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WitzEndWife
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« on: January 07, 2019, 10:45:24 AM »

Hi all. I just want to say that I'm turning a corner on this self care thing. Inch by inch I've been reclaiming my personal time and space, and I'm working on identifying overwhelming stress before it consumes me so that I can mitigate it. Overall, I think this would make me more tolerant and less resentful of my uBPDh, and contribute to my health.

I developed rosacea over the last month (characterized by persistent redness of the skin, which sometimes turns to acne and other issues). The condition is triggered by different things for different individuals, but I think my main triggers are stress and intense exercise. I think, if I work to manage my stress level, I will avoid flare ups, which can be uncomfortable.

Some things I am doing to take care of myself:

1. Setting more boundaries to encourage H to be more independent, and avoiding playing into the "mother-son" scenario he falls back on.
2. Getting in more exercise in the mornings and prioritizing longer workouts.
3. Getting 8 hours of sleep per night, and getting to bed early, even when H whines about me not "spending time with him" in the evenings.
4. Spending time with friends on weekends or by myself taking a class, so I'm not 100 percent glued to him the whole weekend.
5. Writing and journaling more, to get my feelings out and not bottled up inside.
6. Managing my stress level at work by managing my expectations and building myself up. Nobody can fill my cup up but me.
7. Continuing to get regular therapy.
8. Doing things that I enjoy, that make me feel good (like visiting my parents at the end of the month and swimming with the manatees in Florida).
9. Building my professional skills and working to continuously improve myself on my career path.
10. Avoiding alcoholic beverages for 90 days (to get out of the habit of having a glass of wine or a beer after work to take the "edge" off the day, so that I resort to more constructive and healthier habits).
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« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2019, 11:01:25 AM »

Good for you, WEW! That all sounds wonderful and I'm so happy for you that you're taking these steps to improve your life.  

Your #1 brings up something I noticed this weekend. My H doesn't like to make decisions. In fact, most of the time, he ends up leaving the choice up to me. (Of course, if things end up not working out, I'm to blame.) He also constantly asks for my advice. Not sure why I didn't notice this until now.

I definitely need to work on your 1, 3 and 4.
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« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2019, 11:16:48 AM »

Since BPDs are developmentally disordered when it comes to mental and emotional health, they tend to fall into the "kid" role. Also, survivors of trauma often do this, where they "play out" their trauma again and again.

My H is actually really controlling when it comes to decision making, which is aggravating because he is like a 14-year-old in a lot of ways, and who wants to be ordered around by a 14-year-old? He falls back on me as a caretaker sometimes, which is NOT my personality. I didn't sign on to have kids, I'm not a "motherly" type. I like helping people solve problems, but I'm not nurturing. I've been holding firm on, "You're going to have to figure out a way to pay for X if you want it, instead of letting him wear me down." I'm avoiding any kind of "motherly" role in any scenario, and instead pushing the "partner" narrative. It's hard though because they often don't know how to be a partner, and full independence is scary for them.
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« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2019, 11:58:05 AM »

Great list, WEW!

Sleep is underrated in our culture, but so important for our emotional stability and ability to make good decisions.
 
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« Reply #4 on: January 07, 2019, 04:50:09 PM »

Hey WEW, Love your list of ten self-care strategies.

May I add a few of my own?  Here are some:

1.  Strive to make my life a journey towards authenticity;
2.  Pay attention to my gut feelings;
3.  Acknowledge my feelings as they arise;
4.  Pursue my passions;
5.  Vow never to be the object of anyone's abuse again;
6.  Avoid isolation by reaching out to family and friends;
7.  Accept that I'm human and let go of any need for perfection;
8.  Nurture my creative side;
9.  Don't take myself, or life, too seriously; and
10.  Practice self-care, which is the starting point for my recovery.

Wow, that list was longer than I expected!

LuckyJim
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« Reply #5 on: January 07, 2019, 05:34:43 PM »

LuckyJim - I love it! What a robust list. I think it's great to write down your intentions so that you can refer back to it at a later time.

