Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 03:40:42 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Bewildered. How do I avoid such contradictions?  (Read 730 times)
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« on: January 05, 2019, 09:31:24 AM »

Reading through this site has opened my eyes, but my heart is no stronger.
My partner flips from one extreme to the other. My head often says walk away, but my heart says she is worth holding on to.
I went through the initial period of being treated like an idol. It was pleasant, but uncomfortably so. I am not a god and tried to put a perspective on things. When it crashed, my partner showed that she had a drink problem and an unhealthy jealousy towards my daughter (from a previous relationship). For some months now it has been up and down and she wants me to change my life to suit her ideals. I'm close to retiring age and not really looking to becoming something that is not in my character. I've always put myself out for others, but within reason. She wants me to think only of myself - so long as it encompasses providing for her with all the new found riches that she thinks I'll gain.
When she is nice she is absolutely wonderful. When she is not nice she is a nightmare. She can turn in an instant and has no rational thought. She has opened up and asked for help, but now she rejects any offer of assistance. Everything I do is wrong. I have been very ill of late, which she sees as something that I somehow devised as a way to spoil her enjoyment of the festive period. Then she turns again and is so loving. I tell her that I love her for who she is and just want to help make her life happy. Sometimes she says she wants to do the same for me, at other times she tells me all the things that are wrong with me and says that I am dragging her down.
How do I avoid such contradictions and keep the peace?
 
Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2019, 10:48:04 AM »

hi Weejie, and Welcome

generally speaking, the idea is to slowly get a hold on the unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, and to begin to steer the relationship into healthier territory. its important to have realistic expectations of what is resolvable, what might change with hard work, your limits as well as your partners.

this is a good place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

tell us more about whats going on right now, conflict wise. whats she asking of you to change in your life to suit her ideals? whats going on in terms of your illness?

also, how long have the two of you been together?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2019, 02:59:31 PM »

Thank you, once removed.

We have been together for less than a year, but it has been quite intense.
We are officially neighbours and she came to my door to introduce herself. She made subsequent approaches, though I didn't realise she had been drinking each time. We soon became a couple, and she managed to stay off the drink for a considerable time with only a couple of relapses. She is now drinking again and locks herself away for one or two days, sending me abusive texts at times. This is happening right now.
She doesn't really say exactly how I should change, only that it would involve earning enough money to make her comfortable.
I became ill with a stomach virus over Christmas, which wasn't good, but I also became dehydrated and collapsed twice. I am slowly recovering from the ordeal.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2019, 03:01:40 PM »

what sorts of things is she saying in her texts?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2019, 10:09:11 PM »

She texts stuff that cannot be repeated here. Full of 'F' words and telling me how bad I am.
At some point she will say the opposite, and it is as if she never said the bad stuff.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #5 on: January 06, 2019, 06:47:38 AM »

thats tough; i know a bit about what its like.

how do you respond?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #6 on: January 06, 2019, 07:56:36 AM »

What appears to be the wrong way, reading through this site. I defend my character and associated actions and motives. When she flips the other way, I just forgive her (though say nothing) and do my best to be loving and understanding. On rare occasions (once bitten) when I have raised the issue of her behaviour (excuse British English), it is met with denial and anger. If the abusive texts are really abusive, it's usually a sign that she's been drinking.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #7 on: January 06, 2019, 09:51:16 AM »

it can be a good idea to step away when things break down. at the very least we dont want to escalate or fuel a circular argument.

can you be more specific about the back and forth? advice really depends on it. sometimes its a good idea to just listen, sometimes its a better idea to reflect back what youre hearing, step away, think on it, and come back to it when things have calmed down.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #8 on: January 06, 2019, 02:58:54 PM »

