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VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?" Parental alienation is when a parent allows a child to participate or hear them degrade the other parent. This is not uncommon in divorces and the children often adjust. In severe cases, however, it can be devastating to the child. This video provides a helpful overview.
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Author Topic: Heard from him...it wrecked me  (Read 370 times)
Hopefulgirl
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« on: January 24, 2019, 12:03:11 PM »

So yesterday was his birthday. All day long I had this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Kept debating to myself if I should wish him a happy birthday like I've always done for the past 6 years. I got occupied with other things and after work I looked at my phone and saw he sent me a text. He wished me a belated Happy Birthday (my birthday was in August) and then he thanked me for being me. He said that no one was as kind or considerate. He said our friendship had helped him get through his forties (and then he put a :-) , he was turning 50 yesterday.

My first instinct was to write immediately back but I didn't. I actually felt like I was going to throw up. A friend was picking me up to go to dinner and I could barely speak to her I felt like someone had just grabbed my insides. I don't know why I feel this way, what he said was very nice. It's not like he said something awful and it made me feel bad.
 There was no indication of feeling sorry that he hasn't spoken or texted to me since July.

  So I eventually wrote back and thanked him and told him that was nice to hear and it was nice to hear from him and I wished him happy birthday and hoped that he had had a great day and wished him many great days ahead. All the resentment that's been building up in me was just ... .swallowed?  I'm thinking that he texted me because he hadn't heard from me and it was his bday and maybe he didn't get enough bday wishes so he wanted to give me this not so subtle reminder, and be sweet. Because he wants to know I don't hate him.

 I mean how am I supposed to say Anything other than that if he says nice things to me? A part of me is sitting here, the following day, wanting to message him again and say you know what #!#&?#!.  Advice from family and friends is Let It Go just don't confront just act like everything's fine. I want to write back to him and say well yes I was nice to you I was quite considerate of you and your feelings. All it did is let you get away with wronging me over and over and then abandoning what friendship we have left. So YOU'RE WELCOME."

But then I would be the "mean girl". The "bitter" one.

 I HATE THAT I CANNOT BE HONEST.
Why is it that I still want him to "like" me, to think well of me?
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Purplex
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« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2019, 03:38:16 PM »

Hi Hopefulgirl!

I'm not familiar with your story, so I might be completely off track with my interpretation.

Excerpt
There was no indication of feeling sorry that he hasn't spoken or texted to me since July.
#
Could this be the reason why his message upset you so much? That he didn't apologize for the pain he caused you?

I can very much relate to why you feel upset and angry. By texting you, especially in such a nice manner, he undermined your ability to freely decide whether you wanted to congratulate him or not and kind of forced you to react in a way, that you might not have chosen otherwise.
His text maybe also begs the question, why he couldn't see or value those qualities in the past. This can also be very hurtful in itself.

Excerpt
Why is it that I still want him to "like" me, to think well of me?
I don't know if this is the case for you, but for me, falling out of grace after a failed BPD relationship would somehow diminsh and devalue all the honest effort and heart I put into it. I would feel like what they think of me now is all that is 'left' of me in their perception. No grey area, no good and bad times. Just black and white. And this is a frightening thought.
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2019, 05:00:02 PM »

Hi Hopefulgirl,

I think that what you're saying is that you would like to be more assertive; having the courage to say what's on your mind without worrying about what others think about you regardless of what you feel or think.

Don't be hard on yourself if you feel like you were too passive, it's like Turkish says there's nothing wrong about being nice to someone, his birthday was an opportunity for both of you to get in touch but there's a time and place to say these things too.

Are you in minimal or no contact with him? Have you thought about it? If not, why not?
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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Hopefulgirl
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« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2019, 10:24:11 PM »

Yes, his birthday was probably not the time to say anything but well, happy birthday. I have not contacted him in a long time, I guess I decided I would let him contact me because I feel like I was always the one initiating communication somehow. Also I thought maybe if I just didn't have communication with him that it would help me get over things. This is really hard to do because I do miss him very much. The last time I saw him we made plans to see each other the following week but he bailed with no explaination. He had a long history of this and I should have known better.

I feel like he is living his best life ever now, and I'm sitting here wondering what was even authentic about him. I feel like I let him get away with things. But I'm supposed to be understanding, I'm supposed to be nice because what he has is a mental illness. I feel like I'm being manipulated by his text yesterday.
What did I get out of this relationship? He benefited from a giving, emotionally availble, understanding person. He meant the world to me and he told me the same.