I'm a big believer that a lot can come out of exploring your creative side as well. It's a great outlet!
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« Reply #6 on: January 07, 2019, 09:54:44 PM »

Hi all. I just want to say that I'm turning a corner on this self care thing. Inch by inch I've been reclaiming my personal time and space, and I'm working on identifying overwhelming stress before it consumes me so that I can mitigate it. Overall, I think this would make me more tolerant and less resentful of my uBPDh, and contribute to my health.

I developed rosacea over the last month (characterized by persistent redness of the skin, which sometimes turns to acne and other issues). The condition is triggered by different things for different individuals, but I think my main triggers are stress and intense exercise. I think, if I work to manage my stress level, I will avoid flare ups, which can be uncomfortable.


   

WEW, I am so happy to hear this!

I am also doing a lot of self care and treating myself well.  It feels great, doesn't it?  I lavish love on oneself, making up for the love starvation when we craved our H's love and didn't get it.

Your rosacea is most certainly related to the repressed stress you are coping with.  You are most likely stuffing down righteous anger from your mistreatment.  If you can, read, "Energy Vampires," by Dr. Christiane Northrup.  She talks about being a partner of Cluster B personalities such as BPD and NPD. 

When my H raged at me, threatened divorce, destroyed my property, told me no one else would ever love me and called me b*tch and c*nt, I was so hurt inside and heart broken.

Now I see H for who he really is, a spoiled, mean little boy.  Behind that facade is the boy who had to endure playing second place in his uNPD F's eyes (younger brother was prefered over him), and who had to endure the poverty of the childhood in his uNPD F's house.  (His F worked a serious low skill jobs, was never ambitous, and yet had an enormous opinion of himself, and spend the family income on hunting and fishing trips, and golf club fees.)

I don't want to be my H's mother in any capacity.  H doesn't have a clue that I am pondering divorce from him.

He should be careful what he has asked for.

WEW, bravo to your list and bettering yourself!

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« Reply #7 on: January 07, 2019, 10:51:04 PM »

There’s so much we can do independently of our pwBPD to improve our lives and increase our happiness. Awesome to figure that out! 
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« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2019, 10:21:49 AM »

I actually had an "adult" conversation with uBPDh last night, where he was actually interested in my life (this rarely ever happens). He made a good dinner and I thanked him for it and validated his efforts. It really makes a difference when he's encouraged to be independent and take responsibility for himself. I'm going to do my best to celebrate the behavior I like.

I do think that you can't let them dictate or control the dynamic in the relationship. We hand over the keys so readily because we're afraid of the tantrums, but we really have more power than we think.
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« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2019, 10:27:07 AM »

I actually had an "adult" conversation with uBPDh last night, where he was actually interested in my life (this rarely ever happens). He made a good dinner and I thanked him for it and validated his efforts. It really makes a difference when he's encouraged to be independent and take responsibility for himself. I'm going to do my best to celebrate the behavior I like.

Awesome, WEW! By not enabling him and encouraging him to be independent and responsible, his self esteem is growing!

I do think that you can't let them dictate or control the dynamic in the relationship. We hand over the keys so readily because we're afraid of the tantrums, but we really have more power than we think.

Trying to avoid the tantrums by appeasing and enabling seems like the easy way, but it ultimately makes things worse. Yes, we do have more power than we think and the better our boundaries are, the less we need to use it.
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« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2019, 10:27:37 AM »

How awesome, WEW! Aren't those times nice? Definitely worth encouraging and celebrating.

I've been coming to the same realization as you: I can't give in to the tantrums and cede all control just to keep the peace. It doesn't work in the long run. There's a balance.

And that's an excellent list, LuckyJim. Thank you for sharing! A lot to think about there.
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« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2019, 10:50:12 AM »

Cat, that makes total sense. If you put yourself in the mindset of a child who is frightened by their situation - feeling abandoned, out of control, etc., then you can see how having a "parent" (or force of stability), lose it emotionally instead of being a pillar of strength, can send them into a panic. It's like having the floor drop out. And, if you're the person creating this fear for them, you are the subject of them lashing out in terror.

