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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Struggling with lack of closure/unanswered questions  (Read 413 times)
CharlieRose30

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« on: January 09, 2019, 07:01:49 PM »

The last few days I’ve been really struggling with the lack of closure and the unanswered questions. I feel as though by going no contact and staying silent, I’m somehow condoning the horrible and cruel way he broke up with me. That by walking away and leaving him be, that somehow he has ‘won’. I almost phoned him earlier because I started to feel so angry that for him there have been no consequences for his actions.

I uprooted my whole life to be with him, at his request. Then, when he didn’t want that anymore, I left. At the time I was so shocked at what was happening that I didnt get to say what I now feel like I need to. There are times that I’m so angry and frustrated that I have to literally talk myself out of phoning him and telling him how much he hurt me.
How do I gain closure during no contact? How do I ensure he knows that the way he treated me was unacceptable to me?
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« Reply #1 on: January 09, 2019, 09:31:19 PM »

Hi CR,

I feel your pain. My guess is you will never have full closure, which is why it’s so hard to understand and so painful. Write him a detailed letter of all your feelings, mail it to him and never look back. When you read all the posts on this forum t seems like none of us get closure. All of us are deeply wounded souls. At some point we all have to make the painful decision to move on with our lives without the one we felt was the one. My advice for what it’s worth is if you decide to move forward do so and don’t look back. Stay as strong as you can. Most days will be a struggle but if you can find your way out of the forest you will be better off in the long run. Is the constant conflict and rollercoaster ride worth it. Hang in there.
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« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2019, 09:49:32 PM »

I feel as though by going no contact and staying silent, I’m somehow condoning the horrible and cruel way he broke up with me. That by walking away and leaving him be, that somehow he has ‘won’.

there arent winners in a breakup. it is a significant loss that we must grieve, mourn, learn to live with, and then heal and move on from. and we do get there. you have survived breakups before CR. this may feel like another kettle of fish - it may feel that he holds the key to your happiness - he doesnt. you can heal from this.

having said that, i feel you. i felt similarly. my ex was lining up a new relationship before we broke up, i found out a bunch of other things, and (after i was a sobbing, non functioning basket case) i was exasperated by the injustice of it all. but your ex doesnt have anything to give you anymore - theres nothing to be gained. he could apologize, he could say nice words, and im sure none of that would feel bad, but the loss would still be there.

youll hear on this board over and over that "we give closure to ourselves", and its true; it only really makes any sense though when it happens, but it happens.

you dont show him his behavior is unacceptable. you live it. you invest in yourself, moving on, and healing. thats closure.
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« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2019, 02:53:21 AM »

I hear you CR30,

I have moments of anger, but my relationship was only short (4months) compared to yours. I didn't move to a new city, in fact my life is much the same as it was before the relationship. But I am not the same. I am becoming aware of some trust issues that were not there before. I have been virtually cut out of my exBPD person's life. I was in shock the week that she chose to split up, and although we met a few times, she did not give me the truth at all. By the time I found out about infidelity etc, she had cut me off and was blaming me for everything. I was in no state to process what was happening, but I was always being loving (if a bit desperate). Twice since then she has agreed to meet (at her instigation) only to pull out and start the blaming again.

I've never even had the chance to be angry at her getting in touch with her ex. I was too busy trying to save the relationship and build some trust. I don't think anger has been my issue, but maybe too much compassion for her hurt and condition, and not enough for myself. I just don't know how to reconnect and show her that. She has moved on without showing any compassion, guilt etc, something I can't fathom as I realise my trust in human nature is dented. Do you think this relates for your need for closure/feelings of anger?
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« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2019, 08:27:56 AM »

How do I gain closure during no contact? How do I ensure he knows that the way he treated me was unacceptable to me?

I think they know what they did was unacceptable. They are human and they know it's completely F'ed. It doesn't really make me feel better knowing this, and I guess it's possible im wrong but I doubt it.
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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2019, 09:30:44 AM »

youll hear on this board over and over that "we give closure to ourselves", and its true; it only really makes any sense though when it happens, but it happens.

I'd like to mirror and expand on what Once Removed has said here.

Many times, you must have heard or read about the one who decided to end the relationship providing or giving closure to the other person. While it does make sense, in my personal experience it is absolutely not necessary.

