New semester. Just saw my ex.

[CryWolf]

Ive been doing extremely well not thinking of her. I let go, and moved on. I think randomly of her, but let it go. Im on to a better place now.

Ive been at school most of the day and didnt see her. Just saw an old classmate standing in front of the these booths. We said hey, and I looked to my left and my ex is sitting right there. She looks at me, turns her head. The guy in front of her looks at her.

I just leave. The troubling part, is she was sitting near the front of my next class.

My anxiety shot up. Im stuttering right now speaking to my friends. My heart is racing. Im fumbling things. Why...

Why do I feel sucked back in these thoughts.

[CryWolf]

I walked into class just now, and her friend is also in here. I catch him staring here and there...

Just when I thought I could get away. 

[Beneck]

Hey Crywolf

Sorry to hear you're going through this right now. As far as I understand it, coming into visual with your ex has tirggered emotions and thoughts you hoped had escaped from for a long while now.

While that makes a lot of sense, getting over such a high-intensity relationship can be difficult, and most importantly, cyclical. That is, we shift between acceptance, rage, sorrow etc. Was it your first serious relationship?

Not a lot of input I can give, but I'd advice you to be kind to yourself (in regards to having emotional responses you don't think you should have) and of course to avoid any uneccesary interactions with her (including eye contact). Keep it polite, and keep it short.

I'd also advice you to journal here in this thread, as often as you need to, as an additional coping tool.

Hang in there!

[Harri]

Hi Crywolf.  I am sorry you are feeling this way.  It is an awful feeling I know. 

Beneck gave some great advice about posting here and remembering all of what you are feeling is part of the recovery and in that sense, you are doing okay.

[Cromwell]

Hi CryWolf

In the midst of the anxiety trigger, you said yourself - you have strengthened up now considerably over time, and I look up to you for having to encounter your ex regularly whilst in the process of doing so.

Maybe take this as a good experience ground for what can happen in working life after college, having to deal professionally but at times with difficult work colleagues. If I had to encounter my ex in a work setting id lump her mentally in this category and treat her accordingly. As Beneck says, "hi" and move on, and if she doesnt give any eye contact or hides away, just walk on without trying to be cordial. If she has badmouthed you there is something to do about it - as little attention as possible so not to give any weight to it. The guy staring at you , probably trying to reconcile what he has heard versus how you present yourself. I wouldnt run away though, just act normally, you have every right as anyone else to enjoy college life without feeling the need to be evasive of one person. Rise above the silliness and drama creation, you have nothing to be anxious or afraid of her no-one will confront you with whatever gossip and risk getting in trouble because of her attention seeking ploy.

Someone bad mouthed me at college, I could have chosen about a hundred seats in the lecture, I went and sat right behind him. For the whole hour he was shifting in his seat, nervous twitching. It solved the problem and sent a message out - behave in an ignorant way that makes me feel uncomfortable - thats fine, but realise I can do the same to you.

in the old days you could just punch someone in the nose and shake hands the next day and share a beer. but ive been told to adapt for 2019, its psychological warfare, its unfortunate but its the way it is. Radical acceptance.

[CryWolf]

Thank you all for your responses 

BENECK, yes this was my first relationship.

I’ve been doing so much work on myself and trying to improve but everytime I see her, I get back all these memories and get lost in my head. I wonder about her and if she misses me, etc. she’ll never admit she’s wrong or even apologize due to pride. Maybe she doesn’t even think about me.  She’s  ignored any attempt I’ve tried a while ago.   When I see her face, I think about all the beutiful memories and moments. It’s so difficult for me to remind myself of how she treated me. And I blame myself for also becoming distant and guarded.

2 months ago on campus, we crossed each other, a foot apart. I said hey and smiled and she looked up and kept walking. At that moment I let it all go.
 
Then I see her 2 days ago. And now I’m scared of walking in that hallway again. I had to force myself to throw up the other day, just to calm down...

I had an intense dream about her last night. I haven’t had one in maybe 5+ months.

[Skip]

It is hard to be in the same social circle as an ex. When the relationship is N/C, its awkward as hell. It feels like a constant voice of disapproval.  I have an ex from years ago that I encounter from time to time and she won't make I contact. It's very off putting. I contacted once, a few years back, and suggested that we take a more collegial approach and she want adamantly against it. She has the same thing going with all her exes.

What you are experiencing is natural. Radical acceptance will help here. She is who she is.

Change your mindset and rehearse your actions for when you encounter her.

