Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
February 17, 2019, 04:28:25 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familar, Flourdust, Mutt, Only Human, Radcliff, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, formflier, itsmeSnap, Ozzie101, WTL, Purplex, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Things we can't ignore
What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship
Why We Struggle in Our Relationships
Is Your Relationship Breaking Down?
Codependency and Codependent Relationships
93
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Happy new horrid year  (Read 565 times)
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« on: December 31, 2018, 09:05:34 PM »

Hi all,
This is my first post, but have been reading for more than 4 years by now...This forum has really  helped me enormously since I found out about the Borderline disorder of my partner. Sorry for my somewhat clumsy English, it is not my native  language!

He is diagnosed, already in his early twenties, has been even hospitalized in his twenties,  now he is  in his early 50’s and doing very well in his ( highly demanding) academic profession but personal  relationships are catastrophic , no friends,  too much alcohol for self - soothing, etc. He is divorced with two kids, S19  has asperger (and perhaps other troubles too) and D 22 has at least ADD. And all the stress the challenging kids bring to his live, is poured on me - every time one of kids causes
any kind of trouble ( and yes, unfortunately there has been are plenty!), he gets extremely aggressive ( sometimes physical)  and hostile towards me.

Our 5 years relationship has been a  heaven and a  hell. Well, all of you know... luckily ( now I can say) we do not live together, so I can at least most of the time go back to my flat if things get turbulent.

And things do get turbulent. Actually I am writing this in a kind of emergency.
Today ( New Year eve ) he got very drunk, his son has caused a lot of stress lately so he has been on the edge already for some time...,well tonight he shouted to me i( in addition to the ‘ usual
stuff like how stupid I am, how poor at work,- actually I work at an global leading international company in  a management - position, how my life sucks...etc projection perhaps, but what really worries me now is this:
- he said (shouted)  that he has resigned yesterday  from the flat he lives now and wants to move in the another town and start anew( this would mean that he would not only leave me  more or less behind but also his very troubled son
- he threatened to burn himself with a cigarette
- he kept on saying how he hates his life, and how he would rather kill his Lab and afterwards himself ( rather than me taking care of the dog) ( Note the Lab has been last 3 weeks mainly at my place as has a problem with infected paw, and I have more flexible working hours, so was easier for me to go to vet ( 5 times this far), in addition my own dog and her are good buddies.

Am at his place, hie is finally asleep, and actually am not sure should I go or should I stay, especially I cannot leave the Lab behind!
I do not feel unsafe for myself though, but very worried about him  and his mental status.

Quite a horrible way to start a new year. I am soo tired.
Moved back to conflicted at members request.~ S
Logged
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #1 on: December 31, 2018, 09:44:19 PM »

Hi again,
Re- read what I wrote, sorry for the typos - I do not have access to my PC here... Anyway, I should say that my main worry at the moment is his suicidial threats today, they were plenty. He has occasionally in the past made such threats too, but the frequency and intensity was somewhat different tonight, including the threat to shoot the dog fiirst.
We live in  mid- Europe, ( he is mid Eiuropean, am frim Nordic ), and he would not get easily access to any gun here ( thank God).but naturally I am really sad, and worried and scared in any case.
Logged
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #2 on: December 31, 2018, 09:58:39 PM »

Addition - the kids are not here with us now luckily - S is out partying with his ( bad group of ) buddies, and D lives and studies in a different town, and  travelled back there already couple of days ago.
So it is only him, me and 2 dogs. I actually hope I could sneak out with the dogs and go back to my place , but he wouldprobablt  wake up.
Gosh I never thought that I would end up being like a little frightened mouse - i do not even recognize myself here. Used to be such a strong  woman.
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2018, 10:07:56 PM »

Hi Vincenta,
So sorry that you’re dealing with this right now.

Do you think he’s really serious or maybe it’s that he’s had too much to drink?

Cat
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #4 on: December 31, 2018, 10:50:44 PM »

Hi Cat,
Thanks for your reply! You are such a great supporter, I have read also about your experiences in your first marriage. Thanks for sharing those ( and to Lala). I thought I have been naive and optimistic and too trusting too, but it is not that simple at all. Thanks for taking away the shame!
And I will tell another time more.

