The love of my life - II

[Sandb2015]

As I feel more capable by educating myself, I do see where I could have put a blanket on instead of gasoline on the fire.  That does bring feelings of regret and guilt. I’m dealing with that.  At the same time, I feel closer to her because of my understanding and want to be better equipped for her, us and myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

I’m feeling many things and I’m becoming aware that I am exhibiting some of my loves symptoms.

I’m not a jealous guy, you can’t control your partner.

I’ve never had an abnormal amount of paranoia, but what I am feeling is the sense that her sister and brother in law and mutual friend are being warn out enough to cut me off, I know it’s unreasonable and probably untrue and I don’t even know what their limitations are. They understand only that she is wrong which isn’t necessarily a good feeling, I want them to see and feel what’s happening and frankly, they can’t.

They try and they know me and my intentions and have been badgering her to stop mistreating me, overlook or get past her focus on my insignificant past or her ideals.  Pure reasoning and logic.

She’s as stubborn as can be, perhaps another word is better, can’t think right now.

I wasn’t aware of these issues before, she did warn me she is suspicious, slightly paranoid and trust problems.  I had no idea and the fact that she does have awareness is amazing and just takes it as an understanding of herself.

I poked a sleeping and hungry bear with insignificant things to me, not her.  I thought being nurturing, sharing, patience, understanding would be a quick path to relieving those issues, not
My intentions were always pure, I love her, I’ll do my best for her and her son, etc.

I’m limited thinking just having good intentions was enough, she will see what is not always apparent.  As much as she was relentless in her pursuit of my past in order to label me in our relationship, I didn’t know it would be a bottomless pit of digging to catagorize me and paint my picture so she can perhaps devalue me and attack.  I thought when I could escape the questions and be absolutely honest instead of wondering why she wanted to know such ridiculous things, I was giving her closure on many matters she worried about.

Essentially, she would really blow up about the fact that I am doing everything else I’ve done in past relationships and will eventually get sick of her, just float along until something better comes and just give up, leave, lose interest.

About a year into this relationship I clearly saw her sabotage, her self fulfilling prophecy and I told her it’s destructive and that I won’t give up as she keeps needing to.

I know I’ve been devalued to a crushing extent, I know I’m not the terrible things she has labeled me.  What I do know is I have insecurities , self esteem issues, some trust issues and they aren’t mysterious or confusing, just there and almost always aware of their effects on me.

I knew my love for her, my connection, my intentions were all the right ingredients to grow together in an intimate way that I haven’t had the desire before to confront my demons to share with another, it just wasn’t there and I did just “go along until things fell apart” or was in relationships I had no real intentions when I was in.

I’m guilty of knowing what I’ve done and with that, this relationship was the opposite in every way.

[Sandb2015]

I feel compelled to write her a letter, as you guys can see, I find keeping things short difficult and my mind just flows with thoughts and ideas.

I want her to read what I wrote, it’s hard.

She hasn’t blocked me, iPhone system let’s you know with the green color. I broke down and sent her a simple text, “I miss you”.  My paranoia states she will or definitely would have blocked me as she is suffering us in some way.

I’ve been giving the advice here and elsewhere that this time apart could be my friend and hers.

I don’t want to stir things up, I think a letter could be meaningful.

On the other hand, she might have completely moved on with malice in order to escape the things she can’t confront.

[once removed]

i think at this point a letter would likely flood her.

what i would suggest is writing out what you want to say and posting it here.

[Sandb2015]

I was not aware, she did tell me outright she has trust, suspicion  issues.  I thought with my arrogant ideas of patience, understanding and acceptance, I could counter those feelings and thoughts.

[Sandb2015]

Why do I feel this anxiety, this sense of extreme urgency?  I go through stages of trembling and it's all a mental to physical thing.  I haven't sleept in a week or so, just a few hours a night, just enough food to keep me moving.

Is it because i'm afraid there is a window that's closing, the time apart is giving me the impression that she is "building a case" against for her comfort?

Any ideas?

[Steps31]

I tend to ruminate and I found this video helped me A LOT
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0k7y6ikkwEY&list=PLa3Ll9dKtRVc-uvby6huzLDxb3TCxPlkp

[once removed]

Is it because i'm afraid there is a window that's closing, the time apart is giving me the impression that she is "building a case" against for her comfort?
Any ideas?

thats probably part of it. i know i had a tendency to be in my partners head, and in my extremely anxious state, i probably wasnt on the mark. its also easy for me to see now, that every second that went by was not "time running out". anxiety just tells us it is, and that we must do "something", even if it sabotages our goals; its more about the need to soothe that overwhelming anxiety. you really dont have to do anything. what is true is that every second is time you can spend learning, and more importantly, taking care of yourself. those are the productive, constructive things you can do right now.

