married her dad.  Mom is the waifiest of waifs.

I think SD could have been on track to developed BPD of her own.  We validated the heck out of her when she was at our home and helped her to learn how to regulate her own emotions.  We talk a lot as a family about healthy boundaries, and we give examples from our adult lives of how/why we set boundaries, and how it feels when we enforce them or fail to enforce them.  Most of these lessons have come from me - as the parent (in this house) of the same gender, she tends to look to me as the role model.  H spends a lot of one-on-one time with SD and is genuinely interested in what she has to say and is completely nonjudgmental.  She knows she can tell him anything.  He is also EXTREMELY easygoing and his mood is very stable, which is the opposite of the environment at her other home.

As hard as it sometimes is, we never say anything bad about uBPDmom.   At most, I've told SD that mom must be confused about some item where mom and dad are telling SD diametrically opposed things.  We also joke about stuff.  uBPDmom thinks (and tells SD that) I am evil incarnate, so I tell SD that my goal in life is to be the evil stepmom, but so far only her mom believes me, so obviously I have to work harder to earn the reputation.

We go to everything - all the extracurriculars, all the school events, anything that SD might possibly want an audience for.  As a family, we support each other, and I know SD appreciates that (her mom rarely shows up).

SD started exhibiting signs of stress in the spring, so H went back to court to get primary custody and also insisted that she start seeing a therapist.  She is SOO much happier and healthier now.  She told me that her dad is her role model.   

If your H can manage to get the boys into therapy, that could help. In my metro area, there are also (very expensive) programs which help families dealing with various levels of parental alienation.  Getting recommendations from those kinds of professionals about which parents are the problem can help in gaining more custodial time, if your H is interested in pursuing that.

[noapostrophe]

Thanks so much for your replies. This is going to be really long, and I do apologize for it. I'm new here, and I appreciate that this community exists!
Kiddos are 17 and 14. Their parents separated in 2009, when they were 8 and 5 (they had been married 11 years; she initiated the divorce and moved out, and she had a new boyfriend a few months later, someone she already knew), and they had 50/50 custody from the start (H pushed for that - his ex wanted him to sign over all parental rights to her, and he wanted to have a relationship with his kids). SS17 did not handle the divorce well and developed some anger issues, which H brought him to therapy for. SS14 handled the divorce better and talked with H about his feelings. When H and I met in 2012, he still had 50/50 custody, but about a year later, SS17 (age 12 at the time) decided for some unclear reason that he was upset with H and he refused to come over to H's house when it was his week. The ex sued for more custody for both kids, H fought it, and ended up with SS17 coming over every other weekend and SS14 staying with 50/50. H tried to go to therapy with SS17, but the ex doesn't believe in therapy, SS17 didn't really have anything specific to say (just that H never listens to him, but didn't have any examples), and they didn't stick with therapy for long. H and I married in 2015 (boys ages 13 and 10). In 2016, SS14 (age 12 at the time) decided to go with the same schedule as SS17 because he has so many activities that his mom is involved with and he didn't like all the back-and-forth between houses. H didn't fight it, and now we only see both kids every other weekend, plus extra time for holidays and summer vacation.

SS17 has always been the more emotional kid and has a history of meltdowns/temper tantrums (even as a teenager) over the smallest things, like being asked to help clean up after a game or activity. His mom enables it, picking him up every time he had a meltdown and not requiring him to follow the custody schedule. Things improved when SS17 got to high school, as he is involved with activities he enjoys, which he initiated. However, this past July, he lied to H about where he was going and when he would be home (he showed up at 3am instead of the promised 11pm), H was understandably upset and told SS17 he wanted to discuss expectations for when he's at our house; SS17 went back to his mom's and hasn't spent a single night at our house since then. He didn't even talk to H for a few months, and then decided he wanted some money so he agreed to spend some afternoons together or help out around our house to earn the money. H has tried numerous times get SS17 to talk about why he's upset, but SS17 won't say anything specific and mostly refuses to talk about it at all. H and SS14 have always had a good relationship, and SS14 seems to thrive at our house without his brother around. He even comes over sometimes when it's not our weekend to help out or go fishing with H. I do understand the dynamics. For one thing, being a teenager is hard, even more so with divorced parents who don't co-parent, plus a step-parent (their mom has a long-term boyfriend whom she met through one of the kids' activities; it's a different guy from the post-divorce bf). Plus, H is not an emotional person, so he and SS17 don't see eye-to-eye. SS14 is more like his dad, so they get along better, and the boys have a tenuous relationship but aren't close.

