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Author Topic: I can't be sick and need help  (Read 558 times)
isilme
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« on: February 07, 2019, 10:26:29 AM »

Just need to vent a bit.

My husband is only 41, but has developed diabetes II and kidney stone issues in the last 2-3 years. He has BPD, so a lot of the "management" fall to me to keep him on top of, always walking the delicate line between helping and nagging, his perception and projections of his feelings about his condition instead of my actual feelings about his condition. Basically, he admits he can't handle it alone, needs me with him at all doctor's visits because he gets so caught up in trying to appear a good patient he doesn't actually ask necessary questions. His BPD need to look good and not be thought of badly interferes, so I make lists and remind him, and also, I am the one who remembers what the doctors actually say, not his BPD-filtered versions. It's okay, this is part of being with a person with BPD, it's far from the worst aspect of the condition.

Overall, other than being overweight with allergies, and recently developed chronic migraines, I am the one in good health so I kinda just do everything that needs doing.

Unfortunately, about Christmas, I started running a fever, feeling generally more tired than normal, some respiratory distress. I figured it's a cold - lemme rest a few days. Nope. Okay, sinus infection, so I head to the stat clinic, get put on some antibiotics, fever still here, lungs are now feeling sore, tired. Go to my GP. Another round of antibiotics, Xray, bloodwork - I was feeling so poorly I passed out when they did the blood draw which of course freaked my husband out - I just do badly with needles - fever still here after 5 days, so they switch my antibiotics. Fever is still here, still exhausted, still having some shortness of breath issues, after completing that round, so I go back, they send me for a cat scan and tell me to schedule bloodwork, run a urinalysis, and give me more antibiotics.

My husband did not want me going alone for the blood work, or having it the same day as the cat scan, cuz I was going to have to drive about 30 miles away to get to it, and he thinks now that I will just pass out all over the place, hours later, days later. So, I had the cat scan yesterday, found out they needed to use an IV and some dye in it, so stupid me, I got turned away this morning when my husband went with me to get the blood work done. He was less than happy. Because even when it's about me, it's all about him.

Now, I've missed hours and days of work to get him all over (he does not really drive, he can, but his anxiety and lack of direction makes it less than desirable) for his appointments for almost 3 years. He has flat stated if I can't go, he won't. Even to visits here in town. We both work full time, I am the one who "adults" and keeps groceries in the house, manages the cleaning, washing, yard work, pet care. He is just there. I know he feels terrible a lot fo the time, and if how I feel is about how he feels I am not mad at him about not stepping up and doing dishes. Sad, but not mad.

Meanwhile, all but this morning I have gone alone. By myself. Because I don't need this - I don't need to be yelled at because they can't figure out what I've got. I don't need a lecture on how it's bad for him to miss work, How my fever is messing up his need to go for walks because he won't go without me. I am tired. I can't keep up with the house, he won't. I am trying to get a guy to mow my lawn today, I can't do it.

I just didn't need a micro explosion making it all about him. I already feel bad, feel guilty for getting sick, for needing to miss work, to take the car to go get tests and such, for not keeping my house "Disney on Ice" clean. I should have just gone myself as I planned the other day, but he vetoed it, and I was trying to show I respected his opinions. I am just tired, needed to vent.
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radoe
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« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2019, 10:49:02 AM »

I know you are venting.

Frequently it seems that it is about the person with the BPD.

They do want to loose us, but they don't want to need anyone.

It can be complicated.

You are doing an amazing job taking care of your hubby.
There are rewards for your kind and loving heart beyond this world

Hang in there.
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isilme
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« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2019, 11:57:54 AM »

radoe,

Thanks.  I am just feeling poorly, which taxes my coping skills, and I feel I can't fully confide MY worries and how scared all this is making me.  What could I have that is causing a low grade constant fever for over a month, that 5 rounds of different antibiotics can't kill?  I know he's essentially disabled when it comes to being as helpful as I sometimes need and want.  I get it.  And overall it does not make me mad... .just sad.  Sad because I know he tries, I know he feels the lack all on his own, and because I feel I need to marshall my abilities to not let it show, because he already can't handle it.  It's not that he is in denial most of the time, believing he's super emotionally strong, or even physically strong.  And this translates into depression on his part, anger at me for being sick, feelings of worthlessness for not making a point of going with me because he. just. can't. do. it. 