Coming back to your question Cat, he indeed.was/is very drunk but I have never seen him such a despair really - perhaps everything incl moving to another city is just his bluff, in order to make me feel bad  ie projection, splitting etc, but this one was so intensive that I am truly worried - he talked also about crashing the car against a building (him and the poor Lab)...

I think I will sleep on the sofa here, alerted, the dogs are with him in his bedroom.





Logged
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2019, 12:38:07 AM »

Staying here alerted and tired...am worried about him.

At same time thinking about all the hate he has and terrible things he told me, like saying that him regretting ever  having  sex with his ex- wife, thus having his troubled kids.

This is so heavy stuff - how one should react? - I said that’ your kids have many good qualities and they love you’ whereas probably I should have said something like’ oh I can hear you are tired etc...’

But I am  too tired  to find always perfect words.
Also he told me  in the middle of this all him ‘ pitying’ me as I did not even manage(!)  to get a child.
- As he very well knows, I had endometriosis, had four surgeries, all kind of treatments and three miscarriages.
This all during my marriage of 15 years, and was all very sad. Then wanted to adopt but not easy in this part of the world as a source nagle woman.
When it comes to his kids, always tried to be a good adult, taking care, taking to happenings, museums etc, buying clothes etc. Always was clear that not my kids, but tried to be a good adult friend, so to say.

Thanks in advance for listening! It helps only to know that I am not the only one to struggle with this kind of (sorry) madness.
Logged
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2019, 12:47:18 AM »

Arghh, this what happens when typing with an IPhone without glasses etc, I meant to say that it is not possible or very difficult to adopt as a single person, in this country. I tried that, too.
Logged
AskingWhy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 526



« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2019, 01:40:48 AM »

Vincenta:  I am so sorry you are going through this.

You see the issues clearly, and are so kind to be compassionate about the dogs as they, like children, are innocents in the drama.

A suicide ideation has been made, as has the threat to kill a dog.

Is your SO under current psychiatric care?  Any ideations like this should be taken seriously as pwBPD sometimes carry out these threats.  Please keep the pets safe.
Logged
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2019, 05:04:48 AM »

Hi dear Asking Why,

No, unfortunately he is not attending any care  - according to him he ‘is too clever’ and able to ‘ fool’ any professional...as ‘he had so many appointments already since his childhood, so he knows how to talk and trick’.

Scary, isn’t it? Obviously he does not want to face any real problems. So hopeless I think.

Two years ago we went to a couple therapy ( surprisingly was his wish) - it helped tiny little bit for about two months. He was almost ( but only almost ) honest with some issues,  but the core problems were a taboo. The T challenged him couple of times and that’s why the whole therapy was stopped ( naturally he found other excuses).
I believe that couple therapy with is disordered SO is somewhat useless - it might work as a ‘ first aid’ for (a short) while, but does not address the core problem. E.g almost impossible to practice any ‘ normal ‘ communication skills or expecting any empathic response from a person with PD. 

Situation here now : my SO woke up, apologized - apparently him leaving this city was just a bluff etc.
I have been here awake throughout the night, worried about his state of mind and worried about the dog etc., so I was not amused and quite clearly told him so. I have to admit that I did not express myself in the most sophisticated and/or BPD tools manner, my message basically was that you a$$...e, and that I do not know  yet whether I can forgive or not.

First things first: He does not seem to be suicidal at all anymore ( but ashamed - on the other he really got the drama he probably needed...? The same old ‘ I feel bad, Vincenta must feel bad too’ kind of thing?) , I need to sleep in order to have clear mind, dogs are safe and with me. Perhaps I now have to be like Scarlet O’Hara: I will think about tomorrow.

My promise for this new year  though is that I am not going to brush anything under carpet anymore. I want to be open about the problems, and I have to analyze deeper my own behavior too.

And I am so thankful for any feedback this forum might bring.



Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2019, 11:48:52 AM »

No, unfortunately he is not attending any care  - according to him he ‘is too clever’ and able to ‘ fool’ any professional...as ‘he had so many appointments already since his childhood, so he knows how to talk and trick’.

Likely he's very good at presenting well enough so that therapists aren't able to get to the root of the problem. As you mentioned, when core issues were probed in couple's therapy, that's when he quit.

I had the same experience with my husband when we did therapy together. He did let the mask slip a few times when he became angry with the therapist and accused her of being on my side. It slightly improved our communication, but it ultimately didn't change things much. What was actually more helpful was for me to return to therapy with that psychologist and for her to tell me that he has a personality disorder.

Oddly enough, he has chosen to do therapy with another psychologist. He did a few sessions a couple of years ago with this man, but then abruptly quit. At the time, I was really hopeful that it would make a difference and I even called his therapist and told him of my suspicions that my husband has BPD. I knew that he was really good at "presenting" well and I thought it would be helpful for his therapist to know that there was lots more under the surface.

A friend who is a chaplain knows this psychologist and she doesn't think too highly about his abilities and that he does "therapy lite". But that may be just the perfect person for a pwBPD who doesn't want to be directly challenged.

I believe that couple therapy with is disordered SO is somewhat useless - it might work as a ‘ first aid’ for (a short) while, but does not address the core problem. E.g almost impossible to practice any ‘ normal ‘ communication skills or expecting any empathic response from a person with PD.

I'd agree. It is really sad and frustrating that pwBPD cannot seem to offer empathy when we need it. Maybe they are empathetic to strangers, but not to loved ones, when we are hurting.

Situation here now : my SO woke up, apologized - apparently him leaving this city was just a bluff etc.
I have been here awake throughout the night, worried about his state of mind and worried about the dog etc., so I was not amused and quite clearly told him so. I have to admit that I did not express myself in the most sophisticated and/or BPD tools manner, my message basically was that you a$$...e, and that I do not know  yet whether I can forgive or not.

Yes, it truly can be exhausting having to deal with the chaos they leave in their wake. And I think it's important to take suicide threats seriously--I dealt with that in my first marriage--and with my mother--and with a friend. It's really hard.    

My promise for this new year  though is that I am not going to brush anything under carpet anymore. I want to be open about the problems, and I have to analyze deeper my own behavior too.

You are already looking at yourself and your situation with clear eyes.    That's the first step toward making things better.



Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #10 on: January 06, 2019, 12:44:12 PM »

Now that we are a few days into the new year, how are things going, Vincenta?
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2019, 05:09:41 PM »

Hi Cat Familiar and Toughluck et al, here on this board,

Many thanks for your replies. I hope your year has started well.

Sorry for my delayed reply. To be honest I am not doing so well and feel extremely  tired. I have tried to gather my thoughts and  I think the main reason for my total exhaustion is that I am very conflicted indeed - my head and heart are against each other and this inner conflict makes me quite sad, restless and unhappy.

My head tells me that I have really tried my best ( not perfect, but my best under the circumstances).
As I stated earlier, I found this  site  already 4 years ago ( thank God) , have read several books about BPD, tried to adapt the comm tools etc - , sometimes successfully, sometimes failing,  and in addition, was also seeking counseling only for myself,  trying to find out whether I might have now e.g. co- dependent traits or any other possible disorder, making me now more prone to tolerate this kind of abuse - mental mainly but also physical couple of times during the now more than 5 years relationship.
My therapist (an elderly experienced doctor)  could not find anything especially or clinically wrong with me. But told me to  after 5 first sessions  :  ‘hon, get out from the roller coaster while you still can as it ain’t going to end in any nice place’ ( her words) .

Well. I have a feeling that I finally might follow that advise. Sometimes enough is enough. Or then not...?
 
My head tells also that things have been escalating, every year more. His moods are swinging constantly, and any stress he has, must be reflected on me. I do not feel safe mentally with him,  as he tries to pour all his anger/ pain/ frustration on me. He even tries to find the most hurting words, in order to push me away.
I sometimes do not feel safe with him physically. He has very little impulse control in general, and when he is drunk, it is almost non- existence.
And he is a tall/ big guy, almost 2 m tall, whereas I have about 165 cm only & slender.

