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Author Topic: My worlds collapsed and this feeling in my heart is overwhelming me.  (Read 592 times)
Steppingforward

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« on: December 30, 2018, 11:39:54 AM »

This thread was split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=330320.0;all

Please help me. I was right. She was cheating on me with her child’s teaching assistant. I found out and all was admitted. She seemed nonchalant about it. Almost uncaring that I found out. I lost my temper and screamed pretty much every pent up rage I had. How can she do that to me. I know intellectually that it’s a disorder. I know what it’s about. Still does not help the overwhelming pain I’m feeling right now. Im actually thinking suicidal thoughts! I think I’m losing it. I feel so alone. My worlds collapsed and this feeling in my heart that’s about to burst out is overwhelming me. I want to die. I’m not going to do it. I gave a family that loves me who I neglected for her for 6 years. I feel ashamed of that and hate myself for allowing the abuse I endured which was for nothing. I told her it was over. She just accepted it. Her child who has Aspergers seem to not be that bothered either which hurts. Was I seriously acting like a parent to them both and I thought it was ok for 6 years? It’s crazy I’m just lonely and I have to realise I would never find that kind of love again because it was not healthy. (I’m not sure why but can’t see the latest posts hence why I have not messaged in)
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Bnonymous
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« Reply #1 on: December 30, 2018, 01:05:33 PM »

Hi Steppingforward,

I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds very painful for you. 

I'm glad that you are not planning to follow through on your suicidal thoughts. It's still important to take these seriously though. Have you reached out to your doctor and/or therapist?
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"You remind me of someone who is looking through a closed window and cannot explain to himself the strange movements of a passer-by. He doesn’t know what kind of a storm is raging outside and that this person is perhaps only with great effort keeping himself on his feet." - Ludwig Wittgenstein
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« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2019, 12:50:03 PM »

this is hard news, Sf. you have a great deal of yourself into this relationship.

how are you holding up today? it helps to talk.
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« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2019, 11:00:42 PM »

Hi Steppingforward,
  My Heart goes out to you !  I have been RIGHT where you are with the same exact feelings & most intense heart ache I've ever felt in my life w my uBPDw of 35yrs  from the same type of disclosure !    It is SO Difficult to deal with can make you physically ill as it did w me!
 Please continue talking about it to whomever you can ,including us here, Thpst, close friend or family support.  It is what brought me to this board & also to 12 step S-Anon group(scared to go to my 1st meeting & actually the single  most healing thing I did for the problem) and between all of those  I have done much healing for myself and despite it all I'm in a much better place today.
  Sending you  Healing Prayers & Support   
 NGY
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Notgoneyet
Steppingforward

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« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2019, 02:28:05 AM »

Bnonymos thanks for the reply. I have reached out to my doctor she referred me to therapy which I started but stopped going. I was given sleeping tablets for the next 14 days. From the moment I wake up it starts with the thinking till I sleep. It’s the dissociative states I get in that’s worrying me. I don’t wNt to hurt myself just want the pain to end inside my heart.
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Steppingforward

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« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2019, 02:34:40 AM »

Onceremoved again thank you for all the replies. Today is the 3rd day if a new year. I’m flying away on Saturday to snowy mountains to get away from everything. I just feel numb, anger and broken but it’s this shame that hurts the most. What I endured and accepted and let her abuse me. I just feel so dead without her that even now I’m tempted to call her. I can’t stop her contacting me which is mainly her starting by saying how sorry she is which then gets changed to her sadness which leads to her money worries which leads to me still helping her even though she betrayed me in the worst possible way. This leads to more shame. I know she’s not doing this on purpose Oman evil way. A bit like asking a burn victim to think of me while she’s knocking me around while she’s in pain. I need to shop the contact completely but can’t. I also can’t stop crying everyday. Grown man crying... .great.
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Steppingforward

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« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2019, 02:47:00 AM »

Notgoneyet - thanks and it’s good to hear from you. It’s made me physically ill in that I lost 25% weight in the last 3 months and I was slim to start with.

It’s weird as I get multiple waves a day where it hits you like a ton of bricks no matter where you or what your doing.

35 years is a long time, after 2 years I knew there was something wrong. It just got worse and worse. But you just don’t see it somehow to something about it or your trapped and can’t. It’s weird it’s almost like losing a child as you looked after her and did things for her you would only do for your child.

It’s made me look at myself more and why I was attracted to, stated and endured it. I grew up with a perfect loving mother with a bad tempered but decent man narcissistic trait dad. Watched my mother bend backwards for him and grew up thinking this is what you do in relationship and life.