She says stuff like "you don't have time for me, just your horses and your daughter" (I keep horses). "You only care about yourself - go away". I respond, telling her that I love her very much and try and give her as much of my time as possible. Then the "f" word starts to appear. She continues to order that I "f" off. I say that I'm going nowhere because I live next door. It escalates to pure diatribe and I continue to tell her how much I love her. She constantly claims that she does everything for me and I give nothing in return. I point out the many things I do for her. Falls on deaf ears. She has her own narrative and will not deter from it.
Right now I'm having a problem with low blood pressure as a result of the dehydration, so will have to stop writing.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #9 on: January 07, 2019, 02:25:32 AM »

Turns out my blood pressure was high, which is a turnaround. She says she wants out and has ended contact. Given my blood pressure problem, I've made the decision to hold her to that. It will be a painful parting, but I'll have to weather the storm.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #10 on: January 07, 2019, 09:48:39 AM »

i understand youve been giving leaving some thought.

its important to know that this might be a breakup threat (you mention holding her to this) - a way to get her way - more than a thought through decision.

its also important that you not respond with the same. if you are leaving the relationship, we can support you in doing so, but if theres even a 5% chance you arent done, or will change your mind, its really important not to escalate the situation.

have there been breakup threats before? from either side?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #11 on: January 07, 2019, 10:01:57 AM »

have there been breakup threats before? from either side?
I did say I was leaving her when she abandoned me at the stables, leaving me to walk seven miles in the wind and rain. She very soon phoned me and expressed unhappiness that I was leaving her. This was before I deduced that she might have BPD. I soon relented. She has said "we're done" several times, usually after some trivial "misdemeanour" on my part, like being ten minutes late for something or failing to respond immediately to her texts. She later acts as if she never said it.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #12 on: January 07, 2019, 10:06:03 AM »

so, lots of breakup threats here then.

breakup threats, and make/up break up cycles do a lot of damage to a relationship over time. my ex and i both used them regularly.

it sounds like youve relented before. theres a path before you, to either exit the relationship, or to begin to take a very different approach, and begin to steer the relationship in a healthier direction. as i said, we will support you in the path you choose, but its important to stop the bleeding here, and not escalate things, either way.

are you still messaging each other or has she kept to dropping contact for now?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #13 on: January 07, 2019, 10:49:02 AM »


are you still messaging each other or has she kept to dropping contact for now?

She hasn't contacted me since telling me we were finished. She did phone my brother and told him a mixture of exaggerated truths and total fabrication. An example being the claim that I spent more time talking to a former partner on the phone (a partner from 21 years ago) than I talk with her. In actuality, I haven't spoken to the former partner for about four years, but we exchanged two text messages each when she wished me a happy birthday. We exchange birthday wishes each year. Unfortunately, the initial text came through when I was with my BPD partner. She has huge insecurities with the thought of any of my former partners. It doesn't help that this one in particular is a retired psychologist!
Conversely, one of her former partners is also a neighbour and I have no issue with that, and even helped do some woodwork for him. I also played music with her separated husband at Christmas.
Thank you for the offer of support. I think I'll give it a few days and see if there is any contact. I don't want to hurt her, but I also have to weigh up the risks to my wellbeing, which is already at a low.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #14 on: January 07, 2019, 10:58:17 AM »

between the lines, it sounds like it boils down to wanting more time and attention from you. thats not necessarily news, as you/she has expressed as much before. this is kinda her dysfunctional way of upping the ante to get it, and the breakup threat is likely a part of that.

the challenge, should you stay, is to really read between those lines, see where/if you can meet the need she is communicating. arguing about it, defending yourself against it, isnt really getting to the heart of the matter, isnt necessarily constructive, and in a complicated way, if she doesnt feel like shes getting the need met, fighting with you about it is kind of a dysfunctional way of getting that attention... .something you dont want to encourage.

dont JADE is a golden rule here.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #15 on: January 07, 2019, 12:14:05 PM »


dont JADE is a golden rule here.