I don't want to push those feelings off on him even more by crying openly about how scared this is making me feel, worried, scared about letting him down, work down.  So I come here.
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isilme
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« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2019, 04:30:36 PM »

And I just got the cliff notes from my CT yesterday.  No word on my fever/chest pain, shortness of breath, but I apparently have a "lung nodule".  I am kinda freaking out.  I need another CT in March to verify it's not growing, in which case it's malignant, the idea of which is really scaring me.  I've never smoked, never lived in a house with a smoker, my only exposure has been at public places where others smoke.  I've had what seems like hundreds of sinus infections in 41 years, maybe it's just scar tissue? 

damnit.  I can't handle this.  I am crying and crying.  How do I tell my husband this?  His mind is going to go to the worst places.  He will be convinced I am abandoning him through dying.  Logic won't matter.  Trying to refrain from doom and gloom to help me feel better won't be in his toolbox.  I'm sorry.  I need to get feelings out so I won't be overwhelmed by his. 

I don't need this.  I am so tired.   
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« Reply #4 on: February 08, 2019, 10:44:45 AM »

Hang in there.
It is probably is noting as you have not smoked.

Telling you to stay calm or what ever will not work.

If you are a spiritual person seek strength and refuge there.
Spiritual support from your God is real, and can do miracles.

If your not, reach out to a friend, or make a friend.
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« Reply #5 on: February 09, 2019, 08:27:43 PM »


islime, I'm with you.

I don't know the future. I don't know how I would feel would I be in your shoes. Be gentle with yourself. It's a difficult patch. My prayers are with you.

My mother had something similar. It scared the hell of all of us, her, my sisters and I. Turned out hers did not develop.  It's been a good 5 years now. She like you never smoked.

I fell sick with a strong strand of flu last December myself. It's now gone, but the symptoms lingered and lingered for weeks. And the feeling of general fatigue. Still as of today I feel it.

I wondered at some point what it was I got.

Sure, I have no idea if this is relevant to your situation. Stories comes and go, minglings on a moment of bewilderment. Things happen. I haven't been on these boards for a long time and I happened to come today.

I wish you deep self-compassion isilme. All of this is not your fault. You are a strong and kind person. Sickness happens to all people. Take care. Very good care. Some moments are there to teach us to get out of our heads and to be more into the moment.

I'd venture this. Let him find the opportunity for self growth, no matter how smaller it might be to your (our) standards. There is mystery in this we cannot comprehend.

My spouse is acting a bit strange, similar to your husband, when under stressful situations. Since some weeks she has been seriously sick, and we are now waiting for her to get some test. She might need surgery. Today, after I cooked some mustard greens for her, and she loved them so much. She ate. Than got very sick. Later told me I had poisoned her.

... .We cannot tell what's going on in our loved ones' minds. We know that we know better than let all these words in. We can still chose. Amazing.

Keep us posted.

Brave

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isilme
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« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2019, 11:02:44 AM »

My CT results and report were uploaded to the patient portal, so I could read the comments by the radiologist.  The nodule is 5mm, in the lower right lung.  Much of what I've read says it's likely this is the result of infection, and I am feeling a little better.  Still scared, still thinkiing I need to work on a will and such, but not a weeping mess.  So, progress.

Made it to the lab today, got the blood drawn for testing.  H came with me, I left him in the waiting room.  I worry his anxiety will not benefit from seeing me in the chair, almost fainting, and also, I ramble and can't stop myself when I am like that, so I don't want him to get embarrassed, which is so easy for him to do - thanks, BPD. 

I gave them the same schpieil I always do, "I get dizzy, I have fainted, I get nauseous, I have cracked open my chin years back from this, please don't let me fall."  They were kind, I DID almost pass out but they were able to keep me from that brink, got what they needed, and I sat for a bit, then went to the waiting room, told him I was okay but got dim, so we sat for a bit. 

We walked to the bakery right by the car, the same complex as the lab, and I sat down again.  But I was freezing, so I slowly stood long enough to button my coat.  He got mad I stood up at all.  He paid, and we were about to leave, so I stood again, making sure to have my hand on something for support the whole time, and grabbed the bags of food so he'd have a free hand to open the car for me so I could sit quickly... .he got mad, grabbed them from me, and left me to fumble in my purse for my own keys to open my car door.  Basically, he doesn't understand when you're worried about someone falling, you make sure to have your keys in had, open the darn door asap, and get them seated.  If that means they hold a bag of donuts, so your hands are free, then that's what it means.  He took it as me trying to show off, show I was super woman.  I was like, no, I wanted you to open the car quickly... .you needed your hands free to do that, but since I am the driver, the one always in charge of getting the door open for him, he's never internalized this.  He was basically all fumbling trying to decide if he needed to hold everything (he usually does, because I am driving), not realizing as the driver he needs to readjust his "normal" methods for getting in the car.