As for the ex (uBPDmom)... .as I mentioned, I don't know her well, so my impression is based on how I see her treat the kiddos and H, and what H's family has told me about her. (I'm careful to remember that it's only one side of the story, but H and his family are really super good people, and I believe that they are mostly telling the truth.) I also want to point out that she is not the devil; she has generally done a good job raising the kids, and they are overall great kids - smart, fun, helpful, good heads on their shoulders. H has summed up uBPDmom by saying that she comes across as a fun person, but it's really to cover up the fact that she's actually deeply unhappy. She always has to have an enemy, usually someone who disagreed with her over something and was therefore written out of her life. She experienced some trauma as a teenager and had health problems in her early 20s (and maybe still now) and seems to have carried that with her all these years. Some examples of her behavior:
--It never used to be a problem to have the kids bring their sleeping bags between houses for camping trips, but suddenly a few years ago, she decided not to allow it, claiming that the kids were worried that H and I would try to steal them (what?).
-- H and I were at SS14's soccer game, which uBPDmom coached. SS14 was gently tossing a water bottle up and catching it, and uBPDmom said, "If you do that again, you're walking home." H says this was a threat she made all the time, even when the kids were little, something H's mom had also told me in the past.
-- H says uBPDmom also had a nasty pinch that she used on him and the kids when she was unhappy about something they did or said (it's unclear whether she still does).
-- uBPDmom buys insulting political t-shirts for the kids to wear, knowing that her politics are the opposite of ours. She also put a bumper sticker on her car making fun of an athletic activity that H and I enjoy doing, as if it's supposed to hurt our feelings. When she got a new car, she got a new sticker.
-- uBPDmom has said numerous nasty things over the years to H, claiming that she is afraid of him (what? he's such a gentle soul), that he's a terrible father, that he shouldn't try to get involved in issues involving the kids, etc. It is clear that she resents his presence in the kids' lives, and she does what she can to compromise his relationship with them.
-- The kids are never allowed to tell us anything about what they do when they're with her. A question about what they did for the weekend or where they went is met with some clever remark meant to evade the question. H says she likes to have secrets with the kids. In fact, she regularly withholds information from H regarding his kids' health, activities, etc., and only contacts him to tell him his share of payments for doctor visits, activities, etc.
-- uBPDmom just scheduled their summer trip to start on Father's Day weekend, which is our weekend. She didn't ask whether this was okay, she just did it. I'm sure we won't get a different weekend in exchange. This is not the first time she has scheduled something with the kids on Father's Day. If we ever scheduled something on Mother's Day, she would raise hell.

These incidents illustrate behavior that is nasty and vindictive for no good reason. H is an extremely laid-back man who is kind, thoughtful, logical to a fault, and who would do anything for his kids. I have never heard him or his family say a single negative thing about uBPDmom in front of the kids, and I have never said anything bad about her in front of them either. H does not pick fights with her, and in fact, he often doesn't even respond to her when she is being nasty to him. The kids have a long list of chores to do at her house all the time (H has seen the list, which is posted in her garage). Until about a year ago, the only activities the kids did were those that she was also involved with (she's still involved, but now they also do something through school that doesn't involve parents). They didn't hang out with friends outside of school until recently, and even now, it's rare. SS17 has a girlfriend and uBPDmom seems to be super involved with their relationship (invited the parents over for dinner right away, snuck out to the dance to take pictures of them paparazzi-style). She refuses to pick them up at the end of our weekend (as the custody schedule dictates) and if the kids need something from our house, she refuses to bring them over to get it. She was cordial to me when H and I started dating but turned against me after SS14 gave me a Mother's Day gift the year after we got married.

