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Skills we were never taught
98
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
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Setting Boundaries
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Author Topic: I wish I could turn time back and have found this site a year or two ago.  (Read 144 times)
Sandb2015
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« on: January 12, 2019, 04:26:12 PM »

Mod note: This discussion was split off from the following thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=333148.0

Hey WTL,

I think about this 20 times a day.  I wish I could turn time back and have found this site a year or two ago.

I know I was all the things that exacerbated her disorder.  I would use logic, reasoning, denial, tune in so much to what she was saying, feeling?, her imaginary ideas, her nightmares and I would react so vehemently against her intuitions that she thought were secret truths being given to her from an unknown source. Geez... .I was so damned sensitive to her eventually say, It's not going to work, I give up, I don't love you anymore... .get out.  That was 20-25 times in almost 4 years.  I was insecure and motivated by fear.  I tried to not engage, I'm so good at it and it was gas on a match.

I lied, nothing too bad, I'll call them fibs.  My love was gearing up for sabotage, self fulfilling prophecy stuff all the time.  We aren't going to make it because__________(fill in the blank with anything pulled from the deep blue sky).



I wish I could have used the tools I learn here and I hope we can still have a chance, she struggled the good struggle, lost and won sometimes, the spark is there in her.

She was my gold, her son felt how different I was and he liked it, I still want her for my life.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #1 on: January 12, 2019, 04:28:02 PM »

Yes, my reactivity... .like a scarred child, afraid to be disconnected from.  Co-dependency big time. Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)
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WTL
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« Reply #2 on: January 12, 2019, 04:48:14 PM »

Hey, Sandb2015. If I read correctly, you would like to be back together with your ex. Is that right? Thank you for listing the things that you did.

This stuff is hard to process, isn’t it? It sounds like your situation was pretty intense. Intensity breeds intense feelings. How are you feeling right now? I’ve been going through a rough patch lately. I share a child with my ex. He’s 4. We’ve been split for over a year, yet I’m still ruminating. The whole nuclear family thing and it’s affect on society.

I wish that I had this place when I was in the trenches as well. It might not have saved anything, but it would’ve lessened the blow.

You mentioned her son. What was that like?
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #3 on: January 12, 2019, 05:25:00 PM »

I want so badly to have dialogue, I appreciate this WTL, thank you.

I do want to make it work, we are not communicating, perhaps she is NC, I'm taking a time away to regroup.  I know what I'll do in time to get together, I don't know what she is thinking, doing right now.  We have mutual friends that are between us in a healthy way so I'll see.

Her son is a great kid.  They were alone for 5+ years and she dated around, very conservative, just dating, not promiscuity.  She had an arranged married (so far out to me) and 2 sexual partners and me.  The boys father had little to no interaction with him and my love might have not given him too much attention in the years before me.  He was happy, I treated him the way he was supposed to instead of being treated like a well taken care of plant.

In the last 2 years, he's 17 now, I saw that dark, anguish filled teenager thing come and I remember what it was like to be that age, no big deal.

The issue just came out that he was traumatized by his parents fighting loudly all the time with the same craziness that her and I do, I don't raise my voice, she can hit high decibels without thinking.  Anyway, it turns out we were having such a negative effect and bringing up the stress he had with his parents years ago.  His attitude towards us changed a lot and I felt like he was unhappy and his mother said not to worry.  It turns out that his aunt and uncle asked him and he said he just wants it to be him and his mom only, that broke my heart.  We had a bond that was growing and I would have been someone he counts on for life, I also made it a point to show him I respect his mom and love her, she didn't do much to help forge that, I didn't need her to, I was going to be responsible for the relationship with her son and I didn't feel anything outside of our relationship.  In the last year or so, my love would censor what I say at the dinner table or start to encourage they speak their cultural tongue, she would sometimes include me and other times I would ask, she was shielding him from me for no apparent reason and it was bringing him down, he's 17, what could he say against his mom, he knew she was volatile and was with him when we first met and before me. That will surely return, I felt I was his buffer at times and it was my pleasure, I knew he would deal differently with her as an adult, 17 is tough.

I don't blame him, I feel terrible that he had to choose between anyone and definitely his mother by default, I don't think it was presented well. When things got bad a few weeks ago, she kept using that as an excuse and wouldn't let me talk to him.  I briefly wished him a happy new years on 1/1 and he smiled, he smiled at me, he shouldn't be left out to dry, but his mom thinks very culturally at times and is still stuck somehow in a culturally misogynistic society.

The relationship was in sabotage mode from time to time and I did so much for them with love attention, they both needed it and the whole family saw the change in every way and were so supportive.

The more I write, the more sour I feel towards a reconciliation, just negative stuff coming in from insecurity, we'll see... .
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #4 on: January 12, 2019, 05:27:49 PM »

I'm pretty sure he lost respect because his mom treated me so poorly, very badly.  To see me come back after brutally being kicked out of the house or made to sleep in another room while maintaining my composure and upbeat attitude. I know it was clear to him that I was too nice and beyond pushover.
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WTL
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« Reply #5 on: January 12, 2019, 06:22:30 PM »

I see. You cared about the boy, but mom smashed it. I share a child with my ex. She also has a daughter from a previous relationship. I remember walking in the door after work one day and my ex just started saying “what, what “ in an aggressive tone. I broke and yelled “leave me alone”. Next thing I know, she’s hiding in a closet with her daughter. S4 is running around.  Didn’t get it at the time. It made me feel crazy.