Am well over 50 years already, have been in several relationships, had 15 years with my ex husband, and I have never before been in a relationship with such a troubled person, so it really makes me wonder why on earth do I stay, despite of the abuse and constant crisis.
I do not have kids with him, we do not live together, I am not dependent on him financially, I have an interesting management position in a large ww co-operate, I do live 'abroad' so not exactly the same network around me like I  have in couple of other countries, however I do have hobbies and friends right here in this city too. So, why I do stay...?

Well, perhaps  because my heart still remembers the first year... amazing, but he indeed managed to be almost full one first year the lovely, intelligent and insightful person ( he still today of course sometimes shows glimpses of those too). There were very few, if none, red flags during the first year.
And as of today,  we still do like many same things, from favorite countries, music, food, share same view on politics etc. Not very easy to find, and I was so happy to find my ‘ soul- mate’ .
Moreover, I have been struggling to keep the relationship for 5 years, so kind of an’ investment’, too. Difficult perhaps to announce the failure...?
Also, almost every travel with him ( without stress from home front) has been still just a bliss, full of laughter and relaxed, good times.
 I do still see his sides as a very intelligent, and sweet man.   

Yeah, probably an illusion only.

At the moment I try to reflect all what has happened and do some soul searching.
I do love him, no doubt. But actually I think that I have to face the fact that he is not capable of loving himself, or his kids or anyone else either. And that hurts. Badly.

All in all, when thinking all years back, I think it might not be BPD and alcohol only, but likely at least some NPD traits too.  (the NDP traits were brought by , but my T, but ok she never met him).
     
There is so much deep self- pity,  sorry for himself, so little empathy and  a lot of shame (incl now also the shame the ‘ troubled kids’ bring); shame disguised also in a way that any innocent disagreeing comment is regarded as a horrible attack, causing the 'flight' or ' fight' reaction.

Unfortunately, his kids indeed are also troubled, especially now the Asperger s19, so any (non or BPD) parent would have extreme stress and worry.
Moreover , his  ex- wife  had a kind of break down last summer, signed off from the kids ( ‘ nicely’ including the kids too on this almost suicidial message),  quitted working as lawyer, moved to her boyfriends place and this autumn then went to a clinic for several months, leaving everything on my boyfriend’s shoulders, so to say - also mainly the financial parts.
Every single parent would be overly stressed with such a situation, not even to mention a person with BPD, so I do understand that he had and has a lot on his plate.

 Unfortunately it means dysregulating almost on weekly basis, target being me.

At the moment, knowing that he has a lot of stress with kids and also at work, and me being very tired too,  I think the best is to

- support him by taking care of his old dog ( who luckily is getting better) - the dog is at my place mainly and if needed we go to vet etc. This will allow to my boyfriend also a little bit less stress and more time with his kid, after stressful day at work

- low contact in general with him

- I need to find joy - e.g. meeting my friends, going to movies, exhibitions etc

Am quite busy at work, which is good too.

But as said, these are just temporary measures and won’t remove my inner conflict between head vs heart.


Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2019, 06:35:18 PM »

Hi Vincenta,
It sounds like you've got a battle going on between your head and heart and that's sapping your energy. You've searched within to see what has made this relationship compelling and wonder why you stay, despite the chaos that your partner brings. You have memories of how wonderful the relationship was at the beginning and you know that you love him, despite the difficulty he brings to your life. You know that he's stressed out dealing with his kids and with his work, and you do what you can to alleviate some of his burden. But ultimately you are pondering whether or not you want to remain in the relationship, knowing that he is who he is.

Is that about right?

Cat
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2019, 07:10:58 PM »

Dear Cat,

yes, absolutely - that is exactly how I feel.

In addition, I feel like a fool , and guilty thinking about all the wasted energy for this relationship (that just probably is toxic) - guilty also as my friends (many of them but of course especially the very few ones who know about the physical attacks) are very worried about me. My girlfriends have nightmares etc.