I know that this will seem like conjecture, and maybe it is, but based on what I have seen and heard about her behavior, and based on how the kids act, it really seems like she wants to be the only parent in their lives, and that she gets validation out of being Super Mom (she gets lots of kudos on social media for how wonderful she is as a mother). We think that she puts a lot of pressure on the kids to uphold that image of her, and SS17 takes it to heart. He goes running to her every time he needs something non-monetary, and they appear to have a pretty co-dependent relationship. SS14 shows signs of starting to see through it, including making comments about how she will "kill him" for some minor infraction or even something that's fine but she just doesn't like it. Some of this could be due to the nature of teenagers, but you'll have to trust me when I say that a lot of weird/awful behavior over the years adds up to an unhealthy dynamic between her and the kids. Because she seems to have brainwashed the kids into believing that their father can't do anything right and that I'm evil, we don't have much outward influence over them. We try to model good behavior, show up for the activities we're allowed to (she told H he was unwelcome at scout meetings, etc., because they're her things, and she wouldn't support any regular activities he wanted, like music lessons), and schedule our own fun activities with the kids, but sometimes it just doesn't feel like enough. Therapy is out of the question, as uBPDmom wouldn't allow it, and both parents are required to sign on for something like that. Calling her out on custody violations would be so expensive and not worth the drama. FWIW, aside from SS17's occasional drama, things are actually quite good between us and the kids. SS14 has always been quite sweet to me; SS17 got upset with me (again, reason unknown) around the same time that his mom turned against me, but otherwise we have a good relationship. The kids go fishing, camping, and skiing with H (I join in sometimes), and SS14 is helping us plan our summer vacation for next year. H is a great father, and although I've had my missteps, I try so hard to always be a good parent and to show the kids that I care about them a whole lot.

So, I'm hoping that other people have some ideas for how we can try to minimize the long-term effects of uBPDmom's issues on the kids and maintain a healthy relationship with them. At this point, maybe there's not a whole lot we can do, because parenting teens is mostly about being in the background anyway. However, we worry that SS17 is on his way to developing BPD/NPD (for reasons that would take a whole other post to describe), and since we can't get him into therapy, there might not be a way to help him until he's ready to take it on himself.
Thanks for reading my long post! 

[ForeverDad]

uBPDmom just scheduled their summer trip to start on Father's Day weekend, which is our weekend. She didn't ask whether this was okay, she just did it. I'm sure we won't get a different weekend in exchange. This is not the first time she has scheduled something with the kids on Father's Day. If we ever scheduled something on Mother's Day, she would raise hell.

He can write a response saying No.  Politely but firmly.  Courts value very highly the holiday schedules.  Mom saying Dad can't have Father's Day - and his weekend too! - is like a snub.  This is the order of importance:  (1) holidays, (2) vacations, (3) the regular schedule.  In other words, her vacation or whatever plans can't trump his holiday.  Not unless he lets it happen.

However, it's unlikely he can do anything about it in court until she actually violates the holiday schedule, that is, next June.  Of course he would have to respond in some form of writing informing her he is not giving up his weekend or Father's Day.  No waffling or weakness, just a simple "No, it's my holiday, period".  For all H knows, if he stands firm on that Boundary, she might cave, even if it's at the last minute.  Of course, since he has given in during past years, she probably won't believe he will stand up for himself this time.  Is your husband willing to take his Boundary to court to get it enforced?  (If he has a lawyer, he should inquire about the legal aspects and procedures in case she ignores his refusal.)

This is a simple battle he ought to be able to win if it goes to court.  But he has to follow the order as closely as he can.  If the order requires written advance notice for vacations, etc, then he needs to comply with all the aspects.

So... .what will he choose to do?  The popular wisdom here is, Choose your battles... .which can be won?  We can't fight every battle.  What battles will he choose?  They should of course include ones important to him.