Tell me, based on all that you have learned... .

What is the best way to act her if she is in your path?
What is the best way to act her if she is talking to a friend and your friend acknowledges you?
What is the best way to act her if her friend stares at you?
What is the best way to act her if you are sitting behind her?
What is the best way to act her if you are accidentally make eye contact?

[zachira]

How hard it is to run into an ex when you once seemed to care for each other deeply, and now she ignores you as if you don't matter, and you perhaps wonder if you ever mattered to her. My therapist encouraged me to slow down and observe my feelings and the interactions when in the presence of a man who rejected me like my family has. This practice helped me to stay in the present moment and be calm instead of letting my mind race and feel and think all kinds of things that had nothing to do with the present moment. It can also be helpful to separate what is only about the present moment and what is affecting you in the present moment that is really about the past. I know you have been struggling with the pain of the end of this relationship for a long time. It is especially hard to heal when you do not know when you will be running into your ex. Can you practice ahead of time as if you were an actor how you might think, feel, and respond when you run into her? What are the best ways for two people to end a relationship so that both partners can go on with their lives and be grateful for the time they had together even though the romantic/sexual relationship has ended?

[CryWolf]

Thank you zachira and Skip. I took a step back and reassessed the issue. My uni is small and we all have same major so it’s going to happen.
 
It sucks and I miss her. But I’m accepting it and it’s okay to miss her. If I see her, and we make eye contact I’ll just smile and make my way or continue walking and give her the NC she wanted. I think this is the most attractive standpoint.

Wednesday night, I was with my female friend and we walked to my class and sat outside a few minutes before class. We saw my ex’s friend. He was across from us and it looked like he took a picture of us. When I first noticed that, I told myself “no way I’m overthinking this”. Then my friend says a few seconds later “hey I think he took a pic of us”... .I told her, that I was thinking the same thing but didn’t want to assume. But we both agreed it looked very very obvious. He then walks into class and I wasn’t looking but my friend tells me he was staring at us while walking in.

Not sure why this guy took a photo of me or keeps staring at me, it gave me a sense of closure and power back. And I felt so much better.

[zachira]

It sounds like you might be still in your ex's life though she tries to act like that is not the case. We really don't know why her boyfriend might have taken a picture of you with a female friend, and both of you thought this, so what you are thinking is very possible. Your ex must be talking about you to her new boyfriend, and her new boyfriend possibly took the picture to show that you have moved on. You are planning to honor her desire for NC unless she makes eye contact and then will smile which is indeed the high road. I am glad you are now getting closure and feel you are getting your power back. Does it help to know that she likely still cares about the end of your relationship and just can't acknowledge that? How does that make you feel, if this is the case?

[CryWolf]

zachira

That’s not her boyfriend, just a guy classmate/friend. I’ve seen him before when me and my ex were together. They shared a class. The higher you go in the science field here, the more faces you see and end up taking classes with the same people over and over. It’s a recurring theme I’ve witnessed with others too. The old me, would be obsessing over who this guy is but now I know my worth and what I bring to the table. She’s probably venting about me to him, like she has to other people before. He did look at her when they saw me, like he knew of me.

Last semester, another one of my ex’s friend, who now calls me her best friend and we FaceTime and talk a lot. Told me how my ex used to bring me up in class and show classmates our pictures. None of this made sense to me. But, throughout the hallways I had people from her class always staring. And I had the vibe they were staring. I thought I was obsessing, but my ex friend confirmed it a while ago.

It makes me feel better she feels some
Type of way. She did tell me during the break up how it would be on hard on her too.

I wish I could talk to her. I’m finding myself wanting to reach out but I shouldn’t as I’ve had before and it should be on her terms of she comes back. And like I mentioned before, and she’s mentioned herself. She has too much pride and ego. For her own good. A part of me also thinks, she might be embarrassed or feels somewhat guilty. Her parents offered her a car if she broke up with me. And last semester I found out she got a new car. But i don’t know if that’s how she feels. I wish she could acknowledge it and talk to me.


Today, her guy friend sat 2 seats down from me. I was making the girl next to me laugh and he was laughing at my jokes too . I’m probably being a little petty

[zachira]

Can you tell us a little more about why her parents offered her a new car if she broke up with you? How do you feel about the fact that she now has the new car? It makes sense she cannot discuss her feelings about the break up with you if she has parents that are this disrespectful of her choices. The likely possibility that she is venting to others about you, including a male friend who possibly took a picture of you with a female friend, says a lot. It sounds like a lot of people are getting tired of hearing her vent about you, and she doesn't have the maturity to face her feelings in a healthy way. I am hearing that you want a peaceful resolution with her; it seems you are unlikely to get it because she has a lot of growing up to do, especially with all the outside interference from her parents.