So, I got yelled at for the luckily short drive to work (one bonus of small towns, everything is 15 minutes or less away in the city limits) for trying to show off, for making him look bad potentially (had I fallen he would have been embarrassed, worried he can't lift me, which is a dig at my weight and a poor-him comment about his own poor health.)

I get it - me being sick throws the balance in our house.  Me being exhausted means he either has to deal with a messy house, or do something about it... .right now, he chooses to do nothing.  He doesn't know how to deal with my needing medical testing.  He doesn't know how to be nurturing for extended periods of time - he tries, then if my feedback isn't 100% what he wants/needs, it's invalidating so f-off I'm not helping anymore.

I recognize it as a BPD issue.  He's scared/mad I am abandoning him.  I get it.  This is all a manifestation of his inability to deal with negative emotions, feeling upset at knowing it's being a dick to leave me on my own to manage this but at the same time feeling inadequate because it's so hard for him.  I get it.  I'm not THAT upset by it.  It just adds to my feeling tired.  And today I am kinda too tired to feel much emotional about it anyway.
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« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2019, 12:00:45 PM »


Wow! Thank you for sharing about your interactions around the car. I admire the clarity in your words. It seems all so simple, yet it's so harsh on us. The way all of this gets turned at us. As if. No wonder you are tired...

My thoughts are with you.

I'm glad to hear that the nodule might be something less threatening and that you could get that blood test done. May you get to find some bits of peace for a while now. Maybe get some rest. Or a bit more rest than you would normally take.

Take good care.
You are such a loving person.


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« Reply #8 on: February 11, 2019, 12:17:39 PM »

isilme,

Our prayers are with you!

I can certainly relate to your post here, in many many ways … know that you are not alone in this.

Kind Regards, Red5
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isilme
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« Reply #9 on: February 12, 2019, 09:13:44 AM »

Thanks, braveSune and Red5.

I am just waiting now for the bloodwork to come back and blood cultures to show if anything nasty is growing.  They said it might be the end of the week before all the tests can be reported.  I managed to get a log on to the patient reports page, where you can see all your results from work done at this lab.  Other than high cholesterol, and being overweight, I'm in great health according to my June numbers.  Chronic migraine and this mystery illness aside, lung nodule, and insomnia, (which I think some goes back to the migraine, as it's a neurological disorder causing pain and distorted nerve reporting when none is supposed to be there), I can usually manage to function okay.  I think over the last year, year and a half, I've gotten pretty run down, I kinda suck at self care, and so I think my body is really tired of everything.  I actually slept last night, I don't remember my usual intermittent wakings, and I feel I could go home and sleep till tomorrow. 

H isn't feeling well today, thinks he ash a cold, so I am like, great... .am I going to catch a cold on top of this?  Looks like my immune system is kinda busy, so I'm worried in a few days I will feel pretty terrible.  Or, I'm kinda so sick I might not notice the change.  Who knows?  But, him having a cold on top of everything else also explains his extra moodiness.



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« Reply #10 on: February 14, 2019, 10:31:18 AM »


isilme, it's so good that you could get some rest.
Every bits of rest can only help.

It looks like you are still working. Any chances you could schedule in more of it in the next few days?

The cold seems to be around your part of town. It's been everywhere here where I live. So many people sick in the last weeks. Whenever this comes near me I go into immune boosting mode. Echinacea, OJ, drinking lots of water, and I use a disinfectant like Lysol everyday, along with airing the house, so the germs don't get too much time to develop. My spouse swears by gargeling with salted water. I can't gargle well, so I use other means, thus the large amount of water drinking and the regular echinacea.

You might have your own routine response. I know when we're feeling in the dumps, it's hard to think of doing these things. They just don't come to mind. It's usually a friend who hints me.