I haven't sleept in a week or so, just a few hours a night, just enough food to keep me moving.

it is also this, and i cant stress that enough Sandb. when youre depriving yourself of food and sleep, your body operates on that incredibly anxious level, and it only gets worse.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you, I know this overwhelming feeling of urgency is anxiety to want something, answers, just a something to hold on to.

2020 and Weejie,

I appreciate your sharing, I am overwhelmed that others have very similar circumstances.  I know how difficult it is to share because others don't see in the "outside" world and writing makes you see what the reality is about what has happened, is happening, may happen.  It's tough and I have trouble going into details about my love because I still want to protect her from the world.

My writing here of what I feel comfortable about has shown me past my shortcomings and the problem as a whole.

I know I will be devastated if we can't get together, I know I'm devastated now knowing that my love could most likely have a personality disorder.

I'm mostly devastated that her potential disorder may be the thing that pushes me away.

[Sandb2015]

Resentment is creeping in complicating my feelings even more.

I need to separate me from her, I want to cap my feelings in order to examine them.  I want to stop putting myself in her shoes (nobody can).

I don't do angry well and I need clarity, not more confusion.

I'm meeting her brother in law tonight to eat, he asks that we not talk about her, actually last sunday he spent 4 hours with me and he didn't know the details his wife does and I assumed he did.  I ended up sounding like I was bashing her.  If he knew, I might not have sounded that way because he said that he's only hearing what she did to me and how much I love her, I was crying on and off for 4 hours and cried going home and at home.  He gave me the impression that she is upset, sticking to the story that I ruined her life and I need to give her time.  I must say that he is being or was doing his best to be objective, which given the fact that I don't particularly like him, he is a stand up person.  I know her sister is frustrated, sees us as something beautiful, knows how difficult she can be and has probably heard the details of all my wrongdoings  and how unacceptable they are to my love.  I know there is a breaking point all around, the family has pleaded with her, out of country parents, her close friends.  I believe the constant is that she can't take it, the relationship is so difficult after I ruined it.

I look forward to continue posting here regardless, I think if we are together it will be something that will cause great stress to her I think.

I'm trying not to project as to what other people are thinking and feeling, I'm afraid to be cut off further from her and I fear her sister and husband may stop wanting to discuss this at all.  The sister is the key, she is trying to relate to me that we are finished, can't trust me, all trust is gone (WHAT TRUST ?) and the sister is still trying to give me hope because she may know her sister better.

There have been discussions that the cultural difference may also matter being she is here 17 years and will not date her own nationality.  I was brought up in a very large city and have mixed it up with every nationality, nothing is foreign to me.  It sounds like excuses.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you moderators, I know this thread will be long, I have too many thoughts and emotions and don't want to crowd the other threads... .This is far from over.

This is the only placewhere I can express all my stuff


Okay, had dinner with the brother and law, he's kind, very diplomatic.  He states he doesn't know too much, I try to believe him, why not.  He's telling me she is "not ready", I didn't ask about that, it would just feed into my "obsession" with everything. As mentioned before, I don't really like him, he probably doesn't like me either and I want to be with my loves sister and brother in law just to keep the connection of hope alive.

He also mentioned strongly to "be cool", I asked him for details about that and he was just trying to tell me to think about myself it seemed.  The whole time I was looking for some indication that there should be hope, I didn't see one way or the other.  They aren't cutting me off and I haven't have any contact with my love since a few days ago, I sent a text unlike my usual epic texts... ."I miss you"... .no response.  I'm trying to "stay cool" whatever that means.

On a different note, my job was going well 12 years ago and took a catastrophic downward spiral over the last 2 years which added to our home stresses financially. I missed so many days at work due to getting kicked out, woken up at 2am to hear she had a dream and it was real, go sleep in another room... .she would come in the other room and start devaluing me for an hour or so later leading up to being thrown out with no sleep etc. Sometimes being awakened at 6am or so  to some serious anger and blasted for my past and how it ruined her life, she can't accept it (I had relationships before), she said she can see me having sex with my exes and it's my fault, get out, you have 30 minutes to pack... .these things happened with frequency and sometimes I didn't budge and things worked out, others I felt compelled to leave, most of the time I met at her work later and came home to hugs.  I was looking for employment in "our" state, I was working in another state with a terrible commute and besides needing something more stable, more lucrative, she thought I was staying where I was to "keep ties" with my past.  The truth was and she knew it, I wanted to provide better and be closer to home, I hated coming to the neighboring state to work and my job which was sometimes a safe haven among the chaos at times is now a place I am releasing all my hate of my situation and I'm barely holding on until a good job comes. I won't make a desperate move and I'm only looking close to where me and my love lived.  I want to think it may work out and the worst case is I end up working in that state and finding a place there.  I went from a 22 mile commute that took about an hour with $15 in tolls to 50 mile 1.5 hour commute in the opposite direction of where me and my love lives/lived.  I'm living on a futon with my Aunt and Uncle in their 70's now, loving and kind, traumatized with my situation and I don't belong there.  I've always been a loyal and consistent employee, my bosses and owner value me and I never had an idea that I could be fired, another person in a similar situation would have been let go, I'm lucky except for the steady and devastating income.  I think of other people suffering with it their loves who may have it worse

I cry all the time, work, commuting, before sleep, in the shower, writing this, waking up, stopping for coffee.  I was struggling to quit smoking and I was doing well, I smoke more than ever now and I have no sanctuary anymore... .just my positive flashes that I'll find the good job and take rely on that as a positive base to restore my life to some manageable degree

I'm disgusted and filled with hate, my favorite music in my car makes me sick.