I met her and this has brought up my childhood and made me examine myself. Why I’m so forgiving nd giving with no thought for myself. I’m more happy knowing other people like me. It’s time I started getting happy nd loving myself.

Just that after 6 years of only focusing I her I feel dead inside and my life feels dead outside. Neglected friends and famil. Seeing how my family still loves me despite what I put them through is hard. But I’m trying.

She has a disorder and she was never capable of having a healthy relationship and I was so desperate to feel loved that I
Was blind to it.

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Steps31
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« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2019, 02:53:39 AM »

Give yourself time, forgive yourself, and love yourself
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2020
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« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2019, 04:08:39 AM »

Steppingforward... .I just read your post above and your history is virtually IDENTICAL to mine. I am grieving right now the potential loss of a partner. It is so very sad to read the pain and suffering here. Lots of dead dreams and sad tragic ends. I hope we all get to find some peace somehow and some happiness is on the horizon. Take care of yourself. This is tough stuff... .
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Steppingforward

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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2019, 05:51:36 AM »

Thanks steps31 - all three things you mentioned is what I need. But Time feels torturous, forgiving yourself is hard with the shame of subjecting myself to her abuse for years and loving myself is hard when you feel unlovable.

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Steppingforward

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« Reply #10 on: January 03, 2019, 06:14:32 AM »

2020 - Sorry to hear your going through the same. It’s just been such a shock reading your life in websites regarding a disorder you never heard of before.

Thing is you get so emeshed with her that you live your life through their agony. The worst thing for me is the emptiness after and no one understanding it. How could they we didn’t have a clue before either... As much as I agonised being with her it’s dead and empty without.

It’s because of this emeshment. We, well I, ended being a husband/parent/care giver. It’s why it’s so hard when it’s gone. It became your life and now you a shell of a person.

I know the way forward is to concentrate on myself, think about who I actually am and separate  it from her and get stronger

Easier said than done. Starting emotionally from scratch. Making new friends, filling up the huge spaces of time you have now where before it was completely filled up by her.

I don’t think about what she is doing it with who she’s with as it hurt too much. But she’s not well. She has a serious disorder.

It was not us it was them. I think we all have issues ourselves to deal with for choosing and staying with them. I can only speak to myself but there was a reason why I ignored the signs and that’s what I’m trying to concentrate on now.

I hope it starts getting better for you and if your like me you might be thinking everything and everyone else you speak to or meet feels dead and unrelatable to you now and even treating yourself feels weird.

I’m rambling, hope it gets better for both of us. Yes it’s tough and no one seems to get it who has not been through it. I find myself eagerly trying to explain it to anyone who asked but even I sound crazy to myself. Take care 2020 main thing is we don’t walk backwards hurting ourselves and keep stepping forward no matter how small those steps are.

If we loved ourselves we would not have such a dependence on their love to begin with.
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« Reply #11 on: January 03, 2019, 06:37:06 AM »

Thank you Steppingforward. Your words make total sense to me. I was going through my past with her explaining to my 26 year old son who has known her since he was 15. It was shocking what she did to me. I have been treated so badly. The violence which only became this evident once we 'officially' became a couple, has intensified rapidly in the past year. My emails to my sister over a 2 year period have become more and more desperate. Yet here I am still in love. I am not sure why? Because she is beautiful and said such nice things to me? Most of our interactions have become so awful recently. This had to come to a head, one way or another. She has been totally controling this home. I cannot take my boys to the shop, give them a lift to a friend, cook for them. On the other hand I drive her everywhere, and I have always opened the car door for her like a gentleman or a fool.

My dad was/is a complete  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) . I do not talk to him. I feared for my life and begged for it on two occasions as a little boy. I have had a gun pointed at me. I have had all my toys and drawings smashed up, everything. And when I grew up I found the biggest  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post) myself to be in relationship with... .and I modeled myself on my mother, my dear kind mother who is no more.

I do not know what is going on for me right now. I am being totally cut off from my partner's life. One thing my son said earlier... .She has done such bad, disrespectful things to you before, she will unfortunately be back in a month or two and act as is nothing has happened. If I can get strong in this time, I will hopefully be in a better position to ... .what? What exactly will I do? Yes I want her back! But this is just so hurtful. This time has just about finished me. Thank you for understanding.
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Steppingforward

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« Reply #12 on: January 03, 2019, 10:25:50 AM »

Hey 2020 sorry to hear all that your going through.

