Trying to cope with the things she says about me

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My mind cannot cope with the smear campaign that she still goes on against me. From being manipulative, controller and a narcisist now she is putting a showcase on how i was worthless and i never valuated her (all of this with a replacement now in my shoes).
Makes me feel crushed, ive never been in my life so caring with a person like with her.
Splitted to a dark hole. I cry almost everyday (its been 2 and a half months). Now what it kills every atom of mine is that she truly thinks that about me. That ive been Satan to her. I dont know if its validation, but is that how will she remeber me? I was her soldier against all of her troubles from day one to the last.
Hate this. Hate this illness. Hate it. It thrown me to emotional dust.

[FJM]

My mind cannot cope with the smear campaign that she still goes on against me. From being manipulative, controller and a narcisist now she is putting a showcase on how i was worthless and i never valuated her (all of this with a replacement now in my shoes).
Makes me feel crushed, ive never been in my life so caring with a person like with her.
Splitted to a dark hole. I cry almost everyday (its been 2 and a half months). Now what it kills every atom of mine is that she truly thinks that about me. That ive been Satan to her. I dont know if its validation, but is that how will she remeber me? I was her soldier against all of her troubles from day one to the last.
Hate this. Hate this illness. Hate it. It thrown me to emotional dust.

[Turkish]

I went through the crying every day thing for months.  It hurts to have someone who idealized us in many ways flip towards the opposite,  maybe like the first was a lie.  The problem is that both feelings are true to them,  and that sucks.

[RomanticFool]

Hey FJM,

Sorry to hear about your pain my friend. I know only too well the hurt you are feeling at the moment. I know it feels like your world has been turned upside down right now and you are going through the emotional wringer but hang in there because it will ease. Be good to yourself. Do nice things for yourself every day. Go out for a coffee with a friend or alone. Go out for a walk in the park. Focus on things that make you happy. Do those practical things that give you self esteem and little by little, day by day, the pain will ease. It won’t always be this way I promise. When we have our hearts broken it feels like we’ll never feel good again, but trust me you will. You will meet somebody who respects you for the person you are and does not change her entire character based on an argument. I’ve been where you are a few times and I went back to that place more than once because I did not heed the warning signs. I’m always looking for intense relationships to fix me and fill the hole in my soul. I’m now trying to heal myself in other ways rather than expecting a deeply flawed human to protect me. I am in a 12 step programme for alcohol and this has given me some understanding and acceptance around the kind of person I am and the type of woman I am attracted to. I like damsels I’m distress who join in the reverie of love-bombing and high intensity love affairs. It seems that I am attracted to my emotional equal in this regard and unfortunately those kind of women who fall in ‘love’ fast and are unboundaried and obsessive are usually disordered. I undergo  a perpetual cycle of love and rejection and I am always left feeling alone, distraught and empty. I am working on myself as I can’t change other people . However, for now concentrate on you and look after yourself. I know you’re strugglling and hurt so please keep sharing here.

[JNChell]

Hi, FJM. I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. I’m also sorry that you’re having to experience a smear campaign. I know how it feels. I went through several of them with S4’s mom. While in a relationship with her and in the aftermath of the final split. It is most likely still continuing, but I don’t care much anymore. I know what I experienced and that is becoming to be enough for me.

You know who you are and you know what you experienced. That is a big part of what you should embrace as you make your way through this, IMHO. The trash talk is likely projection and complete deflection and denial on her part. It’s hard, but try not to take it personally. I can say this from experience. I did take it personally and that came with a cost. The best advice that I’ve came across here is to simply let it happen without rebuttal. I wish that I had done that.

I’ve not read your back story. How do you know that she is currently smearing you? Is it a gut feeling or have you seen it?

When the truth isn’t being told about things, and we have no meaningful way of it being brought to light, it can cause a great amount of anxiety. I understand your feelings. Just be you. Focus on yourself and who you are and who you want to be. She most likely can’t handle her own feelings so she has to place them somewhere. You can handle your feelings and have the capacity to bring them here. There’s a big difference there.

Take it easy. You know the truth.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey FJM, I'm sorry to hear about the smear campaign.  It's doubtful that you are going to change her opinion of you, so I suggest you let it go.  There's a saying that, when someone throws mud at you, let it dry and then brush it off.  I've been through a smear campaign, too, and understand how frustrating it is.  I agree with WTL:

The best advice that I’ve came across here is to simply let it happen without rebuttal. I wish that I had done that.

A friend from my old town once reassured me that folks were not buying into my Ex's derogatory comments about me.  As he said, "people are not dumb!"  I felt a little better after that conversation!

Suggest you stay the course and hang out with people who treat you well.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi FJM,

I can relate with being split black. One of the last things that we did together was going to a New Years party which was weird because we were done the next month. Anyways we were talking outside and she broke my heart - she gave me the finger. Whatever I tried to do it got shot down.

I didn’t understand it then because I had never heard of personality disorders. I suggest that you read as much as you can about it. What a pwBPD goes through or how they behave towards people that are close to them is something that the pwBPD is going through. It’s no wonder that they have chaotic r/s’s because of the disorder.

You probably already know that you’re not Lo bad like she says because it’s not a balanced perspective and how she views you mentally doesn’t mean that you’re less of a person because of that. Hang in there.