How much of my mother has my mother left in me?

[JNChell]

How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

Date: 5-2017Minutes: 4:05 In the blood |  John Mayer

A member posted this song. I’m a musician, and this song hit me deeply. I didn’t think the way that I do now upon first hearing it. My current translation is awareness and confusion.

How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am

Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it's never gonna come the way I am

Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?

[DharmaGate]

Omg! Soo beautiful crying over due tears so right on thank you

[JNChell]

Hi, DharmaGate.  What hits home with you in the song?

[DharmaGate]

Wtl, whew! Just had one of those from the bottom of my soul cry’s, screams, howls

[Kwamina]

Thanks for sharing this JNChell. It's a very good song indeed, powerful and deep lyrics especially for adult children of disordered parents.

What stands out to me is how he questions himself and wonders if he will be able to rise above what happened to him or will be forever tainted by it, possibly destined/doomed to repeat the cycle.

Just had one of those from the bottom of my soul cry’s, screams, howls

Some   for you DharmaGate

The Board Parrot

[DharmaGate]

I am cutting and pasting and losing 90 percent of the post! I will try again! Sorry

Wtl, whew! Just had one of those from the bottom of my soul cry’s, screams, howls

[DharmaGate]

I just looked at the words again, all of it to me speaks to the intense inter generational pain I feel and see in everyone in my family. Wounded doesn’t even come close.   
This line started it off... .
“will I dim the light inside of me just to satisfy someone?’  I decided no along time ago and it has been a very very long road.
“How much of my love will be insane?’
Love this! It was and often is ❤️
“Could I change it if I wanted? Can I rise above the flood? Will it wash out in the water or always be in the blood?”
That is the question for now.
“Will we be there for each other like we never could?” 
Thinking of my brother and sister.
I miss my dad
The melody is great, I’ll  sing it all day thanks john and JNChell

[JNChell]

I agree with your take, Kwamina. It sounds like a person that is on the fence and trying to decide which direction to take. That’s the beauty of music. It’s always up for interpretation.

[JNChell]

Dharmagate, those moments of emotional release can be quite freeing. How does it feel to have a good, hard cry? Mine always want to come on at the most inoppurtune times. Mostly when I’m at work and I have to stuff it for a later date.

[DharmaGate]

Omg it was the spaces causing it not post yeeks anyway there is part of a few posts down!

I had no idea all that was in there.  A good reminder that is what I am dealing with under everything else. You did a great public service to bring pain level down!

Oh yeeks it happening at work. Does that work out ok?  Thanks parrot!

[JNChell]

Dharmagate, I’m assuming that you’re learning how to navigate the boards. Take your time. Patience wasn’t taught to a lot of us. No hurry.

It’s quite an awakening when the stuff starts coming out , isn’t it?

[DharmaGate]

This is first time my posts are not working.  Not sure what is going on.  I need to get internet and not type on phone. I just typed a bunch and lost it again.   Really powerful stuff
It’s quite an awakening when the stuff starts coming out , isn’t it?

Dharmagate, I’m assuming that you’re learning how to navigate the boards. Take your time. Patience wasn’t taught to a lot of us. No hurry.

It’s quite an awakening when the stuff starts coming out , isn’t it?

Thank you JNChell

[JNChell]

Anytime.

[JNChell]

Do you feel like digging in, or leaving things where they are for now.?

[DharmaGate]

I am going to try and type with no big spaces and see if that works! I can dig in, if it gets to be too much I’ll stop thanks for asking... .given I don’t keep losing my typing!

[DharmaGate]

JNChell, too funny like a good survivor waiting for something horrible to happen with “digging in” then see the name thing thanks! I just posted to music ace and lost a bunch again have you ever heard of this happening? Losing about 90 percent of post?

[JNChell]

Hey, DharmaGate. I’ve read where other members have posted and had their content disappear. I think that it’s just the nature of the Internet. I know that it’s frustrating, but keep posting. We’re glad that you’re here with us.

[DharmaGate]

Thanks let's see if this comes through!  So weird and frustrating this one did.

[JNChell]

10/4. This one came through!

[Libra]

Hi JNChell,

Wow, that's the first song I've heard that adresses the issue so directly. Thank you for sharing.

It must have taken a lot of inner strength to bring out. Makes me wonder how his family reacted.

It made me realise once more that for me and my brother, it's a broken relationship. We are unable to be truly open with one another. That makes me sad.

I hope you don't mind me sharing another song here.  It's one that can be interpreted in many different ways, I think.
It's one that saddens me every time I hear it. I'm wondering if it strikes a chord with anyone else here on the boards.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SM1xmtfO-ng

Libra.