As the break up becomes less fresh and the wound start to close, and as you keep reading these boards, you will start to read about explanations and factors that could have played a role in your breakup as well; they'll click into your current perception and comprehension of what transpired like a puzzle piece. And each time you'll feel (in my experience) just a little bit better.

I don't know if she's under treatment or not but, if she isn't, it may be the case that she cannot give you closure because not even SHE knows exactly why she broke up with you. Fact of the matter is, it most likely has to do with her inner shame, guilt and self-hatred and, regardless of the fact you may have contributed to the breakup (we all do), it would be wise to consider whether you should take this personally and whether this truly was your fault. Could you have prevented this? Even if you could, could you have done so whilst staying true to yourself and your needs?

Stay strong 
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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2019, 12:52:49 PM »

CharlieRose30, I have been where you are time and time again. But if someone has BPD, it involves a lot of emotional deregulation. The way he sees things in the way you saw them is probably going to be very very different... I remember telling my ex with tears running down my face oh, my God you're rewriting history!

Many people thought about writing to their EX and then tearing it up or put it in the fireplace ... .in other words getting it out of your system without confronting them. I did that and I still didn't feel satisfied. The thing about people with BPD is, they Levon easily they don't dwell on things as much as a normal person would. He's not staying up at night going over how he screwed you over or how he mistreated you or what he should have done differently. In my opinion, he can't really handle the shame of it so closure for him happened when the two of you parted. I remember when I was just a puddle of Tears and telling my best friend it's just not fair it's like he got away with everything and I'm here struggling trying to come to terms. I never really confronted him on his BPD, I never really got angry, I certainly never told him really how much he hurt me. I didn't even let myself cry in front of him except that one time.
If you want to write to him and say everything that's on your mind I think if that would make you feel better you should. But keep in mind that there could be backlash to it, depends on his personality. You calling him out on things might make him paint you black, so to speak, which might be forever. Or he could just not read it. He does not want to take in what you have to say.
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2019, 01:50:25 PM »

CharlieRose Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

A year has went past and I still at times struggle with this.

But when I think about it, sending her a letter. It would be a form of venting but in terms of it doing anything beneficial, it is a waste of ink and paper. She never had any empathy or remorse during the relationship, a letter is not going to suddenly give her some about how hurt she has made me - it wont guilt trip her, if anything she would enjoy the validation that she did such a great job. So going NC is winning, it is denying that fuel.

OnceRemoved is spot on here about closure being something we cant seek from others. Any sort of contact can even stagnate closure and keep a connection open, even if our intent is "one last goodbye" and the message is an angry one, anger is not the opposite of love, it is still an emotion. Indifference is where we are trying to reach with closure.

Im not too sure about this "win/lose" concept either, it is too black and white thinking. It is how my ex would think, if she felt sleighted she would have to somehow to do something to rectify and 'win'.

The way to win is step aside from that, lose the ego and however hard it is, practice restraint. If there is any winning it is to sever this toxic cord and enjoy life without that person who caused this in the first place.

and if despite all I suggest you still feel you have "lost", you know in life sometimes we do lose if we judge stuff it that win/lose binary way.

Even if you do provoke him to see some shame, this isnt a good thing and it will be glossed over quickly enough by coping mechanisms they do all the other times it happens. How you feel is just part of the poison package, if you are angry and upset, that was the whole point of it all. At least what ive learned to do is not give her anymore the kick of spectating her work. That is already a small battle won.
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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2019, 04:31:18 PM »

Excerpt
How do I gain closure during no contact? How do I ensure he knows that the way he treated me was unacceptable to me?

Hey CR30, In my view, you gain closure when you determine that you did the right thing for yourself by leaving.  He's not part of that equation.

The reality is you can't ensure yourself of what he knows or thinks, because you can't control someone else.  Plus, it's doubtful he would ever accept your viewpoint, which is probably quite different from his.

Maybe it would be worthwhile for you to write a letter to us, rather than to him, saying all the stuff that you want to say to him.

LJ
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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2019, 05:12:43 PM »

Hi CharlieRose60,

Even if you do provoke him to see some shame, this isnt a good thing and it will be glossed over quickly enough by coping mechanisms they do all the other times it happens.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate with how difficult and painful a lack of closure is, you keep asking yourself why did the person break-up for me and you keep searching for answers. You have already gotten good answers with giving closure to yourself - the anger is a part of breaking up and can be good in the sense that it helps with detaching from unhealthy r/s's.

