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Author Topic: Sons BPD wife, son received my letter  (Read 648 times)
Mickey47
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« on: February 24, 2019, 06:47:43 PM »

Hey there,
Well I know it’s been some time since my last posting. My son received my letter and talked with his best friend and opened up to him about everything. He said he loves and misses his daughter, but can not have her around his wife, because even when his daughter was present she started fights with him. He doesn’t want his daughter around that at all. He told his best friend he’d see his daughter over my house.

So I will go back to doing that for him and only, because he is in a hard place and a rock. His best friend messaged me Monday at 6 pm and told me that my son had been opening up to him about everything. So I asked him what was going on and he said that my son is about done with his wife. He said he has told her to get help and he told his best friend if she doesn’t get help he is leaving. That he just can not put up with her crap anymore. The jealousy is absolutely out of control and that he can’t even hang with his best friend due to her flipping out.

Well then his best friend contacted me again Saturday morning at 7:30 and said that my son and his wife have to move out of her grandparents house, because she hasn’t been helping them at all. That my son has been doing everything while she sits on her butt and does nothing to help out. So her grandpa told my son why he was kicking them out and I don’t know how long they have till they have to be out but I’m guessing not long.

Best friend said that my son is getting a place to where he was moving to which is closer to their work. I asked if he was taking his wife with him, being she’s the reason they are losing their place to live? He said he didn’t think he was going to bring her this time, but that he is scared that she will kill herself if he leaves her. I told his best friend to tell him. He can not be responsible for someone else’s actions and not to allow her to make him an emotional hostage. I speak from experience on that, because I had a friend that did that all the time to me and I finally said enough was enough. I chose my health and sanity over her. And guess what she found a new friend to abuse.

That’s exactly what I told my sons best friend. He will eventually become so drained emotionally that he will finally pick his health over her. I also told his best friend that if she does threaten to do that then he needs to call the police, because even though she may be just using it to make him stay it needs to be taken seriously.

I pray this is almost the beginning to the end of this awful nightmare for my son, his daughter, our family and his best friend. We’ve all been so concerned about him for so long. My son still hasn’t seen his daughter since Christmas Eve, but that’s about to change.
« Last Edit: February 24, 2019, 07:57:26 PM by Harri, Reason: changed title in accordance with guideline 1.5 » Logged
JNChell
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« Reply #1 on: February 25, 2019, 02:47:41 AM »

Hi, Mickey47. I remember your story quite well. Thanks for bringing the latest update here to the board.

It sounds like your son has a desire to put his daughter first. I hope that he is able to finally make that decision. It also sounds like your son has some pretty good support from his best friend. This is good. You know, it’s weird sometimes. Family members, especially a mom or dad, can give their children solid advice, but they just won’t listen. Then, an outside source like a best friend can echo that advice, and it starts to sink in. From reading many experiences, it seems like a lot of people keep situations like your son’s hidden for quite some time before they’ve had enough and open up and reach out for help. Decades in many cases. What is transpiring here is good. You know your son best. Are you feeling anxious to reach out to your son and try to nudge him further into leaving his partner?

I’m glad that you’re able to find out about the latest developments through his best friend. It’s obvious that his bf cares about your son and his well being. With all of the good intentions involved, be mindful about your interactions with his bf. Does your son know that you’ve been communicating with bf? If not, do you see any possible backlash happening if he were to find out? I think that it’s great that you’re able to have this new information. I imagine that it has set your mind at ease a bit. Just use caution. It sounds like a delicate situation. I’m not sure if you’ve read about the Karpman Drama Triangle in your time with us, but it sounds like the situation could eventually be at risk for this to evolve. Here’s a link if you haven’t already read about it.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

While communicating with bf, have you asked him for his take on your son’s situation? What has he seen?

Hopefully things are finally moving forward. Your granddaughter needs her daddy. You know this. I don’t really know because I’m just a layperson, but it might be beneficial to the situation if your son is able to spend time with his daughter while at your place. I think it’s good that he’s protecting her from his wife, but hopefully sooner than later he will choose his daughter over an abuser.

So, M47. How are you holding up? How’s granddaughter doing?
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Mickey47
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« Reply #2 on: February 25, 2019, 04:32:43 PM »

JNChell HI  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Well there has been another development unfortunately he has decided to take his wife with him to the new place. However it’ll be a while before that happens. So I’m just praying he’ll change his mind before he leaves. The best friend and I have an agreement to not say a word that we are talking. He doesn’t want my son to know he is informing me and I don’t want him to know either. No there wouldn’t be any ramifications of him finding out, because when it’s all over we plan to let him know about it. I know my son will be understanding by that time, because he’ll know we did it because we love him and just wanted to help him.

