More Confusion

[MeandThee29]

We are in the divorce process. He said either reconcile on his terms or divorce. He claims he's better, but I still see a lot of red flags and refused. His terms were not healthy.

Yet he's acting like nothing in the past happened at times. He wants to be my friend as we divorce.

He's doing the same thing with estranged relatives. He wants the past all brushed away and wants to be there for them.

Rebuilding trust by being trustworthy just isn't in his vocabulary.

So very awkward. I am trying to be positive, but I just don't trust him.

I guess it's a way of dealing with the guilt on his side.

Thoughts?

[Baglady]

Hi Me,
I've experienced the same issue.  After my exBPDh's two-week psychotic break (involving raging and DV) and an on-going smear campaign about me to this day (according to trusted friends) a full year after the divorce, he really sincerely wants us to be friends and to do things as a family with our son.  He is really and truly baffled that I want to have as little as possible to do with him in my life.  What?

His cluelessness of the many devastating harms that he has inflicted upon me is absolutely mind-bending.   There are so many days where I think that I'm going to be the one in a mental institution at the end of all of this!  The cognitive dissonance is overwhelming at times.

I wouldn't trust my ex as far as I could throw him (and given that he has put on 25+ pounds this year alone that's not very far - petty and snarky - I know, I know but I'm only human  )

Hang in there,
Warmly,
B

[zachira]

I hear your frustration about your husband just wanting to brush away the past like it never happened. We sometimes reach a point in our relationships, whether it is a partner, relative, or friend, that there is just too much hurt and distrust for the relationship to be repaired. I know in the case of repairing a marriage in which there has been infidelity, that the marriage can only be repaired if the cheating spouse feels and shows genuine remorse for the infidelity. One of the main challenges with people with BPD is they act loving at times, than act horrible, and seem to have no recollection of their bad behaviors or any real ability to apologize for how badly they have acted. You sound like you are at a point, that you just can't put up with all the deceit. My sister with BPD and NPD has sent me two amazingly loving birthday cards these past two years after treating me with terrible mental cruelty for most of the rest of the year. The birthday cards just left me feeling numb and detached. How do you feel about being nice to your husband while in the divorce process so it will be easier for you? Can you tell us what you would like to hear him say, if he were to genuinely apologize to you? (just as a way to help in the healing not to install hope that he will ever really understand how much he has hurt you) It can help to understand how we feel, more than try to figure out how the people with BPD in our lives behave the way they do. My therapist taught me to stay present with my feelings when in the presence of my family members with BPD and that  has helped me to deal with my feelings and not get so upset with how badly they are behaving. We are here to help and listen. Keep us posted and let us know what you need.

[MeandThee29]

One of the main challenges with people with BPD is they act loving at times, than act horrible, and seem to have no recollection of their bad behaviors or any real ability to apologize for how badly they have acted. You sound like you are at a point, that you just can't put up with all the deceit. How do you feel about being nice to your husband while in the divorce process so it will be easier for you? Can you tell us what you would like to hear him say, if he were to genuinely apologize to you? (just as a way to help in the healing not to install hope that he will ever really understand how much he has hurt you) It can help to understand how we feel, more than try to figure out how the people with BPD in our lives behave the way they do. My therapist taught me to stay present with my feelings when in the presence of my family members with BPD and that  has helped me to deal with my feelings and not get so upset with how badly they are behaving. We are here to help and listen. Keep us posted and let us know what you need.

So true. I decided some months ago that I am a nice person, so I will be nice to him WITH BOUNDARIES. I won't be rude or ugly.

So he did have the courtesy to let me know by phone that he was getting ready to file. I was polite, but there were several times in the conversation where I said stop and redirected. And he seemed to accept that. There were some off-the-wall comments and wrong thinking that I noted but ignored. He did apologize for some major things, but also blamed me for putting him into a situation where he has to file for divorce. That struck me odd, but I ignored it. If you want a divorce because you don't want to be married to someone because you don't like something (like holding a boundary), just say so. He claims he's going to speak well of me with his relatives from now on. There was some pretty unhealthy stuff going on there.