I’ve felt the heat of wanting to make it work. If this is the path that you want to take, what is your plan? Can we agree that what’s been happening isn’t working?
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #6 on: January 12, 2019, 06:52:37 PM »

Yes, it cannot continue the way it was.  I don't have illusions that love is the key, I have given all my love and that is not the issue.  My love won't decrease, I just can't rely on it to fix anything.

The plan is how we could get back, I will not cast blame, point out much, I would want to know how she feels and see if she knows the work we need.  I will reassure her.  I'm thinking first meet keeping everything very light.  I will slowly utilize the things I learned here, continue to learn.  I will not JADE.  It is most important that I understand if she knows the work, the value of it and the will to continue and if she values the work I need to do as well.

I can imagine, only that for now, I'm the same with better tools.  She is the same perhaps with some perspective after time apart.  Of what
I've read, it can be my fantasy and I'm a distant memory just 10 days later, I don't know what I'd be fighting for.

My aunt says run ( nowhere to run, got kicked out anyway), her friends are skeptical of her, her family is upset with her to some extent, label her but don't the extent of the problem.  My point is with all the info out there, with everything that has happened to us... .I still see a possibility.

My aunt asked if I could do this for the rest of my life, my answer was yes, but not the way it's been going.

I still have faith in us having a life together, I sincerely believe she has great feelings for me and her struggle makes a case against and for.  I'm calming down and still not 100% clear mentally. I still can't stop crying most of the day, that will eventually subside.

I have a short term plan (simple and light re connection) and long term counseling, therapy for both of us, individual and couples.

Again, this is what I believe and it's what I want.

Nothing may be available to us, me anymore, we will see and I won't disconnect from this board, I want to share everything I'm experiencing to learn from myself and perhaps to help some people here.

I'm in a Kafka story, I'm a character in a Twilight Zone story, I'm in a nightmare and a dream, it's not clear yet.
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #7 on: January 12, 2019, 07:20:27 PM »

I forgot that it’s important to me to include her son in a big way . He needs to know what is going on and I need to know how he feels.

It has dawned on me, I can’t make anything happen and she would need to want things to be different than before also.

All the negative stuff I’ve been reading tells me I’m way off, I’m dreaming and I’m struggling with having the faith to continue a life together in a greater way, the way it should be for both of us.
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« Reply #8 on: January 12, 2019, 08:14:14 PM »

All the negative stuff I’ve been reading

the internet is full of stigma and urban legends about BPD. its also not going to help improve your relationship... .why not focus on the tools?
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2019, 08:24:08 PM »

I’m looking for positive feedback, realistic feedback and my hope, faith has worth and you’re right, thank you.
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WTL
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« Reply #10 on: January 13, 2019, 05:21:31 AM »

once removed makes a solid point. Why not utilize the tools here? He’s also correct in the fact that the net is a murky place when it comes to this subject matter. You can believe what you read here. It’s been vetted by professionals that care. You’ll find no better resource. I encourage members to bring any questions about material that they find elsewhere back here to the boards to discuss it. I research other materials on the web as well. Everyday, but when I feel that my belief system is in conflict with something that strikes a chord with me, I bring it here.

There’s something I failed to touch on from your earlier post. You said that your SO’s/ex’s son said that he wants it to be him and mom only, and that this is causing you pain. I’m sorry for that. If I’m understanding correctly, the dynamics tended to get pretty loud between you and his mom in his presence. Digging deeper, he was negatively affected by the dynamics between his mom and dad. Is it possible that he was triggered by the fighting that went on between his mom and yourself?
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Sandb2015
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« Reply #11 on: January 13, 2019, 03:58:05 PM »

Yes, me and his mom fighting, I always asked her to keep it down, my reaction not knowing what I know now,  made it worse.

I always tried to lighten it up when I thought he was effected and I tried to compensate at times when I knew he was effected.

The dynamic between him and his mom was set in stone and I couldn’t change that, I could however let him know I care and somehow be a “buffer as well.  I knew in time as he matured, we would be able to have more mature discussions.  He is a little less mature than average in my opinion.

About a year ago after a very big fight with his mom, I asked him the next day how he felt and I was always quick to apologize to him for me and his Mom’s behavior. I wanted to instill in him that I knew we weren’t being fair to him and how he felt matters. That day he said he had no problem with me and that he felt me and his mom fought about dumb stuff. Yes, it must have sounded stupid.

He has called his mother an emperor, a tyrant because that is her style and of course he recognizes the lack empathy.

As I said, I was prepared to be a positive buffer for him to feel safe with and communicate with as my stepfather was with me.

My teenage years with my alcoholic mom and super stepfather mirrored what this situation was becoming, not nearly as bad, but similar dynamic and I was going to be even better than my super stepfather.
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