I need to stop false allegations before they drive me crazy.

[Newyoungfather]

Merry Christmas Everyone,
It's been awhile since my last post but things are going south really fast.  I am constantly harassed with false allegations of abuse or that I am engaging in criminal conduct.  I have set boundaries to emails but those are broken by my exUBPD blowing up my phone.  I feel myself lately becoming more stress out about the allegations (most of them are in writing) about false abuse.  Has anyone ever pursued civil penalties outside of child custody for these matters.  My exUBPD is fabricating anything and everything to try to get my son away from me, I really really need help on this one.

[ForeverDad]

My ex made endless allegations during our divorce and even afterward.  The last one I recall is when the court ruled in my favor when I sought custody in a Change of Circumstances motion about a year and a half after the divorce was final.  In the decision they noted in a short paragraph that she had claimed I'd choked her years before.  No one even asked me.  I have assumed it was included so no one could claim they weren't thorough.

Other than that time, all her allegations were of child abuse, they started out mild and progressively got more extreme.  She even contested my vacation with my then-preschooler.  I gave her a vacation notice and she said No.  Well, it was a vacation notice, not a request.  I was smart enough to have the vacation start on my weekend.  When the weekend was over and I didn't return him, she went to the sheriff's office and demanded an Amber Alert.  The deputy wrote in the log that he told her it didn't meet the criteria for Amber Alert.  (He worded it well, hard to get mad at "criteria".  Still, she filed a complaint with the sheriff's office which didn't sit well with them, according to my lawyer.

I believe she didn't complain about DV in family court since she herself was arrested for Threat of DV when we separated.  Of course, despite her admission that she said what she said - it was recorded - court ruled she was Not Guilty.  And a few years later she got it all expunged.  I've always assumed it was because she was a woman or it was her first time in court.  I know if I had done what she did, it surely wouldn't have been so lenient with me, a man.

With my then-stbEx going to every agency possible to make allegations, I really wanted to defend myself by suing for libel or slander.  But my lawyer stopped me, he asked if I wanted to throw money away saying, "It's very hard to prove she had intent to harm you."

You may have to batten down the hatches (protect yourself) and weather out the storm.  Yes, it can take years.  Yes, courts and agencies often give default preference to women and mothers.  Yes, in case the allegations are true, the court and agencies will start out assuming the allegations could be true.  Yes, it will take a while for them to feel comfortable that you're not the problem.  Yes, she may never face direct consequences for her passively-phrased "unsubstantiated" allegations (rarely do they go so far as to call them "unfounded") but eventually she should lose some credibility.

Remember my case above seeking custody?  The decision remarked that some of her testimony was "not credible".  That's court-speak for Liar.  One of my documented reports was that she had blocked my winter break vacation by claiming she wanted to observe Kwanzaa, something neither of us had observed before.  Her explanation was that though she wasn't of Jewish descent she wanted to observe it with our son.  My lawyer had a field day with that one, he kept asking her to describe Jewish Kwanzaa until her lawyer had to ask the court to have him move on.  (It's an African-american celebration created in recent decades.  She clearly knew nothing about it except candles and confused it with a Jewish holiday.)

Whether your court or agencies will notice when your ex trips up, no one can say in advance.  Generally, they'll figure her out even if it takes many months or even years.  From separation to that court hearing was about 4 years or so.

But I survived.  So can you.  Just be street smart (don't let her rile you into losing self-control) and have solid strategies.  Don't admit to wrongs you never did.  Also, you can't be required to testify against yourself.  So never ever sign plea deals where you admit some level of wrong-doing, those can haunt you for years to come.

[kells76]

Hi again NYF,

Remind me if you have a lawyer?

And does it seem like your son's mom is making these accusations about you just to you? I.e. she's blowing up your phone with nasty texts to you, about you? Or do you think she might be making accusations about you to someone else, too?