I'm angry and obviously hurt and want desperately for my love to know AND FEEL what she has caused instead of all the things she said such as, my past has ruined her life, her thoughts are there because of me and she has determined that the consequences are I should be mistreated to no end, over and over.  What this illness is and what it does must be one of the worst things to happen to a person who truly loves another person.  I know I would die for my love, I just shouldn't be killed because I do.

[once removed]

i think "stay cool" means the kind of advice youre getting here. dont chase, or flood her.

its okay and even necessary to get it all out here on this board. i was a non functioning basket case, but i had good advice and feedback, and my ex never saw what was going on with me one way or another.

[Sandb2015]

I appreciate this board existence and everyone on it in a way I can't describe.

I want her back, I need to be cool and I will, I want her to think about me and the truth is she may not.

I can't control her wanting to reach out, loving me even a little, thinking how much life together is possible.

I will not flood her with my overabundant drowning sea.

[Sandb2015]

I have lost something I never lost ever regardless of the trauma, my sense of levity in the face of absolute devastation.  This is scary to me.

[once removed]

things will get better SandB, but not if we arent taking care of ourselves.

are you eating more? sleeping?

[Sandb2015]

I'm broken, I fight tears while eating, I go to sleep sobbing.  I try hard.

Thank you.

[once removed]

you might try melatonin for sleep. i did, and it worked like a charm. not only that, but my body was in such a bad way that the effect was like an antidepressant for a while.

[Sandb2015]

I can sleep when I'm not ruminating, I just don't sleep deeply and melatonin has negative effects on me, tried years ago.

I have an appointment with my primary car physician on 1/28, she's conservative and I may have to beg for Valium or clonopin, I had a different doctor a few years ago that gave them to me, I took the smallest dose, 2 or 3 times a week during some rough times and didn't feel compelled to need them often.

I hope I don't have to tell her the whole story.

[Sandb2015]

I've been glued to this board everyday, all day.  I pulled my back in the last few days somehow and I couldn't sleep and woke up in spasms, lots of pain today. I was happy for the diversion, the distraction, it's not.

I'm thinking of all the crazy concessions:

My love didn't like the clothes I had while with my ex, she thought she bought them or we bought them together in some passionate way, fun way, memorable way, not true of course, I bought them separately and some before my ex.  Besides throwing of some things here and there, she wanted all those clothes gone.  I bent and said, pick out the clothes that you feel bother you, she said I should know which clothes we bought together... .and I should do it right away.  I threw out some I knew in my head, she wasn't satisfied and threw out the rest.  I don't have any summer clothes.  At the time I thought I was fulfilling her need, that need was never fulfilled.  At the time I just wanted to get over with it, get new clothes together so she would smile.  When she threw me out, she kept my winter stuff she bought and said I don't want you to disrespect the next woman wearing clothes she bought.  I got them back passed through from the brother and law dinner together on 1/10, I felt bad for him and let him know.  He said as he gave me the bag, that she's not ready. ? That was a long ride home with 2 songs repeating the whole ride back to my Aunt's house.

Black-Wonderful life
Demis Roussos-Good bye my love

Really a long ride... .

As part of the purging of things I had with the ex, my laptop, she knew it and I threw it out, I didn't know I had old pictures, I thought I deleted them a long time ago, I did't and she went into the garbage after and that became another unspeakable thing I had done, had a past but now with images, that was a hell day and I didn't get thrown out for?

I was thrown out because an old ex texted me after 6 years saying her daughter was in trouble, attempted suicide a year ago and she was going down again and asked to see me and maybe I could help.  I've had the same cell # over 20 years... .  In order to regain trust (constant reminder my love can't trust me, I'm a liar, everything I say is a lie) I let her know right away and she wanted me to send a text back, F you, I don't care about you or your daughter.  I responded, please don't contact me anymore, I have my own family now and I can't help.

That was when I was thrown out badly, my love even went through my stuff and ripped up cards her son gave to me in confidence about being happy with me, grateful for me and hope I stay around. 

I'm just thinking, venting.  I realize she was getting worse and she knew she was getting worse, she said it, she was tortured by it, said she is killing me and she can't get over the images.

