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Author Topic: such a shock to me that I'm having panic attacks, and I'm feeling hurt pt.2  (Read 662 times)
love4meNOTu
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« Reply #30 on: January 01, 2019, 07:53:15 PM »

Hi again! I had hoped things would calm down between you and your ex during the holidays. I'm sorry things are worse.

Have you considered backing off completely and waiting for her to reach out to you? I know you said that you have been dating for just a few months... .but you seem really affected by the end of this relationship which makes me wonder if you don't have a very good support system in place? Do you have a good friend that can give you some perspective with this painful breakup and a shoulder to lean on? I wonder if that would help the anxiety... Because something besides this breakup maybe is triggering you?

Breaking up hurts... Recently skip posted about loving, and how one had to be vulnerable to love and accept love in return.

Despite how it hurts now that your ex has chosen to end the relationship, give yourself a pat on the back for being brave and vulnerable and willing to risk the hurt. It's a brave action to accept the end, and steel yourself to try again when another comes along.

Warmly,

L

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« Reply #31 on: January 02, 2019, 12:31:04 PM »

Have you considered backing off completely and waiting for her to reach out to you? I know you said that you have been dating for just a few months... .but you seem really affected by the end of this relationship which makes me wonder if you don't have a very good support system in place? Do you have a good friend that can give you some perspective with this painful breakup and a shoulder to lean on? I wonder if that would help the anxiety... Because something besides this breakup maybe is triggering you?

Breaking up hurts... Recently skip posted about loving, and how one had to be vulnerable to love and accept love in return.

In regard to backing off, I haven't attempted contact with her since the 24th December, I didn't respond to her last message, telling me that she "needed time".

I feel as if the 'split' only occurred recently, it hasn't been weeks and weeks or months, and I am still finding it difficult, due to the intensity and the time spent together, which was pretty much every single day. While I'm upset about that coming to an end, I'm also fearful and anxious about having to be around her in a few weeks, which is what is causing a lot of this anxiety, and not the break up itself.

What also is causing issues is her previous inconsistency - when I look back at the notes in my journal, there have been times when she has ignored messages, ignored me in the flesh, told me in no uncertain terms that it's 'over' and been very harsh and angry with me - only to come full circle and become involved with me. Whether she'll do that again, I don't know. Especially as now, I became firm and direct with her about things she had done which have hurt me.  

Having seen that pattern from her before, it is somewhat leading my mind into thinking that it is a possibility. With other exes, I have not assumed that they'd come back, as it hasn't been a pattern of theirs. It has been with her, so I am finding it hard to view this as final. That, as well as seeing her, sharing a close mutual friend with her, having to see her three days a week in a very small close-knit environment, and worrying about whether she'll talk to me or ignore me, and how that will impact my moving on, is mostly what the anxiety is about.

If I didn't have to see her again, I feel a lot more confident that this would be slightly easier. I have not been in this situation before, and it is difficult. The anxiety and worries I feel are not solely related to this person breaking up with me.
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« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2019, 12:37:15 PM »

As far as contact, he has send me a message, to which I haven't responded yet. He wants to stay friends. I  don't want that. I am planning on sending him an email explaining this to him, and the reason why I don't want it.

You are saying ideally you'd like to be with her. Is that, even knowing that she's not able to give you what your require ? Because it's 1 package as you know ... .

Being in the same class will obviously be difficult. For me overcoming heartbreak requires no contact. Do you think for you it is possible to stay in contact and still heal ? I think this is a very important question to ask yourself.
If the answer is no ... is it possible to work around this ? To be in another class ?


Thank you for replying, I really appreciate it.

What do you think you'll say to him in your email? It can be difficult to stay friends, I agree. It's tempting to, but it isn't always the best thing for us.

I am with you in that for me, I require strict no contact to get over someone. I don't know how I will be able to hear her voice, see her walking around, see her smiling and talking to others, be in her presence (whether LC or not) and successfully move on. Just looking at a photograph of her is triggering (as with any ex), so I have no idea how this will work.

Part of me hopes that when she sees ME in the flesh that she'll want to come back to me, and experience those same feelings. The class we're in is very small and almost like a family - it's quite strange, but everyone gets on, and her and I seemed to share a lovely bond.

