My thoughts and the insights of all the therapists I know

[FJM]

Hi guys. My name is J and im from Argentina.
First of all i would like to say thank god that this website exists, been reading it from weeks now and its very sourceful and makes me feel im not the only one who got out from a science fiction film.
Left my ex BPD month and a half now. We initially broke up by her deccision in November, but it lasted one week cause i
talked to her and gave her some winks in what she felt where some faults of mine in the relationship. We went back and it was fantastic/nightmarish for 2 weeks. She would tell me all i was the love of her life and the most caring guy and at the next
day ignore me or give me the silent treatment. In the begginins of it she told me she was in war with her whole family (her
mother is a monster and i think she has BPD to or bipolar or maybe both), and that she also suffered sexual abusement when she was a  little child. 2 weeks after we came back (November) i felt emotionally being brought to dust and i told her i couldnt go on anymore. Told her i love her and that ill be for her whenever she needs it. She then would come back charmin (unsuccesfully) 10 days later. Less than a month later she was having a long distance relationship with a redneck junkie 400km away and in the date that we would have our anniversary. I was soul crushed i couldnt believe that a human could do something like that. I would see her instagram and see her truly happy, not a mask, truly happy.
Im doing therapy from since 7 years ago cause i think it helps my growth as a man, and also i have 2 psychologist in my
family and a bunch in my friend circle.
I have wrotten down a 20 pages resumee of our relationship, and everyone of them told me that she is a BPD textbook case.
The last week after month and a half she blocked me from instagram out of nowhere (why that late? dunno that gets me
thinking), but i started to see the splitting in black in some of the ___ the puts out there in some social media. In 3 weeks i become from Romeo to Abusive, Manipulator and Narcisist. All the ___ she put me through she now projected it on me.
And this is why i write this. To give you guys my thoughts and the insights of all the therapists i know.
First of all i recommend you all absolutely that if your a grieving for a ex BPD breakup go and get some psichologyst number and go to therapy. It helps a lot but in the end its what you do with that, that gives you the real help.
For the ones looking for closure on your relationships, i believe that having the known that your ex is a BPD is the real closure for your relationship. It ends to that. Like it or not. Thats the real closure of the relationship. What the F happened? Well she has a mental personality disorder, thats what happened.
Second i went nuts thinking (and still i am) "all the ___ ive done for her, all i went through, i was by her side in every corner of her life to fight or be loving with her and now im the devil and she will never remember that". I think thats not what happens, im pretty sure that what happes is that they think that all youve done for them was for a evil purpose (manipulating them, abusing them), i dont buy the "hardware disorder" on their illness being that extreme that actually can repress memories that easily. I recommend to all to read Melanie Kleins (pioneer in UK psychology) manic defenses and reparations. Thats textbook what they do. Thats why they dont grieve like us and why when they come back the reparation they feel they need to do is not sane. Because its coming from desperation and not from a real guilt/depression analisis of themlseves.
The third thing if think is that when they come charmin for a recycle is because they dont have a stock of people to get
validation from. Ive seen my ex 2 weeks ago showing her tits and underwear while smoking a joint in instagram, something i
never believed that she could do but shes doin it. Shes fishing for males to validate her. And in the majority of the cases of BPD that suffered from child abuse their validation is about having sex, whith many they can. In that way they dont feel
trapped in a black hole, they feel attractive and in power. In my case, my ex is a beautiful 28 year old woman and i think that she already has got stock of male provisions for years and thats why i dont think ill be recycled, thinking logicly from
this side. The thing is when the years go by and they cannot get their prey. What happens with them? well we all saw the
percenteges.
Fourth, read that a lot of people here wonders if they are happy people. I think thay they are and they dont. First of all
because happiness are moments and not a everlasting mood. So i think when they get someone to get validation from they are "happy" (who needs that? NARCS), but in the end being validated is not truly happyness and shows how they overlap to narcissism.
I think we should move on, do the grieving of the relationship, they are out of our hands AND WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT. Thats the most difficult part of all and i struggle with that for everyday. And when i feel like sand slipping through fingers i
make my self the question, if she came back and she is magically restored to a "normal" person, whats gonna happen when you have a child with her?" Theres no more reality than that, and thats what hurts us too.
In the end. What we went through was not love, we came here to make my people better, yes, but not to save them at the cost
of our own sanity and health. Thats not loving, you dont eat  that kind of abuse for love, love is not that. And finally, the
only person that can fix the gap that their horrible childhood has, can only be fixed by their WILL and STRENGHT to make it
through (with professionals of course). We cant do ___ and that is that. We all here tend to think love always win, well
between healty and sane people maybe but this is not the case. The dragon here can be slayed only by himself.
I love you all, i struggle every ___in day of the week, miss her, comprehend her and even have some empathy for her.
We cant save them but at least we can save us from ourselves. Thats what im fighting for everyday, to be kind and loving to
me again. Hardest work for someone to do but we gotta.
Sorry for the grammar mistakes, i speak spanish.
Love you all
Hope this is helpful for someone (even to me).
 