If you do have a L, see if you can forward the emails (and maybe texts) to him/her, for documentation. And like FD said, don't put yourself in any kind of position where your interaction with her accusation could make it sound like you "did something": for example, she's like "NYF, you beat Son with a belt yesterday, I know it, I have pictures" or whatever. It's probably not a good idea to say "I didn't beat him, I just gave him a little spanking with my hand because he bit me". Probably a better idea, if you're going to say anything, to send one text saying "This is completely false and I will not respond to any more accusations". Run that by a L first, though.

Or, don't respond to any accusation at all. Again if she's like "NYF, you're so abusive, you hit Son in the face, I have proof, pick him up at 3pm at school, you're a monster", you can consider replying "I'll pick him up at 3" and nothing else.

If you do have a L, and you can forward these texts and emails, your L can let you know if anything rises to the level of civil penalties.

Ultimately, though, I'm with FD -- she's going to do her crazy thing, bothering you with all kinds of really personal attacks, and it's your job to stay strong for your son and build a filter where you interact only with statements about kid logistics. If you don't have a L, but want more support with her barrage of communication, see if you can think of a friend who could filter through her messages and let you know if anything needs attention.

Hang in there, NYF --  kudos to you for reaching out for support.

[Nope]

If the attacks are ongoing and the accusations are different from each other, I would say to just ignore. Especially anything that comes to your phone. Flat out ignore. If it goes to your email, just fire back a quick response of "That isn't true." And then if the email gas anything to do with actual parenting, like asking what time you'll be picking up for example, simply respond to that. Eventually if she gets zero response at all to anything she sends via text and you flat out don't answer the phone, but at least gets a tiny bit of response from email, you'll essentially teach her that email is the only communication that works to get her any attention.

She's making these accusations because she knows it drives you nuts and it gets her your attention. You only need to deal with accusations she brings to a third party. Just keep a big folder with evidence of all the accusations so that you can show a third party that she's always accusing you of something. You can't stop her behavior, you can only control how you respond to it.

[Newyoungfather]

Yup, I do have a lawyer and he basically told me the same thing, a court order will not stop the crazy behavior and accusations.  She has gotten a bogus PFA on me in the past and when I say bogus I mean like unreal and false allegations.  I have filtered the nasty emails out however she now resorts to inciting me during custody exchanges, this is the only time I see her.  In the future I am going to attempt to change pick ups that we don't have to meet, example, she drops him off at daycare and I pick him up.  By far the toughest thing in life I have ever had to deal with co-paretning with a BPD/npd, they are very unreasonable and very spiteful.

[Newyoungfather]

One more thing to add and to answer your question.  Yes I believe she makes the false allegations to her family and friends, she even told me that her "community" gives her money to fight me in court since I'm such a "bad" father.

[kells76]

In the future I am going to attempt to change pick ups that we don't have to meet

Great idea; good problem solving there.

In fact, do any of her crazy accusations have to do with her being "afraid of you"? She would really be in a double bind if she then contested switching pickups. If I remember correctly, David used a similar situation to his advantage.

Do you think you'll have to use legal leverage to make the pickup switch happen? Or does she have a "currency" you can tap into, where she "feels like she's winning" with pickups/dropoffs at daycare? I.e. if she loves having a vision of herself as "poor single mom makin' it in the world" or whatever, maybe there's something about that "vision" that would entice her to drop off at daycare (getting an audience for being MOTY, etc). Food for thought.

she even told me that her "community" gives her money to fight me in court since I'm such a "bad" father.

Wow... .that's quite the statement. Everybody loves HER, not you! (eyerolls)

Just remember, though... .she says all kinds of things that you already know aren't true (the accusations). Maybe her perception or belief is that "everyone gives her money to fight you", but who knows whether that's actually true or not.

I'm sure that the kids' mom hasn't stopped subtlely denigrating DH to her groupies and family. Unless and until any of them actually act on it (confronting him, saying something false to us, etc), it's just bothersome noise in the background -- it's just who she is and who they are. If any of them are interested in our side of things, it's kind of on them to initiate. If not, then it's just sad that they buy in to Mom's tales. And there it stays.

