Serious withdrawals from my BPD ex

[Anon3879321]

I am having EXTREME withdraws from my BPD Ex.  Obsessing intensely about her and the pain is so hard .  

I broke up with her after her cheating for the umpteenth time.  I have gone 6 days full NC and it feels like torture.  She has called me from blocked numbers and emailed me numerous times.  Asking to “at least be friends with benefits” and saying “you can do whatever you want with me, you don’t even have to be nice “.

I want to badly to respond and to have sex with her because I miss her so much .  I keep obsessing about her and other guys and what she is doing.

The last 2 days were absolute mental torture.

I I was so close to reaching out because I was craving her so bad .  I realize it’s sick of me to think this way after she has repeatedly hurt me (physically a few times but the emotional hurt is way worse ) , disrespected me, and demeaned me.  

. But even despite all that I crave and miss her so bad .  She hasn’t called or emailed in 2 days now and I wonder if she has found a permanent temporary replacement or has “fallen in love “ again or is seducing and love bombing someone else .

I am just driving myself absolutely crazy and insane , I feel completely empty and sick with the obsession.  

PLEASE HELP ME.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

Good Evening 321,

First off, get hold of yourself.

Go outside, take a deep deep breath, look up into the sky... .wherever you are in the world... .breath deep now, take the fresh oxygen into your lungs... .

Calm down... .focus,

Imagine you are looking down at yourself from thirty thousand feet... .

Now tell us a few things... .

How old are you, how long have you been with her, how old is she... .

Why did she step away?

We need to know more to help you.

But you need to get in touch with your senses... .and stop the crisis that your now experiencing.

Comeback to earth... .tell us what you see right now.

You can’t change other people... .but you can effect your “here and now”.

We are right here... .where are you, are you in a safe place?

Keep breathing... .and be calm now... .

Standing by, Red5

[Anon3879321]

Hi thank you for your response.

 I’m 31 she’s 28.  We dated almost 2 1/2 years .  A year into it a found out she had been cheating on me with her ex for almost a year .

I took her back like an idiot because she made herself seem like the victim .

The next year and a half were extremely tumultuous many highs and lows .  Looking back she was probably cheating on me then .   She also has a very serious drinking problem which caused much pain .  

We broke up and got back together many times but the most we didn’t talk was 12 days .   I had gone no contact because I went over to her apartment and found her with another guy, they were drinking and were in her bed .  Although they were clothed.  She assured me it wasn’t what it looks like, but I knew better,  I knew she was trying to have sex with him.

I took her back after the Christmas holiday because she was begging she would change .    She said that she would do anything it takes to win back my trust .  She also said she would stop drinking and asked for my help.

 Reluctantly I agreed .   The first few days were back together were amazing. She was extremely sweet .  Everything I always  wanted her to be .  Then we started fighting because she drank again and went out and ignored me the whole night .  

 We met up the next night and had sex.  She then told me she was tired and wanted some alone time .   I left .   I called her a few times and she didn’t answer .   Something didn’t feel right. I called a couple more times and she didn’t answer. Finally she called me back and asked me why I was being so weird and accused me of freaking out. She said that she wasn’t always by her phone and that I “needed to chill” , that everything was fine and that she just wanted alone time .   With the desperation and her voice, and the feeling in my gut,  I knew she was lying.   I have felt that feeling so many times before.

I go over to her apartment.  And there was a drunken wine bottle .    Again I see her with a different  guy In bed .    They were clothed, but I knew she was trying to have sex with him .  And only an hour before we had just had sex.   I was absolutely devastated. The guy ran out.  I couldnt believe she would do something like that.  

When I was with her earlier that night (hour and a half before) she had no make up on I was just wearing sweatpants. When I found her with the other guy she had make up on, was all dolled up, had her nails painted , had earrings on and was dressed up all  sexy.  .

Looking back I remember right after we had sex, she grabbed her  phone immediately after and texted someone and was smiling .  She said it was her female doctor from where she works .   I also remember that she went in the shower after to wash herself off from us having sex and she asked me to join her .  (Maybe so I wouldn’t see her phone ).   It what she was doing was getting cleaned up and ready for this next guy .  It disgusts and disturbs me.

That’s the last time I saw her .   Blocked her from everything .  Now I am on day 6 no contact and I feel like I’m going insane .   Despite all that awful stuff, I still miss her and want to see her .  That’s why I know how messed up I am .   I’m obsessing over her, and I feel like I’m withdrawing so bad .   It’s sickening because I can’t even understand how she could do something like that, without feeling bad or anything. It was only an hour after. And she lied to me so much .  

I feel guilty that I am even missing her after these atrocities .

She has tried calling me from a blocked Number and had emailed me numerous times .  One time saying “ I know you think I’m a lying whore .  Can we at least be friends with benefits ? You can do anything you want with me .  You don’t even have to be nice to me”

 Which was extremely tempting as a man, but I know it only end in a world of hurt .  I still am sick with myself because insitlk want to see her and have sex with her .  It’s awful .

