still detaching, but feeling some progress

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

i just wanted to give a bit of an update on how things are going for me. i have been reading and lurking around these parts, and i often feel bad for not participating, but i want you all to know that i truly appreciate this space. checking in here often has been a very helpful to me when i've been struggling, and reading others' stories has granted me a lot of validation that i've been lacking both during my relationship, and now as i detach.
i ended my relationship early December, and i truly believe that i have ended it for good. it has been difficult, but i have good days and bad days... .and mixed days! i want to try to briefly tell you what has been working for me so far.
at first i didn't block him... .i didn't want to incite any behaviors. that sort of worked for a bit, until it didn't. one night mid-december, he showed up at a bar i was djing at at 2am, i tried to be polite but reserved. he continually tried to put his arm around my waist. the bartender noticed me refusing him repeatedly, and kicked him out. this led to my uBPDex text bombing and repeatedly trying to call me the next few days. i ignored everything. within a few days he stopped entirely and i didn't hear from him again until new year's.
at first it was minimal, but then it became a bit much. he still had some things at my house from when he moved out, but nothing too important or in my way. sometimes his messages were about those things, but it also felt like he was using "getting the stuff" as a reason to bombard and blame me. so i ignored and put off the stuff-handoff. i also ignored an invitation to attend a therapy session with him with our previous couple's counselor. we are no longer a couple! but i was glad to hear that he was giving therapy a chance. good for him.
eventually, january 11 i agreed to a stuff-handoff.
he definitely used it as an opportunity to pick off the scab.
i had all of his stuff ready, at the bottom of my steps, no need to enter my apartment. but he still lingered and insisted on talking for half-hour or more. he was in sad puppy dog mode, but after he left he called me an hour later and tried to pick a fight. it sort of worked, but i got off as soon as i started getting angry. this triggered a couple days of nasty text bombing from him, i tried to remain as brief, friendly, and informative as i could. he was upset i wouldn't go to the therapist with him, and now he wanted something back that he gave me months ago that he insisted when he was picking up his stuff that he *didn't* want back, and accused me of interfering with his livelihood because i dj at a bar where he sometimes covers a bartending shift here and there. and accused me of not being nice.
this all sounds pretty dumb, but i guess the "being nice" is one of my buttons, even though my rational brain knows i'm plenty nice, this really triggered me. so i knew it was time to block him. i felt instant relief.
he has emailed me a bit. he left something i gave him on my doorstep. i ignored all these things.
i have been concentrating on myself. i have been seeing my therapist, (who is awesome!) every other week since i first started in may. i went to a Coda meeting and plan on going to more. i have been reading books about codependency and narcissistic abuse and emotionally unavailable parents and etc... .(No More Narcissists! is my current read, and i'm finding it very practical and helpful) i have been diving down a wormhole of youtube psychology, both helpful and not so helpful, ha! i have been doing tons of yoga at home, which i'm loving! (i recommend youtubing: Yoga with AJ, and Yoga with Kassandra) binge watching tv (This Is Us has been great for getting the tears out! Bob's Burgers has been great for laughing!) and perfecting my winter soup recipes. i have been spending a lot of time home alone, working on my paintings. i am journaling. and i have been working on reaching out to friends i've been missing to do fun and interesting things (i often default to the social acquaintances i have through djing at bars... .so, a lot of heavy drinkers in that crowd) i am NOT dating and not interested. i'm sure i'll be ready when i'm ready.
i went on a trip with some friends and i did slip up one night and texted my ex after a night of drinking (i partially assumed that because i had his number blocked, it wouldn't go through. not true my friends, not true.)   i only sent one text. one sentence. he emailed a few responses... .one very thoughtful and sweet although lengthy and dramatic. followed up by an accusatory email (again, how "not nice" i am) ... .so, yeah. i slipped up. i'm clearly still a bit addicted. i can feel myself still sort of wanting the contact from him. i hate it. i hate recognizing that i crave that. but i do.
yesterday he emailed inviting me to a restaurant that i love "one last time" because they announced they're closing. i ignored. this morning i woke up to a bunch of facebook messages from him (i unfriended but hadn't blocked.) i read them a couple times, and then admitted to myself that i have to block him there also.
the desire to see what he's doing on social media is STRONG. the desire to see what new cute girls he's following or friending is STRONG. but i know i have to detach from all of this. it helps to remind myself what actually happened in the relationship. what he actually did. tell myself, this guy pushed you, is that what you want? this guy spit on you, do you want to be with someone who could spit on his "soulmate"? NO! i don't want any of this.
so, i'm trying to be gentle with myself, and i'm slowly trying to construct the life that i do want.
thanks for listening, and thanks for being here. 