I find that the more power I take, the more ability I have to be compassionate. If I'm out of "power," I feel frustrated and resentful, and I cannot be of any help.
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« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2019, 10:50:39 AM »

Excerpt
We hand over the keys so readily because we're afraid of the tantrums, but we really have more power than we think.

Exactly, WEW.  I let my Ex steer the family ship, so-to-speak, which was a mistake.  I did have more power that I thought, though it took a while for me to start reclaiming it.  I had to reach a point where I was willing to say, "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead"!

LJ
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WitzEndWife
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« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2019, 11:22:35 AM »



So, sometimes my asserting my power and taking control helps. At the same time, though, I don't WANT so much power. He regularly cedes decision-making to me or wants me to tell him what to do, even in situations where it's not my place or my business. If I'm not firm or decisive enough, he gets frustrated and angry. If what I suggest or decide doesn't work out, it's my fault. Exhausting.

I think that's a good point too, understanding where your boundaries are and how much power you want to have. With my H, he's stuck at age 14 most of the time, so I think of setting boundaries with him like I would a teenager taking responsibility for themselves for the first time. I remember what that was like when I was younger, when my parents would say, "Well, you're going to have to figure that out for yourself." Now, I was always up for a challenge and an opportunity to be more independent myself, but it was still scary at times. You can be supportive while not taking over. The more they do on their own, the better they'll feel also. If they keep leaning on a partner for support, they'll never learn to be independent. My husband is almost 42. he's absolutely capable of handling things himself, yet he often expects me to make appointments for him and things like that. I bluntly refuse and tell him to do it himself. Whether or not he does it is not my concern. We have to avoid getting too involved and let them face the consequences of not taking action as well, even though it's hard to watch.
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« Reply #14 on: January 09, 2019, 11:42:47 PM »

I just posted something before I had seen this thread and I wish I had gotten to it sooner!

Good for you taking time for self-care. Everybody’s points here have been so poignant and already helped me out a lot.
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« Reply #15 on: January 10, 2019, 12:35:30 PM »

I just posted something before I had seen this thread and I wish I had gotten to it sooner!

Good for you taking time for self-care. Everybody’s points here have been so poignant and already helped me out a lot.

I'm glad you benefited from this post! I love how this message board helps us all!
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« Reply #16 on: January 10, 2019, 12:51:28 PM »

I think that's a good point too, understanding where your boundaries are and how much power you want to have. With my H, he's stuck at age 14 most of the time, so I think of setting boundaries with him like I would a teenager taking responsibility for themselves for the first time. I remember what that was like when I was younger, when my parents would say, "Well, you're going to have to figure that out for yourself." Now, I was always up for a challenge and an opportunity to be more independent myself, but it was still scary at times. You can be supportive while not taking over. The more they do on their own, the better they'll feel also. If they keep leaning on a partner for support, they'll never learn to be independent. My husband is almost 42. he's absolutely capable of handling things himself, yet he often expects me to make appointments for him and things like that. I bluntly refuse and tell him to do it himself. Whether or not he does it is not my concern. We have to avoid getting too involved and let them face the consequences of not taking action as well, even though it's hard to watch.

WEW, with my uBPD H, he is stuck at the age of three.

His is unable to see a past or a future--only the present.  He is truly only able to split.  He is very functional at work as a professional with high responsibility, but at home he is a tyrannical toddler with only two states:  utter contentment or rage.  In contentment (usually in the company of his adult children or immediately after visits with them), H is in a state of bliss with an intoxicated look on his face; in rage, only at me, he threatens divorce, name calls, and breaks objects.

Like your H, my H expects me to research doctors and make appointments for his health issues, and like a child, does not seem to appreciate my efforts.  He pays for the mortgage, but I pay for all of the utilities, half of the groceries and sundries, and countless other small things.  H flies into a rage and then says I contribute "nothing" to the household.
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« Reply #17 on: January 10, 2019, 04:13:23 PM »

Hey AW, Just curious: why do you research doctors and make medical appointments for him?  It sounds like something he is perfectly capable of doing himself.