I'm certainly going to continue this as long as it is reasonable. The lawyers I've talked to have said that collaborative divorce or mediation are of course the way to go if possible, but that most cases where one party has a personality disorder end up in court. So I'm prepared. I decided to go with a lawyer who has been characterized as a "gentle big gun" who is very experienced with these situations. I met him at a seminar and then did the free consultation. My husband plans to represent himself initially.

I don't like the uncertainty, but what can I do? Here we are. I've got my ducks in order.

The trust thing just really bugs me because it isn't on his radar at all. Earlier he wanted to hash it out in a weekend and reconcile in his location. Yup. Quit my job and leave behind my support system. Just us. All the bells went off because one weekend doesn't mean anything really. Anyone can be on their best behavior for a few days. The last time we were face-to-face, he was utterly toxic. Which he denies and says never happened. He says he was perfectly fine then. Now he's insistent that he's better, so we have to reconcile. Uh, no. Been there over a dozen times before he left, and another 4-5 times after he left. It never stuck.

I guess the good thing is that I am indeed far more mindful than I was. He's going to do what he's going to do. Accept and move on. I'm in a much better place on so many fronts. I focus on that.

[itsmeSnap]

Yet he's acting like nothing in the past happened at times. He wants to be my friend as we divorce.

Parents are currently divorcing, my mom came to visit on valentines day (we had a get together with dad [quite possibly BPD], mom works out of town) and dad went straight for a kiss, got shut down.

Days later they went to get some paperwork done for her car (still registered under my dad btw) and were all smiles and funny stories, up to and including her saying she would have wanted more kids with him.

Dad is overly attentive to my grandma (mom's mom) when she visits

Mom also goes to visit dad's sister and her extended family, everyone knows about the divorce but still feel awkward about how to handle it (do they act like friends? family?)

All that after a long history of rages, smear campaigns on both sides, financial issues, family disputes and a few failed marriage counseling visits (dad convinced the therapist he was the victim, he wasn't really)

Point is, current emotion tints past memories. My mom is impulsive but not likely BPD, so its not just "a BPD thing". She was the one to initiate the divorce, and yet keeps acting in many ways like the divorce filing never happened, while at the same time she keeps pursuing it. Dad also tries to "act like a husband" even though he's been adamant about not taking her back and giving her anything in a settlement (he's convinced he did nothing wrong!)

I guess it's a way of dealing with the guilt on his side

I don't think they really have such devious ulterior motives.

I don't think my dad wanted to kiss mom out of a sense of "not wanting to give her anything" as he says re. the divorce, or about guilt from past mistreatment, and I'm not sure mom just "casually" mentioned wanting more kids with him if she had been able to (medical issue, long story) out of guilt of divorcing him and wanting him to "suffer through the divorce same as she did the marriage" (she said that to me once), this is a weird thing they're going through and I think they truly believe what they are doing at the moment is the "normal and correct" thing to do.

At least you know better, enough to see the from a distance

[MeandThee29]

I don't think they really have such devious ulterior motives.

I don't think my dad wanted to kiss mom out of a sense of "not wanting to give her anything" as he says re. the divorce, or about guilt from past mistreatment, and I'm not sure mom just "casually" mentioned wanting more kids with him if she had been able to (medical issue, long story) out of guilt of divorcing him and wanting him to "suffer through the divorce same as she did the marriage" (she said that to me once), this is a weird thing they're going through and I think they truly believe what they are doing at the moment is the "normal and correct" thing to do.

Good insights. He believes that this is the right thing to do. He's been reading books on divorce and probably gets some of this from there.

People with boundaries and true empathy know that you don't treat people horribly and burn bridges and then expect hugs and rainbows. You don't flip a switch on people you've mistreated and expect it to all be better.

I have a friend who was an out-of-control alcoholic and has been in the hard process of reconciling with her family for some time after sobriety. Recently one of her sons received a reward for valor from the county (he's an EMT), and she was invited and went. It was the first time she had been invited to anything with that side of the family in seven years. I've seen how she's done it and how patient and respectful she is. That's how I would expect it to be.

Just trying to work through this. Thanks for your help.