I have reached out to my son, but there has been no reply. His BF said that she deletes my text, emails, call log that I’ve called and voicemails. I asked him how does he know this and he said back when they lived here he would watch her do it and then in secret he would tell my son. So my son would just pretend he found out by mistake. She’d get all 9 kinds of pissed off and threaten all kinds of stuff.

Why my son stayed with her and then married her I’ll never know. So the BF knows that I text, email, call and leave voicemails. I screenshot it and show it to him so he knows for a fact that she’s deleting it. He gets his father’s text and calls but not mine and definitely not his sisters either. I trust his BF completely he has been apart of this family since they were teenagers so I love him like a son.

I’m doing better then I was doing and only because I just realized that I can’t control this or fix it for him. Which was extremely difficult for me to do, but I’m doing it. My grand daughter is doing good she misses him terribly, but I did stop telling her “I’m sorry baby daddy’s working” I just tell her now that I can’t answer her questions because I don’t know why he doesn’t come around and I haven’t seen him either.

My grand daughter is now 4 yrs old and SMART like her daddy (well excludes his stupidity right now) and she point blank said “well I know where daddy is he is with (the wife’s name) at her grandpa house” I just said well yeah that’s probably where he is your right. Then she wanted to color and play so that was that. I guess we will see how things work out. I do a lot of praying and really other then coming on here and venting and getting advice that’s all I can do.

When he is ready to he’ll come to us and tell us everything, but I don’t think that will be anytime soon. So I just keep busy and pray.
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: February 25, 2019, 04:46:52 PM »

M47, you’re doing all that you can and you’re doing well. It’s unfortunate to hear that your son’s woman will be moving with him. You know, that’s on him. He has to make that choice. Stay strong. You are strong. I hope you know that.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #4 on: February 25, 2019, 05:44:39 PM »

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I's a familiar pattern- both participate in the push-pull. When your son starts to pull- she pushes and vice versa and this is what makes the pattern- he may think he's going to leave but then she acts loving again, promises to change. Then the pattern starts again.

This push pull can actually become addictive in a sense- the highs and lows of the romance can mimic drug actions.

You've done all you can with him. Just love that child, she needs stability. You will have a great impact on her by being that stable, loving, adult.
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Mickey47
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« Reply #5 on: February 25, 2019, 05:57:35 PM »

JNChell
Thank you, yes I’m trying to be strong and some days are harder than others. I just keep standing in my faith that he will see the truth soon. It’ll be a while before the move so I’m praying he sees it before then. That way when he does move he can start fresh and come and talk with us and let us help him. I will definitely help him get into therapy. He was in therapy and was doing well to set boundaries with his baby mama, because she was no angel either.

She has matured quite a bit, but I’ll never forget what she put him through. I’ve forgiven her and we are on friendly terms for my GD sake, but I’ll never forget. So he was in therapy and doing well and then he met his now wife and she talked him out of it convinced him that therapist was judging him. I know this because she talked that way about hers. This was nearly 2 yrs ago now I was talking with her and asked her to help me to convince him to go back to therapy.

Her words to me were “No he doesn’t need that he has ME now and I will help him!” That was in the very beginning and I even said nicely “well I know he has you, but just like you are going he needs to as well it’ll be good for him.” She again repeated that he had her now and that she was going to help him. So I stopped asking and then I talked to him about it and his word were “well I’m good now and (wife’s name, but girlfriend then) is going to help me.” After that I just thought well okay you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink.

So hopefully after this nightmare is over I can get him to understand he needs therapy especially after dealing with everything he has been dealing with. It exhausts me just thinking about it all I can only imagine what living in it must be like.
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JNChell
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« Reply #6 on: February 25, 2019, 06:11:21 PM »

Ok. As it is he’s still going to be living with her. You don’t have control over that, unfortunately. How much time will you be having with GD?
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Mickey47
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« Reply #7 on: February 25, 2019, 11:47:32 PM »

JNChell

I get her on his weekends and she had a blast this last time. She got to see Papa of course, 2 of her Aunts, 4 of her cousins, her great grandma (my mother in law) and her Uncle. She had a full weekend and it did her and I a lot of good. I love her so much she is my sweet sunshine! I love to make her smile and she lights up a room with her smile and personality! She is definitely a light in all this darkness.
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Notwendy
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« Reply #8 on: February 26, 2019, 04:32:55 AM »

What was your son in therapy for?

Sometimes this is a clue to his romantic choices. We tend to "match" our partners emotionally in some ways- not necessarily the same way but somehow.