   
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2019, 10:15:06 PM »

Hi Vincenta,
If you feel like a fool or guilty for wasting time and energy, join the crowd!  

There’s a lot of us here who have felt exactly that way.

No point in beating yourself up. You had faith in someone who may not have deserved it, and that was a generous act. You didn’t know at the beginning and there’s no shame in that.

Now you are at a choice point and undoubtedly there are still many good reasons to stay in your relationship as well as good reasons not to.

It’s all up to what makes you happy, fulfilled and congruent with who you are. And we are here to help you explore that.

 

Cat
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2019, 07:18:20 PM »

Thanks Cat

Situation here now:
As said, we do not live together, but about 1, 5 km apart only.
Last week we had very LC but on Fri we agreed  to take the dogs for a walk together and afterwards a dinner in a restaurant on Sat. - All good intentions turning bad again, he is really so burnt out with the current situation that only the part with dogs & fresh air was somewhat relaxing.

He seems to be extremely stressed especially with the situation with his S19 w Asperger, and no wonder - as said, any parent would be. ... I start to believe that this 'bluff' on New Year eve is what he dreams about. I think he really would like to leave all the 'stress' behind (incl his son, daughter, me, ex-wife...his Lab dog etc ...? ), not by committing suicide (hopefully), but by moving to new city here or abroad and starting kind of  'anew'.

Now, actually also in reality he could do it. Since he cannot hold a permanent position (without getting too triggered by co-workers or his team etc), he has established himself very well as a self-employed consultant, the assignments at large international companies up to one year max...and he really shines in all of those jobs -  he is extremely clever, hard-working, gets results, has intercultural skills, is a good people manager too (!). And very wanted by many companies. His assignment with the current job will end by end of March. 

So actually for him it would not make any difference in which city he works from...
Whereas e.g. I have a permanent mgmt. position in a large ww co-operate here already for 12 years and it were somewhat challenging to get anything as interesting anywhere in this very country.

'Going away' has been actually his mantra for couple of years already - he especially would prefer some South American countries we have visited.
Now, I do not have anything against moving on etc, but must be based on reality. I have already moved so many times as an expat around that I know what it means... he has also lived, studied and worked e.g. in US, but all in all a bit less compared to my international expat experiences (btw sometimes difficult to his ego).
 
Also, if we cannot live here together, why it were suddenly different anywhere else...?
Moreover, would be very difficult, at least to me, to move to another continent, leaving his son behind, who really still needs his support  (S19 would like to live alone, but clearly still needs many years to come to be  somewhat capable for taking care of himself alone) . Or my old Mom in Europe with heart problems . 

And because of all of this I just start to lose respect. It is all about fight or flight, in a way. 
Or big dreams... Although Yes! I really would like to have goals with my partner, but more realistic goals, based on trust .
And shared goals are important indeed as a couple, don't you think?

At the moment in my relationship there are none.






 

 

     




   
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2019, 10:34:51 PM »

You live nearby and haven’t been spending much time togther. When you have been with each other, you’ve noticed how stressed out he is and that he would like to pull up roots and leave behind all the things and people he finds stressful.

That wouldn’t be easy for you to do, as your job is not portable, like his is. You are also aware of the difficulties of being an expat and the idea of leaving behind his son and your elderly mother is concerning.

You also think that moving wouldn’t cure the current relationship issues and you’d feel better if what he thought about were shared relationship goals, but he doesn’t seem to be considering your needs.

Have you told him how you feel about this?
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Toughluck

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 43


« Reply #17 on: January 11, 2019, 01:56:29 PM »

Obviously you love him because you even think about moving elsewhere..

But I think the least he can/should do is to show that everything is worth it.

Remember, that if he wants you to move abroad with him, it might be only games that are not based on real love or anything... It can be even manipulation.

I'm mirroring myself and I should not tell what you should do but...I feel bad if everything goes south for you.

If I were you, I would ask him to first show that you can better the relationship in the very place your workplace is... After 1 year of promising relationship you should start to consider this possibility, not before.

Think about if he looses it right after you have quit your job and moved to a a other country? You would be in pieces...