I can’t say that what I say below applies to you my friend when I say “we” it is purely from my perspective

The thing is we hear what our loved ones tell us like your sister or your son and while your brain agrees we still follow that emotional pull inside and can’t help it. It almost feels like a magnet pulling you back to her because it feels better than what your feeling right now and with the tiny hope it will be better this time.

I never had violence from her but it was emotional abuse. But neither should be condoned and we both know this. Does she say sorry for it after like mine does? Mine did and I’m just so forgiving that I went back each time.

Let’s face it, we are a result of our upbringing. We suffer now like our mothers did because we grew up thinking that was love. You like me did not want be that bad father (no one liked him) so we became the kind, giving, forgiving mother. So when we get treated the same as our fathers did we do what our mothers did.

Problem is we got with a person with these disorder issues and now we can’t help but love them no matter what they do. Yes I’m sitting right now staring at my phone hoping she would call but at the same time dreading it.

That’s why you need to focus on yourself. She will come back just like I know mine will too. It’s hard almost impossible to resist because the whole time during the break you have 100% focused on her. If like me you are also self sabotaging everything else just to enable her so I started hating myself. 6 years later and everything else in my life has been consumed by her so she’s all that you got left.

 Just need to ask yourself is it too late to love yourself for once and stop it.

Yes the intimacy and sex and her looks are amazing when it’s there. But  I hope I will hammer it into my head that it’s fake it’s not real it’s not reciprocal and she is only holding a mirror of who I wish I was. That’s all she doing.

That good, amazing, out of this world feeling you feel when she’s with you? That feeling comes from you not her. So I’m trying to convince myself that if it comes from me and not her then it’s not her I want so desperately to be loved by.

It’s me.

Stay strong 2020.


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« Reply #13 on: January 03, 2019, 03:55:32 PM »

have you spoken with her since?
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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
2020
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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2019, 08:13:21 PM »

Excerpt
Let’s face it, we are a result of our upbringing. We suffer now like our mothers did because we grew up thinking that was love. You like me did not want be that bad father (no one liked him) so we became the kind, giving, forgiving mother. So when we get treated the same as our fathers did we do what our mothers did.

Steppingforward, I can totally relate to your words. Sounds like we come from the same family! I too am sitting here hoping she will contact me but it is looking like it won't happen for a long time, if at all. They play tricks on our mind, or perhaps we do. They have manipulated our world to suit themselves and we have adjusted our own behaviour to accommodate them. Maybe we need to see it for what it is. For some reason you appear to be holding up a lot better than I have been. I just hope I can muster up some inner strength to pull myself through.

It sounds very much like we are in the same situation. I have had five years of this and am at the same crossroads at the same time of year. I really enjoy your posts here, well enjoy is probably not the right word! Who can get pleasure from this? I get strength is what I wanted to say. You take care and keep writing. You are helping me process this.
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Notgoneyet
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« Reply #15 on: January 03, 2019, 10:02:59 PM »

Steppingforward,
  Yes I still remember "the waves of pain & anxiety" . I didn't sleep more than an hr or 2 for weeks. Finally got a full nights sleep after trying some guided meditation recordings & yoga of all things. (self care) to the max!
 Great to hear you are taking a little getaway by yourself. Sking sounds perfect, I'm a Midwesterner who loves the snow & all winter sports!  That's a great start to healing  . Spoil yourself a bit even if it doesn't quite feel normal . We sometimes forget how to do that for ourselves while we're busy (caregiving) to our so(BPD) 
 Time heals all ,so give yourself some. Keep up the good work , NGY

 
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Notgoneyet
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« Reply #16 on: January 04, 2019, 03:08:14 AM »

Hey Onceremoved - yeap she’s called me a number of times now which I have painfully ignored. I know if I answer it will draw me back in. Her brother and her Mother has too. Her brother is a decent guy and he understood my point but just kept saying he knows she loves me.

My hurt is the lies and her reaction to being caught again. I could almost see a look of hatred and anger when I showed her my proof. It changed back straight away.

I know I can’t carry this on. Unless she acknowledges her problem then a relationship with anyone but with her family won’t work. There is not that unconditional love with anyone else to give them that. That’s why I messed up I gave her unconditional love to her for 6 years. No one can do that unless it’s your own child.  So I’m not saying they should never have a chance to have a relationship. Their just not ready.