It's not possible for me to move to another class, no. There's only one group that is studying what we study, and the only alternative is to leave the degree completely, which I can't do.
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« Reply #33 on: January 08, 2019, 12:10:52 PM »

how you holding up? any update?
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« Reply #34 on: January 08, 2019, 10:09:00 PM »

how you holding up? any update?

Hello, thank you so much for checking in with me.

Around three or so days ago, I emailed her. Very short, lighthearted email, which said something along the lines of apologising for how things went between us, and suggesting that if possible, I'd like to try and be friends, and asking how her Christmas was. Tried to keep it as short and non-heavy as possible.

There hasn't been a response, so far. This is to her university email address, so I'm aware that there's a small possibility she hasn't seen it, and I know she was away at that time so she may have seen it but just didn't reply at the time. Or, she saw it and has decided she doesn't want to talk to me, again.

I do feel quite upset that she hasn't responded. I haven't attempted further contact with her.

I of course am now sure that she won't speak to me when I see her at university next week, which I think may be quite emotionally difficult for me. I'm trying to deal with the feelings of knowing that she may just not want anything to do with me, and that has been very difficult.

If it wasn't for us being at university together, I wouldn't have attempted contact and I think that I could focus on moving forward MORE, if that makes sense. I feel as if I have to wait to see how she is with me before I move on. I feel trapped, in a way. In a kind of limbo. I don't know if that makes sense.

She uploaded a video to YouTube, a sort of 'fun' video where she'd recorded herself dancing to a recent song - this was recorded in an area that I know her 'best friend' lives in, a guy. I know she has a tendency to send time with him and sometimes sleep with him, so I'm aware that she may have done so, again. I know that they are not together or dating, but I know that she does 'use' him for sex, sometimes. That was quite difficult to see, knowing that.

My general mood is quite low, and I'm struggling with sleep and eating routines, still. I'm sure things will rectify themselves soon, but I feel very drained.
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« Reply #35 on: January 09, 2019, 09:22:46 AM »

I am so, so sorry. You are right, things will get better.

For now though, we need to get you through this.

You told her you would like to stay friends. 

At the same time, you are saying that staying friends is something you would prefer not to do, if you were not going to be in the same class.

Is there some inconsistency here, or am I missing something ?

You will be in the same class. You will see each other regularly. Which is something you would prefer not to go through. Wouldn't it be better to just be formal / civil with each other while being in the same class ? Not being friends ?

What would you like to obtain by being friends ? Would you think you will make it more difficult for yourself ?
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clvrnn
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« Reply #36 on: January 09, 2019, 11:51:49 AM »

I am so, so sorry. You are right, things will get better.

For now though, we need to get you through this.

You told her you would like to stay friends. 

At the same time, you are saying that staying friends is something you would prefer not to do, if you were not going to be in the same class.

Is there some inconsistency here, or am I missing something ?

You will be in the same class. You will see each other regularly. Which is something you would prefer not to go through. Wouldn't it be better to just be formal / civil with each other while being in the same class ? Not being friends ?

What would you like to obtain by being friends ? Would you think you will make it more difficult for yourself ?

Thank you for replying - these replies are truly helping me through what is emotionally a difficult period. Thank you.

I feel very conflicted, which is why it may look inconsistent - I guess I think that I'd just like to be with her again, and that 'friends' may be not what I really want, but it seems like the only viable option.

In all honesty, there doesn't seem to be a situation that will not cause difficulty. I also feel as if it isn't up to me. I sent the email and she didn't reply, and I have no idea what she'll do. I sent the email and there was no response so now I feel as if I can't go up to her, because I already initiated contact with her.

I think though, if we were to stay friends, it would be difficult as it would be with any ex - but with her it may be particularly difficult. She can be inconsistent, often ignores people, is often blunt and I feel as if that wouldn't be fun. Two people (who don't know each other) have both expressed to me how difficult they've found it to be friends with her, taking an active step to back away from her. And they are merely platonic relationships! So I don't know if friends would be a good idea, either.