We had that discussion so many times and we got past it temporarily, she struggled and won, sometimes not, I saw it and fell in love even more because of it.

I've read the posts regarding someone with BPD having/not having the capacity to love, it was mixed with opinion and clinical studies with no real conclusion.

She did love me, she may be thinking of me now or completely moved on in haste, running so far out of pain and frustration from the struggle.  I am dying to reach out even after looking back on the craziness only because she struggled and wanted something great.

My birthday is in the beginning of Feb, just a few weeks away, I wonder... .

[Sandb2015]

I broke down last night and sent a text.

I miss you.
I care about you.
I know you are hurting also.
I love you.

I was shaking, expecting something negative. I feel like I’m breaking the law or something...

I know she saw it, I’m not blocked.

No response.

What’s wrong with a simple text ?

Everyone is saying, “give it time”.

[once removed]

What’s wrong with a simple text ?

youre in a state of a breakup, Sandb. shes signaled that she wants space. her brother, who knows her well, indicates you should give it.

at a certain point, if we ask for space, and someone doesnt give it, it can feel clingy, demanding, disrespectful, intrusive.

no one is saying "give it time". the message is "give her space". it is not a guarantee that she will change her mind, but not respecting her space is guaranteed to push her away.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you Onceremoved,

I can’t stop ruminating, I have myself, with this disease, you have yourself, the loved one, this board and maybe a therapist.

Right now as much as I’m dug in here, I only have myself and I’m questioning everything, this is terrible.

I’m meeting with her close friends, they don’t understand, they think highly of me and she has shared that I am the love of her life, her last man,

They don’t understand and they won’t send her messages or confront her at my request.

I just want her to know I believe in her, I’m not giving up, waiting.

It kills me that she may not even be thinking about me, moved on, dating site, etc.

[Sandb2015]

She would question that I’m shaving because I met someone at work. She would pre accuse me of being weak for a woman or seeking attention and getting it and leaving her at a new job I didn’t even get yet but looking for desperately.  She would give into her “intuition” that was fail safe, special powers that I want to go back to someone in my past.  The suspiciousness, paranoias and insecurity was beyond.

I was reading a text from her sister a week ago... .

B. called me to say that she is so tired of all this. She said that she doesn’t want to suspect you, dig into her doubts and suspicions, or interrogate you any more. She seems to have completely lost trust in you, and she said she would continue to do those terrible things if with you, regardless of whether or not you are always honest and sincere. She just wants to put an end to all that. She told me that she knows your love, but she cannot take it. This is what I heard, and I felt her frustration and pain. I just want to leave her alone. She IS tired.

Btw, she isn’t thinking about dating another guy. She had a foolish idea of telling you that just to make you give up on her. She is tired of the whole man thing.

Please tell me what you guys/gals think? Please

[once removed]

digging into this with and confiding with her friends can be intrusive too, Sandb. it is very likely to get back to her.

i understand the hurt, Sandb, i do, ive been there. so i also know how great the urgency is right now to not do anything that is going to sabotage your chances here.

B. called me to say that she is so tired of all this. She said that she doesn’t want to suspect you, dig into her doubts and suspicions, or interrogate you any more. She seems to have completely lost trust in you, and she said she would continue to do those terrible things if with you, regardless of whether or not you are always honest and sincere. She just wants to put an end to all that. She told me that she knows your love, but she cannot take it. This is what I heard, and I felt her frustration and pain. I just want to leave her alone. She IS tired.

Please tell me what you guys/gals think? Please

i think this is where she is at right now, and that it is a major indication that she needs space.

[Sandb2015]

Yes, thanks.

The urgency, the anxiety is extremely high.

She knows what she has been doing and she can’t see past it. Her explanation is she can’t take her issues and what it was doing to me.

I know she cares, even in a skewed way which doesn’t sound as bad as some stories here.

[Weejie]

I'm maybe not the one to talk, Sandb, as I've put my foot in it today. However, I can relate to how you are feeling. You are reeling inside. All the thoughts are asking yourself where you went wrong, wanting to put that right.
I have mostly been resisting the urge to try and expedite the process, because it usually hinders instead.
My loved one does appear to be in a lot of turmoil right now. She is sitting at home watching movies. It hurts me that she is having such a difficult time and the natural response is to want to comfort her. However, like your situation, the message I get is that time will heal. My negative, pessimistic side (not prominent, I am usually positive and optimistic) feels that time might make my love move on if I don;t express my own feelings for her. It doesn't work that way, though. It just overcrowds her. So, excruciatingly painful as it is, you have to hold back and let time work its way. I woke up yesterday (Monday, I'm in Scotland) and actually felt less pain. Was feeling more able to go about my life. Lo and behold, my love phoned. Things were actually going well, until I put my foot in it again. However, she has just texted me saying that she was sorry for losing it.
I'm trying to say that you should hold out. Give her the space and try (hard I know) to avoid negative thoughts about doing so. You have done nothing wrong except give in to your impulses and natural caring ways. Nevertheless, you are dealing with someone who thinks and feels in a very different, often unfathomable way. Try and learn how to approach it. I'm doing the same.