Excerpt
in rage, only at me, he threatens divorce, name calls, and breaks objects.

This bugs me, because my BPDxW acted out in similar fashion.  To me, it's unacceptable, but that's easy for me to say because I no longer live with my pwBPD.

LJ
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« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2019, 01:49:26 AM »

Hey AW, Just curious: why do you research doctors and make medical appointments for him?  It sounds like something he is perfectly capable of doing himself.

This bugs me, because my BPDxW acted out in similar fashion.  To me, it's unacceptable, but that's easy for me to say because I no longer live with my pwBPD.

LJ

Sadly, many of use nons are caretakers to our pwBPD.
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« Reply #19 on: January 14, 2019, 11:32:15 AM »

Excerpt
Sadly, many of use nons are caretakers to our pwBPD.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) AW: Sure, I was a caretaker, too, which I thought was my job as husband.  It felt good to be a White Knight, and it seemed noble.  Took me a long time to grasp that care-taking is unhealthy for both care giver and care recipient.  It was a way for me to avoid and/or deny my own issues.

Now I strive to let people solve their own problems, which is better for me and better for them.

LJ
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« Reply #20 on: January 14, 2019, 03:02:20 PM »

Sadly, many of use nons are caretakers to our pwBPD.

Excerpt
LJ wrote ... .Took me a long time to grasp that care-taking is unhealthy for both care giver and care recipient.

I think that this "caretaking" we non's do for the pw/BPD, can be quite addicting after a while ... .maybe a way for us to hopefully secure some of their ever elusive "intermittent positive reward".

I've also been reading a lot about connections of codependency, and addictions ... .very interesting,

Kind Regards, Red5
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« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2019, 12:21:42 PM »

Yep. Once he told me he was thinking about cutting things off with his biological family and writing them a letter. He asked what I thought of that. I told him that I thought he should do whatever he felt was best and I would support him (I actually thought it was a bad idea but I knew saying that would set him off so I decided to try to be neutral but supportive). A couple of hours later, when he was upset, he accused me of encouraging him to cut off his family.

Back in 2011'ish ... .uBPDw's D30(something) got married to her second husband ... .the new MIL latched onto uBPDw's D30(something), with "gushing" FB posts, about her "new daughter" ... .this threatened and infuriated uBPDw, so she wrote a "strongly worded" email (insulting and aggressive) to her D30(something) ... .and before I could stop her, she hit the  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post) button.

And of course the "splash" was great there of'!

As the newlyweds read the same email account, the new husband had an expected reaction to subject strongly worded email ... .and subsequently returned fire with strongly worded personal letters to all the foo, uBPDw, uBPDw's mum, and both sisters ... .ugh ; (

The result was NC for five years! ... .initiated by D30(something) ... .

D30(something) "wrote off" her mom, ... .

I remember I tried to "warn" uBPDw before she sent that email, but I was also attacked for "taking sides".

... .myself and uBPDw had been married less than a year, ... .and I remember thinking to myself ... .this is a "bell weather" of things to come ... ."who does this"?

It was five years later, when uBPDw was diagnosed with stage iv cancer, and her S29'ish quilted his sister (older) into reconnecting with her mother (uBPDw) ... .as she was now very sick.

It worked,

D30(something) subsequently divorced her second husband at about the same time that she "patched it up" with her mother ... .

I could write novels, about the past eleven years of my relationship/marriage to uBPDw ... .

I'll never forget that night, as she re-read the email back to me ... .and I remember saying to her, ... ."don't send that!" ... .but she did, ... .and to this very day, she defends what she did, ... .unbelievable : (

I've had a few talks with both her grown adult children over the past few years, and they both relate many of the same experiences growing up, ... .the D(33) just deals with it, but lives on the Gulf Coast with husband #3, and S(31) says about the same thing ("I know Red5, mom is a pain in the @ss" he says) ... . he lives in North Dakota with his new wife ... .so they are many hundreds, and thousands of miles away from their mother ... .

I have a great story about the night before S31 got married, ... .maybe later.

Yes, blood is certainly thicker than water ... .or rum!

Be careful with all three !

Red5

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