[david]

I was in court for the second of three protection orders ex filed against me. I was having an issue getting our boys school bags when I picked them up at her place even though they were overnight with me. I suggested that I pick the boys up at their school instead of ex's place since she was afraid of me. The judge loved the idea and asked ex what she thought. She is smart enough to realize she had no choice but to agree. I insisted my attorney get it in writing right then and there. My attorney wrote the order up and gave it to the judge. He looked it over and gave it to ex to look over. She agreed. The judge had both of us sign it and then he signed it. It was handwritten. It cost $75.00 to have it typed out so I took the handwritten copy with me.
The next day I went to pick the boys up at school and was told by the person at the front desk that I am not allowed to pick them up without their moms expressed written consent. I handed them a copy of the order. They questioned it because it was not typed out. I told them I could get them a types copy but they would have to give me $75.00. I told them to fax it to their legal dept. Around 15 minutes later I was walking out with our boys. Ex was furious but there was nothing she could do except send me a nasty email.
I learned to not argue with ex and instead find solutions to her crazy rants and accusations. After she "lost" several times the crazy lessened a bit. I do not believe it will ever completely go away but I am used to it now. My situation started in 2007. Our youngest is 15 so I still have to communicate with her. Email only.
I also purchased a video camera, after she had me arrested, and turn it on whenever she comes near me. She has stopped coming near me. It took some time for her to change that behavior.

[40days_in_desert]

Like most here my ex made many false accusations which ramped up and became more fantastical after we separated and went through the divorce process. I ended up ignoring the false accusations shortly after separating until my L advised me that I should simply reply with "That is not true." I believe that advice is in the book "Splitting" as well. No response might be interpreted as an admission of guilt in certain scenarios. Not likely but might as well eliminate as much doubt as possible.

[david]

Originally, my ex's false allegations drove me crazy. I was still emotionally attached in ways. It took me a few years to distance myself emotionally enough to not let it bother me as much. I even questioned myself and wondered if I was not seeing things correctly. My ex sounded very convincing to me when we first separated. Eventually I realized she was spinning tales and I wasn't the person she was portraying me as. I believe she was very good at gas lighting me. Funny thing is she mentioned a movie called gas lighting, when we were together, which I never saw. When I did see it I realized she knew she had a problem but would not face the truth.
Just this last Mothers Day she told our two boys that I was the number two distributor of marijuana
 in the city of Phila.and that I grew it in a city park. They laughed at her and she got very angry. She insisted she was recently told this by my mother. My mother passed away several years ago and she knows that. I guess she has the sixth sense  .

[Waddams]

I am constantly harassed with false allegations of abuse or that I am engaging in criminal conduct.  I have set boundaries to emails but those are broken by my exUBPD blowing up my phone.  I feel myself lately becoming more stress out about the allegations (most of them are in writing) about false abuse.

a lot of people that leave a pwPD go through this.  not saying to minimize, saying it to say a lot of people have learned how to "turn the volume" down that the pwPD is creating in your head instead.

Yup, I do have a lawyer and he basically told me the same thing, a court order will not stop the crazy behavior and accusations.  She has gotten a bogus PFA on me in the past and when I say bogus I mean like unreal and false allegations.  I have filtered the nasty emails out however she now resorts to inciting me during custody exchanges, this is the only time I see her.  In the future I am going to attempt to change pick ups that we don't have to meet, example, she drops him off at daycare and I pick him up.  

he's right.  even when you do get a court order for them to stop, they usually only stop temporarily, or they change tactics to skirt the order, or out and out ignore it.  he's telling you it's more effective to figure out your own strategies to erect boundaries for yourself than to try to get the court to stop her.

changing your behavior and routine so her opportunities to incite an incident are eliminated, as you are doing, is a very good start.  other things you can do - block her email, phone, texts, etc.  and establish a separate email.  tell her that is the only one that isn't blocked, she has to go to that one.  or open an account with a service like "Our Family Wizard" and only communicate with her through it. and do not respond to her when she sends abusive messages.  just be silent.  don't JADE, don't engage.  no response means there's nothing that can be used against you, twisted to look like you're the problem or being escalatory.