That being said, the condoning part that you said, you already know the answer if you press him for answers do you think that he will give you an answer and if he does do you think that he's going to blame you for it?
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« Reply #10 on: January 10, 2019, 05:22:44 PM »

CharlieRose30,
I feel the same. I could have written your post, replacing he for she. The lack of closure is so hard. It feels like unfinished business. In a normal relationship we could have had our say and hopefully have got things off our chest. With these BPD'ers... .it's more complicated. After having my exuBPDgf character assassinated me when she was projecting her behaviour onto me, I asked her how she would feel if I did the same to her. She replied she would not like it, she would not want to be on the receiving end.
My exuBPDgf has recycled her ex (the ex was in the wings ready to pounce). But my exuBPDgf is denying they have and are seeing each other. It is so blatantly obvious but still she will lie. It is so insulting.
I agree with the other posters... .the BPD-ers are so well defended... .they would split and paint us black and if we are still split black since they dumped us, their perception of what we say would probably be misread.
I am slowly coming to accept that no contact is best for us... .they are too unreliable to reason with, they are too well defended.
I think what is best for us is to love ourselves and make us our first priority. They have not destroyed us... .nearly but not quite!  I may write a letter and send it in the not too distant future but it will be measured. I wish you peace of mind CharleyRose30.
Conflicted55
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Learning from the Wounds of a Failed Relationship board is a place to post after the acute anxiety and wounds of breaking up are expressed and to learn about relationships, human nature, the difference between dysfunction and normal relationship difficulties, and how to make better choices.
If you are still in coping with acute anxiety and the immediate wounds of breaking up, please post on Relationship Ended - Break-up Crises
CharlieRose30

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« Reply #11 on: January 10, 2019, 06:19:48 PM »

Thanks everyone so much for your replies. It really does help so much having people who can relate.

It feels like unfinished business. In a normal relationship we could have had our say and hopefully have got things off our chest. With these BPD'ers... .it's more complicated.

This is exactly it. I've had break ups before, but nothing like this. I’ve come to realise from these responses that in fact, if I did try and get closure from him that I wouldn’t get what I’m looking for. I know it has to somehow come from me.  It feels so frustrating seeing him move on seemingly without a scratch or a backwards glance.

That being said, the condoning part that you said, you already know the answer if you press him for answers do you think that he will give you an answer and if he does do you think that he's going to blame you for it?

You're right. No doubt it would actually make me feel worse and he would point the finger at me again for the demise of our relationship. I also think that it’s too raw for me still right now, and I am scared I would say something I regret.

I think they know what they did was unacceptable. They are human and they know it's completely F'ed.

I don't know why this is so important to me right now, but it is.  Do they know? Somewhere deep down?

I think I’ve said this before somewhere, but the longer I go having no contact with him, the more my rose tinted glasses start coming back. I start remembering the great things about our relationship and how wonderful he could be. For where I’m at right now, this isn’t helpful. It sounds awful  but I think I need to focus on the horrible parts of our relationship and the emotional abuse that occurred throughout. At least for now, while I’m still so conflicted. I need to remember the relationship in its entirety.
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« Reply #12 on: January 10, 2019, 07:02:49 PM »


I don't know why this is so important to me right now, but it is.  Do they know? Somewhere deep down?

Id say so, but have to always consider the emotional lability of what leads up to making these 'abuses'.

Just as much as the highs of the r/s, can be rooted in a heightened emotional caring state, so it swings the other way too.

do they know what they are doing is wrong? yes but in there mind it is justified, because they were swayed so strongly by the emotional current. Remorseful, yes, but its back to what I said, it triggers shame and this generates a new wave of emotion that needs dealt with but lacking the means to do so, besides shutting it down.

If I didnt trigger this in my ex, she could ferociously hate me for something one night, then by the next day id be with her and it was as if nothing had ever happened, as long as it wasnt brought up.
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« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2019, 11:32:03 AM »

You're right. No doubt it would actually make me feel worse and he would point the finger at me again for the demise of our relationship. I also think that it’s too raw for me still right now, and I am scared I would say something I regret.

I really struggled with the lack of closure I completely understand how you would a reasonable answer. I think the key word is reasonable in cases where the partner quickly passes away the partner that is left behind has to give themselves closure.