[eeps]

i just wanted to give a bit of an update on how things are going for me. i have been reading and lurking around these parts, and i often feel bad for not participating, but i want you all to know that i truly appreciate this space. checking in here often has been a very helpful to me when i've been struggling, and reading others' stories has granted me a lot of validation that i've been lacking both during my relationship, and now as i detach.
i ended my relationship early December, and i truly believe that i have ended it for good. it has been difficult, but i have good days and bad days... .and mixed days! i want to try to briefly tell you what has been working for me so far.
at first i didn't block him... .i didn't want to incite any behaviors. that sort of worked for a bit, until it didn't. one night mid-december, he showed up at a bar i was djing at at 2am, i tried to be polite but reserved. he continually tried to put his arm around my waist. the bartender noticed me refusing him repeatedly, and kicked him out. this led to my uBPDex text bombing and repeatedly trying to call me the next few days. i ignored everything. within a few days he stopped entirely and i didn't hear from him again until new year's.
at first it was minimal, but then it became a bit much. he still had some things at my house from when he moved out, but nothing too important or in my way. sometimes his messages were about those things, but it also felt like he was using "getting the stuff" as a reason to bombard and blame me. so i ignored and put off the stuff-handoff. i also ignored an invitation to attend a therapy session with him with our previous couple's counselor. we are no longer a couple! but i was glad to hear that he was giving therapy a chance. good for him.
eventually, january 11 i agreed to a stuff-handoff.
he definitely used it as an opportunity to pick off the scab.
i had all of his stuff ready, at the bottom of my steps, no need to enter my apartment. but he still lingered and insisted on talking for half-hour or more. he was in sad puppy dog mode, but after he left he called me an hour later and tried to pick a fight. it sort of worked, but i got off as soon as i started getting angry. this triggered a couple days of nasty text bombing from him, i tried to remain as brief, friendly, and informative as i could. he was upset i wouldn't go to the therapist with him, and now he wanted something back that he gave me months ago that he insisted when he was picking up his stuff that he *didn't* want back, and accused me of interfering with his livelihood because i dj at a bar where he sometimes covers a bartending shift here and there. and accused me of not being nice.
this all sounds pretty dumb, but i guess the "being nice" is one of my buttons, even though my rational brain knows i'm plenty nice, this really triggered me. so i knew it was time to block him. i felt instant relief.
he has emailed me a bit. he left something i gave him on my doorstep. i ignored all these things.
i have been concentrating on myself. i have been seeing my therapist, (who is awesome!) every other week since i first started in may. i went to a Coda meeting and plan on going to more. i have been reading books about codependency and narcissistic abuse and emotionally unavailable parents and etc... .(No More Narcissists! is my current read, and i'm finding it very practical and helpful) i have been diving down a wormhole of youtube psychology, both helpful and not so helpful, ha! i have been doing tons of yoga at home, which i'm loving! (i recommend youtubing: Yoga with AJ, and Yoga with Kassandra) binge watching tv (This Is Us has been great for getting the tears out! Bob's Burgers has been great for laughing!) and perfecting my winter soup recipes. i have been spending a lot of time home alone, working on my paintings. i am journaling. and i have been working on reaching out to friends i've been missing to do fun and interesting things (i often default to the social acquaintances i have through djing at bars... .so, a lot of heavy drinkers in that crowd) i am NOT dating and not interested. i'm sure i'll be ready when i'm ready.
i went on a trip with some friends and i did slip up one night and texted my ex after a night of drinking (i partially assumed that because i had his number blocked, it wouldn't go through. not true my friends, not true.)   i only sent one text. one sentence. he emailed a few responses... .one very thoughtful and sweet although lengthy and dramatic. followed up by an accusatory email (again, how "not nice" i am) ... .so, yeah. i slipped up. i'm clearly still a bit addicted. i can feel myself still sort of wanting the contact from him. i hate it. i hate recognizing that i crave that. but i do.
yesterday he emailed inviting me to a restaurant that i love "one last time" because they announced they're closing. i ignored. this morning i woke up to a bunch of facebook messages from him (i unfriended but hadn't blocked.) i read them a couple times, and then admitted to myself that i have to block him there also.
the desire to see what he's doing on social media is STRONG. the desire to see what new cute girls he's following or friending is STRONG. but i know i have to detach from all of this. it helps to remind myself what actually happened in the relationship. what he actually did. tell myself, this guy pushed you, is that what you want? this guy spit on you, do you want to be with someone who could spit on his "soulmate"? NO! i don't want any of this.
so, i'm trying to be gentle with myself, and i'm slowly trying to construct the life that i do want.
thanks for listening, and thanks for being here. 