[Sandb2015]

Weejie, thank you, you pretty much nailed it.

My love is stubborn , excessively so.

She has never had a relationship worth spit, all terrible and I wonder why, I don’t wonder, I know. They were like ours minus the bond we share, I know. A terrible marriage, cultural and a prized child and very strong family pressure kept the marriage going. Nothing past 90 day relationships, she would joke nobody lasts more than 90 days.

I have hope as a base, but I’m painting over her with some of the more terrible stories here and thinking it’s her, it’s not.  She has some definite symptoms, there’s no doubt. I’m grateful for this board and I’m diving in a little too deep and at times convinced she is “this” and will do “that”. I’m treating this board like a place to learn and learn some more and also a template to my specific situation, not good. It’s creating a bit more negativity.

Thank you again, you guided me through the fog for a bit, a good bit.

I will read your post several times.

[Sandb2015]

A glimmer of hope?

Yesterday after being advised against from different areas... .I drove to my loves work and at first thought she was ignoring me... .it's a Martial Arts studio/school.  When she saw me, her face went sad and told me she is training and working late, she was apologetic.  She asked why I was there and I said I just wanted to see you... she wasn't cold or distant, she had a sadness without anger.  She apologized a few times and ask I come back on Thursday, she has some stuff to give me, mail, etc.  I said I'll stay and not take her time after work/training, it was late and I knew just seeing her felt good.  I waited and she didn't seem resistant to me at all, not distant, not angry, not upset.  I walked her to her car, I bucked her belt, kissed her cheek and went to my car about 50 feet.  Tuesdays were our norm, this was a ritual for 3 years.

After saying goodbye, I went to my car and she got out, came to my car --first time ever! I saw her coming and expected the worst (more of the worst).  She asked if I will come Thursday if I had time (I have all the time in the world these days), and reached out to hug and we hugged strongly.  I walked her back to her car, we kissed, I held her hand, she reached out and held mine and asked that I text her when I arrive back at my Aunt's home were I'm staying uncomfortably. I texted her, she texted me back.

That was the first time I've seen her in 12 days and 12 days ago it was terrible at her birthday dinner on 1/3.  I thought the worst that night and continued until last night... .

Against all advice, I reached out, didn't receive any response from texts in the last 12 days.  Last night was strange for me, I didn't know what I was going to get, I actually thought the worst and couldn't wait one more day, my "everything", insecurities etc, were playing on me. I followed my heart, I followed my gut.  I felt like every time before, she would actually think I abandoned her when she kicked me out only to ask why I left.  I felt the need to show her I have not left (mentally) and she is who she has always been to me.

I don't know what is ahead ( I feel positive), today, I feel the negativity creep back and I'm trying to shake it and I think I'm balanced- It will be tough, I hate my job, It's not a place for the timid or distracted and I'm desperate for another job, sending resumes every day.

I kept my talk very simple last night (virtually impossible for me, I'm overly wordy) and seemed to connect and I just didn't want to be pushy, I am the one that just showed up.  I feel like I made a connection.

I'm ready to validate, we didn't talk much yesterday, we'll see.

On a side note, I read here how much the word "but" causes so much chaos for a pwBPD, we would argue relentlessly about it and I would beat her up about proper grammar, vocabulary etc, I was a arrogant dingbat.  I overly use it to make my "points".  I am having that word surgically removed from my gray matter after posting this.

Feedback, opinions... .all welcomed... .

[Sandb2015]

I realize I have my own resentments, they aren't so bad to let go of and I know they come from me holding on to BS, build up of my own BS.  I know I've been holding them against her.  I know how invalidating I've been. 

Looking into myself has given me there rare opportunity to see her for who she is instead of us being one heart, mind, body.  I would project so much on her, my thinking, my philosophical BS, my brighter side.  These were demeaning to say the least.

I am not letting her off the hook, I just need to remember what intentions are.

My intentions are spectacular (in my mind) and don't translate well, I have to change how I translate my intentions with the tools I learned here.

Her intentions... .I would always think a rational mind knows everything eventually, ridiculous on my part.  I can't project good and bad intentions, it was a way to justify my arguments, moods and most of all reactions.

[once removed]

you threw a hail mary, and it worked. success rate is rare, but sometimes these things do work. its a positive development.

now, some major challenges are before you.

she will almost certainly have some doubts. she already did. she may pull back, either a little or a lot. you will need to be very strong in the face of that, and not over pursue. let her lead the course and pace of this, at her comfort level.

the old relationship conflicts are still present. you will need to find ways to resolve them.

if things get off the ground, within a few weeks there will likely be some tests, some obstacles. she may express her insecurities, fears, doubts. you will need to do a lot of listening, keep an even keel, and not react, but be a benevolent, strong, pillar of confidence.

you havent been in a place to take the best care of yourself in the past several days. your mental and physical health need your attention, or all of the above will feel like climbing a mountain.

