Co-parenting Fail

[Turkish]

On my part... .

Over a month ago,  S8, now 9, told me,  "Mommy cheated on you." I asked him why he thought that.  He said, "because mommy kissed [her H, their SD]." I asked him how he thought that was cheating.  He said, "because we saw a video at school and of you kiss someone else that's cheating." I was put on the spot.  I didn't want to lie to him,  he had just turned 4 when she left and he remembers things. She had trouble with he being angry a few months later at the time because she didn't give it at least 6 months before introducing him into their lives. 

This past week he got a fortune cookie message: "follow your heart it will never lead you wrong." He thought that was great,  until I had to explain it to him otherwise.  "Mommy followed her heart rather than thinking about things and ended up with [step dad]."  I shouldn't have said that! I think I'm still pissed that she has no indication of paying me the money she owes me.  Shame on me. 

I stewed on it for a few days because after that,  he said,  "mommy belongs with you." Apart from what I said, for over 3 years,  both kids desired that we be together again (this is normal in such cases). I tried to walk it back the other night. 

"Son, you know how I said [what I said] the other night.  Truthfully, people, including your mom,  are free to make their own choices no matter what we think.  We may disagree with those choices, but others are free to make those choices as independent people.  I'm sorry that I said that about mommy,  I shouldn't have said that," to which he replied, "then why did you say that?" He trusts me,  and I let him down.  I don't remember exactly, but I replied something like, "we as adults shouldn't discuss adult things with you kids because those things are between us,  not you kids."

This seemed to satisfy him,  but I know he'll remember it. 

I'm ashamed that I did this,  especially given the great step parents here.  I'm not soliciting forgiveness,  but I want to throw it out here for lurkers,  check yourselves and separate your emotions from Co-Parenting,  as hard as it may be at times. 

[worriedStepmom]

Don't beat yourself up too much.

All parents make mistakes. The good ones recognize those and apologize for them.  That makes a big difference on kids too.

I am not a fan of following your heart.  It's been proven that emotions follow actions, and there are many, many cases where your heart needs to be balanced with your head or you make stupid decisions.

[GaGrl]

Turkish, what did you finally do to address the financial dispatitu? You acknowledge you are still carting the resrntment.

Your children are 6 and 8. You have many, many years of sharing costs ahead. You can't let this fester.

[Turkish]

S turned 9 last week 

I think what you are saying is that by not addressing the source ood my resentment,  it will fester. I'll see her briefly Thursday night at the dojo when I pick up the kids,  and Sunday at church with the kids.  That gives Saturday to write up am excel spreadsheet and email it to her.

We received good profit sharing bonuses this year,  but a good chunk could be eaten up by this and the next two phases of orthodontia.  Her $100 owed for an ER visit and outpatient surgery copay for D aren't as big of a deal,  but I'll add them anyway.  She buys expensive shoes for the kids 2x/year and indicates she wants me to help pay,  but I've never seen a receipt.  I buy them quality winter jackets every other year,  but I dying want to get bogged down as much by <$100 items. I foresee D being a little fashionista and that might get expensive quickly.  Luckily, school uniforms are required in our district until high school,  so that isn't as much of a burden since Wal-Mart and target sell uniforms. 

I just rent remembered I paid almost $500/ea for summer robotics camp last year. Sure, I deduct it from my taxes, but I have to add that.  If I don't address this now, it will get out of control. Summer camp registration is coming up in May. I paid it right away since spaces are limited.  It saves us thousands in childcare.

[GaGrl]

The advantage of a clear-cut settlement agreement meant that the monthly child support $$$ covered clothing, shoes, etc., and I didn't have to track that with my ex. But the biggies... .medical costs, ortho, all his ADD diagnoses... .It really added up.

The spreadsheet and a quarterly financial meeting worked for us.

Ofcourse, my ex wasn't a person with a PD.

[ForeverDad]

This past week he got a fortune cookie message: "follow your heart it will never lead you wrong."  He thought that was great, until I had to explain it to him otherwise.  "Mommy followed her heart rather than thinking about things and ended up with [step dad]."

Well, mommy wasn't the star of some romance movie or novel.  Mommy followed her impulses.  I think the heart aspect in the cookie was a generic positive theme.  There can be exceptions, it just didn't apply to mommy.  As I would characterize it.  Was he applying it to his mother?

[Turkish]

No.  I used it as an example when I shouldn't have.