Same thing with relaxation. When I'm stressed out, it takes something from the outside to nudge me into realizing I might be able to do a short meditation just now, or taking a warm soaky bath. I like essential oils. Some eucalyptus when I have a difficulty with breathing, or geranium in the bath water for soothing my feelings. Sometimes just a few drops on a warm damp washcloth helps.

And venting too...    
Keep on venting isilme.  This is good.

 
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isilme
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« Reply #11 on: February 15, 2019, 10:53:20 AM »

bravesun,

No real chance of time off - I have to save as much as I can - H has many appointments coming up, imaging, and now I need to save time for appointments myself.  So unless the GP admits me or tells me I'm ordered to bed rest, I don't feel right just staying home, I am a minor manager at work, and only have one full-time person under me, and a part-time student worker, so if one of us is gone, things get bogged down.  I managed to keep up with some federal reports and other tasks from home as I've been laid up, but that in itself causes me so much stress, being at home just adds to feeling I am letting people down.

Also, I might be losing a coworker under me - she applied for a position in our same office that would be a promotion, can't fault her for it, everyone should be able to advance, but I will be taking back her duties for a few months (hoping it's only that long) until we can post the job, hire and train a new person.  So, my next 6 months aren't looking so hot if she gets the job. 

I am hoping for lab results today, and direction from my GP to tell me what's next.  If nothing shows up, I feel like giving up.  Any specialists are an hour away, 90 mile minimum all day round trip to the nearest "big city", so more time lost, gas spent, and H can't /won't drive me.  He has so little time as it is that alone is a hindrance, plus he can technically drive, but is not good at it, and needs me to navigate as it is, so it's minimal help if I need to remain conscious, navigate, and watch traffic for him.  he barely drives in our small town, and hates it, it makes him anxious.  I really don't want him behind the wheel in a city that ranked in the to 10 worst drivers in the US.  So,  if they try to send me to a specialist... .ugh.  I'll just start lying and pretend to be better and hope it just goes away. 

I do vitamins, I do saline sinus rinses (not a nettie pot) I take my allergy meds, I drink almost only water, hate soda, plus some coffee in mornings, hot tea at times.  I can't exercise in the cold and with my lungs like this, and energy to cook well escapes me, so nutrition is less than good at the moment.  Sleep has never been my strong point. 

Had a good Valentines yesterday, in spite of one of H's gifts going stray - it's coming today, I had a "real" gift waiting for him at home he seemed to like, my flowers arrived, HE had a gift for me also delayed, and started to go downhill a bit when we got home, but he perked up a bit as the night went on.  We'd had a good day the day before, having taken off for his retina checkup.  Since it was in the "big city" and set for the middle of the day, I already took the whole day off knowing I'd need the extra rest to make it all day, driving up there, and having to be conscious all day, no midday nap at lunch and so on.  His eyes have improved a bit, lowering his A1C and cholesterol helped, so we go back for another quick check in 6 months.  Since we got out too early for dinner, and neither wanted to turn and drive immediately home, we went to look at a furniture store.  Our furniture is all about 10+ years old at this point, and we've been talking about needing tp upgrade it.  I think it went well, we found two options that might work okay for getting better chairs in our living room.  Had dinner, it was nice, came home, so we sorta split Valentines' into two days... .now three with the two late gifts arriving today. 

He's not going to be happy if I don't hear from the GP soon.  I am trying to not show him my temperatures, but he's started asking.  I'm back to 100.8 at the moment, here at work.  I've not taken anything for it yet, my body is so sick of medications and my stomach is pretty confused.  I also don't seem to get much relief from anti-fever meds, ibuprofen, acetaminophen, or naproxen.  Nothing really seems to impact it much, maybe cold showers. 
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« Reply #12 on: February 15, 2019, 02:12:40 PM »

Isilime,

our prayers are with you.

Hang in there.

It sounds like you are strong, keep your faith.
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« Reply #13 on: February 15, 2019, 05:45:19 PM »

So, weird.  GP's office calls, says I have a salmonella infection based on my test results.  They called in one more antibiotic, the last type to try.  But I'm not feeling ill to my stomach... .and that does not explain the chest distress.  Sigh.  It might explain the fever, but really, why can't I breathe?  Have I just had a fever so long my lungs are tired, or chest inflamed just enough to not show on Xray or CT but for me to feel? 

Like my chest is sore from walking a lot today, and I can't breathe well having normal conversations.  I run out of air at dumb times in conversations.  I need to walk slowly, pace myself or I feel like I tried to run.  I took some stairs today just to see if I could do it.  I could, slowly, but needed a respite after. 