[Red5]

So you are thirtyone... .obviously tough... .what was you last serious relationship prior?, .have you ever been previously married ?

I am fifty one, and from what you are describing... .this current girl is a “wild child”... .I suggest application of a bit of common sense here, finding her with multiple “other men” is as we say, a red flag  ... .

Heed as required... .

It is up to you how much dysfunction you are willing to tolerate.

How do you feel right now, can you justify staying in an abusive type relationship... .sharing her, at her whim’... .with multiple other men?

Keep posting !

Red5 

[Anon3879321]

 Thanks for the prompt reply. I just got off work. But right after I posted I was right by my phone , hoping to get an answer.  I welcome any and all advice on my current situation.  My last relationship was 2 years , a loving and mostly very healthy relationship, although she had some emotional issues and some baggage, but nothing like this.

Regarding my new ex , who has undiagnosed BPD. I don’t want to tolerate any more dysfunction.  That is why I broke  up with her, and I am trying to make this the final time .  I want to move on from the toxic relationship and get better and move on with my life .  That’s why I have gone NC for 6 days .  But it is still incredibly hard and I am having serious withdraws from her .

Yes there were many red flags but I always wanted to help her with her problems .  She also doesn’t have any parents and is not close with the rest fonehr family so she has no one .  I always felt bad for her and make excuses for her behavior because of her trauma.

I am feeling absolutely devastated, depressed, confused, angry, and yet still missing her.  I do not want to share her , of course not .

[Bnonymous]

Hi Anon,

This sounds very painful and emotionally damaging. I'm sorry you're going through this.

I always felt bad for her and make excuses for her behavior because of her trauma.

What is her trauma? Is there sexual abuse in her past? Her pattern of behaviour combined with comments like "You can do anything you want with me. You don't have to be nice to me" seem indicative of that kind of trauma. You are absolutely right to refuse. What she is offering isn't a positive, secure and free physical expression of closeness; it's something self-destructive and would be destructive for you too.

Whatever the cause of her behaviour, her sexual encounters seem to involve the opposite of self-respect. It sounds like there is always alcohol involved and lying. Every time she does this, she probably feels crap about herself. That may even be part of why she's doing it - if somewhere in her background she was made to feel like having her body used was all she was good for, her behaviour now may be about confirming that painful self-image. People often find comfort in what they know, even when what they know is something very harmful and painful for them - there is something in human-beings that can drive us to confirm and repeat traumatic experiences and hold on to damaging self-views.

The saddest thing about this is that, without appropriate therapy, such behaviours often surface when the negative self-images are challenged by positive ones. If you have been treating her with love, respect, kindness and care, as an equal human-being, that may have conflicted with a view of herself as only deserving to be treated as an object to be used. And having that view challenged could have led to such uncomfortable feelings that she sought to ease them by seeking experiences that would confirm the old, familiar, negative views she has. Change is hard. Going from a place of lack of self-worth and a belief that we have been used and abused because we deserve it to a place of self-acceptance and belief that we deserve love, respect and kindness, can be very very hard. So hard that all kinds of unconscious defenses can kick in to throw a spanner in the works and keep us trapped in the status quo.

This kind of thing can only really be addressed through extensive/long-term therapy. Does she have a therapist?

It is important that you resist reading from this script she's trying to push on you and refuse to be part of reenacting this play. If you accepted her offer, you could become part of the trauma and help her to trap herself in it. Well done for refusing.

Do note that I wouldn't be saying this just because someone is cheating. There are many reasons why people cheat and not all of them involve reenacting past trauma etc, many are much more easily explained. But the particular patterns you're describing here and the particular words she's using lead me to think this is trauma-related.

What do you think?

[Luan]

Anon3879321

I'm really sorry to hear the pain you are going through. It is the most debilitating anxiety that I had experienced when I found out my uBPD person was seeing her ex. Unfortunately nothing you do at the moment will change the situation, so the first thing is to make sure you are ok.

Do you have friends and/or family support? They may not understand the level of pain associated with this kind of breakup, but you will find many on here who do.

You have stepped away from the relationship for your own protection, that is a great achievement. I understand how difficult that would be. Perhaps you could write yourself a journal over the coming days and weeks to begin gathering your thoughts. It will take some time to make sense of this.

As much as your partner might have feelings for you, it seems she is not capable of being at all fair with those at the moment. I am sure you have expressed your hurt to her, so now is a good time to begin healing yourself, as hard as it might be to not focus on her or the relationship.

You seem to have a good sense of what you will and will not tolerate, but it is easy for those boundaries to be tested when we are in love.

Yes there were many red flags but I always wanted to help her with her problems .  She also doesn’t have any parents and is not close with the rest fonehr family so she has no one .  I always felt bad for her and make excuses for her behavior because of her trauma.

Many people on this forum have done the same, thinking that if we love them enough, they will change. Sadly, this is not true. There are skills on here that you can learn over time that could help to lead the relationship in a better direction, but the first step will be working on yourself.

