Never good enough for my partner

[FisherKing]

Hi,

it took me a while to reach out, venting always helps me and I could use an outside perspective. I am a guy in my 20s and my girlfriend is a few years older. She moved to my country from abroad and has been living with me for almost two years now. I did not know that she had BPD, only that she had mental problems in the past (she was not diagnosed then yet).

Me and my family have welcomed her and treated her as any regular person at first, though we did have rose glasses on (giving her everything she wanted, whenever she "whistled" me or my family would immediately fetch it and buy it etc, I paid off her student debt etc.). She does not work and I honestly do not know if she is capable (she got hospitalized last month and was diagnosed with BPD mixed with HPD, though honestly I do not see the HPD in her at all, but she does show like 8 of the 9 criteria for BPD that I have seen in I hate you don't leave me and stop walking on eggshells). So she gets everything paid for, she does not have to do anything. She is a great artist and very creative, but whenever me or my parents would attempt to get her some business by referring people, taking her out on exhibitions to show off her art etc. she would get commissions and such, yet she would end up being unreliable, never able to fulfill a deadline or just abandoning her work altogether.

Now sorry for jumping back and forth... .everything has taken a toll on me. I have chronic pain from some handicaps I was born with, but I try my hardest to overcome it. Over the last two years with her, I have experienced the greatest of love but also the greatest of hate from her. I feel like I never do enough, she posts online slandering me and my family, she calls us children, immature, stupid, illogical, she wishes cancer and death upon me and my family and so on and then she "snaps" out of it and is immensely loving to lure me back in (though this manipulation I believe she does not do consciously), she changes reality of what happened to fit her feelings about the matter and if I call her out on it, I am the one gaslighting and the manipulative one.

She wants me to buy a new house and to have children with her, but honestly - I am afraid of it. I do not want to abandon my family who I am very much close with, not to mention the house she wants is pretty expensive, would require repairs and maintenance that would be solely on my shoulders, but she does not see the value of money so this is hard to communicate to her (yet I am the one who is childish and immature and who does not know how to deal with money when she is the one who spends it all on impulsive buys or does not stick to a budget).

She got hospitalized as I mentioned and is now taking antidepressants, antipsychotics and some calming medicine (clonazepam I think) and I have scheduled therapy for her (of course paid by me and my family) - her parents offered to support her a bit which is only fair, but she refused it because she wants to "preserve" her honor. Her parents were not good for her and they caused most of her issues, but it is only fair they take some of the responsibility if they could not do so before, or am I wrong?

I am exhausted physically and mentally and I wonder how long I can do this. I want a future with her but so far, everything points to HER future and me just being there as a sidekick or cash cow, somebody who she can feel validated by, but not an equal partner. I have some hope now that she got hospitalized, realized she got BPD and recognizes it, got therapy scheduled and so on, but I can only pray that it will be good in the end.

I am sorry for the back and forth story, feel free to ask anything. Thank you!

EDIT: Sorry, I probably put this into the wrong section, I was just after a fight with my partner and not too attentive, maybe this should go into the Conflicted/Tolerating it section, thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Purplex]

Hi FisherKing and welcome to the family 

Glad you decided to post here, it's important to have a place to vent and share your experiences with others who can relate.
You and your family sound like very caring and kind people and your girlfriend is lucky to have found such a supportive environment. From my experience, therapy is essential to better a relationship with a pwBPD in the long-term, so it's great that you gf is willing to get professional help. Regarding the finances I totally agree that you should take her parents on their offer and that it would be reasonable to at least share the financial burden.
Maybe you could tell her that accepting their money doesn't make up for whatever happened in the past, but that it's a good thing that they are taking responsibility and that this might create an opportunity for step-by-step reconciliation in the future?

When we are so occupied with caring for somebody else we often forget to take some time to care for ourselves as well. Reaching out to others like you did here is already one way to take care of your needs and look out for yoursef. Maybe there are other things you could do with your family to help you unwind?

I also recommend joining other threads and keep sharing with other members. In my case, this helps a lot to keep me grounded and ready to adress whatever problems arise in my relationship by learnig different ways to approach them. You could take a look at the many tools and workshops on this site as well. Having a partner with BPD presents us with many difficult challenges and it takes a lot of strength to manage them appropriatly. This artice gives a good overview of what it means to be an emotional caretaker for our loved ones and in which ways we can make a positive contribution to our relationships. This might sound like a lot and it certainly is but there are tools and strategies that make it easier for us to implement those principles. Feel free to share your thoughts and ask any questions!
 

[FisherKing]

Thank you for the reply!

Yes, I have managed to convince her to accept money from her parents (but I had to do the calling by myself, she stayed in a different part of the house). Thank you for the link of the article, I need things like that. And I will be sure to post more, because for some strange reason it indeed does help! And with my family, I like spending time with them, but she gets irate when I do and tracks me down, feels abandoned when I leave even though I have my phone with me, ready to come rushing back and so on. I had to abandon my friends as well - she was quick to point out their negatives, diagnosed them with this or that disorder etc., and only now I am starting to reach back out to people I had to leave behind while I was 100% in her thrall.

[Purplex]

I am happy to hear that you managed to convince her to accept the aid of her parents and it's great that you are reaching out to your friends!
It's common for a pwBPD to cut us off and force us into isolation. But if we want to help our loved ones in the best way possible we need to have an outlet to regain our energy and collect ourselves. A stable support network is essential to that. It's a win-win situation, even if your gf cant see that (yet).
Maintaining friendships is an important value worth defending. Setting healthy boundaries that go with your values is tricky, communicating and defending them is even harder. This article offers great advice on how to approach boundaries and how to use them correctly.
I am looking forward to your updates and thoughts and to see you around the boards!  

[FisherKing]

Yes - it is quite disheartening to me but also a wake up call and a hope for the future, because for the time I have been with my girlfriend in the past I treated her as a mostly mentally healthy person, I keep thinking what if I knew that it was BPD, how things would have turned out better. We have went to psychotherapy for the first time yesterday and will be going intensely at least once or twice a week now. I have also signed up for a partners/relatives of BPD support group that also has DBT etc. so I am very excited to go there next week!

[Purplex]

Yes - it is quite disheartening to me but also a wake up call and a hope for the future, because for the time I have been with my girlfriend in the past I treated her as a mostly mentally healthy person, I keep thinking what if I knew that it was BPD, how things would have turned out better.

You know now and with all the new information and ressorces you have, you are set for a fresh start and things can still turn out better in the future.
Besides self-care, what else do you want to approach differently now that you know about her BPD?

It's awesome that you and your gf started therapy and that you found a local support group. Your experiences and thoughts could be of great value to other members as well, so don't hesitate to join other threads and keep us posted