It is not a real relationship if he does not put weight on your needs as well. Taking account your history, I think it is time to repair the damage that has been done, not move away... After everything is sunny and happy, then you can build the very future you both want. Hesitated actions in desperate situations are very common with bpd's, don't fall for that...

It reminds my r/s when my ex wanted to get her pregnant in the middle of... You know...luckily I did not. I would have regret that my whole life. If he truly loves you, he must respect you and understand that forgetting a broken relationship, Does not get repaired if you close your eyes and move to a another place.

You'll get hurt if you trust only your heart and not your mind/intuitions/thoughts with bpd's.

All the best... I know it is tough.
Logged
AskingWhy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 526



« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2019, 01:46:20 AM »

Hi dear Asking Why,

No, unfortunately he is not attending any care  - according to him he ‘is too clever’ and able to ‘ fool’ any professional...as ‘he had so many appointments already since his childhood, so he knows how to talk and trick’.
s and that’s why the whole therapy was stopped ( naturally he found other excuses).

First things first: He does not seem to be suicidal at all anymore ( but ashamed - on the other he really got the drama he probably needed...? The same old ‘ I feel bad, Vincenta must feel bad too’ kind of thing?) , I need to sleep in order to have clear mind, dogs are safe and with me. Perhaps I now have to be like Scarlet O’Hara: I will think about tomorrow.

My promise for this new year  though is that I am not going to brush anything under carpet anymore. I want to be open about the problems, and I have to analyze deeper my own behavior too.

And I am so thankful for any feedback this forum might bring.


Dear Vincenta, I hope your discussions on the boards are bringing more clarity to your life with your BPD H.

My H is uBPD, and he does not see anything wrong with his dysregulations (name calling, punching holes in walls, breaking dishes, etc), splitting or enmeshement with his adult children.  He has refused to seek help, instead saying I am the one who needs counseling.  In fact, I do see a counselor without H's knowledge.  It's very helpful to get the insight of a professional who understands BPD.  In fact, my counselor has BPD clients and uses DBT.

Please keep your pets safe.  When my H dysregulates, they scatter all over the house.  The dog tremble in fear and the cats hide under beds for hours.  My H would easily leave me and the pets, while wanting to move in with his adult children and grandchildren.  In a mean streak, H threatened to take the pets in a divorce just to hurt me.


Logged
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #19 on: January 18, 2019, 07:10:28 PM »

Thanks for your replies   

CatFamiliar
thanks Cat, your summary is correct - and yes, naturally I have told him (gently) all the reasons why moving 'abroad' at the moment would not work at all and won't solve his or our relationship issues.
Stating also that one can move from one country to another, but one still carries the same mind, soul & body along...and perhaps everything could feel fresh, exiting and cool for awhile, but in a couple of months/years it will be inevitably turn back to the same old same old  (or even far worse). 
Different settings perhaps, but same old problems. 

Toughluck
many thanks for your reply   - no worries, I  do not have any plans to move with him anywhere... We have not even ever lived together here in this city, for good reasons.
In the beginning of the relationship (about after 6 months) he asked me many times to move in with him and his that time 16 years old daughter (Son lived that time with his ex-wife, visiting every second weekend only).  I refused as I did not want to move in so fast with anyone, moreover, I thought that it would not be wise me moving in and then mainly spending time together there with his ADD teenage daughter, him travelling a lot. Not an ideal combination, especially as his D was and still is very much a ‘Daddy’s’ girl. So then a kind of agreement was that we will plan about the move once his D will finalize the collage and will start university studies.
Well, D moved out already almost 2 years ago, and we still live separated, due to all the frictions and dramas and break up cycles in the relationship.   

And generally speaking, one thing is for sure: I would never move anywhere in any case with anyone without a signed local job contract!

Perhaps as being a Nordic woman  ( and BTW, am very thankful for the Nordic system IMHO; the more I have either lived abroad or travelled around, the more I actually respect these things I took for granted at my home turf –  a bit higher taxes yes, BUT providing affordable excellent education all the way up to university degree, quite good gender equality, health care for everyone, very low corruption, affordable kindergartens, long maternity/paternity leaves etc)  I cannot and do not want to be dependent financially, I have always earned by own money. And want to be occupied and adding real value where ever I work.

