hellofromchaos
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 1
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« on: February 03, 2019, 02:05:51 PM » |
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I've been in the emotionally intimate friendship I've ever had for the past 20 years. Although the relationship was never sexual per se, we have been one another's #1. My therapist agrees that it's like I'm going through a divorce after a long term marriage.
I was very unwell until about 2015. From 1999 until then, this person was a key support in my life. As I began to stabilize when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and began lithium, I increasingly was in the position of being the emotional whipping girl. (I had seen this a lot in the past, but justified the behavior because those people had more emotional resources and spoons than we did.)
She's an amazing person. She used to be the first person I called whenever anything good happened in my life. I don't want to paint this as a relationship of pure chaos.
However, three years ago, she snapped at me when I bought the wrong kind of carrots at the grocery store, and then went back to being sweet as pie to her niece on the phone. This has happened on an increasing basis. I noticed that in weeks and months when I was doing very well, she would be particularly cruel in unjustified ways. Starting about a year ago, she began saying things that were intentionally hurtful. Things did not go over well this summer, when I told her I needed to take a break after I refused to be a proxy in a text war between her and her mother. I told her I needed to have a period of no contact of three months, which had to be extended to four months.
When we got back in touch, she told me that two other members of our chosen family had talked about how me taking space was a symptom of my bipolar disorder. I have checked in with them just now, and this conversion never happened.
We hardly talk anymore. Any attempt to support her ongoing cycle of chaos is met with the assertion that I have it better than her. (I'm on disability, and do struggle, but have gained the skills to be better.) Any attempt at constructive criticism is met with venom.
I'm infuriated that she lied to me, as the most recent attempt to get me back on the shame bus I worked so hard to escape by building stability and having lots of therapy.
I know that it takes two to tango. In a conflict, both parties bear some responsibility. We hardly ever talk, and when we do I don't share anything about myself, particularly joys. But it's infuriating me that she flat out lied, that she's tried to manipulate me back into misery, and that I can't even call her have a productive conversation about it. She'll just end up saying it's on me. (Confrontation/discussion would also basically force emotional labor upon two other people we consider chosen family, which I think isn't so good boundary wise.)
I still love her deeply as a friend, but I am done with this bull. She's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, but that also means that her defense mechanisms are incredibly complicated and laced with booby traps.
I guess I ultimately know that unless she actually stays in therapy and learns to take feedback, she'll keep swimming around in the same fishbowl, with this days or week's crisis castle at the center of all she does. It's just profoundly sad for me as well.
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