Although my mother is obviously disordered, I wondered how my father could "match " her. He seemed so stable by comparison. One possible reason was possibly some PTSD from his military service- making it hard for him to manage when she was raging. I don't know for sure. Since your son was in therapy, you may have some clues to his own choices.

Still, your son is an adult, and it would be up to him to pursue therapy and also decide about his relationship. I know it is hard to watch him make the difficult choices he has, but this is his situation to manage.

I'm glad you are there for the child. It will make a difference for her.
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Mickey47
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« Reply #9 on: February 26, 2019, 12:14:50 PM »

He was in therapy, because he was extremely depressed and thought about killing himself everyday. He missed the kids so bad and was so hurt by the baby mama breaking everything off all of sudden. She was cheating on him but he loved her other 2 kids like his own and of course my GD. He reached out to me saying he needed me, because he thought about blowing his brains out every day.

The only thing keeping him from doing it was the kids and me. What it would do to them and what it would do to me. So I immediately got him help and he was doing really good setting boundaries for the baby mama. She had him convinced that it was his responsibility to take care of her other 2 kids even though that weren’t his. The only bio baby is my GD but he did it and loved them all so much.

Anyway that’s what he was in therapy for to help him deal with the break up setting boundaries and trying to just help him become a whole person again and help him with his choices and understanding why he makes the choices he does and such. Then his BPD woman came along and convinced him to quit that she could help him. His therapist was just starting to touch on “why do you make the choices you do”

It amazes me how someone can allow someone else to just take over and ruin their life. At that time he was dealing with his being alone and feeling as if he wouldn’t be able to find someone to love him. To give you a bit of background. I love my children with all my heart and soul and so does their daddy. However, my husband was gone a lot working when we first had our son.

They both have gone through therapy for the issues they had from his daddy not giving him the emotional attention he needed. We actually have been in family therapy in the past. Dad didn’t give enough and I gave too much of myself to the kids. Which caused issues with my husband and I, but we’ve worked through all of that. My son and his dad have a good relationship now and he just called his dad the other day just to chat. Which I just found out from my husband Monday night.

My husband has horrible short term memory issues. So he forgot to tell me he called and he didn’t talk about anything really all that important just work and cars. Although I haven’t heard or seen my son in 4 weeks. I just looked at my husband like he had lost his cotton picking mind. I told him I don’t care if he talks about the color of the freaking sky I want to know when he calls so I at least know one of us are hearing from him and he is okay.

Anyway that’s a little background on that. Our daughter misses her brother so much. She hasn’t seen him since Christmas Eve either. The one time he came to get his mail she was working so she didn’t get to see him. It hurts her too and I just keep telling her one day he’ll find his way back to us. One day I pray he does.
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« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2019, 06:27:25 AM »

The partner of a person with BPD also plays a part in these relationships. It seems your son's wife came along in his life when he was dealing with the loss of his previous relationship. Romance/love bombing can be a huge "feel good" in the midst of his pain for him and it still may be ( when the times are good for them).

This is his journey - the outcome is not known. I know it is hard to think your son is hurting.
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Mickey47
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« Reply #11 on: February 27, 2019, 04:03:38 PM »

Yeah and I had a gut feeling when something’s went down at my house and we actually saw the real her. I would go back in my head in my thoughts about all kinds of stuff and the very few conversations she and I did have. I look back on them now and see where she was most definitely love bombing him and manipulating him. I see a lot of things now that I did see before, but just ignored it. He wouldn’t have listen to me anyway and there were so many times when I would get this gut feeling something wasn’t right with her.

I would dismiss it as being too critical or getting involved too much and I’d back off. Now that I know what I do know now things are going to be a lot different. Anytime my gut says “hey something is off” I’m going to seriously listen to it. His best friend came over last night and talked with us. He said our son is coming to him just about every night with the fact that he is just so sick of her jealousy issues.

He said that our son said he has no peace in his life, but he wants to help her. His best friend told him “dude you can’t help someone who won’t and right out refuses to get help. You’ve told her to get help and you’ve told me if she doesn’t you’re leaving. She’s not getting help and she’s getting worse so you need to just leave.” He said our son said yeah I know but I’m scared she’s going to go off and kill herself if I leave. I told his BF he can not be responsible for someone else’s actions.

I just keep praying he will see the truth and pay attention to it and realize it’s time to get out.
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« Reply #12 on: February 28, 2019, 04:35:38 AM »

I think you are correct that even if you said something to him, he would likely have ignored it, or worse, pushed you away. He's a grown man and would have made his own decision. It's tough because when things are good between them, it's great, and when not, it's really not.

