For someone who hates me so much why does he contact me? When will it end?

[Getoverit]

I still don’t understand something. Any thoughts and/or attempts to explain would be appreciated.

The relationship is over. We haven’t seen each other in a year.

Why does he call just to be hostile with me? He calls and is mean and then hangs up in a huff. Of course angry texts follow.

I answer the phone because I’ll be feeling okay and healthy enough to feel like I can handle him without reacting. This hasn’t worked and I get very affected.

For someone who hates me so much why does he contact me? When will it end?

[Mutt]

Hi Getoverit,

For someone who hates me so much why does he contact me? When will it end?

It doesn't make any sense in logical terms if someone is over you then they're over you but BPD is an attachment disorder and pwBPD cannot self sooth or self regulate, a pwBPD do not completely detach also he's looking for soothing.

I answer the phone because I’ll be feeling okay and healthy enough to feel like I can handle him without reacting. This hasn’t worked and I get very affected.

I completely understand how distressing these interactions are. Moving forward have you thought about a different strategy?

[Getoverit]

Hi Mutt, Thank you for replying.

I have no choice but to be very cold and block him entirely I’m order to cut him out of my life. Every time he calls with his belittling comments and abusive language I feel sick. He has been like a terrible storm getting increasingly hostile. And he makes things up demanding that I “sit and listen for once”. I cannot challenge him in any way and then later he uses the fact that I did not say anything to correct him as a basis for my admission to “the facts”.

I cannot survive this kind of relationship and it’s time I put an end to it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Getoverit, I suspect he's trying to off-load negative feelings onto you.  Those w/BPD are experts at blame-shifting, in my view, because it gets things off their plate and onto yours.  I have a saying: "poison is harmless if you don't ingest it."  In other words, don't take on his unkind comments.  You could also decline his calls and let them go to voicemail.

LuckyJim

[Getoverit]

Hi Luckyjim,

Thank you for your comment. I don’t know what he accomplishes by speaking in such a crude manner, reminding the both of us that he is still holding grudges, and worst of all he’s not even accurate in his accounts of what happened. He cuts and pastes, totally makes up things, etc.

He leaves voicemails that I now immediately delete.

I’ve asked him numerous times if he’d like me to not answer, change my number, etc. and he never answers my questions. It’s like he wants to keep me in his back pocket to have something to clean crap off his shoe.

I’ve finally admitted to myself that I’m not the love of his life. I don’t come close to it. What I am is another notch in his belt, another person responsible for why bad things happen to him.

[Mutt]

Thank you for your comment. I don’t know what he accomplishes by speaking in such a crude manner, reminding the both of us that he is still holding grudges, and worst of all he’s not even accurate in his accounts of what happened. He cuts and pastes, totally makes up things, etc.

It's the nature of the disorder he cuts and pastes things because of the negative feelings that he feels and even if you agreed that his version is correct it will change again remember that BPD is an emotional dysregulation disorder.
He leaves voicemails that I now immediately delete.

I’ve asked him numerous times if he’d like me to not answer, change my number, etc. and he never answers my questions. It’s like he wants to keep me in his back pocket to have something to clean crap off his shoe.

Self protect don't leave it up to the one that's mentally ill to respect your boundaries, you can't control someone else you can only control yourself, a boundary is like an invisible outward layer that protects you from harm in simple terms, if he does X I respond with Y, so in this case you delete the messages when he leaves the voicemails, I know that it's frustrating to do this but this will die down one day it won't stay like this forever.

[zachira]

People with BPD have to have someone to blame and project their feelings of self hatred onto. The closer you have been to them, the more likely they are to treat you with the utmost  contempt when things turn south. Look at all the high conflict divorces where the spouse with BPD suddenly turns on a spouse and makes unfounded accusations of child abuse, domestic violence, etc., Your ex definitely still has feelings for you. If he didn't, he would just move on, and leave you alone. It will end when he finds someone else to dump his negative feelings on.

[Lucky Jim]

Thank you for your comment. I don’t know what he accomplishes by speaking in such a crude manner, reminding the both of us that he is still holding grudges, and worst of all he’s not even accurate in his accounts of what happened. He cuts and pastes, totally makes up things, etc.

Hey Getoverit, He does accomplish something: getting you to engage with him.  If he can throw in crude language and inaccurate versions of past events, so much the better.  As zachira and Mutt note, it's all about projecting his inner turmoil onto you.

My suggestion: don't engage.

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi Getoverit,

Just to give you an example in the future and my exuBPDw is not a representation of BPD everyone that has BPD has a different personality and different trait variants of the disorder BPD is spectrum disorder, I've been seperated for almost 6 years now and it was intense for the first year or so but like zachira said she was starting to split her bf black so that meant that she was giving me less attention.