[Beneck]

Hey there J.

I can see that you're someone who's done their homework. I'm 3.5 months NC with my ex, and as far as I can tell, she started dating someone 2 weeks ago. It hurts quite a lot and I can sympathize with your pain.

Reading your post was very interesting, and you have made some very good points and offered a very appreciated new perspective (for me).

For the ones looking for closure on your relationships, i believe that having the known that your ex is a BPD is the real closure for your relationship. It ends to that. Like it or not. Thats the real closure of the relationship. What the F happened? Well she has a mental personality disorder, thats what happened.

I think this depends on the level of severity. While it's true that BPD has played a big role in all breakups here on the site, I don't believe it always is the sole culprit. For instance, the relatioship that brought me here was my first relationship and, despite the fact that I did my best with what I knew, there things I could have handled better and better decisions I could have made. That's not to say I could have necessarily prevented the breakup or that it's all my fault, either, but I think that BPD is a just a factor (albeit a major one) that has a complex interaction with other factors, such as character compability, values, growth and outside forces.

Nevertheless, I do share your perspective on closure, to an extent. I don't think we need the person who broke up with us to give us closure, and they may not even know for sure why they did that (especially if they have BPD).

What do you think?

First of all i recommend you all absolutely that if your a grieving for a ex BPD breakup go and get some psichologyst number and go to therapy. It helps a lot but in the end its what you do with that, that gives you the real help.

\

I hear you. Really looking forward to going to therapy as soon as I settle down in my new job. Can't wait.

I recommend to all to read Melanie Kleins (pioneer in UK psychology) manic defenses and reparations.

Added to my "to-buy" list ;)

I think we should move on, do the grieving of the relationship, they are out of our hands AND WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT. Thats the most difficult part of all and i struggle with that for everyday.

Yes, it's very difficult. For me though, the fact that my ex is with someone else now, while it hurts me, it also gives me more of a reason to lose hope and eventually TRULY move on. It's a doubled edge sword, and so is hope itself ;)

I hope you stick around John. This is a wonderful site and has helped me a lot. There's a lot to discover and learn about relating to ourselves and others. Why don't you give the tools a try?

About not invalidating: https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

You can start here, and then check the rest!

Welcome!

[FJM]

Thanx for the reply and the welcome message my friend.

I think this depends on the level of severity. While it's true that BPD has played a big role in all breakups here on the site, I don't believe it always is the sole culprit. For instance, the relatioship that brought me here was my first relationship and, despite the fact that I did my best with what I knew, there things I could have handled better and better decisions I could have made. That's not to say I could have necessarily prevented the breakup or that it's all my fault, either, but I think that BPD is a just a factor (albeit a major one) that has a complex interaction with other factors, such as character compability, values, growth and outside forces.

Of course but in a normal and healthy relationship you can have that discussion. I came to the point where i was just exhausted of being Romeo and MrFix to only just have scrumbles of love from her. I symbocally felt like a dead horse pushing the most heavy wagon in the world. With no water no food no care. I had that talk with her. I told her that i felt tired and i needed some attention from her and that she would have to steer the ship for a time. She tryed, She made me lunch 2 TIMES and made my coffee every morning and that was it.