But my reality is that I was just a seat filler for other women. And all that ever did is put me at his mercy. The person he ended up with was unapologetically awful to me. Hurtful to the point I think something is mentally wrong with her as well.

I struggle to find a silver lining in any of that for me.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2019, 09:47:52 AM »

Hi Hopefulgirl


My first instinct was to write immediately back but I didn't. I actually felt like I was going to throw up. A friend was picking me up to go to dinner and I could barely speak to her I felt like someone had just grabbed my insides. I don't know why I feel this way, what he said was very nice.


When I went NC, I never heard or saw anything of her for 4 months, until her birthday which I also wrestled with myself wether or not it would be appropiate to make some sort of contact. She turned up on that day late in the evening, drunk at my door. I semi-expected it to happen and this gut wrenching feeling you describe, the nausea - Id suggest the contact might have spiked some anxiety in you? I can relate to it well, it happened more towards the end of the r/s but I think it had always been there but not understood fully. When I reconnected with her after a long time apart, it became more identifiable and obvious. Here was someone who has been abusive, I dont trust, yet can text me the sweetest adorable texts. It did not compute anymore - I would have liked to have thought they were authentic and heartfelt - but the truth is, I couldnt believe a word of it anymore, either way.

Whilst it is not a nice thing to experience, it did actually help towards recognising how my feelings had changed and that I had taken the right choice to detach.

Silver linings, I found them more once my life had moved forward and the heated emotions have subsided. In practical terms, there has been some rich life experience here. I can understand it probably doesnt feel that way for you at all with where you are at right now in your healing.

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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2019, 11:00:55 AM »

Hey Hopeful,

The silver lining, in my view, is that you know yourself better now and will never allow yourself to be manipulated or mistreated in this fashion again.  That has a value.  Plus, you're learned to avoid inauthentic people.  I pretended a lot in my marriage to my BPDxW.  No more.  Now I strive to operate from my core.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2019, 12:16:55 PM »

I guess I decided I would let him contact me because I feel like I was always the one initiating communication somehow.

Do you feel like you would also like to hear him take ownership for his actions, validation for the hurt and pain that he caused you?

I feel like he is living his best life ever now, and I'm sitting here wondering what was even authentic about him.

This can’t be sustained for very long BPD is still a part of him it always be unless he decided that he wants to change and seek for it, all of the anger, grief, sadness is there but it’s rerouted through acting out those feelings towards people that he cares about a - he grieves differently than you do.

But I'm supposed to be understanding, I'm supposed to be nice because what he has is a mental illness. I feel like I'm being manipulated by his text yesterday.

You can be nice also with boundaries it doesn’t make you less understanding or compassionate a part of mental illness is neediness, selfishness that hurts loved ones and he’s not going to put himself in your shoes and look at it from your point of view. I’m not saying that he didn’t love you but there’s an inner battle that goes on that takes a lot of mental energy a lot of focus of themselves that selfishness damaged s r/s’s m, unfortunately that’s going to continue.

Boundaries is about self preservation and self compassion they’re there to protect you from outside harm and he’s not going to do it for you not in this state. Taking care of yourself first is not about being not understanding or caring but to be those things you need to have the energy to do it and it’s easier to function and cope with this difficult stuff that can be emotionally draining.

Hurtful to the point I think something is mentally wrong with her as well.

I think this is a good sign that you need your space to self protect and to get out of the FOG ( Fear Obligation Guilt ) the longer that you’re away from him the easier that these interactions get because the words have less intensity because you’re able to zoom out and see things in a different light, the worlds become less personal and you can see FOG and desperate yourself from it. It gets easier with time and space away from him.
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Hopefulgirl
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« Reply #7 on: January 27, 2019, 12:07:58 AM »

❤❤❤ thank you all so much for your replies to my post. It's helped me think about things the past couple days and it's really helped. I think what upset me is that in my mind there was never really a closure. I felt like he wasn't feeling accountable enough for his actions.

I read his text to me like "Thank you for being nice to me and not making me feel like I'm a bad person and thanks for keeping your mouth shut and letting me get away with things instead of telling the other women. Thanks to you being a doormat, I have a good life and I don't feel guilty because you're great with that".

I guess the unfairness of it all had left me with a deep resentment.

I heard from him yesterday he texted something about he was coming to town soon and he would try to get together with me to take the dog to the park. I had never said anything to him about getting together. It's probably baloney, as it usually turns out to be. So I will try to put it out of my head. I don't think I mentioned lately that he is getting married in about six weeks. A part of me wants to say a lot of things to him before he gets married. I don't know, I feel like after he's married I will never see him again. I should think of that is a good thing, I wish I could.
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