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Author Topic: I had it wrong and I’m filled with remorse  (Read 354 times)
Shattered1974
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2


« on: January 13, 2019, 09:55:08 AM »

My relationship and marriage has been one of the longest and most winding roller coasters imaginable. The man I love seemed to leave me off balance and confused the entire time. He lied about huge stuff, raged when I would point out any disappointment, denied any accountability, shifted all of the blame on me, inflicted silent treatments, left me writhing in self doubt, yet I loved him so much. Still do. I was isolated from friends, always suspected of “wronging” him, accused of things that were untrue and it seemed that he was always trying to read me. I would defend myself, as would most people,  but even trying to plead my case in a loving way failed. It seemed the more I tried, the more enraged he would become. Unless I completely submitted, accepted blame, and let it go, the argument would persist, sometimes leading to him pushing me and backing me into walls, throwing me down only to then have him tell me that I deserved it. I said many times, if I show any emotion towards him aside from deep and true love, I had hell to pay. But deep inside him, I still felt he was good. When he was his most amazing self, he was heaven on earth, perfect partner, helpful, loving, affectionate and happy. When he was not, he was a monster.

After years on the roller coaster, failed marriage therapy and several separations, I finally made him move out. I read scores of books, listened to podcasts, and was convinced he was a narcissist, I convinced myself he knew exactly what he was doing and that he did it with full intent. The gaslighting, the minimizing, blame shifting, projecting, all of it fit. I began to literally hate him and went no contact.

But one part of the puzzle didn’t fit. My heart just couldn’t find peace with being so cold. I felt he absolutely had a heart. I felt he was sincerely in deep pain. He didn’t move on to another right away, he didn’t put on a smear campaign. He didn’t act as if nothing happened. Instead, he hit a terrible low point, became very withdrawn and cut off from everyone. The memories I had of him were more good than bad, and within those memories soon came a barrage of lightbulbs for me. Narcissism didn’t fit. He had a heart. A good, very tender, loving and servant heart, a sincere one! I’d seen it hundreds of times. Narcs don’t have those. My family thinks I’m asking for it, that he’s just an abusive man that deserves what he got. I disagree. They don’t have the same memories with him than I do. I am still so madly in love with him, all these months later.

I ran across a video one day and spent the next two days in tears. It was about BPD and it literally knocked me back 100 steps. I went from hating him to wanting run to him, hug him, cry with him and save him from the pain I’d caused by my rejection. Since watching the video, I have read three books a on BPD and i see too many similarities to hate him now.

I asked to meet him, my heart having softened and the hatred now gone, mainly because I needed to try and extend kindness, likely to alleviate my newfound guilt. The pain in his face, his body language, it killed me. He has a ton of hatred for me now , because I did the one thing he feared the most. I rejected him, abndoned him. Had I known he struggled the way he did inside, I could have handled his turmoil, his accusations, his rage, his withdraws a lot differently. I always just assumed he was a heartless manipulative person who was our for selfish gain.

His childhood was one of nightmares and I always knew it, but I was also of the mindset that he was grown and knew better than to behave so inappropriately. I thought he was using his past as an excuse to be a total jerk.

I feel terrible that I did not nurture his hurt, but it’s hindsight and I am now felling terrible about myself because, from his perspective, I can see why he thinks I am a terrible person. I’m living with a million pounds of regret for hurting a man who I now know was already in more pain than I could ever imagine.
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