Dear AskingWhy , unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. My Parson terrier and his old Lab lady escape as soon as my pwBPD raises his voice.  Sometimes he does not even have to raise his voice, but the dogs sense long before me that the dysregulation is coming. Well, animals can predict also the earthquakes, right...?
Actually my SO is loving and patient with both the dogs in general, and has never directly attacked the dogs while dysregulation: it is more that the dogs are afraid because his sudden change of behaviour and aggression. But of course it is already damaging to any dog (or human!), living with such an unpredictable and aggressive person.
I feel guilty about this already, and I will not tolerate anymore of any of it.
His old Lab lady has spent almost 99% of the last 6 weeks at my place due to paw problem, I was with her 7 times this far at vet as I have more flexible hours at work, the dog got more than 3 weeks antibiotics, bandages that had to changed 3 times a day for 6 weeks etc ... but finally today I think she is finally totally healed and happy  . So am I, for her!

AskingWhy,  when it comes to name calling, punching holes in walls, breaking dishes, etc, splitting and enmeshment with his children - I experience it all, too. And I am so sorry to hear that you also have to live with that kind of troubles.   

At the moment I am in Low Contact with my SO. And it has been quite bad lately, mentally.





Logged
AskingWhy
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 526



« Reply #20 on: January 19, 2019, 01:31:26 AM »


Dear AskingWhy , unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. My Parson terrier and his old Lab lady escape as soon as my pwBPD raises his voice.  Sometimes he does not even have to raise his voice, but the dogs sense long before me that the dysregulation is coming. Well, animals can predict also the earthquakes, right...?
Actually my SO is loving and patient with both the dogs in general, and has never directly attacked the dogs while dysregulation: it is more that the dogs are afraid because his sudden change of behaviour and aggression. But of course it is already damaging to any dog (or human!), living with such an unpredictable and aggressive person.
I feel guilty about this already, and I will not tolerate anymore of any of it.
His old Lab lady has spent almost 99% of the last 6 weeks at my place due to paw problem, I was with her 7 times this far at vet as I have more flexible hours at work, the dog got more than 3 weeks antibiotics, bandages that had to changed 3 times a day for 6 weeks etc ... but finally today I think she is finally totally healed and happy  . So am I, for her!

AskingWhy,  when it comes to name calling, punching holes in walls, breaking dishes, etc, splitting and enmeshment with his children - I experience it all, too. And I am so sorry to hear that you also have to live with that kind of troubles.   

At the moment I am in Low Contact with my SO. And it has been quite bad lately, mentally.


Vincenta, the most important thing in all this is that your recognise it as BPD and have a strategy on how to approach your SO's actions.  As with children, the safety of the pets is paramount, and your safety, too.

 

Logged
PLEASE DO NOT TELL MEMBERS TO STAY OR LEAVE!
This board is for evaluating the pros and cons of staying or leaving a relationship. Please focus on evaluating options.
All members should learn to use the basic relationship tools to better manage the day to day interactions
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #21 on: January 19, 2019, 10:48:26 AM »

Hi Vincenta,
You seem very grounded and totally aware of consequences that a move to another country would engender. And you're an animal lover too. Bless you for taking such good care of your BF's dog. 

My mother's family all came from Norway and my cousin did a work/visit there with extended family a couple of years ago. It's no wonder that citizens of Nordic countries have one of the highest levels of happiness with all the benefits these countries provide.

So you're currently in LC with your SO. How can we help you?

Cat
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #22 on: January 27, 2019, 04:20:25 PM »

Thanks for your replies   truly appreciated!

It has been quite hectic at work (even unusually so - partially also due to Brexit and US government shutdown related topics... we truly live 'interesting' times - to put it mildly).
 
But also have been postponing this reply as so much on and my head is just spinning.