[JNChell]

Dancing through the fire
Just to catch a flame
And feel real again

Great song, Libra! I’ve not heard of this guy before. I’m glad that I have now. Watching him perform and move with his instrument brings back happy memories of how good it feels to let go like that in front of people in a positive way. I remember that energy well, but the confidence isn’t there... .for now.

I’m sorry that you’re having to grieve the relationship with your brother. You know, humans are tricky beings. We’ve been blessed with very complex minds. Minds that can take us anywhere at any given time. When we rest, the same mind can take us places by dreams or by us winding down for the day and simply listening to it. Hmm. Maybe there’s a relationship there. If so, maybe it should be nurtured. You know, I was never taught to have that kind of intimate relationship. This is why I love this community. It’s thought provoking. Sharing music with you just opened up another avenue for me to explore. Perhaps a very important one.

I’m curious, do you think that time and maybe some space can benefit the situation with you and your brother?

[Libra]

Hi JNChell,

I’m curious, do you think that time and maybe some space can benefit the situation with you and your brother?

Ironically, space is not an issue at all. My brother - 4 years my senior - lives in another country. The only news I ever hear about him is through my mother. He calls her dutifully every day.

The only time he chose to confide in me was when he told me he wanted to marry his - now ex- wife years ago. He was seeking some kind of validation, wanting to know if it was okay for him to be feeling happy and wanting to marry. (My parents divorced when he was about 18, and he took on a paternal, stabilizing role in our emotionally chaotic household.)

When my mother found out he'd shared his feelings with me first, she was all over him. He hasn't really tried to be in touch ever since. Even when going through hell and finally divorcing from his bipolar (or maybe uBPD?) wife. Though he lives far away, he is still very much under my mothers' influence.
He used to be my mediator with our mother when she was enraged, or giving me the silent treatment. Untill I chose not to put him in the middle of our fights any more. That was about 1 year ago, when I started to work on myself. He still tried to mediate for my mother though, guilt tripping me into seeking contact with her again. 

Over the years I've tried to find a connection with him through different channels, to no avail. As I once shared here, he has built a wall of humour and ridicule, and everything bounces off that wall. It often ricohets back into my face to be honest, and I am no longer willing to risk another blow. I'm here for him if ever he needs me, but I won't be the one sticking my toe into the water anymore. Too many old crocodiles in there... .

It was hard for me to share that song here. Both my brother and I were really into music in our teens. (it's such a safe escape, isn't it?) He was into the groove and the rythm, whereas I was always on the lookout for lyrics that moved me. Every time I tried to share some music that really moved me, he'd ridicule it to pieces. That hurt me deep down. So I stopped sharing.

I am still hyper secretive about which music I like. For me that is something very personal. The only person I feel confident enough to share that with in real life is my husband. And this damned fine community.

I'm hanging on the wire
for a love I'll never find

I am loved and respected by my husband, my children, friends ... .but there is a hole deep down that will never be filled.

I hope your explorations may bring you peace and happiness JNChell.

Libra.

[JNChell]

That sounds like a whole lot of triangulation and an unhealthy bond between a son and mother. I’m sorry that you were in the thick of it for so long. However, I’m very happy to hear about your current home life. I’d mark that up as a success. I love hearing success stories here!

As painful as it feels, maybe you did the right thing for you and your family by removing yourself from the situation. What do you think? My family/social circle is very small these days. It was once very large, but the atmosphere I was in was very unhealthy for me. I wasn’t doing well with myself. I’m still not great, but I’m much better and moving in the right direction.

This is a damned fine community, isn’t it?  I love this place. More and more each day. Happy Tuesday, Libra!

[Libra]

Yes, it was the right thing to step out of the triangle. I know that. But today made me realise I haven't done all the mourning I need to do yet.

This place is the best. It helps in so many ways. I am glad it is helping you too! 

Happy Tuesday? Hell, happy 2019, JNChell! 

Libra.

[DharmaGate]

  libra, thank you so much for sharing such beautiful thoughts and song.  Relate to so much of your post. 

[Libra]

Watching him perform and move with his instrument brings back happy memories of how good it feels to let go like that in front of people in a positive way. I remember that energy well, but the confidence isn’t there... .for now.

JNChell, I can't help but wonder: do you still play the guitar, for yourself? I have always wanted to be able to play an instrument. I imagine it can be a great emotional outlet. Never had the patience or perseverance to learn though. Maybe you son could be your first audience?

Take care,
Libra.