I am feeling absolutely devastated, depressed, confused, angry, and yet still missing her.  I do not want to share her , of course not .

For now, are you able to keep your life moving forward with these feelings, for e.g. sounds like you are still going to work? Take some peace and solace from the fact that you have taken a step towards healing yourself. It will take time to get over the shock of what has happened, keep posting on here as a great start, you will find some very wise people will be able to help you.

As far as contact with her goes, you are best placed to decide. I completely understand why you need no contact right now. If you do feel the need to respond, try to keep things calm and understand that less is more at the moment. While you are in shock, she may be in a very different headspace, so conversations can easily go in unintended directions.

Bnonymous has done a good exploration of where her head may be at, and I'm interested to hear if you think this is near the truth. Certainly, her actions are far more important than her words in understanding her at the moment.

Am I right to say you would still like to keep the relationship in the long term?

[Anon3879321]

@banonymous-

Her trauma was seeing her father die from a violet heart attack on his birthday when she was 6 years old. When the ambulance finally came it was too late and her mother was hitting the EMTs in anger.  The whole experience I can’t even imagine how tragic, traumatic , and haunting it was for her.  She also told me that she was very angry at him (because he had been in and out of the hospital for months because of heart problems ) that day because she hadn’t seen him in a long time because he was in the hospital and she felt like her had abandoned her and she didn’t understand.  I think her mother hid the fact from her he was having health issues , so my ex didn’t understand.  She was angry that he had seemingly abandoned her, and that same day, because she was mad, she said “I wish you would just die” like sometimes kids say to other kids when they’re mad.  The horrific thing was he did die later that day, from the heart attack.  So I’m sure she has felt incredibly guilty her whole life because of that.  Like somehow her words caused it to happen.  It’s very, very sad.

The other trauma was living with her mother who was physically and mentally abusive , and neglected her, and who was a drug addict.  She each day she never knew which mom she would have and she took her anger out on her for everything.  She said her mother always had a different guy in her bed and she would wake up to see her and sometimes her bfs naked in bed.  She said her mother wouldn’t really hit her, but would throw her , would burn her with hot wax from candles , among other things.  She also said her mother would frequently say “You were a mistake , you never should have been born.  I forgot to take my birth control”.  Her mother would also call the cops on her if she was having a bad day or was jealous that her bfs were paying her daughter more attention. My ex spent almost 1 year in juvenile jail because her mother kept calling the police on her, fabricating stories about her.  Even though her mother lost custody of her several times and my ex had to live with her aunt and grandmother; the police still believed her mother’s words over my exes.

 Her mother passed away from cancer 3 years ago and it was a very confusing time for my ex because she hated her but in the end essentially made amends but her mother started being nice at the end and trying to be a good person to her but it was too late the damage was done.  So right when she started acting motherly , she was gone.

Regarding sexual trauma , she said she never had anything happen.  She said friends Dads and older guys would alway say stuff to her and be perverts but nothing significant except Ken occasion .  She said one of her moms ex boyfriends would always make her do things like clean the gutter so he could look at her , and was always staring at her .  She said one time when she was pretending to be asleep and he was drunk he tried to touch her down there but she stopped feigning sleep and beat him very bad, punching him relentlessly in the face .  She said her mother came in and was accusing her of acting crazy and was furious and punished her.  She said her mother never believed anything she said about how the guy was such a pervert to her .


All this trauma made me feel SO bad for her.  And I still do.  That is a major reason I kept taking her back.

Her ed before me was in his mid 50’s and she admitted to me he was like a father figure ( which was pretty sick for me to hear but I guess I could understand).  But her ex was extremely narcissistic and just a very bad man. She admitted to me the way he treated her was similar to how her Mom did.  One moment very sweet and caring , the next on a dime furious , abusive, vicious , and destructive.

Thank you so much for your incredibly detailed and thoughtful response.  It really means a lot. Thank you to everyone here .

[Anon3879321]

@Luan

Thank you also for your thoughtful post.  It means a lot .  I am a 6 hour plane ride away from family.  They understand what she has done to me to extent, but they don’t understand why it’s sonhard for me to move on.

I want to contact her very bad, but tomorrow will be one week , and I think for my physical and emotional health as well as my sanity, I should continue NC. 

But trust me, I wanted to contact her and reach out very very badly.

She even sent me an email saying this, just this morning :

““I feel like a bad person. I screw things up so that I don’t get hurt in the long run.
You were my best friend.
I’m so sorry.
I hope you’re okay. I’m not”

[Mele]

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain. In my experience, there is nothing more painful than the process of breaking up. Even a death of a loved one cannot compare. It's as though at least with a death, there eventually needs to be acceptance, because they are no longer with us. With a breakup- that person is still out there, and it is oh so hard to imagine living without them.

Please stay strong. I say this to you, as well as to myself. I am going through the same thing. No contact is the only way. Delete, or hide away any photos, old text messages, etc... .if need be, block her for a while. Every time she reaches out, it's a trigger. Our heart and mind take a long time to heal from this. Time is the only cure.