How did you divorce your family?/How are you divorcing your family?

[zachira]

Many times members who post on PSI talk about going no contact or low contact with their family members. Oftentimes there are ties that cannot be so easily broken with siblings, parents, and other relatives. These ties can be emotional, financial, and legal. Sometimes the choice of going no contact with one family member really means going no contact with the whole family, which can feel like a divorce with no court proceedings. Sometimes the family members have acted so badly, there is no one worth having contact with. Are you in the process of divorcing your family or have you already divorced them? Can you share how you are feeling about the family divorce and give others some tips on how to deal with divorcing your family?

[Notwendy]

I didn't exactly "divorce" my family as much as they "divorced" me.

As you know, dysfunctional families have their unspoken rules. In my mother's FOO- you are "all in" or "all out". They are very much into themselves- you are all one of them or not.

My father was the glue in our family. He was "all in" with my mother and her FOO. We kids were never fully accepted as "one of us" in her FOO. We were only half I guess but we just were part of the family because of her. I think they believe they are "better" than we are. Their kids are smarter than mine, etc but they don't have any basis for their judgement.  We just stopped telling them what was going on in our lives or what our kids are doing as they aren't interested.

When my father died, my mother was angry at me, painted me black to them and told them to stop talking to me and they did.

I was actually really hurt at the time, astounded that a whole side of what I thought was my family was gone.

I am LC with my mother and her FOO has started talking to me somewhat. I remain polite but distant.

Sometimes I think if a family member can so easily let go of their attachment to you, they weren't attached to begin with. I am pretty sure I was the one who grieved the loss more than they did. I cried a whole lot over this, but I don't know if it makes any difference to them.

[zachira]

Notwendy,
I always learn something when reading your heartfelt wise posts. Maybe it makes more sense to ask: How did your family divorce you? In my family as well, you are either "all in" or "all out". My heart hurts when you say that you think that your family wasn't that attached to you to begin with, and you have likely grieved the loss more than they have, yet I know you are speaking a great truth. I too have spent a lot of time crying about how my family has refused to love and care for me, no matter what I do to be in their good graces. I do believe being able to love ourselves and care for others is what leads to a meaningful happy life, so I do think we are the lucky ones in that we are capable of creating our own loving family through great friendships, marriage, and raising wonderful children.

[madeline7]

Like Not Wendy, my FOO has initiated the divorce proceedings. But I still have "visitation" rights and sometimes I am allowed to be part of the FOO gatherings. Some times I choose not to attend if my uBPDm is on the warpath with me. But the most hurtful situation was when Mom was angry at me and said she would not attend an event if I was there, and one of my siblings asked me to stay behind. That is when I realized there was never a real relationship with my sibling, and although everyone in the family (now that Dad has passed) IS aware of my Mom's mental health, they continue to enable her, which means that I am now "out" since I am the one wearing the black hat placed upon me by my Mom. I am currently in the process of figuring out who gets what in the divorce, and my feelings are all over the map, but slowly I am healing and realizing that I may need to step back and remove myself from the toxicity in order to get to a place of peace.

[Baglady]

Hi folks,
I'm currently struggling with this issue regarding my in-laws.  I am an immigrant and the entire family pretty much adopted me when I started dating my now exBPDh.  I was a part of the family for almost 30 years and I sincerely loved them and so appreciated being considered part of the family.  Fast forward to last year, my exBPDh blindsided us with a psychotic breakdown and walked out on our marriage (while telling everyone that I "tortured" him during our entire relationship and that his father, mother and sister abused him during his childhood).  His mental breakdown bled into all of the family relationships and initially they really circled the wagons and turned against me in incredible hurtful ways (trauma upon trauma).  Now that the dust has settled, they are trying to reach out to me again (I have a son) but I'm finding it so hard in my heart to forgive them for the hurts they inflicted and for which they have not apologized to this day.  I also now see the family dysfunction that fostered my exBPDh's disorder for the very first time.  They minimize my ex's actions as a "mid-life crisis" and refuse to acknowledge his mental illness although it is very, very apparent that something is seriously wrong (he is unable to hold down a job and says the craziest things and now has drug addictions).

The problem is that I'm very isolated being an immigrant.  I don't have any other family (my parents in another country are in their 80s and my mom has dementia).   My son is it for me family-wise.  It is so lonely and isolating to lose so many family relationships on top of my marriage in such a short time.  I encourage my son's interactions with them but I can't attend any family events with my ex in attendance.  I have wonderful friends but it's just not the same.  It's a lot of grieving for a lot of relationships all at once.  Holidays are simply hell now.
Hugs to all,
Warmly,
Baglady

[Notwendy]

A marital divorce is a loss too. It shows that disconnecting from one person isn't really one person- but others who are connected with them too. I wish I could say I'm completely over it but thinking about it can feel sad. It's tough to lose a connection with people who were important to you. It's better than it was, but uncles, aunts, cousins- it's not easy to just let go of attachments.

I agree that we are fortunate to be able to leave the dysfunction.

[Pina colada]

Hi zachira, I just posted about this today.  My sister cut me off over a year ago and all I can say is it was the best thing she ever did for me.  I rarely think about her and I don't miss the lies and drama.  I have no desire to ever see or hear from her again.  My therapist supports me 200% in this as my therapist knows how sick my sister is.  It is strange at first but honestly it took about a month and I stopped thinking of her altogether.  of course she abused me terribly as kids and abused every one of our FOO so it was easy for me to stay NC and I will never go back to any kind of contact with her.  Feel free to PM me if you want to privately chat!XO

[Bigsismarie]

My sister cut me out of her life for the (what feels like) millionth time a few weeks ago. Normally she would do it without anything "official"...usually an attacking text message and then I wouldn't hear from her for months or even up to a year. The cutting out was never precipitated by anything rational - like after my brother's wedding she didn't talk to me for a year because she didn't like the photographer. What?

This time, I'm in a better place. When the attack from her came I asked her flat out, "is this you cutting me out of your life?" and she replied "yes"...so, instead of participate in this crazy cycle again I used the opportunity to set my clear boundaries and a path back to relationship with me.

Until she can find healing, acknowledge how she has hurt me, and apologize I will not be in relationship with her. When she has done those things she can contact me through my husband as I have blocked her from all avenues of contact. I was clear that I was not cutting her out of my life, I was not closing the door on our relationship, or turning my back on her - I am ready for reconciliation and restoration as soon as she can complete the things above.

It has felt like a death. In fact, my brain has had such a hard time processing this that it is grieving similarly to when I lost a child. I have random waves of anxiety, random periods of uncontrollable sobbing, and feel like my mind is just so tired. This was the hardest thing I've ever done but I know it is also the most loving thing I can do for HER and myself. She needs to get help.