Yes I believe she makes the false allegations to her family and friends, she even told me that her "community" gives her money to fight me in court since I'm such a "bad" father.

of course she says things like that to you. she may or may not be really spreading her lies. just remember, if her lips are moving, she's lying, so why give credence to what she says, or what her "community" thinks?  pwPD's will make themselves the victim so they don't have to be accountable. they will climb up on their crosses, for the express purpose of keeping their army of flying monkeys (that is the people that buy into the lies) fully under the sway of manipulation.  let her do it.  let her "community" give her all the money they want.  don't react, don't respond, don't JADE, don't do anything.  i learned to call it "grey rock" - be as interesting to her as a grey rock.  be unemotional, non-responsive, etc.  give her no engagement, no pay off.

if it comes to more court drama, then you just show you have done nothing, you haven't responded, and she's basically continuing all the problems all the while you are basically a human version of a grey rock in the situation.  it becomes very obvious who the aggressor is when you let them show themselves.  at that point, then you ask the judge "if she's legit, and i'm this awful abuser, then why the heck is she still trying to be so involved with me?  if she was as scared as she claims, she wouldn't be acting like she is now."  it's awful hard to argue that someone is dangerous to you when they have literally done and said zip.  let her show who she really is, and the truth will come out.

it's an extreme example to illustrate the point but i once saw in a restaurant this woman got up, went to another table, and started yelling at this guy.  he was her abusive, horrible ex-, as she exclaimed.  she was so scared of him, he was so awful, yadda, yadda.  he simply said she could go back to her spot, and he'd stay in his.  the scene kept happening, she wouldn't leave him alone.  he kept his composure, didn't say another word to her.  just ignored her.  he got up to leave, and she started following him, yelling and what not, and still going with the she was so scared act.  it was actually another woman that finally stood up and asked her if she was so scared why was she insisting on staying close to him?  if he were so likely to hurt her, if she were genuine, she'd be leaving, trying not to be seen, etc.  she got confronted with the fact she wasn't acting scared, she wasn't really scared, and she was jsut not believable.  at this point the manager finally tossed her out, to everyone else's applause.  the guy she was yelling at and about never said a word for himself.  he did nothing.  she did all the work to out herself because he let her.  you need to do the same thing in this situation.  let her do the work to out herself and the truth.

just be a good dad to your son, and otherwise live your life.  her lies and drama only have the power over you that you give to it.  stop giving her free rent in your head.  develop the composure to control yourself and just plain ignore her and not respond anymore.

[ForeverDad]

The responses here are so helpful.  As Waddams expressed it so well, be the quiet but immovable "grey rock" to her irresistible force.  Sadly, this will protect you from only one angle of attack, her unsupported claims that you're a danger to her.  She may redouble her efforts to claim you're a danger to your child though endangerment, neglect or abuse.  But over time she ought to be seen as less credible — and you as more credible — to the court, associated professionals and agencies.

[Newyoungfather]

Familywizzard is on the radar that my L and me are striving to ask the judge for.  ExBPD has been in contempt 1, 2 special relief petitions have been filed as well with 3 custody modifications, each time I got what I wanted.  I don't have 50/50 custody however I spend the most time with my son.  Custody in my state is determined by overnights not parenting time and I pay child support as if I am an absent father. 
I am thinking about buying a body camera and filming her at custody exchanges, until I can switch to picking him up at daycare.
ExBPD knows how to hurt me and that is through my son, either telling him I am bad person or using alienation techniques.  She knows how to hurt me and IMHO I will have to deal with this throughout my entire life.
I started a new email address a few months ago because I would get bombarded with nasty emails and they would ruin my day, now with the new email account the nasty email still exist but I strictly answer the questions that I legally have to outlined in the court order. When I inform her that I would like to follow the guidelines of the court order when answering questions, the court order that we both agreed on mutually and not through a trial by judge, she goes 110% crazy, all which are documented in emails.
I am doing my best to coparent with a BPD but sometimes it drives me nuts and I appreciate the help from this board because I always feel better knowing someone