[Sandb2015]

Thank you Once Removed,

Yes.  It's a punch in the guts to hear the rarity of reconciliation, that stings... .

I know the possibilities of her wanting to reverse what happened last night, I also know Thursday could be a disaster with all her ability to do the "running and fleeing" with "cause" and just reinforce her push/pull stance in the extreme and I'm emotionally screwed again, not as bad as the last 12 days, true.

I was able to not get stuck with just the negativity even if it has a lot of reality attached in that last night.  I was thinking to wait until my birthday on the first week of Feb. to see if she'd reach out and I couldn't imagine suffering it out.  As I said, with all the other times, she would convey as to why I actually left, why didn't you just come back and so forth.  I'm pretty sure that because I haven't made an effort to see her and sent just one or two simple texts, it reinforced her thinking that I did abandon her and would probably never reach out because I didn't "pop up".  Her close friends (very close for someone with the symptoms), have no idea we broke up and I wonder why she didn't advertise it, I'm thinking it would make it more real to her.

My heart is broken, it's not broken enough, is has a long way to go and I can't determine the direction here and I do know that sitting around won't facilitate anything other than the fact that in her head, I gave up.

I have 3 major issues right now:

1) Living with Aunt and Uncle in their 70's, no stress, little comfort, I'm safe in every way and commute is barely tolerable.

2) My job/income has dwindled to nothing over the last 2.5 years, looking for another close to where I used to live with my love.  I need stability in employment, it's always been my bedrock during rough times/emotional times.  This added to our relationship problems, she has a financial burden and it fell on her a lot, I was helpless and I was cowardly about communicating how bad I felt to not be able to provide better/more, wouldn't help much.  A good job will give me the confidence to withstand whatever lies ahead as a stable point.  I also need to prepare if me and my love reconcile, I can step up financially to gain the confidence in my life and share it.

3) My relationship.  I want to spend my life with her, I have envisioned growing old and actually see it, better times, growing spiritually, emotionally and taking comfort that only a couple could know.  I can't control, I can do everything I can until there is nothing left and I am positive that there is so much to fight for and I hope her struggles lead her to a slightly open door that can stay that way and move a little, just stay open.

#2 and #3 is tightl intertwined, a better job will boost me in so many ways.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Weejie]

I'm very pleased for you. Long may it continue.

[Sandb2015]

My mind is playing tricks on me now.  I'm thinking she is not thinking/feeling the way she was last night and it's giving me stress.  I'm fearful of the cycle that may or may not be happening.  Did seeing me inspire something good/great? Did sleeping on it inspire the the things that make her cut off? Yuck!

I need to stay positive and hope what she was feeling last night may be the crack in the wall that will help her, help us, give me the opportunity.

We would have honest discussions over time and of course I never took them with the seriousness they deserved... .That she would feel great and secure mostly when we are with each other and when not, her mind would go into imaginary land to think I'm seeing someone, flirting, being weak from some woman's attention.

Sp I'm thinking that without seeing me physically, she steadily reinforces her delusions.  When she sees me, it clears the fog a bit, I'm convinced of that and last night may be proof.

[once removed]

Sp I'm thinking that without seeing me physically, she steadily reinforces her delusions.  When she sees me, it clears the fog a bit, I'm convinced of that and last night may be proof.

Sandb, i think it would be a big mistake to attribute the breakup to her having "delusions". she had legitimate reasons for the breakup, and they are likely not gone, and you will need to see them and treat them seriously, because in order to get this back on track, you are going to need to resolve them. she has some idea of how much she struggles in relationships. shes afraid that that may be unsustainable.

it is likely more complicated, in that she felt conflicted; its not as if she wanted to break up, but had to. seeing you appealed to the side that didnt want the breakup.

I'm thinking she is not thinking/feeling the way she was last night and it's giving me stress.  I'm fearful of the cycle that may or may not be happening. 

what happened last night is a very tentative situation, Sandb. anyone in her position would likely have some doubts the next day. staying positive, without taking actions that will benefit you going forward, will not be enough. whats the plan?

[Sandb2015]

It was just a glimmer, no discussion of getting back together or anything, just a connection she still has.  No anger, just sadness and the look of guilt.  I didn't do or say anything to challenge, a little tear here and there, that's it.

Nothing concrete and I won't push, hopefully seeing me more with my new mind  will show her something and show herself something?

She is still not responding to texts, simple statements, "have a great day", no response.

I will see here again tonight without request, she requested we meet tomorrow.  It was such a great chance I took yesterday after 12 days and I believe my effort of going there and driving very far to where I sleep is showing her.