I am learning this. If only I had known this earlier, things might have been different.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #16 on: January 08, 2019, 11:50:24 AM »

Our paths crossed today, which is hardly surprising, given that we are neighbours. Avoiding JADE is really difficult when face to face, but I think I got through more or less unscathed. She seems to be advocating that I give up my horses so that I can have more free time - presumably to give to her. I said that was a lot to sacrifice. Not sure if that crossed the JADE line. She then went inside her house and shut the door. Of course, I have no intention of giving them up. It would be foolish.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #17 on: January 08, 2019, 12:05:58 PM »

She seems to be advocating that I give up my horses so that I can have more free time

specifically, what did she say?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #18 on: January 08, 2019, 12:17:46 PM »

specifically, what did she say?
She said "I've got my life and you've got the horses. You will never have enough time for me so long as you've got them. They are wearing you out. I'm not going to watch you die from working too hard".

They require 2 - 3 hours per day to give basic attention, and the work is not hard. Nowhere near as hard as coping with a pwBPD.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #19 on: January 08, 2019, 12:25:27 PM »

this might be a between the lines kinda thing.

its probably less about the horses (in that moment she expressed it was about the horses) and more about her feelings that you are inattentive, or she doesnt get enough time, or... .

its not uncommon here. my ex complained about it all the time even though we spent days on end together. the key is to hear the person out, summarize what theyre saying, make them feel heard/let them blow off steam, then take a bit of time to reflect on it... .then in times of calm, see where you can find agreement/compromise, or if you can find those ways to give our partners what theyre really asking for.

what do you think?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #20 on: January 08, 2019, 09:45:04 PM »

I think that she feels that she doesn't get enough time, but she never will get enough time. It was a similar situation earlier on in the relationship when I had my daughter at the weekend (I get her for a day and an evening by court order - but not overnight). She was well aware that this was the routine, and I would pop over and see her as much as I could, but it wasn't enough. She wouldn't come and join in. She wouldn't say that her angry outbursts were due to my not being with her all the time, but eventually she said that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to appear needy. I told her that she needed to tell me her feelings. Nothing would put me off her, and it was good that I knew how she felt so that something could be done about it. Not that I could stop seeing my daughter, but I could find a compromise. She seemed to understand and was very loving as a result, but the same thing happened the next weekend and she took to drink. It was then that I suspected that she had some serious problem other than the alcohol.
I knew that she had suffered what she describes as a mental breakdown eight years ago. She was in a relationship for thirty years and says was quite stable mentally. However, two of her three daughters were going through relationship problems with what she says were "bad boyfriends" and she felt she couldn't cope. So she just fled. She left her home, leaving husband and daughters - the youngest being ten years old. Almost immediately after this she had a relationship with her 'massage' therapist (an alternative form of massage). She says it looked to all the world that she left home to be with him, but the relationship hadn't started until she had left. She does often come to tears when she recalls leaving her children.
Now that I've figured out the likelihood that she has BPD, I'm wondering what part this disorder might have played in her leaving home, if any.
Back to the present. She said she couldn't continue the relationship because I did nothing but complain about how ill I was (which isn't true - I did tell her how I was getting on when asked) and it was all "doom and gloom" with me. In reality, on our nights together, she asks me to massage her aches and pains away. There always is some painful joint or muscle.
It is so difficult not to be drawn into JADE when she comes up with this stuff as a 'reason' for her rejection.
I am left back where I was at the start of this thread. A strong part of me says I should get out of this and hold her to what she is saying. However, I will see her because she is a neighbour and this will hurt and make it difficult to get over her. Then do I see if she changes her mind again and try and make things easier for both of us? I cannot give up my daughter and giving up my horses for her when she could just 'end' the relationship at the drop of a hat would be folly.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #21 on: January 09, 2019, 09:25:11 AM »

I went to see my doctor this morning. He sympathised with my situation. He said that I must truly care for her if I was discussing things with him. He said that she needs to be given boundaries and told that she needs to have help. He also said that there is a risk that she may never speak to me again if I told her this.
He also pointed out, when I said that so far she hasn't self-harmed, that her drinking is a form of self-harm.

Having a hard day today. Silence is deafening.
Logged
Ozzie101
Ambassador
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1915



« Reply #22 on: January 09, 2019, 09:44:08 AM »

I'm so sorry, Weejie.   From what other people have said here, telling a pwBPD that they need help or telling them you think they have BPD rarely goes well. Boundaries are good, though, and there are members here who have had success in implementing them.