It doesn't seem fair- to you or your child- this kind of alienation of important family members, but it happens in my family. The best advice I have seen so far is to move on- focus on your own life and goals while leaving the door open- communicate and be a loving presence- but don't make it your main focus. I know it is very hard to do when it's someone you love.
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Harri
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« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2019, 12:19:11 PM »

Hi Mickey!  I don't have anything to add that has not already been covered.  You are getting some really good support here! 

I just want you to know i am thinking of you and your family... especially your little g-daughter! 
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Mickey47
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« Reply #14 on: February 28, 2019, 05:23:07 PM »

Thank you Notwendy, JNChell and Harri

I decided at the first of the year I was going to stop focusing on my son so much. I still stay in contact, but there is never a reply. I just send a text that I love him and thinking of him like once in a while. Of course he still uses our address for his bills and such. So I either send a text, email or I just tell his BF to let him know. I think the reason he still uses our address is one it gives him a reason to come by and see us I guess for her, because he doesn’t need one from us.

Also something inside him is still thinking he’ll need to come back home again. He did tell us even after he met his now wife and moved out of our home. He said “do y’all mind if I just continue to use this address?” We said no we didn’t mind at all it was fine. Then he said “good because you know I might need to come back home again one day”. We just said okay no problem we are always here. This was before we knew who his wife really was.

Shortly after that we found out who she was and he asked us again if it was okay. We said it was fine not to worry about it. He repeated the part about might having to come back. So something tells my husband and I both he is not too sure about what he is doing. He is still young so he’ll figure it out one day. I just know if she continues to be physical with him. He’ll only put up with that for so long. He already to his best friend he is getting really tired of and it’s now become an every day thing just about. Plus his BF has some other friends that are talking with him now as well and he talks to them too.

So who knows maybe with their help he can see he can have a better happier life and get out of this situation. Oh by the way NONE of her family wants her. His BF did say she knows if he leaves her she’ll be on the streets, because she’s burned every bridge. So I’m sure she uses that to her advantage, but they wouldn’t be losing their place to live if it weren’t for her. His BF said to my son “dude you are just going to continue losing places to live, because people are just not going to put up with her crap eventually you’re going to have no choice but to cut her loose.

Oh and she doesn’t work constantly says she can’t possibly get a job because she can’t be around people she just can’t handle it. When my sons BF brought that up my son said “she’ll just have to get over it, because it’s that or she’s going to be really upset when I have to take a second job.” 

Anyway I’m about to head out to go celebrate my husband and my 25th wedding anniversary! So y’all have a great weekend and THANK YOU SO MUCH for always being here!
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« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2019, 09:58:39 PM »

Happy 25th Mickey!  I hope you and your hubby enjoy the celebration!

celebrate2
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JNChell
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« Reply #16 on: March 01, 2019, 11:24:00 PM »

Notwendy makes a solid point here.

The partner of a person with BPD also plays a part in these relationships.

For some reason, your son can’t find the strength to leave. He’s drawn to his wife. He puts her before his daughter. The big question is “why?”. Why do you think that he’s drawn to his wife in such a powerful way, when the healthy thing to do for him and his daughter is to leave?

Happy 25th! I’m wondering where that has gone in terms of society. 25 years is more than a milestone. Congrats!
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Mickey47
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« Reply #17 on: March 06, 2019, 06:13:36 PM »

I think the reason he is so drawn to her is, because of his own insecurities. He was cheated on twice by 2 different women. One of which was the mother of his daughter and at the time he was working his butt off on graveyard shift. Then he’d come home get her son ready for school and take him to school while she slept. After talking her son to school he’d come home tidy the house put on a load of clothes.

 Get the other 2 girls up and dressed for the day get them breakfast still while baby mama was sleeping. She’d finally wake up around 11 am and he could finally go to bed, but couldn’t fall asleep until about 2 because the girls were loud. Baby mama didn’t work and this was his life for nearly 2 yrs. They finally split up for good back in March of 2016.

He met his BPD wife in March of 2017 and I had him in therapy but she talked him into quitting. So he had not dealt with the pain of the other 2 women hurting him so deeply. He had insecurities about his looks and manhood. So she picked him right at the perfect time. “Prime for the picking” for sure! He married her October 2018. He told his BF he didn’t want to get married she would bring it up all the time.

He finally agreed to it just to show her there was no reason to be jealous of his baby mama that she was the only one that mattered to him relationship wise. Now after almost 5 months of marriage he is thinking of leaving, but is scared to because he is scared she’ll go off and kill herself.

