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Author Topic: When friends and family pressure you to date again  (Read 491 times)
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« on: January 08, 2019, 06:46:47 AM »

this thread comes on the heels of a conversation with a friend, and a funny/strange experience with someone i dont know at all.

a friend had her much older aunt join facebook recently. this aunt (whom ive never met nor spoken to) sent me a friend request... .ill accept most friend requests unless i have a reason not to. it was probably inevitable that my friends aunt started chatting me up. eventually, she asked me if i was married or have kids. i told her i am not and dont. she replied that i must be young and that ill find the right person eventually, and that at least i had my puppy so ill be less lonely.

a lot of you probably have similar stories... .those family gatherings where well meaning relatives ask or drop hints about when youre going to settle down, when youre going to have kids, etc. some of you, after your relationship ended, may have been told to get back out there, or even had them try to fix you up.

so how many of you have been pressured by friends, family or acquaintances to date, and how did you respond?
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« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2019, 07:55:34 AM »

My initial though was that she “slid in your DM’s” and wanted you .

Great question OR!

I bet a lot of us here feel pressure to date again, open up to someone or even consider loving anyone after our pwBPD.

I’ve had family members ask if I’m single or met anyone. My parents tell me they are just happy I’m not with “that girl” anymore. A part of me gets sad hearing that but also relieved because they mean well.

When I tell people I’m not looking to date, they think I’m a “player” but I honestly havent found anyone interesting in a while. Is it because Im not used to normalcy anymore? Maybe.  I’m also very very picky when it comes to dating. Maybe this is a good thing, because I have standards now on what I like and want in a future relationship.
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« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2019, 08:16:11 AM »

My initial though was that she “slid in your DM’s” and wanted you .

shes like 80 

i think shes just new to social media.
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« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2019, 05:51:14 PM »

EVERY DAMN TIME

For me its mostly they don't know my dates, I don't introduce them because its never been practical

They think I've been single all my life. Naturally they pressure for the gf and lately mom pressuring for grandkids

Then they act shocked when I drop a hint that "you haven't met any of them", particularly my SIL thought I was lying when I showed her a picture of a girl I'd been dating.

Excerpt
or even had them try to fix you up.

Yeah, and they're exceptionally bad at it .

Excerpt
how did you respond?

Normally I try to do the lowkey "none of your business", if they insist I drop hints of "you just haven't met her"

And now recently with the grandkids thing I told them "wait till I'm 35 and then you have my permission to joke about it"

Works good enough, anytime it comes up is as easy as "I still got 7 years left shut up  "

Excerpt
My initial though was that she “slid in your DM’s”
Excerpt
shes like 80

Grandma still got it going on 
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« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2019, 12:00:31 AM »

I got this crap from my therapist in the first year after my ex moved on.  That was 5 years ago. 

I had the kids when I was 39 and 41. The women at church whom I deem single mothers are at least 10 years younger. 

I volunteered in S8's class today. His teacher is cute and single ki think),  but she's 18 years my junior.  It's creepy to flirt, though we were friendly. For me,  hard to find matches with a middle aged guy with young kids. Friends have been encouraging, but it's not so easy. 

My T told me years ago,  "find your match:  emotionally,  spiritually, age-wise." Not so easy.
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« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2019, 06:54:08 AM »

I'm not even divorced and people in some sectors of my life are asking. I actually still wear my wedding ring.

Many of my friends are retired or are semi-retired. Honestly it isn't at all on my radar at this point. I have so much more healing to do and have plenty of close friends and my young adults close by. My close friends "get it" in terms of what I've been through.

I'm in good shape for my age though and do have men flirt with me on an ongoing basis. I work in retail and had a guy ask me for my number a few weeks ago after I helped him find multiple things. That's a boost, but I'm not going to act on it. 

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« Reply #6 on: January 10, 2019, 07:35:35 AM »

I've experienced a lot of people getting very very excited about the prospects of me going 'on the pull' again. I've put this down to them living their fantasies through me and somewhat having unfulfilling marriages. One friend in the village whom I suspect has a uBPDw and has threatened his W with divorce multiple times in the past few years (make me feel a bit sick when I think of it) actually suggested that I hook up with a 'bird' with a bunch of 'bird mates' and he could tag along and grab himself one... .really?

It really seems to be all that people think about now... .moving on... .jumping back on the horse... .making the same old mistakes time and time and time again.

I too still wear my wedding band and will till the day I receive my decree absolute. But then I don't want this divorce.