Worried H is not going to like this explanation.  He's going to insist I go to someone else.  Maybe if fever abates, he will be less worried.
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« Reply #14 on: February 17, 2019, 09:35:28 PM »

Yeah, he’s not happy.  Fever still here, he’s pissed thinks I’m somehow not taking this seriously or it would be ‘fixed’.  Insisted on a walk tonight cuz it’s my fault he’s gaining weight, cuz with me laid up he can’t possi exercise on his own, inside or out.  I agreed to go, simply because I’ve  got cabin fever, he berated me the whole time about how me being sick just ruins things.

Can’t write much from home, just really feel I need to just fake being well, now.  I’m at a loss what to do medically anyway.  I give up.  My body will beat this or not.  Last antibiotic possible to even try, if it doesn’t work and bloodwork didn’t identify it, what can I do?  No doctors here in south Texas.  I give up.  He can’t be caring for long times, I know he tried, but this stupid condition means it’s not consistent and I can’t rely on anyone but me.  For anything. 
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« Reply #15 on: February 18, 2019, 12:51:30 AM »

And he’s gotten even worse, screaming at me tonight.  I messed up, yelled back at times.  I am fat, unhealthy, not even trying to lose weight, unsympathetic to his problems, angry at doing things for him, you name it.  Haven’t tried to get well because I am not, I’m a hypochondriac or my doctors aren’t trying because I’ve not yelled at them enough.  He wanted to get his steps from his walk, he accidentally erased them.  The tracke was paired to my phone, he never set it up before he stated tracking, so pairing it to a new phone at this time cleared it.  Because I did not stop him or fix it, I don’t care I want him embarrassed at work where they are having a competition, the works.  I knew he’d crack, and yell at me for being sick.  He can’t handle me, his support staff, not being there to make him go for walks, to keep him company, to do everything with him hhis wants to do and also keep up with all he won’t do (my own job, chores, groceries, my own doctors stuff... .). 

He’s mad we can’t visit his parents because we don’t k ow what’s wrong with me, or if they gave me something.  I’m like, medicine is not Star Trek.  They can’t tell me who gave it to me, what it is.  He’s tired of me ‘reasons’.  He wants me to somehow express sympathy for things I didn’t do... .I didn’t sabotage his tracker.  I didn’t force him to sign up for a team.  I didn’t chose to not be in my own team at work, they know I a, sick and filled up the spaces.  I can’t go back in time, and that’s usually what he would accept as a solution.

Tonight sucks.  Last week was good, so this one has to suck.  Yay.  Fever hit 99.8, last time I checked, about 8pm.  Just going to stop checking where he can see. 
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« Reply #16 on: February 18, 2019, 06:32:47 AM »

Hang in there isilme,

We are all very sorry for what you are being put through right now, please know we are all out here listening and also in prayer for you ... .keep posting and get it all out here.

I also remember many times in my own marriage the same things you are describing happening to me.

We are listening !

Kind Regards, Red5
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« Reply #17 on: February 18, 2019, 07:32:13 AM »

I realize he’s projecting.  He can’t do for me like I’m doing for him.  I’ve never complained or ridiculed him for being diagnosed with diabetes, for putting on about 20-30 lbs the last 3 years as we’ve  been coping with his health.  But because he see illnesses as a form of karma for him, that he ‘deserves’ then, he can’t handle them.

  He doesn’t understand the vague things affecting me, because they aren’t cut and dry.  Nothing is in my head to cause migraines.  I just have a genetic neurological condition called migraine.  That’s how it works.  There’s nothing cut and dry about chronic allergies.  Pollen plus dog equals bad day.  Rain plus mold, perfume, equals bad day.  I don’t get to simply avoid sugar and feel okay.  I sadly need to breathe, regardless of what’s out there.

 I may have some inflammatory condition, I may have an auto immune disease.  Ruling out all infection takes time to get to that, which is where I am.  I’m not ‘sick’ with a cold.  This is something I think I’ve had a while and ignored, j owing it was going to be a long road to find anything, if anything can be found.  Fever of unknown origin is a thing, and people with it test and test to learn nothing.   I’m sorry he wanted to take a trip this spring, and wants to be in shape, and refuses to work on on his own. I’m kinda busy struggling to take care of basic things.  He offered to help take out the trash Saturday (h does no chores) and got made something had spilled down part of the bag... .started yelling how trash goes inside the bag, he doesn’t deal,with that... .so, of course I took it out, just as I as I was about to do before his useless offer.