I told her that when I found out that it’s over. She cried and screamed to have a break only and whether this was it. I told her I’m going away for a week and want no contact. Then we can talk about the split and what kind of relationship I can have with her child who I helped raise with her as I don’t want to lose contact with him.

I’m sticking to this boundary.

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Steppingforward

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« Reply #17 on: January 04, 2019, 03:30:27 AM »

2020 - I know right now it’s all you can think about. That’s what I’m doing. From the moment you wake up to the moment you sleep if you even get to sleep.

The thing is it’s this isolation and dead feeling is unbearable. Its because we emeshed and attached to them so hard that now the split is there you DONT KNOW who you are. Where you start and she ends.

Now I can tell you now you must concentrate on yourself, get stronger, treat yourself etc etc etc. But the things we want to change about ourselves are long term changes and treating  yourself feels foreign almost guilty.

Basically I think we need to realise it’s not HER LOVE we want but our own.

Think about it when she was there and she was loving you showing that good side, blowing your mind away in bed. She gave you everything you needed for YOU to love yourself. So you were happy.

When things got worse you would only see glimpses of this so you end up killing yourself chasibg that feeling again. You end up living through her head to avoid her triggers.

Now that your discarded we are looking at our own lives and the glimmer of hope of being with someone is gone and your own insecurities and hate comes flooding back. This along with devastating your own life makes you feel only SHE can give you that good feeling and no one else. But that good feeling came from you not her. It came from that feeling of being loved.

I may appear to be handing it better but I’m not. Im still hopelessly lost in my own mind. I go through phases of despair.  Everything above make sense but it’s hard to beat that feeling. It’s a bit like me telling you when your feeling cold think warm thoughts! It helps but won’t stop you feeling cold.

All we can do is go over it in our heads and reason with your feelings. In other words when your heart starts beating and you feel it screaming go through why your here in the first place.

 I wrote down as many bad incidents that I went through with her. The two cheating incidents, the times she shouted and abused, or used me for money. You don’t think about all these things, you forget then because you forgive them.

Write them down, it helps for me to go through them when I’m having that daily met down thinking about her. It reminds you of the reasons why you are here and that’s it’s her actions and not her words that count.



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Steppingforward

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« Reply #18 on: January 04, 2019, 04:25:02 AM »


Hey Notgoneyet - definitely forgotten how to treat myself. Have not in 6 years and prob before that to. Yeap the holiday will help I hope.

It’s all fresh but it’s just hard picking up the pieces of your life back. Time heals but time right now hurts. It does help to have someone who will listen to you but it’s so much better when you talk to people who went through the same or with people who know BPD.

Thanks for the replies you have helped and hope you are happier now.

 
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« Reply #19 on: January 06, 2019, 09:41:19 PM »

 Steppingforward,
 I am doing MUCH Better , and still married believe it or not .
 Two of the best pieces of advice that I got out of my 1st few S-Anon meetings were " You don't have to make any decisions right away on what to do with the relshp ,wait 6 mo" & "You're  not alone and there is much help for you just for the asking"   
   I followed them both & so glad I did. While we still have A LOT of things to work through we are having more good days then bad & I'm happily working on ME more then her .    Something else that was kind of foreign to me ( Asking for help & taking it when offered) This junk we're sorting through isn't easy even with help and I my opinion almost impossible alone!                                                                                                   Hope your having some fun in the snow! As well as getting a little extra, much needed rest
  Wishing you peace & serenity NGY
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« Reply #20 on: January 17, 2019, 02:06:25 AM »

Hey all

Back from my holiday and the change of scenery and the fact I ceased all contact (I turned off my phone) helped. I did tell her before I went I’d be doing this as I know she would be anxious and panic over it if I didn’t. I do still care how she feels and I don’t want to see her like that.

She still bombarded me with emails. But since coming back it’s turned from pleading me back to anger back to pleading and so forth. I know again this may be her fears of abandonment and the push pull that comes with it.

I feel stronger than before. The despair I was feeling really is about  my own fears and anger of being hurt and being on my own.

It’s almost like a fog that’s been lifted after 6 years of extremese ups and downs.

My advice to anyone going through this with the partner ex or otherwise is give yourself 2 weeks of no contact. Try and stop focusing on them and focus on yourself no matter how small the steps. You will go through (well I did) through foetal like despair to anger and back again. This is normal.

It did not work for me with her. The thing is it may work for others. It’s a personal choice. I personally could not as I looked back at the relationship and realised that the ups and downs was all we had. We both were hurting each other. Her emotions versus my enabling.