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« Reply #7 on: January 22, 2019, 11:07:18 AM »

luckily for me, most of my current good friends never really pressured me to get back out there after my last serious relationship (this is the suspected BPD ex that brought me to these boards). yep, it's been almost 4 years. and it doesn't bother me. i feel happy figuring out what i want from life, and at this point anyone that tries to pressure me into anything (dating or otherwise) is gonna learn real quick that that's not how i want to be treated.

i have had some issues with distant family. aunts on my mother's side mainly. but i take everything they say with a big grain of salt because i see some crazy making behavior from them when i am in contact.

in particular, going back a little over a year and further, there was one friend that i really considered close that is no longer part of my life by my choice. he would constantly pressure me. try to tell me to do things. try to make me see all of my faults, so to speak. wanted me to do these things cause they would make me happier. sound familiar? i think i distanced myself with grace though. and that's how i handle it now. i listen out of politeness, but if something isn't right or the advice is unsolicited i'm not dropping everything to enact someone else's agenda for my time and my life. these people can go try and 'fix' somebody else. but i am perfectly capable of doing that on my own.

wow, but yeah, everyone around me now understands that i'm just doing me. and i let them do them. nothing is off the table if it comes up, of course. but no one is trying to get people to do things that they're not comfortable with. that's how i like it. anyone that disagrees can go take a hike!
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« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2019, 03:32:47 PM »

ive felt some pressure from friends before. not often, and really only when it comes up.

im at a place in my life where i dont have a lot on the ball. not only do i have other, higher priorities, but without harshly judging myself, i dont think a quality partner would look at me and consider me an ideal mate at this time, ya know?

its been a long time for me too, valet. i havent been in a committed relationship since my ex and i broke up in 2010. i was "seeing" a gal (a first for me) for a couple of months, and that went sour, and then there was interest between me and a gal that didnt pan out, that was all back in 2013 or 2014. its certainly not as if i dont miss affection or even flirting, and i wouldnt pass up opportunities, but im not looking for them.

my friend suggested "obviously you wanta get back out there". when i explained that i had other priorities, and the part i mentioned about not really being an ideal mate right now, he told me i needed to find someone that "understood" and "was okay" with that. i strongly disagree. i dont want a girl that "settles" for me. i set a high bar. i want someone that sets a high bar too.

not to mention, i dont want affection or a relationship for the sake of it. i dont want to "have a girlfriend", i want to meet somebody special. dont get me wrong; when im ready, im willing to "play the field" so to speak, im not expecting every girl i meet to be "the one". but being in a relationship is not a status symbol to me.

id be lying if i said i didnt feel the pressure though. im not getting any younger. the pool of healthy candidates aint getting any bigger.
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« Reply #9 on: February 06, 2019, 08:07:27 PM »

I don't experience any direct pressure to start dating, just annoying inquiries about if I've been on any dates from friends who seem unable to talk about anything other than this. I appreciate that they are just trying to be interested in me. 

To tell you the truth, I'm just so tired and exhausted when I think about trying to figure out: 1) how to find someone who doesn't have BPD tendencies; and 2) how to be with someone with all my emotional habits as the adult child of an uBPD mother. I really don't desire to go through it again with anyone. For example, I crave the emotional intimacy, sensitivity, and interest. However, if I date somene and it is inconsistent, it disappears, or if I suspect it may be disappearing, it is exhausting to manage myself. I get a stomach ache just thinking about my anxiety during times like that. Anyone else feel this way?

Perhaps someday I'll feel differently, though.  I do acknowledge that I am embarking on the "healing" phase of the Survivor steps... clearly I have a ways to go.   Maybe I'll feel differently later after doing a bunch of that work.



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« Reply #10 on: March 03, 2019, 10:27:47 AM »

Women in their thirties get these types of questions a lot about having children.  If you feel at all conflicted about your status they can really make you squirm.  Sometimes they can make you annoyed as Dotner said.  I know I squirmed when I felt uncertain about having kids because I perceived implied judgement in people's inquiries.  But as I sorted my feelings out things got easier.

I think most people mean well and are just insensitive and that the pressure comes from the inside.

Excerpt
i dont think a quality partner would look at me and consider me an ideal mate at this time, ya know?

How do you feel about meeting someone in a similar state, once removed?  Loads of sweet qualities, but with some stuff they're working on and some unrealized potential?  Might you view that person as a potential companion for romance or friendship?  Or would you write her off as not an ideal mate?
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« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2019, 11:28:11 AM »

Through the years, I have had friends and family members way too interested in my dating life. They seemed to live vicariously through my dating life and think of being in a relationship as some kind of romantic high that they wanted to be a part of, overall a very immature attitude about relationships. I believe one of the indications for where I am in terms of emotional maturity for dating is how the people I choose to surround myself with treat me about dating. The friends I have now don't ask me about things that should be between me and the person I am dating and they never ask me if I am dating anybody. It is a deal maker for me to make friends with a man or woman that discloses things that their couple or children would feel violated if they know this was being disclosed to another person. Past experience tells me that those that don't respect their own relationships are not going to respect mine either.
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