Askingwhy and Cat , thanks, the dogs are fine at the moment, Lab recovered and doing great. And yes, - I have been always for animal protection (already as a  child - had often a kind of zoo in my room of strays or hurt birds and animals in my room), later then as a young adult was politically active (luckily successfully) in improving e.g. animal protection and hunting laws etc at my home turf. 

Was (and still am) active for human rights. So perhaps I could be regarded as an 'empath' (or just a human?). 
Nevertheless, I have always been more like a leader-type of person and have never been in such a toxic relationship like this.
Now I cannot even grant the basic human rights to myself in this relationship..!

So I do very much wonder what happened to myself,  between the previous somewhat brave woman I used to be and this silly and weak person as I now feel like with this SO.

Cat , yes - Nordic countries = generally speaking 'happy' for many good reasons, as listed in my previous post, such as stable democracies, high education, low corruption, equality, health insurance etc –
however e.g. my relatives and friends of the very 'happiest country' told me that ' if this is really the happiest, oh dear... - now how on earth are the other countries then doing...?'.   

I guess that sometimes one has to travel far to see near...
 
But of course each and every country have both their good and bad sides.
Nothing is perfect. (Somewhat leads also to the good discussion Cat started, about good vs perfect).

And Cat , few parts of my family roots lead also to Norway. Perhaps we are even distant cousins (somewhat low genetic pool at my country/neighbouring countries, even after Vikings' tours).

Now, when it comes to my relationship with pwBPDbf, LC during the weeks but I have met him just for a couple of hours on the  weekends, basically just walking the dogs together or similar. And sometimes having a dinner together afterwards.

Even those couple of hours do wear me down. I try to stay somehow ‘positive’ and ‘validating’ despite of:

He is very much pushing and painting me black ( most likely due to his stress with his son and stress at work, and well, due to BPD) . He tells me like e.g.:
,
How I am the only reason for all of his troubles.

How no-one cares about him.

How, according to him, I always just want to pick up a fight and he just does not want to fight (as a peaceful person...).

How he has never had problems like these with anyone else.

He also tries to ridicule me in almost everything I try to discuss about - like a little bit about my week & work, my life, or e.g. just about recent politics (where we used to have always interesting  discussions, sharing the same views). Now, he is ' not interested in' .

Now, I do understand that he projects, paints black and dysregulates, and I have used all the tools here so things have not escalated (probably for his very disappointment!) , but still it hurts so much.

Oh, and now the moving plans have changed again, now he just would like to move into another flat (more expensive though) in the very same area he lives – I think this all is still related to the stress, boredom and impulsive behaviour of BPD – he just wants to have some something ‘new’. Rationally, the move to only a little nicer apartment, only about 200 m away,  does not make any sense, knowing the cost of moving and the renovation cost of the old flat ( where one door has been kicked in a rage etc).
Logged
Vincenta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 33


« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2019, 05:56:10 PM »

Addition to my previous post:

So, despite of the LC and a lot of space, this just does not seem to work.

He wants to meets, and then when we meet on the weekend, even for couple of hours only, it is a burden.

As said, he tries to ridicule everything I say or do. I start to think that due the stress he has at he moment, he is showing even more the NPD traits he certainly has in any case, and therefore he wants to meet me  - an easy target to get a quick self-boost.

And as he feels miserable (again), so should I. If I try to tell of anything that  has happened recently in my life ( the positive  - I do not even dare to tell the possible negative!) , he says that he is not interested in.

I do not see any future here, really.

I would like to see a couple as a team, and seriously, there is NO team here.
Or the team is He, Himself and, perhaps His kids too,...I am not in the radar anywhere.
 
I guess my mantra should be now ' He has PD. Without treatment he won#t get better. He does not love you. He never did.  Accept. Move on.'

But it is difficult.

 
Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 3923



« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2019, 01:58:08 PM »

Hi Vincenta,
As you know, the erosion of your “human rights” devolved slowly, over time, as you put more priority on his feelings than your own. To reverse the course, you only need do the opposite, but years of habitual behavior patterns can be difficult to overcome unless we’re mindful.

It seems that he’s not meeting your needs currently. Why not be extra kind to yourself right now?   

Cat

Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!