Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
January 19, 2019, 03:28:42 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed, Radcliff
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familar, Flourdust, Mutt, Turkish, Woolspinner2000
Ambassadors: Enabler, Feeling Better, formflier, Insom, Only Human, RolandOfEld, WTL, Yellowpearl, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Register to post Here  
bing
Expert insight for adult children
101
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
How to spot a liar
Pamela Meyer
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Having a non-diagnosed BPD mother  (Read 128 times)
SciNerd

Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 3


« on: January 11, 2019, 11:25:40 AM »

I've known since I was 13 that my mom was overbearing, and not like other moms. That's when we first started fighting, I was coming into my own and starting having my own opinions. She and I disagree on almost everything I believe, feel or do. The disagreements aren't like others, where people can agree to disagree- I was forced to submit to her beliefs and apologize for having my own. I learned to manage her, to not tell her what I was doing, to be agreeable and calm. This last year however just about took both of us over the edge... My step father died suddenly, someone who really understood my mom, helped her with her guilt tripping and loneliness. He would talk both of us off the ledge after she would rage at me for hours. With him gone, no one was there to keep her in check and thus began my spiral of self doubt, guilt, and anger. I went to the doctor in the summer and my blood pressure had skyrocketed (as someone in their 20s, not exactly expected). I told her the story of my most recent fight with my mom and she directed me to a therapist and assured me it sounded like BPD, which I had never heard of. Turns out she fits the description to a T, and this information has given me some of my power back in my life. I hate that no one but my fiance knows, and that my family is being made to think I am a horrible child and she puts on her happy face around all of them. I hate that I can't tell them what hell I have been going through with her, and to share some of the burden I feel with them. I'm an only child, I am the only person she feels she can be herself around (as she tells me often)...So I feel this intense burden to keep her going, making her life better as she did for mine before I was 13. Anyway I'm just hoping maybe there are people out there that have felt the way I felt, like giving up on your own mother and just running away from it all, but knowing you never could.

-Only child of a *suspected* BPD mother.
Logged
hotncold
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 128


« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2019, 12:45:48 PM »

Hi Scinerd,

I'm sorry about the loss of your father in law. It must be hard for you and the rest of your family and hard times do tend to bring out the worst in pwBPD.  Having a undiagnosed BPD mom is a rollercoaster. I've been re-negotiating my relationship with her for six years now, and with the help of the rest of my family things have gotten a lot better, even if I still go through very difficult moments with her. While the bad moments have gotten less frequent, and found quicker resolutions, the good moments have increased. But I did go through six months of silent treatment from her when I first started redefining the relationship where I essentially established that abusive behaviour would cause me to leave.
You say that you are alone in your family and frustrated that you can't tell them. I never told anyone in my family about it, and in the end I did not find it necessary. We could just as easily discuss her behaviours and how we needed to respond to them without talking in abstract terms about BPD. I used to also feel alone because I was my mother's scapegoat, but I realized that when I feel in distress or upset that I have every right to reach out to other family members and have found them to be responsive. I had to work on allowing myself to be vulnerable with them, which was something I had worked hard not to do because my upbringing always meant that vulnerability openned you up to attack. Anyway, as you navigate different situations with your mom I would encourage you to keep posting. It has been a long and hard path for me but I am at a place where I can say that my relationship with my mother is better than it has ever been in either of our lives - which is not to say that she doesn't have her traits, I just know how to better protect myself from them and look after my own needs.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Other
Posts: 10809


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2019, 12:16:20 AM »

I'm my experience,  also as an only child,  puberty was a huge trigger for my mother.  Sure,  I was am argumentative teenager,  but it was more than that.  Children should never be burdened wth managing their parents' emotions.  This is am unhealthy and dysfunctional role- reversal.  The term for this is covert or emotional incest.  Does any of this feel familiar:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

I'm sorry that you lost your dad,  and your mom her husband.  It's of course normal and healthy to support family with love. It sounds like,  however,  that not only are you feeling burdened with continuing your old role,  but also that you are expected (implicitly) to take on the role of her emotional caretaker which your father used to do. That was also dysfunctional, but it was their relationship and their business.  You don't have to be a proxy spouse.

I sense guilt. You are not alone. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Notwendy
********
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 5451



« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2019, 06:29:28 AM »

You are not alone. Although I'm not an only child, I can relate to your situation as my BPD mother has convinced her FOO I am a terrible child to her. They maintain there is nothing wrong with her. It's embarrassing to be around them knowing what they think about me.

While my ( deceased ) father was ailing, I think they and my father assumed I would continue to be her emotional caretaker, but she was very abusive to me and I could not take it. ( nor should I). My father had taken on the role of your stepfather, and also enlisted us children in that role as well. Our family revolved around mother's needs and wishes. I decided I would not take that role. My parents were angry at me for that.

It is sad to see the splits and divisions in my FOO due to this, but I don't want to be a doormat to her, and that's what she wants from her children.