The other thing that you said about raw - I think that no contact is appropriate here because it is meant for self protection if you have something to say perhaps wait for a day where you feel like you could say it without it setting you back your emotional welfare outweighs any needs that he has. Take very good care of yourself.  
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« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2019, 04:49:13 PM »

I could have written the original post myself. It's exactly how I felt and still do feel. I've even crafted emails, many of them, but I deleted them rather than send them.

When I drill deep down to understand what the point would be, most of them were venting, some trying to reason with her, others wanting to profess my undying love in a moment of weakness. I'm very glad I never sent any of them, because barring some miracle where she went through a year of therapy and came back to tell me she's sorry for everything and is "fixed," there's no good outcome. Period.

My lack of closure has to do with the fact that I was walking on eggshells and held back my true feelings, for fear of upsetting her or, worse, losing her. I have learned that in any future relationship I will let it all hang out, and I will not fear losing somebody as I set boundaries and pay attention to my own needs, too.

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« Reply #15 on: January 11, 2019, 09:24:56 PM »

CharlieRose30  Welcome new member (click to insert in post),

It was difficult to resolve conflicts because his BPD lense was not able to filter out reality.  They were mostly his conflicts that came up between us.  He would interpret something I would say as me taking a "poke at him", he would accuse me of looking at men in restaurants,  if I was too focused on watching a program he would get jealous and want to turn the channel etc.  Just a few examples but most of our attempts at these conflict resolution would go like this:

He would do the talking, I would patiently listen sometimes for 45 min and not say a word just sit there listen and do my best to validate. He was usually very appreciative of this and say so.

Then it was my turn to talk.  95% of the time I would have to remind him it was my turn to talk because he would interrupt numerous times throughout my turn. He would try his best to listen but wasn't able to. I think because his emotions would take over and he would have to jump in and interrupt me. Therefore, I would certainly not have my side of the story validated most times, so, totally one sided here.  He was able to successfully listen a few times and validate me which was fantastic but this was not the norm.

So for me to expect any type of adult conversation where we both exchange our thoughts on why we should end the relationship or stay together or any discussion on how the relationship broke down and achieve closure is just not a reasonable expectation.  It would be like expecting someone with a very immature emotional capacity to give me something that they are just not capable of doing.

So, I have to accept what is.  It's frustrating.  I don't know if he would ever "hear" me.  Especially if there is any emotional weight involved on his end of what he might be hearing.  And it's a lot of emotional weight for a person with BPD.  

I don't know if that helps.  I can only give you my experience.  With time it is SLLLOOWLY getting better.  The distance between my head and my heart is getting shorter and shorter.  I can feel it.

Tsultan
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« Reply #16 on: January 12, 2019, 05:18:51 AM »

Hi Tsultan

He would do the talking, I would patiently listen sometimes for 45 min and not say a word just sit there listen and do my best to validate. He was usually very appreciative of this and say so.

Then it was my turn to talk.  95% of the time I would have to remind him it was my turn to talk because he would interrupt numerous times throughout my turn. He would try his best to listen but wasn't able to. I think because his emotions would take over and he would have to jump in and interrupt me.


I cant recall if your ex was diagnosed with BPD, but some of this sounds  like bi-polar to me.
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« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2019, 11:06:19 AM »

Cromwell, 

My former bf was not diagnosed formally that I was aware of although, I am wondering if he was diagnosed at one point an has not accepted it.  After researching here and reading 3 books about it this is my conclusion,  It all makes sense now.  He is on full disability for a back injury through his work (he is a retired teacher) that story was never full clear but I did not press.  The story is that he lifted something in his shop class that he was teaching and popped a disc.  It was mandatory as part of the disability settlement that he see a pain doctor a few times per year and check in with the pain Doctor.  He is not on any medication for back pain or whatever else he has.

He goes to a P every other week, an AA meditation meeting weekly, another meditation meeting weekly, and AA meetings every day and 2 Al-Anon meetings per week.  He is very consistent will all those.  I have a hunch there is something he was not being upfront with me about.

I thought bi-polar was more of a manic type episode and then periods of depression when feeling on the low side of the disorder. 

I am curious what you see as bi-polar behavior.  Maybe e-mail me privately as I do not want to hijack CharlieRose30's post?   I am still learning the protocols here on this site. 

Tsultan

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