From what i know my replacement lasted 3 weeks. So she is now adding hundreds of profiles to instagram, just to get more followers (shallow child mind) and showing herself and her body. And after that the blocked me out of nowhere (and her profile is public). So i can say you this. The person that gave me a hug every morning before i left to work is no the same person as i described you in the other lines.
Dont worry but replacements bro, they are that, replacements. Sooner or later they are no more than "a something". BPDs are a graveyard of rejection, if you dont do it they will make that prophecy true.
From the other side, if you really think that she can get fixed and you want her to come back go out, hit the weights, get some new clothes. Do the homework and be the better you. In the process if she doesnt come back, others will.
The lesson here i think (and is the hardest of all, i struggle every minute), is to be a better friend to ourselves, to be carin of ourselves. Thats the lesson of this experience (i think).

Here you have some of Misses Klein work. You will find yourself and herself in every line of it.

https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/pdf/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2001.55.1.105

Cheers.

[Skip]

First of all I recommend you all absolutely that if your a grieving for a ex BPD breakup go and get some psychologist. For the ones looking for closure on your relationships, I believe that having the known that your ex is a BPD is the real closure for your relationship. It ends to that.

Second, I'm pretty sure that what happens is that they think that all you’ve done for them was for a evil purpose (manipulating them, abusing them

The third thing if think is that when they come [back] for a recycle is because they don't have a stock of people to get validation from.

Fourth, read that a lot of people here wonders if they are happy people. I think that they are and they don't [aren't]. First of all because happiness are moments and not a everlasting mood. So I think when they get someone to get validation from they are "happy" (who needs that? NARCS), but in the end being validated is not truly happyness and shows how they overlap to narcissism.

I think we should move on, do the grieving of the relationship, they are out of our hands AND WE CANNOT CONTROL THAT.

Thanks for sharing. It will be interesting to see what others think. 

[Sandb2015]

Good afternoon FJM, Beneck and of course Skip,

Thank you FJM for your insight, advice, feelings and heart.

I feel torn, perhaps in two individual and equal pieces... .

1) I think we rationalize after we have gotten strong enough to let go and we use that past reflection to heal. We somewhat demonize the pwBPD, the person that was our everything, our day and night, our old age and happiness wrinkles. We have to make them subhuman to make sense of it all to bring that sweet closure that we desire.

2) It's a struggle.  Most mentally healthy people will not hold on the way we do, I know the difference.  We hold on to many things, we think we are invincible and stronger than the illness for what ever reason (the enabler-the codependent) thinks they have what it takes, they were built for this hardship, pain as though it's a superhero quality. What is the breaking point and when do we say "f it", do we fight demonizing them, discarding who they are/were?


There are many success stories and and positive stories taking place now, they make me cry because I want that and I have a plan when "we" have a field by which to walk on common ground as to implement that plan.

I also know that may never happen and I may go the way of bitterness and extended unfinished business.

We want to figure them out and we ask the obvious question as rational human beings, what we get are emotional answers unique to the individual and more questions about ourselves and pwBPD.



I also know, I

[FJM]

Thanks for the the reply Sandb
In my particular case i was pushed too the limit. I been with her 2 1/2 years and the last 2 weeks of pull/push/silent treatment/ambiguity killed me. I couldnt do it anymore, i just felt that we came to the limit of my health.
Of course i miss her and sometimes i regret it. But also i didnt forget that feeling waiting by the phone cryin desperate for she to appear. For a sign. Like a junkie waiting for the fix. I just couldnt take it anymore.
Again, i love her to death and yes i miss her. But she pushed to many buttons.

[Sandb2015]

Limits are an individual thing, nobody else can see or know what they mean to us.  It's clear you know what they are. 

Do I sound like I have no clue what mine are?  Rhetorical question.

[Cromwell]

Thanks for the the reply Sandb
In my particular case i was pushed too the limit. I been with her 2 1/2 years and the last 2 weeks of pull/push/silent treatment/ambiguity killed me. I couldnt do it anymore, i just felt that we came to the limit of my health.

Hi FMJ, welcome and thanks for some really interesting points you have made.

health has to always trump - any - relationship. The order of priority cant be negotiated or even adjusted.

I did manage 3 years but leaving her was ultimately for this reason I had no choice but to leave her, it couldnt go on regardless of what I might have still believed I had wanted it to otherwise.

I also failed to realise just how mentally as well as physically the r/s was having as it was going along. A year and 3 months apart I can really appreciate the difference. That sort of stress induced push/pull and drama cycles can really screw us up in so many ways.