Logged
Violet00

Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 8


« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2019, 03:57:38 PM »

Hi SciNerd, I want to say I know that as an only child it feels like there is no one to share this burden with. I think it’s great that you started seeing a therapist. I think it is also important for you to have a support system- friends , your fiancée -People who know what you are going through. A lot of times people with bpd are very skillful at manipulating you so that at some point you start to believe their version of truth and reality and I think having some other perspective on your relationship will remind you that you are not the person that you are scared your mom portrays you to be to your family. I also think that even if your family doesn’t know she has bpd  if they are familiar with her rages they Don’t take what she says about you for granted..
But I think grounding yourself and having a perspective on your relationship from therapist, family and friends  will somehow ease the guilt and shame of being “the horrible child”
Logged
alphabeta

*
Offline Offline

Person in your life: Parent
Posts: 46


« Reply #5 on: January 17, 2019, 12:26:27 PM »

Hi SciNerd,

I share your experiences of being the only child of my mother.

The emotional incest started when I was 11 years old, and I quickly found that the best way to relate to my mother was to go along with what she said and felt (even if I didn't agree with her).

She was emotionally abusive with my grandmother and wife, and I finally put my foot down after my wife told me she wanted a separation, and told my mother that although she can feel offended by what me and my family does, there are certain actions which I will not tolerate.

The extinction bursts that followed was extremely unpleasant (physical abuse, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, suicide threats, and abandonment threats), and I didn't stick around to witness the actual extinction of her behavior.

Now I am going very LC with her (just emails and texts).  It is currently difficult me, because she gives me constant guilt trips for being denied contact with the "angel in her life." 

If you can gradually reduce contact with her, it might help you guys ease into a more healthy relationship.
Logged
Turkish
Senior Ambassador
*
Online Online

Gender: Male
Person in your life: Other
Posts: 10809


Dad to my wolf pack


« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2019, 01:13:44 PM »

I was reading somewhere about a story of a family from another culture. You don't question Mother.  Ever. They said that their mother tested positive for hepatitis.  When they were around family meals, the mother would continually dip her utensil into the common meal dish.  They all felt uncomfortable and didn't like it yet no one dared say anything. 
Logged

    “For the strength of the Pack is the Wolf, and the strength of the Wolf is the Pack.” ― Rudyard Kipling
Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2018-2019 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
2020
_EndofLine_
12years
40days_in_desert
99tesla
agapanthus
AKV
alphabeta
anafili
AnalogGuy
Angie59
AnuDay
AskingWhy
aslowrealization
At Bay
babyducks
Baglady
batcon
beatrixkiddo
BeenThereB4
bestintentions
BetterLanes
bgg2745
Bittlecat
Ble55ed
BobbyLongshot
BodieMarie
Boll Weevil
btfly745
BuckeyHusband
busybee1116
Caco Canepa
Cat Familiar
chayka
chillamom
Chosen
chump
Circle
cj488
ClearPath
coworkerfriend
crestfallen72
CryWolf
defogging
devnid
Dignity&Strength
DivDad
Dkandyk
drained1996
Duped 1
eeps
eggshelldad
Ela2011
Elpis51
Enabler
Feeling Better
Fie
Firstintime
foggydew
ForeverDad
ForeverDevoted
Fossil49
Francesca92
freespirit
Gagrl
Gemsforeyes
gettingoverit
gloveman
Good2behere
gorges
gotbushels
Greta1988
Hadenoughtimes4
HappyChappy
Harley Quinn
Harri
heartandwhole
hope2727
Hope80
Hopeful15
Hyacinth Bucket
I Am Redeemed
IamWoman
Iloveher
jdc
JeanGenie
Jerome Finn
JNChell
joeramabeme
jones54
Jonthan
k-bliss
k54
kabunk
Klera
Lbjnltx
Learning Fast
leenlou
Libra
Long_term_dad
Lostinthedesert
Lovelycat
Lucky Jim
mama-wolf
Manifest32f
Maniplus
Maple
maried
Markey
MARS22
MeandThee29
mims
mmelibrarian
mousemat
Mousse
mraa90
mscj
Mustbeabetterway
Mutt
ncDaisy2
needPeace
no_more_guilt
Northern girl
NorthernGirl
Notgoneyet
OffRoad
Only Human
otherlife
Pam Letgo
Panda39
pcglee
peaceandlove
PeacefulMom
Pina colada
pjmanley41
purpletrixie
QBert
qcarolr
Radcliff
Recycle
Red5
Reforming
ReluctantSurvivor
RJ2018
Rocko
RolandOfEld
sadandlonely
SamwizeGamgee
schwing
SCM
Scottie345
scrambledbeans
sdyakca
seahorse
seekerofgrace
SerendipityChild
SES
Shawnlam
Skip
sklamath
Solidshadow
spero
sterlingblue
Stevenson
stimpy
SuCanDo
Sumsaam
SweetCharlotte
Sweetpea18
takingandsending
Tattered Heart
Teno
terranova79
theschnitz
Tinkerbelle
trappeddad
TRB
truthbeknown
Turkish
walkinthepark247
Want2Know
wendydarling
WhatJustHappened?
whirlpoollife
Whoad
WileyCoyote
wilting
WindofChange
Woodchuck
Woolspinner2000
yamada
zemara
Zen606
zoome46

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!