[JNChell]

Hello, Libra. I’m getting back into it. I put so many of the things that I love aside during and after the implosion of the relationship with S4’s mom. I’m slowly getting back to those things. I wonder if the unhealthy attachment I had/have to her has caused me to detach from the things that I love.

For me, music can be a great emotional outlet. My T encourages me to embrace it. I never noticed before how therapeutic music is for me until my T began encouraging me to make it a part of my daily life again. When I can sit down and really get into my playing and singing it almost becomes meditative. My stress and anxiety are alleviated because my mind is momentarily cleared of the toxic crap and is concentrated on what I’m doing in the moment by focusing on each chord, note and lyric simultaneously. S4 has been an audience from time to time. On occasion I’ll improv silly songs for him off the cuff. I enjoy that. I need to write a song for him eventually. One that belongs to him.

Learning an instrument doesn’t have to be taken overly serious. Maybe you could visit a music shop and noodle around with a few different things that strike your fancy. There’s nothing to lose by exploring your curiosity and, as you say, wanting to learn an instrument. This could be a positive thing for you to do. Avoid the big box stores unless you’re in the mood to handle an aggressive sales staff. Much like a car dealership. Find a small, independent store. Is there a certain instrument that you’ve been interested in? If you decide to go out and look around, I hope that you’ll bring the experience back here and tell us about it.

[Libra]

Hi JNChell,
I'm glad to hear you're picking up your music again. From what I read you get a lot of positive energy out of it. We all need that in our lives.

You say you wonder why you had given up on doing the things you love. Don't take this as a criticism, but maybe you thought you didn't deserve to do anything you really enjoy doing?

I've recognised this pattern in myself. I can get stuck in a negative spiral of thoughts that make me feel very unworthy of, well, anything really. In those moments it is very hard to stand up for myself and do something I really enjoy. I'm working hard on trying to change that pattern. I've come to understand that self-care means more than feeding yourself and going to bed on time. It means taking time for yourself, to do things that you enjoy, because they bring you positive energy. Wow. I had to be 43 for that penny to drop. 

Learning to play an instrument is something you need a lot of time for. I should've started that way back, before we had kids. Music does play a big role in my daily life though. I listen almost daily. It helps me when I have to focus at work, it can take the edge of my sadness, and it can bring me energy. I haven't found any music yet that simply makes me happy. Maybe I still think I don't deserve that. Oops... .don't know where that last line came from. Something to think about.

Keep on rocking, or blues-ing, or whatever gets you moving! 

Libra.

[Woolspinner2000]

JNChell,

I love the title of this thread. How appropriate for those of us struggling to recover. Such a poignant topic. 

 
Wools

[JNChell]

Hi, Libra. Thanks for the encouragement. I can see how it would be difficult to learn something new like music when so much takes up day to day life. Very important things. I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to minimize anything. I just didn’t think about it. I’ll know better the next time.

I don’t really know why I put my passions down. I can only speculate. Childhood, I wasn’t validated at all. I was constantly told to do better and often times the persuasion was, well, hurtful so to speak. With S4’s mom, if I spent too much time doing the things that I love, not to mention I bought us a house on a piece of property where we could run wild if we wanted to, I was being neglectful. I wasn’t married to her and I included her in the decision making process of the home that I would buy. She was pregnant by me. We made that decision together. Without going into great detail, she eventually said “the house sucks”. I’m sorry for rambling. Sometimes I really need to do that here.

I’m terrible at self care. I admit it. I’ve lost over 30 pounds and look decent. Some of that is due to a change in diet, and some of it is due to not being hungry.

I think you may be onto something. Perhaps, our subconscious is still shackling us. You know, I often comment on how I wish I could’ve nipped this stuff in the bud. Say... .mid twenties. There is no way that I could’ve looking back. I needed experience.

[JNChell]

Hi’ Wools! It’s been a minute. Have you listened to the song? Skip did a great job on that post. My OP was generic. How’ve you been?

[Libra]

JNChell,

Absolutely no need to appologize. You made a valid suggestion that I appreciated. Time is simply one of my biggest struggles right now.

Do you still live in the house you chose together?
What other passions could you pick up again, one step at a time?

Libra.

[JNChell]

Hey, Libra. So sorry for the late response. I took some time off here to recharge a bit, I guess. To recenter.

I don’t live in that house anymore. I’ve been picking up the guitar more lately. Improving with words and playing.

You’re right. One step at a time. I just commented on a post by mama wolf on detaching on how it feels so slow. Maybe you can swing over there and join the thread. She could use some support and you’re very good at giving it.

Thanks for being a big presence here, Libra. Your words matter.