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Author Topic: First time here.  (Read 106 times)
Robin28
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« on: January 12, 2019, 10:19:34 AM »

Hi everyone,

After some time considering my relationship with my sister and my struggles with her,  I have finally come to acknowledge that it's not just me, and she might present with some with borderline traits. I have also finally decided that I am ready to do something proactive about managing my difficulties around my relationship with her. I had the "Walking on Eggshells" book in my amazon cart for several months now and will finally be purchasing it and reading it. I also came across the information for this site in the acknowledgements of the book and thought I would check it out.

Thanks Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2019, 10:31:47 AM »

Hi!  Welcome

I am glad you reached out and posted here.  You will find as you read that you are not alone.  We all have a family member with suspected or diagnosed BPD so you are in the right place. 

What sort of things do you want to learn about?  What do you have the most difficulty with in terms of interacting with your sister? 

I hope you share more of your story and in the mean time settle in, explore, read and jump into other threads.  We all get it here and can listen and support you.
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     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
Robin28
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2019, 05:05:28 PM »

I'm not sure what I am looking to learn exactly other than perhaps get some clarity around some of the interactions that I have with my sister. And, how people sort of deal with interactions. I think I'm coming from a place of just being relieved to meet other people with similar experiences.

I think the thing I struggle with the most is the feeling of always walking on eggshells around her and this feeling that nothing I do is ever enough. I can't ever state my needs in our relationship; everything is fine if I go with her flow (although she would say it's the other way around) otherwise there is an issue. And, I find her to be a really rigid black & white thinker so it's not like I can talk to her. She makes a lot of generalizations ("you always do this, you never do this"). Although the one generalization I will make is that I've never had an apology from her, I'm fairly certain. When we were younger and into our twenties I had a way of approaching her and working things out. And because in the last few years, I've stopped doing that, there's typically never any resolution after our disagreements.

What pushed me to finally get proactive with either reading or reaching out was a small fight, not even the largest one we've had. But it was just the same old tired accusations and defensiveness from my sister and I came away questioning myself and my role in our interaction. I set a small boundary and said that I would be more comfortable hearing something from our mother instead of her (I have repeatedly asked her not to speak on others' behalf and she has bullied me at times by telling me that our whole family has some negative opinion of me) and it just went from there.

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« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 05:16:19 PM by Robin28 » Logged
HappyChappy
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« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2019, 06:00:00 AM »

Hey Robin28, Welcome to the forum,
struggle with the most is the feeling of always walking on eggshells
What helped me with this issue, was truely accepting that there was nothing I could do about it. A BPD will always find fault. However, you can change your own behavior, so you need to get to the stage where it doesn't bothering you. Start by noticing how a BPD triggers you. They are expert at this, and tend to go for you weekest points, over and over. If you don't trigger, in time they give up and find someone easier to wind up. So learn those triggers, and don't reveal any more weaknesses / annoyances to them. Note a BPD will be very guarded against giving out any information you can use against them - you do the same. They want to be around people the can easily manipulate, to get what they want. That why the do it, to get a rise. So learning techniques like “medium chill” where you basically don’t show much emotion to their provocation. It take lots of practice, so start now.
clarity.. on interactions that I have with my sister. And, how people sort of deal with interactions.
For me medium chill has been the simplest and most effective, so a good place to start. You simply avoid taking the rise from your sister. Present as emotionless, but do acknowledge what she says and don’t lie. Simples.
« Last Edit: January 13, 2019, 06:06:21 AM by HappyChappy » Logged

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« Reply #4 on: January 13, 2019, 07:11:44 AM »

Hi, Robin28. HappyChappy has given you some really good advice. Harri has also asked some very good questions. How are you feeling right now? We hope that you’ll open up and become part of this community. It’ll help. Just a little FYI.
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Harri
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« Reply #5 on: January 13, 2019, 04:47:59 PM »

Excerpt
get some clarity around some of the interactions that I have with my sister. And, how people sort of deal with interactions. I think I'm coming from a place of just being relieved to meet other people with similar experiences.
Well, you can get all of that here.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

It is hard to be in a relationship with someone who can't consider your needs and even see you most of the time.  Everyone has some of the behaviors seen in BPD but those with it engage in the behaviors even more and the behaviors are pervasive.  

Excerpt
What pushed me to finally get proactive with either reading or reaching out was a small fight, not even the largest one we've had.
I can relate to this.  What got me to say no and get away from my mothers daily abuse was something small and insignificant in the grand scheme of things.  It was enough and it was time.  I was ready to make changes.

Often when we change the way we respond to these sort of interactions, they can be pushback.  It is not a conscious thing, rather something people will instinctively do to get things back to the original state.  So after setting boundaries there are what are called extinction bursts that we just have to ride through by standing firm and not going back to the same old behaviors that kept us repeating the same old dynamic.

HappyC said:
Excerpt
What helped me with this issue, was truely accepting that there was nothing I could do about it.
This is a very powerful realization.  We can't control them, we can't fix them we usually can't get them to see our side of things or even to see us as individuals.  Take this as an opportunity to work on you, learning about the behaviors associated with the disorder, see how they have played out in your relationship with your sister and learn the tools we offer here to improve things for yourself.  

How are things with your sister now after the argument?  Are you still talking with each other?  Do you want to maintain contact with her?
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     everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way. ~ Viktor Frankl
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