I find it very hard to rationally declare love for someone who at the same time can cause me such level of illness. Self-preservation if not self-love, has to kick in at some point. My only issue was getting better to the point of being then tempted into a recycle after feeling momentarily recuperated.

[FJM]

Sandb2015 in my case, my mind gave me the limit, it was getting way to twisted and the total desperation by the phone. I thought i cant go through with this one more day or i will go insane. I think that we dont have counsciousness of our limits until someday our body and mind say ENOUGH.

Cromwell when you say you beeing tempted for a recycle when u started to feel better. You mean that she made an approach or you felt that you have battery recharged to try a round2 if she wanted?.

[Sandb2015]

My apologies, I didn’t take into account how others have been tormented and I myself forgot how desperate I’ve been at times not knowing what to do or when and how an episode would end.

My apologies for being careless with my words.

Riding out my loves episodes were something I stressed about with high anxiety and I’m feeling I miss them right now.  We are apart temporarily now hopefully and I’m forgetting the confusion and helplessness from before.  It seems I’ve learned a whole lot from this amazing board with amazing folks.

[FJM]

sandb2015 No problem at all mate.
I struggle everyday with NC at not peepin her Instagram account. When i did it i felt a giant ammount of rush or adrenalyn, like opening a secret box or something like that. But that rush was always followed with a speedin anxiety that left me walking through my apartment in circles for hours, cryin and takin the anxiety pill.

My best for you my man.

[Sandb2015]

Thanks,

My on and off seeing eachother, short periods of NC, I have had that same fear based "thing".  I have a grasp of what it is now, pretty much the fear of being left behind.  As I think of it, many anxieties have subsided and I'm not letting giving up, I have a better perspective everyday (and tools).

Give yourself a break, don't look until you calm down.

[Beneck]

Hey FMJ

Of course but in a normal and healthy relationship you can have that discussion.

People with BPD tend to be less flexible, but at the same time, BPD manifests as a spectrum. While we cannot expect a person with BPD to able to have such a discussion as easily as a healthier person, it does get better (and possible) with the proper techniques, tools and mindset. At the end of the day though, being in a relationship with someone with BPD takes a lot, and entails assuming the role of the caregiver, more or less. That is a very personal decision that everyone must make for themselves.

I came to the point where i was just exhausted of being Romeo and MrFix to only just have scrumbles of love from her. I symbocally felt like a dead horse pushing the most heavy wagon in the world.

I can sympathize. The last period of the relationship was draining for me as well.

The person that gave me a hug every morning before i left to work is no the same person as i described you in the other lines.

I think that all people (including healthy people) are incredibly multifaceted and multidimensional, and are most definitely possible of actions that, at least seemingly, contradict each other.

Dont worry but replacements bro, they are that, replacements. Sooner or later they are no more than "a something". BPDs are a graveyard of rejection, if you dont do it they will make that prophecy true.

You definitely have a point here. The insecurity and fear of abandonment that come with BPD do tend to be part of a self-fulfilling prophecy. It is indeed the most likely outcome, unless she puts into it the amount of work required.

From the other side, if you really think that she can get fixed and you want her to come back go out, hit the weights, get some new clothes. Do the homework and be the better you. In the process if she doesnt come back, others will.

That's the plan. Will definitely do all of that, plus therapy. And it's likely that she'll come back. But unless she's worked on herself... .thanks but no thanks. By the time we communicate again , I'll have put a lot of effort into working on myself and going through MY issues. I expect nothing less from her.

The lesson here i think (and is the hardest of all, i struggle every minute), is to be a better friend to ourselves, to be carin of ourselves. Thats the lesson of this experience (i think).

Absolutely. At the end of the day, ourself is the one thing we can never truly lose, the one thing that will stay with us for life. By taking care of ourselves, we can also ensure we're properly there for the people that love us and whom we love. It's a difficult lesson, but a vital one.

But there's something else... .I think that such an experience teaches each individual something different.

I already was aware of the need for self-care (I have gone through depression). What the relationship taught me was the importance of assuming responsibility for myself and the urge to take a good, hard look inwards and see why I did what I did, why I was attracted to this person in the first place and what I could have done better.

https://psychotherapy.psychiatryonline.org/doi/pdf/10.1176/appi.psychotherapy.2001.55.1.105

Thanks. Downloaded ;)

Cheers.

Right back at' cha. Thank you for sharing your perspective.