I will fight every cell to be who I was last night, to see and do what is needed.  Little talk last night, I can't wait to validate something.

[Sandb2015]

Once removed, thank you.

What I meant as delusions were the ideas of untrue and impossible things to prove she would think.  I know now that validating is important, I won't label as I have and I don't know what to call them "here", definitely not to her or anyone else.

Validate! Do the opposite of what I've been doing.

No JADE, did that mostly as well.

Simple and light until I need to validate.

We were like two damaged people, damaged in two very different ways connecting with each other.

I see how fragile the situation is, my dukes are down, my antenna is down, I'm not "waiting and reacting" anymore.  I have nothing to prove and I can see her as a separate entity I have no control over.  I only have a smile for her and simple responses, I'm treading very lightly here.

[Sandb2015]

Asking her to get back together, it's too soon, eating together, maybe.  Just enjoying each others company to establish something more comfortable.

I don't even know how to break the ice without waiting for her to say something.

[once removed]

What I meant as delusions were the ideas of untrue and impossible things to prove she would think.

i understand. i think she on some level, knows that too. she mentioned to her sister that she would do this if she were in another relationship.

theres a lot of shame and pain in BPD. it is hard on a person with traits of BPD to be in a relationship. its hard on their partners. most of them are aware of that on some level, which is doubly hard.

but that awareness doesnt mean that she will not continue to accuse you of those things. dealing with a jealous partner isnt easy. we have a workshop on it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

Validate! Do the opposite of what I've been doing.

it is true that people with BPD traits need an extra dose of validation. dont confuse it though, for a solution to every conflict. learn, in general, to "not be invalidating". learn also, not to validate the invalid.

so whats going on? have you spoken to her today? she asked you to text, right?

[Sandb2015]

She asked me to stop by her job On Thursday, we both leave work early.  I'm going tonight, She knows I work late that's why she asked me to come on Thursday, today I'm leaving a little early to see her at work.

Correction, my love told me and her sister this would happen no matter what, with anyone, the difference is, I love her and I have faith in myself, her and us.  I know what this is and I have a good grasp to move forward and deal well in almost every way.

She did not ask me to text anything other than when I got back "home" and I did, she said' "OK,thank you, have a good night". first something in 12 days other than to tell me to leave her sister alone and she's going on a date (far fetched).

I texted "good morning, have a great day"---nothing

Later "hope your leg feels better"---nothing

I'm still thinking of perhaps a round 2 from last night, one day before her request.  Seeing me is so very different.

[once removed]

she asked you to come tomorrow and youre coming tonight?

I texted "good morning, have a great day"---nothing

Later "hope your leg feels better"---nothing

 

slow down.

[Weejie]

She did not ask me to text anything other than when I got back "home" and I did, she said' "OK,thank you, have a good night". first something in 12 days other than to tell me to leave her sister alone and she's going on a date (far fetched).

I texted "good morning, have a great day"---nothing

Later "hope your leg feels better"---nothing
I'm still thinking of perhaps a round 2 from last night, one day before her request.  Seeing me is so very different.

That might tell you something. She responded to you when you did as she asked. Not when you texted off your own impulse.
Go easy. Don't overcrowd her. Maybe better to wait until Thursday.

[Sandb2015]

Yes, she asked me to come by Thursday “if I can make the time or have the time “

I work late tonight, leaving early to just see her, she knows I work late tonight.

I’m looking for us to have the trouble we had, she always said when I’m not around, I should be, she feels better.

I want her to see the effort even if she doesn’t and I’m not holding it against her,

[once removed]

no response to two texts is a major sign to back off.

there is a difference between showing effort and flooding her.

show strength here. the strong move is to keep cool and give her space.

[2020]

Hey Sandb2015.

It has been a while. How is it going for you now? I am hoping you are not suffering as much as you were. I have been quiet myself as things have calmed down a lot and it is almost as if none of it never happened. Strange... .Hoping you are experiencing the same.

[Sandb2015]

No, things are a mess, I will post more later, I'm figuring out the real ups and downs here.  I run to her and she gravitates towards me so I keep running and same until it's not. 

I can see clearly that using the tools here such as validating is powerful stuff, not giving into my own impulse to JADE which was my base.  I t feels good to step "outside" my norm to not JADE.  She acts a little different when I recognize her feelings and not let the words cut, it's just feelings of frustration and struggle and I try to address those feelings even when the words don't make sense.  I have always used my best mind to counter the words and bring her to clarity, my unfair clarity about perspective and what I presumably know is a "better" for us, how arrogant.  Iv'e been clear to her that I did't recognize her feelings.  Validating her and listening to her feelings, seemed to have a calming effect on her and me.  I haven't seen her as her own person, It's hard, I am starting to see that she exists without me in this world and as much as I love her, she has to exist outside of me.  That is beyond difficult.  It is like letting go and hoping she will still be there without my claws dug in for dear life.