I cannot give up my daughter and giving up my horses for her when she could just 'end' the relationship at the drop of a hat would be folly.

Absolutely not. I believe you should never give up something or someone important to you (unless it's something unhealthy, like the meth lab in the garage) for a relationship. In a good relationship, your partner should at least accept the things that matter to you. For your own well-being, you need to hold on to you and to the things that bring you joy and self-worth.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #23 on: January 09, 2019, 11:13:14 AM »

I think that she feels that she doesn't get enough time, but she never will get enough time.
... .
but eventually she said that she didn't tell me because she didn't want to appear needy.

your partner, and people with BPD traits in general, have a lack of relationship skills, coping skills, and struggle not only identifying, but communicating their needs.

it manifests as neediness, "i hate you, dont leave me", type behavior.

the crux before you is whether you can live with that, work with that, evolve with that, and whether you are up for trying to lead it toward a healthier trajectory. there are tools and skills that can help you to do that; they arent a guarantee, and they will take learning, effort, and lots of practice to apply consistently.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #24 on: January 09, 2019, 04:39:22 PM »

From what other people have said here, telling a pwBPD that they need help or telling them you think they have BPD rarely goes well. Boundaries are good, though, and there are members here who have had success in implementing them.
Thak you Ozzie101.
The chances of success are further confounded by the fact that she has no faith in the medical profession whatsoever. She was let down by a doctor at the time of her breakdown and tars all doctors with the same brush. She has her own weird and wonderful philosophy that everything is decided and dictated by the universe, with the guidance of angels. For example, when I got a viral stomach infection on Christmas day, apart from it all being my fault that her Christmas was spoiled. it was somehow the universe telling me that I shouldn't keep horses because it was too much for me. I had actually been called over a couple of nights before to clean up one of her granddaughter's vomit, as she couldn;t bring herself to do it. I likely contracted the virus then. All doctors are liars according to her. They cannot possibly help people with problems because they have problems of their own. Her obsession with the phases of the moon controlling one's destiny is quite endearing, but doesn't help when it seems like professional therapy is her way forward. I don't know if this fantastic philosophy is common with pwBPD, or whether there might be some comorbidity.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #25 on: January 09, 2019, 04:45:31 PM »



the crux before you is whether you can live with that, work with that, evolve with that, and whether you are up for trying to lead it toward a healthier trajectory. there are tools and skills that can help you to do that; they arent a guarantee, and they will take learning, effort, and lots of practice to apply consistently.




Yes, I have a bit of weighing up to do. Thank you for your support.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #26 on: January 10, 2019, 03:44:07 PM »

Another development today. I have been using her car to get to my horses and to collect my daughter. Originally, after my old car bit the dust, she had suggested sharing hers. I would pay the insurance, as I get a better deal with my driving record. Then she changed her mind, then she changed it again, then she changed it one more time. So I bought an older car, which broke down after two days. So then she said we'd use hers until I repaired mine. So that is where we are now. She gave me until the 20th of the month to fix my car (clutch - I do my own repairs, but outdoors and weather is not too good). She asked that I keep it at mine until the deadline. This morning I got texts saying she now wanted it at 10:30 every day. Also wanting it today. I was at the hospital for an x-ray so could not get back straight away. I applied SET saying I understood that she needed it and that I would need it if the situation were reversed, but I was at the hospital and 10:30 might be too tight to meet. Discussion would be the way forward and if she didn't want to talk with me, she could talk with my brother and come to some mutually suitable arrangement. She said "no way forward", 10:30 or she would take it back now. I said that she was a clever and wonderful woman, and surely could see that talking to my brother would find a suitable solution. She phoned him and it was sorted out.  I doubt if she would have moved on this if I'd negotiated myself. She knew that 10:30 was difficult.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #27 on: January 10, 2019, 10:10:22 PM »

It's just getting unbearable now. Someone I thought of as my friend treating me as an enemy.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #28 on: January 11, 2019, 12:31:18 PM »

this is difficult.

when do you foresee getting out of this arrangement? is there another form of transportation available?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #29 on: January 11, 2019, 02:49:46 PM »

I'm working on my own car. Hopefully I'll have it complete before her deadline.

