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WorriedMom54

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« on: January 11, 2019, 05:59:37 AM »

My daughter is 20 and was diagnosed with BPD 2 years ago.  Over the past few years she has called herself gay, dated girls and boys too. Recently she told me she is trans and wants to start the process of transitioning.  She has talked about having a full hysterectomy for over a year now. But she told me that was because she didn't want children. As a child, she never showed signs of wanting to be a boy. I'm worried that due to her BPD, she may regret making any changes.  She is easily influenced by others and watches Youtube videos if people wanted to change their gender.  She is only able to work part-time so she lives with her dad and me.  Has anyone else been through this? How do we know the difference between her just trying to find her identity due to BPD and her actually wanting to tansition?
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
FaithHopeLoveKC
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« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2019, 06:46:52 AM »

Good to meet you wm54 but sorry for the circumstances. It must be terribly frustrating and confusing for your daughter and you to be dealing with questions of gender identity on top of BPD. I am no expert on the subject but I do have trans friends who went through the process. They had to have a complete psychological evaluation, along with a whole lot of other things that took some time before any doctors would prescribe hormones let alone do any surgery. These safeguards are in place to make sure people don't do the sort of thing you are worried about. So maybe that is good news? Are there any psychologists neat you who have experience in this area who might be able to evaluate your daughter?
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« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2019, 01:34:01 PM »

i want to join FaithHopeLoveKC and say Welcome

Recently she told me she is trans and wants to start the process of transitioning.

this is big news. how are you taking it? how did you respond?
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« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2019, 01:38:37 PM »

Hi WorriedMom54

I would like to join FaithHopeLoveKC in saying that the first step, should your daughter be serious in this, is for her to be professionally evaluated and probably offered counselling too. It must be a real worry for you, I imagine you are probably thinking back, trying to find clues, I know I would be.

How serious do you think your daughter is about this?

Sending you a hug  

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Ps. once removed posted too while I was still writing x
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If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading ~ Lao Tzu
WorriedMom54

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« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2019, 06:16:02 PM »

Thank you all so much for the information.  I am in the process of finding her a new therapist.  This is how the subject came up with us.  She told me she wanted to change therapist and then told me why.  I listened and hugged her and said her dad and I love her very much and that I'm glad she told me.   

I am glad to hear that there is some in depth psychological evaluation that goes into this change.  I know there are people that it is the best thing they have done and others who regret it.  Deep down I'm sad and hope that she doesn't do it--just the feeling of loss for me.   I will not tell her that but will support her however we can.   

In answer to your question about how serious she is about it, with her having BPD I have trouble distinguishing which identity issues are caused by her BPD and what is a deep down need/desire.  I pray a lot for guidance.  That gives me peace.

According to my research, most people show signs of feeling like they are labeled the wrong gender at a younger age.  That is definitely not the case for her.    There are probably people who come to the realization later.  I am just now learning about all of this.   I am very happy that she opened up to me... .I don't want to say the wrong thing to her.

I will take a look at at the FaithHopeLoveKC website.

Thank you all so much!
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WorriedMom54

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« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2019, 06:20:35 PM »

Oh, I misunderstood.  I thought FaithHopeLoveKC was an organization.  DUH! 
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« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2019, 11:24:52 PM »

Oh, I misunderstood.  I thought FaithHopeLoveKC was an organization.  DUH! 

  nope, just a part of the family here! i hope that youll stick around as part of the family here too. experts will tell you that a strong support system is critical, we are a fun bunch, and you can learn a lot!

tell us more about your relationship with your daughter. are things good, otherwise? you mentioned she was diagnosed two years ago, im wondering how she took it?
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2019, 06:06:07 PM »


I can understand this as well.  My dd 26 is a lesbian.  When she was 5 years old, she expressed that she wanted to be a boy.  She wore boy clothes and was never the "girly" type.  She went through a few changes of that over the years, choosing to wear dresses and stuff when she was about 8 or 9, however, always went back to wearing "boy clothes".   We had always wondered if she had gender identity issues.

We knew she was gay even before she did.  When she "came out" to us, she was in 8th grade.  She was shocked when our reply to her was "we already know that". 

Throughout high school she dated girls only.  I had often wondered throughout the years if she would ever want to transition to male.  She does not.  I've asked, and she said absolutely not.  She has zero desire to actually be pregnant with a child (no motherly instincts whatsoever), but does desire to find a partner that will allow her to have children someday.  Of course they wouldn't biologically be hers (unless they harvested her eggs), but she would never do that.

I agree with the others that there would be extensive psychological tests to determine if she would be a candidate.  All you can do is support her, and if that's something she desires, let her seek that on her own. 

Keep us posted!
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