Basically i have told her that I can’t be in a relationship with her. I still care and love her but  it’s just not healthy for either of us to stay together. If In the future she gets better and to be fair I also get better then who knows if we meet at another crossroad. As sad as it is we were making each other worser despite or because of these intense emotions we both had for each other.
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« Reply #21 on: January 17, 2019, 08:01:38 AM »

Hi SteppingForward:  My daughter is diagnosed and reading your posts reminds me of all three of the men she's had more "serious" relationships with.  She is who she is, and as such, has cheated on all three of these fellas and then, didn't have an "appropriate" emotional reaction after the fact.  What a more "normal" person would expect just wasn't/isn't there.  From a romantic perspective, I know the pain and agony, because her father (my ex from many years back now) was like that.  I have also witnessed the BPD as a mother to a child... .and while it affects differently, it has still been distressing for me in ways (looking back over the years and wishing for something that just never would transpire from her).
I guess I am saying that I can relate to the pain and feelings you have and I can also tell you that in reading your posts, you are really doing a number on yourself by pointing your finger at yourself and accusing yourself of so much stuff... .you are really pissed with you... .and I think that is wrong... .because there is NOTHING wrong with wanting a love, giving it your all and through no fault of your own, the partner fails the relationship and causes a breakdown to it.  Sure, you may want to look at what all happened over the course of time and choose to tweek some of your things... .how you relate, where you put your boundaries with others... .whatever changes you might want to implement... .BUT, what you're going thru is hard enough without you putting more distress on your own self, by accusing yourself.  During that relationship, you made the best choices and decisions, based on the information you had at the time.  We all do that.  Love yourself, young brother, is what I am saying to you... .because you are a great guy and you took a chance on someone else, and that someone else betrayed you.  YOU deserve lots of love right now... .so give it to yourself, and you are going to find quite amazingly that when you do that, others are going to want to give you love, too... .
All the best and may you have a beautiful today... .

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« Reply #22 on: January 17, 2019, 09:00:09 PM »

  Steppingforward,
 Welcome back good to hear from you & thanks for the update. So great to hear your doing better!  Sounds like the vac & time away was a wise plan. Kudos to you!   
 
 Nice to hear you've got some clarity with what you want for yourself going forward.  Yes as you stated with the (FOG) clearing. It's very difficult to navigate these BPD waters when you're in the FOG.
 Hope you stick around & continue posting & reading, learning here as you move forward with your plans.
  Strength & hope ,NGY   
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« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2019, 12:56:52 AM »

Hi Loveontherocks

Apologies for not replying sooner.

Thank you firstly for sharing this. I’m sorry that you experience this from both daughter and ex husband. That must be hard and must feel lonely. You are right that I should not just point the finger at myself. The thing is when you are in that fog you can’t see it.

I certainly won’t change my ways but this has made me look at myself as to why I would stay with someone that treated me this way. I’m starting to love myself. It is hard as I have never put myself first. in fact even before I met her I was like this.

But thank you for the comments they have helped me this morning. For yourself it must be difficult with your daughter. With my ex I knew she loved her mother very much. But there were days when my ex felt abandoned, either her mother refused to give her money or she felt less loved compared to her sisters; she would rant and rave and call her mother all manner of nasty things. Very hurtful things. Then an hour, a day Or days later would act as if nothing happened and her mother is the best again.

It is child like behaviour and that’s what I feel this disorder is. That they have the emotional capacity of a child. I don’t say this as an insult. It is not. This is why I do not hate my ex and have come to accept what happened. This is why I’m pointing the finger at myself... .I ignored these signs. I don’t blame myself just examining why I stayed. After 6 years it was like I was a single parent for her child and her. That’s not healthy.

Unlike me you have no choice with your daughter. I hope she is in therapy and at least recognises her problems.I think that is a crucial step. Sadly my ex knows she has BPD but thinks it is just a label and everyone else is wrong. It is almost as if, like a child, she cannot take responsibility and even the things she obviously does wrong, like lying or cheating, is because of factors outside of her control. It is too hard for them to accept.

Again thank you so much for the post. I really do hope things are bearable now?
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« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2019, 12:59:33 AM »

Hey NGY

Thanks again for everything. I will be coming here regularly as I feel it is important for myself and others to read and to share.

You do a lot of good here.
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« Reply #25 on: February 20, 2019, 10:41:14 AM »

Staff only This thread has reached its maximum length and is now locked. The conversation continues here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334257.0
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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