[david]

I switched to parallel parenting and that helped a lot. Less communication with my ex. My ex used to try to change things and I would simply state the part of the court order that pertained to the circumstances.
Her emails used to upset me. Eventually I accepted it and I learned to let it go.
Parallel parenting was difficult in the beginning because I was concerned for our boys well being when with her. My ex started calling me for emergencies with our boys. I resisted answering the phone and she would leave a voicemail. I replied through email. I came to realize that, since 2007, there has never been a real emergency that we needed to address together. I was surprised but it did play out that way. I used to teach the boys different things when they were with me. How to take care of themselves and be more self sufficient. I think they were a little too young for what I was doing with them but I felt I needed to at the time.
Our youngest still is 50/50 with both of us. He is 15. When he is with her he wakes up on his own, makes breakfast, and gets the school bus. His mom is still sleeping when he leaves. He comes home, usually, to an empty house, does his school work (most of the time), makes himself dinner, and goes to bed at a reasonable hour. His mom comes home when he is in bed. I think the entire situation sucks big time but I don't believe the courts will do much to change things and if I went to court all the judge would do is to tell her to do a better job.
A few years back I received a call from our oldest boys school. He was ill and the nurse wanted someone to pick him up. It was his moms time and I explained that. The nurse said she called several times and left a voicemail. I told the nurse I would be there shortly. From the symptoms it appeared he had a virus of some sort. I drove him home and he went right to bed. I took his temp, etc and sent an email letting ex know. Ex is a nurse. Well she sent an email demanding me to return her son and that I was in violation of the court order. I repeated what I had previously sent. A few hours later I received a call from the police. I explained the situation and the officer completely understood. He asked me to reach out to ex again so I sent another email explaining I talked to a policeman and what I was doing. I received another email from ex. It was to her attorney and cc'd to me. She told her attorney I was in violation of the court order and she wanted to go back to court. I did not take the bait and did not reply. I never heard anything from her after that. If I did reply I believe we would have had a back and forth of emails and accomplished nothing. I don't know if her attorney talked to her. I felt very comfortable that I did nothing wrong and was looking out for our sons well being. If I went to court I would have brought all the emails and let the judge see what was going on. I honestly was looking forward to going to court because I was certain no judge would do anything to me since I did nothing wrong.
When my exs' emotions take over there is nothing I can do to help her and it is not my responsibility anyway.
I have stepsons, her kids from her first marriage. One is completely NC with her. Another has limited contact with her. I get along great with them and we get together all the time. Ex has told me it is my fault because I brainwashed them. I guess I just never figured how to brainwash her.

[Panshekay]

Our son had 22 false allegations made against him in less than 2 years.  His XDBPD had made most of those by going to mandatory reporters or had her friends make complaints. It wasn’t until the judge ordered a therapist to help with the “reunification “ of my son and young GS that things changed.  This T specialized in personality disorders. Every text (they are only allowed to text) goes through this T. One she became involved things changed for the better.

 FD has made a lot of great points. This site has been a life saver, lots of good advice here from people who have lived through it.

  I think one of the most shocking things I found was a post on his Ex w FB page from a Therapist that their son had been seeing.  It was posted on father’s Day, it said “happy father’s day (ex W name) you are a great mother and father”  I was all over that like white on rice and took it to the T board. It amazed me how stupid and naive professionals could be. That is their job to figure things out, to look at all sides, but they didn’t. It took 5 years for them to finally see it.  Hang in there and stay strong. Document everything. Print out all the texts she sends you and if you have to video tape things for proof then do it. You have to cover all bases and watch your back.