And now I don’t know what today is going to bring.  Supposedly I’m supposed to get him off his stupid walking t am.  Don’t be his mother but be his mother. 
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« Reply #18 on: February 18, 2019, 02:18:38 PM »

And it just keeps going.  He made himself ill being angry last night, didn't sleep, stayed home this morning, and now is at work, rage-messaging me about how I don't respect him, want him to fail, etc. I am trying to disengage, but I know at this point "ignoring him" will peak the rage and make it worse
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« Reply #19 on: February 18, 2019, 03:37:58 PM »

and now he is basically messaging me with threats to make me leave our home, or kick me out of rooms he's in, and telling me I need a plan to lose 40 lbs in 3 months.  Here's my plan, days like today, I am too upset to eat.  You win.  Between my stomach being stripped of all bacteria, exhaustion and now this, I can give to craps about food. 

Meanwhile, the second opinion people our workplace offers wants me admitted to the hospital, telling me I likely have sepsis.  I can't even turn to my husband for support when I may have a malignant lung tumor and sepsis.  I have to sanitize how I tell him, what I tell him, and pick when I tell him.  I don't get to run home and cry.  I have to do it here at work where he can't see and feel invalidated by my tears (women's tears are manipulative and used as tools, not valid emotional responses). 
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« Reply #20 on: February 20, 2019, 08:47:42 AM »

if it is remotely possible that you have sepsis go to the emergency room now
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« Reply #21 on: February 20, 2019, 08:56:20 AM »

I agree with Turkish, if it is possible that you have sepsis, you probably need to be in the hospital. My father died from sepsis, though it was because they didn't figure it out in time and he wasn't taking antibiotics until it was too late. Also, he was 85 years old. But it is still very serious for a young woman like you.

I am so sorry you are not getting support from your h, and that he is treating you as if this is your fault and making himself the victim here. It's unfair to you and it sucks, disorder or not.

We're here to listen and support you, even though it isn't IRL. I have been saying prayers for you.

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« Reply #22 on: February 20, 2019, 09:14:40 AM »

No sepsis.  Blood culture was not where salmonella was found, but antibodies against it showed up, sorta.  The word in the results is "equivocal"?  So either that means inconclusive, I don't have an infection at all and they need to start looking at autoimmune stuff, or I don't even know what.  So for now, I seem to have typhoid.  Which can cause chest congestion, fever, exhaustion.  Where I got it?  I have no clue.  The incubation is like a few weeks or more, and it's hazy as to whether I DID have a sinus infection as well as this, so I could have had this for longer than I thought, or it developed at the same time as a sinus infection and so they overlapped.  I work at a college and know one of the bio professors specializes in salmonella, and he's nice, so I broke down and called him asking what it meant,  He said he figured I had some kinda of Salmonella typhi infection, and when my results finally posted, yup, that's what it is.  I kinda wish my GP's office told me more clearly. 

H is doing a bit better.  I recruited our "mirror couple" to get him some interaction to break him a bit from his funk.  The husband in that couple is essentially me, and his wife is my husband.  It's weird.  H hates seeing the wife do things he does realize finally how messed up some of it is.  He still tries to justify why it's wrong for her to do the same things, but okay for him, but anyway, they've been worried about me, so I let them know how terrible Sunday and Monday were.  H is doing a bit better overall, if the weather would just stay sunny and/or warm up it would help a lot. 

I am on the last oral antibiotic I can take - I think today is sort of "D-day".  If an antibiotic is going to work, some sign should show after 3-4 days in your system.  This will be day 4.  Of course, I will finish them.  But I'm hoping the fever goes away at some point today or tomorrow.  If not, I am looking at hospitalization anyway, and am very, very scared.  I am scared because I've never been admitted save as an infant, scared because I don't know how much it will cost, and scared because well, I know H won't take it well, but neither will I.  We really have only been apart a cumulative total of two months maybe since about 1997.  I don't want to have to pay money to go somewhere to have a needle jabbed into my arm where I will be cold and alone and I don't know how many days it will take. I know I am such a baby.  I can't even figure out how I got this. 