I was off the hook for the lack of better words. For almost 5 years it was relatively quiet from her end until last year when she got wind that I have a gf then she started giving me a hard time - she wants full custody of the kids, blame shifting etc... .She's still the same person that I knew almost 6 years ago when we separated  - she gets livid, swears at me, projects her feelings etc on me but I've a lot of time to heal and recently she's started to get quiet again I think that they're recycling their r/s. The emotional immaturity is still there and the attachment as well but I have boundaries on myself like LuckyJim points out -disengage negative attention is still attention and it's not worth giving your attention to someone that treats you that way.

[Getoverit]

Thank you all for your replies. I wish I had never met him. I feel like he’s a cancer that has spread and he won’t stop until I’m dead.

[MeandThee29]

I asked my therapist when it would end, and she LAUGHED.

Oh well. Mine sends me a romantic Christmas card. Same day I got it he pings me via text on a financial issue out of my control from months ago. No "how are you?" or "sorry to trouble you, but this needs to be handled." Just, "this is wrong, send me a check." Previous text a few weeks ago was about staying out of his business. He had asked my preferences on a financial issue, and I pointed out that one option was good for both of us. I was just trying to be collaborative, really.

The dissonance is really something, even from a distance.

Friday I had dinner with a group of female friends. Friends who are pretty much the same every time. One might be a little more tired, and one might be a little more silly. But they're even and loving no matter what. The highlight of the holiday season so far for me. What a contrast to his changing moods.

[Getoverit]

My therapist had the same reaction. She also has told me in every session that I need to completely make myself unavailable and unreachable.

I used to worry that he wouldn’t be okay without me because that’s what he’d say. But, like every thing he says nothing is reliable and truly up to (his) interpretation. This is how he rewrites conversations and incidences and imbues the meaning of the moment in convoluted rants.

I never buy them because I know what I heard, I know what the truth is (e.g. he told me I wasn’t  pregnant when I was—and this is the same day he saw the ultrasound), I’m not the one who needs to make excuses.

It was hard for me to accept that he had been seeing other women and pursuing others in addition to those women the entire time we were together. After this discovery, all the seemingly random accusations he’d make made sense.

Guilty conscience? No, that’s too reasonable. He’s a sadistic man who knows exactly what he’s doing. It took me some time but I now know.

[MeandThee29]

My therapist had the same reaction. She also has told me in every session that I need to completely make myself unavailable and unreachable.

Guilty conscience? No, that’s too reasonable. He’s a sadistic man who knows exactly what he’s doing. It took me some time but I now know.

Sadly, I'm still somewhat financially dependent on mine, so I have to be there in a minimal way. No relationship discussions though, and I put a generic Christmas card in the mail. Nothing romantic.

Yes, he knows what he's doing and believes that I deserve all of this.

I asked the therapist how I would know if he was ever truly better given the history and the distance. She said if he completely stopped egging me and was willing to finance my lifestyle to be equivalent to his. LOL.

[empath]

I asked the therapist how I would know if he was ever truly better given the history and the distance. She said if he completely stopped egging me and was willing to finance my lifestyle to be equivalent to his. LOL.

LOL. Mine, too. We had a big family celebration at a restaurant recently, and h decided that he would pay the bill for our immediate family. It was more than he normally gives me for a full month of groceries, gas, etc.

My h calls me to complain about how awful other people are.

[MeandThee29]

LOL. Mine, too. We had a big family celebration at a restaurant recently, and h decided that he would pay the bill for our immediate family. It was more than he normally gives me for a full month of groceries, gas, etc.

That's a sore spot I've had to work through.

When mine entertains his family in his fancy rental house, he treats them to dinners out and cooks them meals I haven't cooked since he left because I can't afford it. One description via email hit me when we were having lentils with a few chicken thighs and chopped carrots thrown in for dinner because it was the end of the month. He gives out $100 tips and roses to waitresses and has handed out money to random people at times. All when I'm driving the thermostat down as low as we can to afford the heat and very rarely even go through the drive-thru because I just can't afford it.

The fact that he tells me these things is sick. He's telling me that I'm missing out on a wonderful person. Yes, on the surface, but behind closed doors, it's walking on eggshells and hoping that I don't offend him. Which of course, I always do eventually.

[empath]

I've found that the less that I engage, the less drama comes at me. I don't give him any ammunition; I've become a grey rock to him and am not that interesting.

[Cromwell]

I've found that the less that I engage, the less drama comes at me. I don't give him any ammunition; I've become a grey rock to him and am not that interesting.

I wanted to add this point in to the original question - the continuance of drama requires a fuel source as much as it does an igniter. Take ourselves away, theres a loss of an audience for the acting out, the game play, no more willing audience. With the drama, they get the buzz, we get the emotional drain, they win each time, get 'refreshed' from dumping it on us, until it gets loaded back up, then if we are gone there is a desperate unrelenting search party to find us back to dish it out again. You can perceive it that way or you can perceive each time they contact as "missing us"

it is missing the opportunity to soothe as I agree with Mutt.

so yes, its possible even likely, to be both hated and wanted at the same time. "wanted" for all the wrong reasons.