[CryWolf]

Can you tell us a little more about why her parents offered her a new car if she broke up with you? How do you feel about the fact that she now has the new car?

Her parents are racist. Im persian, and she is chinese. When I used to go to her house, I would be polite and they ignore me. They yell at her for why I'm there. They used to tell her things like "my people are abusive and he will abuse you, look at the women in their country". It came to a point at the end, where she had to hide talking to me. She went behind their back to see me. I had to pick her up on the side of the house, she would lie to them about where she was. Last time i was there, her dad made her cry and we had to leave the house.

They had no reason to hate me. Just racist and discriminative people. My ex resents her parents, but looking back now, their approval probably means a lot to her.

How do you feel about the fact that she now has the new car?

I feel betrayed. But I understand. We're both in college and need all the help we can get. I want the best for her. I told her I understood if she did take the car, but she told me she picked me instead. I put two and two together and realized she lied to her parents telling them we broke up, then essentially we did break up. It probably got too much for her, idk.

She doesnt like her parents, but then out of nowhere seeks their approval or doesnt want to make them mad. But then other instances, wouldnt care if they got mad or not. It was confusing.

[Cromwell]

uhm Petty is not the word id use from reading the story, 'suspicious' fits.

Some guy Ive never spoken to is actively listening in to my conversations and laughing out loud at my jokes, taking pictures of me and staring at me.

Id be saying something - but it is too smutty for this family website.

This is not going to be wished away CryWolf, its been going on for months and it just seems to escalate. All these things you mentioned do not equal closure, they are triangulated forms of harassment.

My life only got back on track and started to put a halt to similar silliness when I got out the love fog that she would be beyond doing anything wrong or damaging. My ex could and did do stuff like this, only to wake up the next morning and regret it. but thats why I ultimately left her as this pattern went on, it doesnt matter if she feels guilty, it matters that it was one new problem after a next that I didnt want in life.

Your not even in a r/s with her and having to put up with this stuff as if you were.

Just my friendly advice to say avoid assumptions, or getting complacent,. anxiety can amplify stuff in our minds but that is not to say that we are wrong either. Just like you said earlier you felt you were being watched but put it down to obsessing, then later found out you were actually right.

[zachira]

I am sorry you had to endure racist treatment by the parents of your ex. I have had many Persian friends and a boyfriend. I have studied some Farsi. The Persian culture and people I have experienced are amazing: kind and cultured. It seems you are looking for a way to heal from this relationship and it is uncomfortable for you to be on bad terms with anyone. I also seem to hear that you have mixed feelings about getting back together with her. What is is that still attracts you to her, and what are some reasons you would not want to get back together with her?

[CryWolf]

uhm Petty is not the word id use from reading the story, 'suspicious' fits.

Some guy Ive never spoken to is actively listening in to my conversations and laughing out loud at my jokes, taking pictures of me and staring at me.

Thats a good way to look at it Cromwell

This week, i've paid no mind and randomly ask him questions about class to keep it light and show im not bitter or anything. Im acting like I dont know who he is.

I also seem to hear that you have mixed feelings about getting back together with her. What is is that still attracts you to her, and what are some reasons you would not want to get back together with her?

Thank you for the endearing words Zachira  
My family was nothing but nice and welcoming. Although they were aware of our fights

I do miss her. I feel that we both were immature when we dated. I've been putting in work, studying, improving my anxiety and needy behaviors. I hope we can restart and have a better approach to it.

What attracts me to her? Her kindness, generosity, the connection, how I recall her face/voice when Im missing her. How a part of her will always be with me. All the memories, and beautiful moments I shared, that no one else could replace. How she loved me when she wasnt in a depressive state.

Reasons i wouldnt get back? I doubt she put any work in herself. It seems like she is still pity or mad over the break up because I didnt want friendship but only a relationship. And shes been bad mouthing me. She was manipulative at times. She neglected me or pushed me away. constant break ups, fog, highs and lows. The accusations, not accepting any blame or responsibility. I felt like I always put more work in the relationship. her inconsistency.

I want to send her another text message, but looking at the history, ive tried reaching out multiple times and was responded with no response.

A part of me, tries to justify it by her feeling blame, guilt, shame. I always mention her major pride and ego issues.