[Sandb2015]

My general anxiety is less now, very tough transition... .  I would send a text and start feeling palpitations and a higher sense of sensitivity and anticipation of a response, no response and the imaginary bs involved with what it may say, always imagining the worst most hurtful reply and start ruminating, desperation, negativity over and over, torturing myself, just torture based on my own mind.

I feel less stress now, It takes a mountain for sure to see that she is not someone I can control or put thoughts in her head, I still keep hope attached that she as an individual person with her own mind and heart and issues can fight and win to have us together because my plan is healthy if she can.

In the meantime, I've been pushing like hell, smothering her and it worked for a little while until she started the "push away" and I validated, didn't react like I used to, it's exercise and I can do it, it has a positive reaction in terms of slowing down and lessening the episode.  She is struggling with many non real world issues involving us, that is how she feels.  She thinks she is one of the many, she talks about the influence of my clothing from an ex, she thinks she is a rebound (we're together almost 4 years), she thinks me keeping in touch, seeing each other is holding us back from moving on, she blames me for everything wrong with us, she can't have a relationship and wants to know who I will go back to regarding exes, do I want to date, my family must think she is horrible, she can only be alone etc... .lots of projections and I am quiet or validating which calms her or doesn't boil the water.  She says we love each other, loved each other and it was all my fault, remaining connected to my past, no closure from my past, being so nice as to leave an opportunity for them to contact me if they want etc.  I listen and kinda filter through the words to hear feeling and validate, I get a different reaction from her, no acceleration in anger, voice, more hurtful things.  It all makes a difference.

The insult... .she says when I end it, it ends, I never want to see that person ever again, cut forever.  She is referring to me and she takes pride in her "strength" to end things.  I know her history, she stated it, 90 days and that's it, not sexual also.  She has really thrown some guys under the bus badly, they had no idea and are still cursing her probably, she would laugh.  We are together (past month not) about 4 years, everyone knows me, likes me, very conservative family really appreciates me knowing how difficult their daughter is-told to me in confidence and she is reverting back to her 90 day guy thing.  I know she is doing everything she can to go to that "protective" place she goes to justify a cut, I'm not one of those guys in reality, I am in the inner circle and not some secret 90 day guy. 

She is in struggling mode, back and forth.  Not a heavy pull, not as much heavy push, more words than actions.  The first night she invited me to her home to eat after seeing her two nights in a row, she said she is confused. are we friends?  I said no and smiled, she smiled also.  She wants to run and I'm not making it easy.

I'm a "better mess".  More repaired to act/react in a healthy way.  Sometimes I feel I have a pliable, healthy, content Labrador  on my lap and other times an old angry and hungry, beaten junk yard dog.

I love them both, they are the same , please excuse the analogy, I would never refer to a woman as a dog.

We have spent some days together, went over her home, saw her son, ate together at her home with son, we were intimate, so normally awesome, no serious talking, just some family issues we discussed like two connected people, we were happy during those times and it wasn't the time to talk about us issues, just enjoy and tread lightly and be prepared for that time to come.

Last night on facetime, she says I shouldn't say that we had a great day, she didn't (mood switch), how do I know how she felt? She said she take pride in her consistency and her behavior with me is absolutely inconstant, she says there was no goal spending time together after really enjoying the time obviously.  So contrary, so contradictory.

I understand her struggle after a great day for both(real, not my imagination), she feels good and doesn't like it so the case building against us being together starts up to fight the connection she may feel.

I will be just a little less smothering, I will still push to show her that I am not going to disappear as she is convinced.  It's not easy, I have to see her as a person I love apart from me.  I can't control what she will think or do.

She only initiated once on Sunday night after I told her I am staying at a hotel close to where she lives on Sun and Mon night, she blew me off Sunday and called me Sunday night, very pleasant and easily made plans for Mon (yesterday).  Great day, from 9:30am-8:30 pm, great conversations, were intimate, drove her to work, hung out and drove her home, no problem until late, the change, the regret, her thought of associations with the imagined... .I got clear and validated, went along without humoring.  On the phone back at the hotel, more of the same, now a little angry about going to a hotel near her, forcing her to act different than she wanted, throwing money away.  Many little things she could come up with, she said she didn't enjoy anything, I should stop try to get back together, she feels sorry for me and guilty, I forced her guilt... .same old but with me and my new tools, not really a explosion, quick calming, she got really tired, she is struggling, I know.

I can't change anything, I just know how to not make it worse.

Everyone says give her time and space, don't crowd her.

I disagree, I will give up on her if I break away as a security measure and will build my own "real" case and I will regret forever.  Out of sight, out of mind for both of us filled with regret and too many insecurities to reach out again.

I can't imagine staying away will help us, I can't push too hard, I know.

I can't read her mind, thank god, I just listen to how she feels... .it's this way and that way and she sways back and forth, I remain a steady as possible.