The formal/civil thing - hmm. She doesn't seem to possess the ability to do that. It has always seemed to be 'all or nothing' with her - either talk to me all the time or ignore me. I think that would be difficult, yes. But I also recognise that I don't have many options, as of now. Things may change, I don't know. I can't see how they would.

I also still feel 'upset', in that I miss her and want to be with her. So, a lot of what I'm feeling is just based on wanting her around again. It's just such a difficult situation and I have no idea what to do.
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« Reply #37 on: January 09, 2019, 12:22:18 PM »

i think regardless of whether she responds, it was a good message to send, if youre going to be in the same class. its going to be awkward, but it might have reduced some of that, and maybe she will come around when that happens.

i think within that context, youll have some space and time to decide whether or not you want to be friends, or just pleasant/get along, cause obviously things wouldnt go back to "normal" right away, and it could be that you decide you dont want them to.

what do you think?
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« Reply #38 on: January 09, 2019, 04:17:45 PM »

Excerpt
I feel very conflicted, which is why it may look inconsistent 

I understand ! In difficult emotional times we sometimes feel like that. I also have that. At the moment I am seeing a therapist who's teaching me to see 'what am I feeling' vs 'what am I thinking'.

I will try to apply it to your situation... .Not sure if it will be correct because I am a slow learner here, as I am someone who never really learned how to feel.

So it may be (or not) :

My *feeling* is telling me I still love this person and I still want to be with her.
Or : my feeling is telling me that I want to be in a relationship where there is closeness and intimicy.

My *thoughts* are telling me that staying friends is a good option since we are going to be in the same class.

My *feeling* is telling me that I don't want to stay friends since this will be emotionally draining for me.

My therapist is trying to let me see that in the ideal situation our feelings and our heads are all taken into consideration when we take decisions. She's right of course, and I have listened to my head for way too long.



Excerpt
I also feel as if it isn't up to me. I sent the email and she didn't reply, and I have no idea what she'll do.

Can you see that this might not be  100% true ? There is actually quite a choice range  here for you. You cannot choose to continue the relationship at this point, since she ended it. That is true. You are suffering because of it, and if you are like me, you also feel a bit powerless and it makes you feel like you don't have a say in this all.

But you actually do. You have the power to continue a friendship, or not. You have send an email - this was a choice. She can decide not to answer, that's her choice. But still ... .you made yours, just by sending the mail.

You can also come back upon your choice and make a new decision, f.e. 'I do not want to be friends'. Or, only under certain conditions.

You have a lot more power than you might think.
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« Reply #39 on: January 09, 2019, 05:53:35 PM »

i think regardless of whether she responds, it was a good message to send, if you're going to be in the same class. its going to be awkward, but it might have reduced some of that, and maybe she will come around when that happens.

I don't know, now. It will be quite awkward, as we'd spend all of our time together and had developed not only a relationship, but a friendship. We only spent time with each other, and at this stage in the course, everyone has very strong friendship groups. It would look odd for ANYONE, not just her, to suddenly break away from a friend/join another group. It's not impossible, though.

Perhaps this isn't as big a deal to her as it is to me, I don't know. I can't see who else within the class she would talk to, as her and I were very close and... .yeah. I recognise that she is her own person, and may come back to uni and just sit elsewhere, which is completely her right.

Perhaps I'm just overthinking everything. I suppose I am just curious to see what happens, really. Perhaps I am thinking about this a lot because of the previous time where I was ignored for four months, and then immediately before uni began she contacted me, and we became close again (this was after the first time she bluntly broke things off - I didn't think I'd hear from her again).

I must be honest and say that this situation inspires a lot of confusion within me, and I don't know why. She has always been inconsistent, and from what I know, this is intermittent reinforcement of a sort - I find that I'm probably hoping she'll be 'nice' towards me, again.

I of course cannot control what she does, and perhaps she isn't even thinking about any of this. As for being friends, I think that even I'm unsure of what I'd want to do, in that respect.
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« Reply #40 on: January 11, 2019, 03:18:54 PM »

Staff only This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. You are invited to continue the discussion on a new thread. Thanks for your participation.
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If you are still in coping with acute anxiety and the immediate wounds of breaking up, please post on Relationship Ended - Break-up Crises
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