I feel stuck right now with my feelings. Right when I forget, or dont think of her. The universe brings something related to her in my life.

[CryWolf]

my female friend, same one that my exes friend took a pic of me with.

went up to my ex and one of her friends (the guy that posted her on his ig a while ago) because she knew the guy. then she introduced me and me and the guy knew each other. i blocked him on instagram and he knows, but he brought up "oh i tried finding you on instagram"...

the whole time, my ex girlfriend never turned her head to see me. she kept looking at her computer, going from website to website. i was hoping she'd turn back. but she didnt. she couldnt even face me... .

she wants nothing to do with me, or the emotions are too hard for her to face me. Idk. I wish I knew. I wish I wasnt at this school anymore. I feel like i will never get over this relationship. She knows I hate not being acknowledged and ignored. and shes been doing a great job at it.

After all this time, I hoped her feelings for me would come back. She would reestablish contact. But no. She's still pretty immature and childish.

[CryWolf]

update: my friend told me how my ex texted in the group chat talking about me...

also, when her and her friend left, they went out of there way to pass by me and my friends study room just to see what we were doing.

[Cromwell]

After all this time, I hoped her feelings for me would come back. She would reestablish contact. But no. She's still pretty immature and childish.

I know it is totally awkward and upsetting situation to be in, but im trying to see this from both sides. She suggested that she wanted to stay friends after the break up but you didnt want to?

If you are thinking of changing or leaving college, your happiness and health is priority. Ive left a job before because id split up with a girl, she didnt cause me any problems and still talked even said to me "you dont have to leave because of me". But I didnt want to see her, have small talk, changed job easily and the problem was solved overnight, no more awkwardness.

on the other hand, youve stuck this out for awhile and done really well considering her in close proximity and triggering. maybe how you are feeling now is part of a sign that you are just around the corner from closure, and emotionally it will become easier to deal with if by the sounds of it you are starting to see this as a dead end street?

[Skip]

My ex resents her parents, but looking back now, their approval probably means a lot to her... .She doesnt like her parents, but then out of nowhere seeks their approval or doesnt want to make them mad. But then other instances, wouldnt care if they got mad or not. It was confusing.

I think William Shakespeare penned this story in 1595... .but with a different ending... .but not better   

Wolf, if the parents nixed it, the relationship had very little chance. It's very to overcome a strong negative family reaction - parent, kids, whatever. These things mostly don't end well.

I think you might be torturing yourself with the theory that "she wants you" but the parents are blocking her. The negative environment was more than the relationship could support. It sounds like she "flipped".  She may be resentful about her parents being controlling... .but they are her parents... .and she is "bought into" the flip.

It's not nice or fair. Parents do this more than you might think. They can be very judgemental of the boyfriends.

It sounds like at this point is that there is some "game" in play at your expense... .if you play at any level you lose.

Letting go and giving them nothing is probably the best you can do.

It sucks when people stoop to this level.

[CryWolf]

Hey all, I had to take some time away from this site and focus on myself and have been going out with new friends and having new experiences. I was thinking about my ex heavily the past few weeks but I believe its part of the grieving process. That these feelings come and go.

Update on the situation: I messaged my ex a light hearted message and told her Im here if she ever chooses to talk and I dont want any animosity between us. She never opened it. This hurt and still hurts but it is what it is. I have been so sad wondering if she ever thought or cared or even missed me, but based off everything going on it does seem so despite not hearing it directly from her. I also realized trying to get this validation has been unhealthy for me. I was so upset why she couldn't even face me on campus. But it could be hard for her too. Who knows. Im letting go.

I started going out more with my female friend and posting pics on facebook. I went to musuems, concerts, new food places, hiking, and going to new york for spring break!

Once I posted a pic with my female friend, my friend knows about my ex too. She noticed my ex going out of her way to get her attention.Staring at her, body facing my friend, talking loud and laughing loud (my ex would do this too when she was giving me silent treatment scrolling through facebook).

A few days ago, I got an email from a professor saying she found my lab notebook in her class. Heres two things... : 1) I havent used a lab notebook in over a year. 2) I dont have class anywhere on that whole floor this semester... .

I have given my notebooks to only two people. My friend, and my ex. My friend sent me a pic of my notebook in her hand. So suspect #2 is involving my ex. This happened right after when I told my exes friend Im going NYC for spring break and checking out grad schools...

Of course this could mean anything, and I dont want to jump to conclusions. Thank you all for listening and helping.

-Wolf