She was friendly today. Though she said it was over. She said she needed a man who would take her out and take her abroad. Not one who kept horses. I'm a bit late in years to be travelling to far flung places and although #i have taken her out, I prefer to cook for her. I'm not a bad cook, though I say so myself.
She was talking in a strange manner.
Then she turned against me later on and is back not communicating.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2019, 03:17:23 PM »

what do you want to do? do you want to reconcile the relationship?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #31 on: January 11, 2019, 03:31:02 PM »

what do you want to do? do you want to reconcile the relationship?
My head says I should not and my heart says I should. With her being a neighbour, it is so difficult to see her and be on a superficial level. On balance, I think I should give it one more shot.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #32 on: January 11, 2019, 11:08:17 PM »

She phoned tonight and was quite OK. I now think that I'm going to try and bring the relationship back on. She is resigned to the opinion that it's all over and at least wants to remain friends. I feel that this is the woman that I love more than any partner in the past. If there is a way to steer things back on track, I will endeavour to do that. Now that I have figured out what her condition is, and having read here some ways of dealing with it, and dealing with myself, it might make a difference. I know it won't be easy, as she will never seek therapy, but she might not find anyone who will stand by her and feel more and more abandoned.
She might never want me as a partner again, but I can make an effort to bring things back.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #33 on: January 11, 2019, 11:09:23 PM »

what do you intend to do next?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #34 on: January 11, 2019, 11:16:11 PM »

what do you intend to do next?

Go along with just being friends and neighbours to start with. Hopefully she will be able to talk to me about her feelings and trust me again at whatever level she can manage. I am expecting some times when she will drink or just become lonely enough to spill out some feelings. Some difficult times. If I can keep myself on track, things might improve.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #35 on: January 11, 2019, 11:27:52 PM »

that seems reasonable. its hard to repair things if the bridge is burned.

she could also change her mind. shes done this before, right? its fairly early yet.
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #36 on: January 11, 2019, 11:47:38 PM »



she could also change her mind. shes done this before, right? its fairly early yet.

She has not been so resolute before, but yes. She has done this before and changed her mind.
I think I will have to be more confident and not always there to make sure she doesn't fall. To let her fall, but help her up again. Does that make sense, or am I on the wrong track?
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #37 on: January 11, 2019, 11:55:45 PM »

i think it makes a lot of sense. confidence is attractive and sexy.

were you not before?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #38 on: January 12, 2019, 12:00:37 AM »


were you not before?

Yes, initially. However, her behaviour drained a lot of it away. There was obviously something wrong, but I couldn't work out what it was, and had no knowledge of how to deal with it. The eggshells began to accumulate.
Logged
Weejie

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 46


« Reply #39 on: January 13, 2019, 01:01:48 AM »

It seems to be going as predicted. She texted in the morning, both to wish my daughter a happy birthday and to thank me for some wood I bought and cut for her to make 'fairy houses' (they are amazing).
I left some birthday cake on her doorstep and texted her that it was there. Later, she phoned and was very nice, but felt she was looking for something to argue, if there was a way. I was careful in any response and there was no argument. She had done nothing but watch movies all day, which is unusual for her. She does like to keep active. We wished each other good night and that felt good.
I think she is realising how lonely this is making her feel. It certainly is making me feel lonely. When I drop my daughter off after our weekend contact, it always is a moment of sadness. This weekend it was extra sad.
I have to remain calm and patient. Not rise to any digs in her conversation. I miss physical contact greatly. I'm hoping that she does too.
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #40 on: January 13, 2019, 06:49:45 PM »

Staff only

This thread has been locked as it reached the post limit.  A new thread has been started here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333177.0
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: 1 2 [All]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!