I'm tired.  I am at work to save up time in case I DO need to be out a few days getting stronger antibiotics pumped into me. 
« Last Edit: February 20, 2019, 09:33:33 AM by isilme » Logged

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« Reply #23 on: February 20, 2019, 02:16:45 PM »

Isilme, it is ok to be scared. You are so tired and ill. Not many people loves going to hospitals, especially not knowing what is wrong with them. I hope antibiotics works and you'll get on your feet sooner than you'll know.

In case you need to go to hospital, think the positive things it can bring you. For once people will take care of you! You will get the full attention. And rest. Nowhere to go, nothing to clean. No expectations to fulfil. You can finally read books!

 
Let us know how you are feeling.

D.W


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« Reply #24 on: February 20, 2019, 04:16:14 PM »

My mother in law told me I was terrible at resting when I told her I stayed home about 6 days (4 work days plus a weekend) when she learned me being at home still consisted of a few, (like only 2) phone calls to check in on my team, and responding to what email I could from my couch, and sitting at our home PC to cobble together a report for the Fed that we'd be in big trouble if I missed sending it out.  All in all, I spent as much time sleeping as I could.  But I guess my BPD dad will always be in my head - I don't like giving him space in there, but his assertations that I only got sick because I was lazy, and wanted attention, and that taking me to a doctor was a waste of money, it still makes me wait to go in, to stay home ill, I can't seem to get past that guilt.  And, when really agitated this weekend, H said some of the same things.  Not quite as bad, just got mad at me for checking my temperature so often.  I was doing it about 4-6 times a day, from waking to bed, just to see if there's a pattern.  Bear in mind, H doesn't even like to check his glucose - he likes to guess how he's doing.  Were I the diabetic, I'd be checking.  I like quantitative data.

I'm really hoping tomorrow I wake up and stay fever free.  Or Friday.  If not, I guess I'll be taking a fun vacation to a cold white room.  I could go to sleep right now at my desk and sleep till tomorrow.  I just have a few things I want shored up in case of the worst, so I CAN try to rest.  And I will need to enlist the friends to keep H occupied.  He's not going to do all that well, it will be like when the friend's husband got a great opportunity to travel for work, but had to be out of the country for a month in a rain forest, and she kinda flipped out.  Like, flipped out.  Total BPD type abandonment issues. 

I'm trying, it's sunny today, that's helping.  Talking has been easier so far this week - I can breathe better as I speak.  Prayers, please, if ya'll do such things. 



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« Reply #25 on: February 20, 2019, 05:25:12 PM »

Excerpt
Prayers, please, if ya'll do such things.

Prayers Sent!

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« Reply #26 on: February 21, 2019, 10:25:51 AM »

Yes, prayers sent. Sending you strength and healing thoughts.

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« Reply #27 on: February 23, 2019, 01:33:21 AM »

Had my phone consultation with the work provided second opinion doc.  I got really sad, had been hoping after looking at my cat scan and blood work that he’d have some possible answers or ideas, but he wants more tests.  Test I don’t have time for, tests that may not be available close by, tets I don’t have anyone to drive me to or back from.  H had a sugar crash tonight, we were supposed to have dinner with friends, he didn’t indicate 7 was too late, but he crashed, before we could even agree where to go, so I ran out to get a burger for him and came back to about 2 hours of ranting about our friend stopping him from eating.  Can’t accept it’s up to him to mention 2 hours plus the drive then the wait for food will tax his system.  We are all supposed to know.

He’s calmed down, but it’s not like I get to share my worries, my fears, how basically the doc seemed confused by the low fever everyday, and want my heart checked now.  Spent all night needing to cry. About to hide in shower.
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« Reply #28 on: February 23, 2019, 08:07:29 PM »

Hi isilme.  I am so sorry that you still do not have a definitive answer and need more tests.  I know how frustrating that can be on top of the stress, never mind what you are dealing with every day.  It is rough.

Get some glucose tablets to keep on hand for when his glucose goes low.   You running out to get him a burger is not safe nor is it sustainable. 

Is there anyway you can schedule the tests on the same day and get use Uber?  I have done so and it helps.

Do keep us posted please.  In the meantime write here when you can and just let yourself cry in the shower when needed.   
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« Reply #29 on: February 24, 2019, 11:51:48 PM »


Prayers here too.   
Thoughts of rest. Peace. Anything that helps coming your way.

Brave


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