[Harri]

Hi eeps.  It sounds to me like you are right on track in terms of healing and detaching.  It is hard to cut off all at once and we will still feel a desire to contact them.  I think it is normal and just something we have to go through.

I am glad to read that you are doing well taking care of yourself too.  A lot of people neglect that. 

so, i'm trying to be gentle with myself, and i'm slowly trying to construct the life that i do want.

this is excellent and a great way to keep yourself centered and from re-engaging.

 

[Tsultan]

Hi eeps! 

Sounds like you are doing a great job with self care.    I love making soup in the winter.  What is your favorite?  They warm your soul and are hydrating for our bodies.  How long were you together with your uBPDbf?

I am going on 9 mos since his final discard.  I find myself kind of ruminating about him lately a few times a day which I really do not like that I can still do that.  For me the progress has been slow. I am starting to feel the effect of the "drug" wearing off.  I seem to remember the bad times more quickly now and when I start to miss him some negative memory will come to mind and I will think boy I'm glad I don't have to put up with that anymore.  But I do miss the good times with him.  When they were they were great.  I miss his companionship but not the pressure to spend time with him because if I did not call or text every day he would get triggered and paint me black.  I still try to process why it all happened at what happened.  I guess I'll process until I don't have to process it anymore.  But I am amazed at how hijacked my brain can be at times. 

I am glad you shared your story.  There are so many experiences here that help me get through these times too. 

I like how you say you have good days and bad days and some mixed days.  Same for me!  The good days are more frequent, the bad days don't really exist anymore, and the mixed days are mixed with much more good and less of the bad.

I wish you well in your process and please keep us posted in how you are doing.

  Tsultan

[eeps]

thank you for your comments  @Harri and  @Tsultan
i still think about him and ruminate on different incidents with pretty high frequency, daily. it still takes quite a bit of effort to switch my focus. but i understand that i just have to go through this the hard way, with time, patience and determination.
 @Tsultan we were together for 2.5/almost 3 years, but he was fresh out of an 11 year relationship (a red flag i should've taken more seriously)

i might make black bean soup today, i have a great recipe i got from Laurel's Kitchen (it's a fantastic vegetarian cookbook) last week i made kale/sausage soup that is perfect for this sub-zero weather. i've never been that interested in cooking, but i'm having fun trying to expand my horizons... .i'd really like to try and make shakshuka sometime soon, yum!

[once removed]

i only sent one text. one sentence.

what was it?

[eeps]

hi @once removed,
i wrote "you never cared about me at all"

[once removed]

would it help to have evidence that he did?

[eeps]

@once removed
i know that he cared.
i suppose sometimes i feel like he was so self-absorbed (probably has a good bit of NPD traits in there too) that he didn't really know/see the real ME. and i feel like he didn't care to really get to know the real me. versus the IDEA of me, and the me that i was trying to be for him, the walking on eggshells, codependent me. sometimes during our relationship, i would have the feeling that i could've been anyone, i was just the placeholder girlfriend and he needed someone to be in that position, but he was neglecting who i actually was. my thoughts/ideas/feelings/opinions... .and that can be really heartbreaking to recognize.

[once removed]

post breakup communications can be tricky to navigate. those old wounds are easily opened. a lot of the time, its a continuation of the old relationship battles.

and i feel like he didn't care to really get to know the real me. versus the IDEA of me, and the me that i was trying to be for him, the walking on eggshells, codependent me. sometimes during our relationship, i would have the feeling that i could've been anyone, i was just the placeholder girlfriend and he needed someone to be in that position, but he was neglecting who i actually was.

does this have to do with the blocking/ignoring?

[eeps]

hi @once removed
yeah, i think it was me just being drunk and feeling bad for myself. i know that it was an easy way to get the attention i was craving, which yes, was a desire to open up old wounds.
i don't want to do that! i know he and i need a serious break from any communication so that i can work on healing myself from the addiction to the pain cycle. i've blocked him so that it's not easy for me to contact him or see what he's up to when i'm feeling this way. and i've been ignoring his attempts to reach out because nothing i say could make anything any better or easier, and would continue to allow him to walk over all of my boundaries.

[Lucky Jim]

it helps to remind myself what actually happened in the relationship. what he actually did. tell myself, this guy pushed you, is that what you want? this guy spit on you, do you want to be with someone who could spit on his "soulmate"? NO! i don't want any of this.
so, i'm trying to be gentle with myself, and i'm slowly trying to construct the life that i do want.

Nice work, eeps!  I am in favor of treating yourself with care and compassion.  Self-love and self-acceptance, in my view, are the starting points for one's recovery.

Many here fear the unknown, with good reason, yet I'm here to confirm that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found, which in my view is what it's all about.  You seem on a path leading to new, healthier horizons.

LJ