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Author Topic: Ex wants to get back together...again  (Read 424 times)
momtara
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« on: January 07, 2019, 12:45:39 AM »

I've been divorced from my BPD ex for 3 years. We have kids. He is sometimes fine at co-parenting and I am happy for those non-turbulent times (he gets the kids every other weekend and weekly dinners.) Then there are periods of several months when he's angry about every little thing, which is harder. We've been in a calm spree for several months now. And... .he has started asking to get back together. It is a little frustrating to me that I still have to tiptoe and keep boundaries. I haven't dated, but I am almost afraid to date someday because I wouldn't want him to know. I also have to figure out how to deal with these back-together requests. I'm too busy at work to think about it, and I kind of said that. But unless he drastically changed or got the right meds, it's not a thing that could happen. He was abusive and things are better the way they are. I guess I am just seeking a bit of advice on how to keep boundaries, what to say. I've been through all this before, but I always wonder if something new will provoke him or if I'll say the wrong thing and he'll treat the kids worse when he has them. Sometimes my therapist pooh-poohs my fears and says I can look to past behavior as a guide, and comparatively, he's not that bad. But if deep down he wants to get back together, I do have to be a bit careful what I say or do. Everyone has such different experiences with their exes. He's one of the higher functioning ones I guess, except when he's not. Thanks for listening.
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Gagrl
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« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2019, 11:08:26 AM »

Do you see anything going on in his life that indicates a pattern to the requests that you get back together?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
david
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« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2019, 06:36:32 PM »

Would you like to get back together ?
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momtara
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 05:57:02 AM »

David - No, I wouldn't, unless some drug is invented that takes away the abusive cycles in his personality and leaves that other person, the GOOD side. He tends to cycle. I try to keep boundaries. Gagri, well, he lives with relatives so I think it becomes uncomfortable for him at times. I think even changes in the weather affect how he acts toward me. Changes in medicine may have an affect too, come to think of it. Hard to tell with him, or with a BPD person who's kind of high functioning at times in general. But that's a good point; probably things in his life are part of this.
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ForeverDad
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« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 11:22:18 AM »

Your concern is a valid one, unless he is in intensive progressive therapy that is diligently applied in his life, thinking and perceptions, resuming the relationship would just restart the roller coaster... .and reset backward a few years the progress you've made thus far.

My advice?  "I think what we have now is the most practical solution for parenting and communication."  Be very aware of his past power over you regarding his pleading, begging and promises to change.  Also, trust your gut.
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david
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« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2019, 09:52:03 PM »

Just making sure I was not reading things incorrectly.
My ex doesn't bother me that much anymore but our youngest is 15 now. Our oldest is living with me full time.

I built such a strong boundary with email only communication there is no way for her to get to me in any fashion now. Trust me, she has tried many times. I just think she recycles when she tries to get around my communication. Also, it's been over ten years since she first ran away (2007) and that was when things took a turn for the worse. I give her nothing that she can imagine I am interested in any form of relationship. Email only communication gets rid of all emotion from me. I state facts.

This last Christmas I had to get the holiday schedule, which is clearly spelled out in our order, agreed to. She made a proposal that did not meet the order and would not change anything. I simply replied that I thought it best if we followed the court order. She would not even reply so I gave her the schedule and what we would do. She did not agree but did follow it. Our son is 15 so I told him when I would be picking him up and said nothing more about it to him. He was ready when I arrived and I had no problems. When our boys were much younger she would readily make things difficult because she could. That is no longer possible so things have become easier.
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momtara
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« Reply #6 on: January 13, 2019, 12:54:50 AM »

Thank you, David and Foreverdad. Those reminders about boundaries, and examples of your boundaries, are helpful.
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Newyoungfather
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« Reply #7 on: January 13, 2019, 02:57:48 PM »

Hello Momtara,
I would never get back with my exBPD, not in a million years.  I feel so sorry for her fiance.  My ex always said how she's going to change, if they don't change for you when you are dating them why would they change afterwards.  I don't mean to sound harsh but I went through over 10 recycles with exBPD, I learned my lesson the hard way and its a lesson I don't want to learn again.
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Bushido
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« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2019, 03:26:28 PM »

Your concern is a valid one, unless he is in intensive progressive therapy that is diligently applied in his life, thinking and perceptions, resuming the relationship would just restart the roller coaster... .and reset backward a few years the progress you've made thus far.

My advice?  "I think what we have now is the most practical solution for parenting and communication."  Be very aware of his past power over you regarding his pleading, begging and promises to change.  Also, trust your gut.

i just can´t read this too many times... .
" trust your gut "
this may be a hard thing but the why can always answer the question.
some things just don´t change.
so we end up with a choice where we go from here.
and no one can answer it but our selves.
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formflier
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« Reply #9 on: January 18, 2019, 05:46:43 PM »


Why not tell him the truth... pretty much like you typed it here.

That you would "consider" it after he successfully completes years of therapy... .and his professionals agree he is compliant.

Then don't discuss it or bargain.

FF
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Mutt
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« Reply #10 on: January 19, 2019, 04:48:01 PM »

Hi momtara,

Having to re-iterate that there is no "we" anymore would be awkward. I like how Foreverdad put it just state that you like how the arrangements are now and that it wouldn't be good for him if you were together. I don't think I would share much more, just state the facts, don't JADE, you don't have to give him a long explanation.
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AnuDay
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« Reply #11 on: January 27, 2019, 07:52:20 PM »

I agree with everyone here; I'm glad I had a chance to read all of the comments because I think we all struggle with this.  Just keep in mind that all you are seeing is his good side since you don't live together anymore and remember the old saying... .if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. 
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livednlearned
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« Reply #12 on: January 28, 2019, 09:12:39 AM »

I'm too busy at work to think about it, and I kind of said that. But unless he drastically changed or got the right meds, it's not a thing that could happen. I guess I am just seeking a bit of advice on how to keep boundaries, what to say.

If someone said, "Can't date you, I'm really busy" that could mean "Check back with me when I have more time."

That's more of a hook than a boundary.

It seems like you have him right where you want him. You get to feel like your behavior controls his which minimizes anxiety. 
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momtara
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« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2019, 09:48:58 PM »

Thanks to all.

I can't tell him that I'd consider it "if" all professionals agreed he was compliant, etc... .because some of them might agree even if he wasn't. His therapists believe a lot of what he tells them. I don't think he'll ever truly get better, but if he does -- it would have to be without any input for me. I can't unwittingly give him a deal or bargain or anything that seems like that to him.

I'm reluctant to tell him that things are working for now, because I feel like he'll make it harder, just to show me it would be easier if we get back together.

I feel like the best thing is to say as little as possible, but then he demands answers. Maybe I can just say I don't believe those are appropriate questions.

Livedandlearned, you always have great advice. I don't think my behavior controls his, but nor do I want to set him off.
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Gagrl
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« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2019, 10:57:27 PM »

You don't owe him any answers to his demands.

 "No" is a complete sentence.

You might tell him that his questioning is inappropriate, and let it go at that - you owe him nothing more.

Something is triggering him, and you are not privy to it.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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formflier
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« Reply #15 on: February 02, 2019, 07:23:52 AM »



I'm reluctant to tell him that things are working for now, because I feel like he'll make it harder, just to show me it would be easier if we get back together.
 

This is very wise.  I continue to fall into the trap of showing my pwBPD there is something she has done/is doing that I like and more often than not she will reduce that behavior.

Very odd, yet the correlation is undeniable.  I suspect my expressions of approval were actual causation. 

FF
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