He told his BF he honestly thought that she’d get better after he married her, but for some reason everything intensified. His BF told me he is very confused, scared, drained and just lost. He said when he moves out he is taking her with him, because he feels responsible for her. She doesn’t work and none of her family want her around, because all she does is cause complete chaos. Because she refuses to get treatment or therapy oh and she doesn’t believe in doctors.

In her head doctors are working for the government and don’t care about your health and it’s a conspiracy to give us medicine that will eventually kill us. She believes she can heal herself through her Pagan God and herbs. Hello she has yet to do that! Why he can’t see her insanity I’ll never understand, but I continue to pray that he will and then he’ll leave.
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« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2019, 04:35:44 AM »

Being in rescuer position is a boon to low self esteem. Also, if the person you are with is completely dependent on you, they are less likely or able to leave. As difficult as these types of relationships can be- they can fit both people in a way.

The fear of suicide must be difficult. My mother had a suicide attempt ( at least one that I know of ). I was young at the time and didn't know what was going on but I do now. I can only imagine how terrifying that could have been for my father.

I know it must be hard to see your son in the situation he is in.
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« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2019, 11:18:34 PM »

Hi Notwendy

Yes it is extremely hard for me, but I just keep holding onto my faith and praying every day and night for his safety. I also pray for his wife’s protection as well. My fear is if she does try and succeeds what that will do to my son. Especially if she does something in front of him. That will screw him up something awful and that is my fear. He will blame himself and Lord only knows what can happen then.

That’s why if and when he does leave her I’m praying before he does he’ll come to us and tell us what’s going on and get our help. I will then tell him that if she is threatening suicide and physically harming him. For him to simply call the police without her knowing and tell them what’s going on then have her sent to a mental hospital for 72 hour observation. During that time he can either pack his bags or hers and either he can leave or send her belongings to her mothers or her Nams (mother’s mom) and let them know what is taking place.

I will tell him I will go with him to support him in anyway I can and to defend him to her family. I then will have a nice little chat with her mother believe me it’s due! Because I’m sorry no matter what my son does I’ll love him and try to help him anyway I can. His wife was in a mental hospital when she was a pre teen so her mother knows she is sick. She was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I at that time and given meds.

I’m sorry but if my child were sick like that I’d do everything in my power to get them the help they needed and follow through with therapy and whatever else was needed to protect and ensure my child got help! Shame shame shame on her family! I know it’s hard to deal with but that’s her child she should have done everything possible to help her. Especially as a 12 or 14 yr old you as the parent are still in control! Lord help me the more I find out about how her family handles things the more angry I become. They all act as if this is something that will go away in time. Thankfully they do know the truth of what’s going on but still that’s not helping my son and my hands are tied until he comes to us.

Sorry I’ve been having a bad day and a hard time today. I have my good days and bad days with this. And this is a very bad day.
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« Reply #20 on: March 08, 2019, 06:38:31 AM »

I'm sorry. I also couldn't stand to see my father suffer in his elder years from my mother's behavior. I even called social services about it, but as long as he was considered in "sound mind" there was no way to intervene. This is what he chose.

At least in my mother' family, denial seems to be an approach to her behavior. I am told by relatives on my father's side that my mother's family was relieved that my father would take care of her. How much her family knew, I don't know. In that era, there wasn't much information about mental illnesses. I imagine she was difficult for them.

Another confusing part is my mother's ability to become completely and wonderfully normal in public and different behind closed doors. If ( and we tried) to tell people about her behavior at home, they don't believe it.

My father also joined in on the denial. Mom could be having a raging fit in the evening and the next morning, it never happened. We were not allowed to mention it.

I have tried to ask my mother's remaining relatives her age about her childhood, what she was like as a teen. I'm not asking with intent to be critical, I am genuinely trying to understand her and her family. They maintain that she was perfectly normal.

I am not a mental health professional but my mother's behaviors when no one outside the family can see them are not normal.

I know it's hard for you and I wish for you that your son takes care of himself- however that means to him. I think for his wife's family- they are either in denial, dysfunctional themselves, or worn out by her behavior. It has to be tough to raise a child like that and perhaps they feel they have done all they know to do, even if it doesn't appear so.

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« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2019, 02:56:57 PM »

Hi Mickey.  I am sorry this is so hard and you are grieving right now.

I think hurting and even being angry is a normal and necessary part of the process.  The think is, like Notwendy mentioned, you don't know what all is going on in your DILs family.  It might be denial or they might have done everything they could.  You can't force someone in therapy and even when they are minors, you can force them to go but if they do not process the information and do the work that is something else entirely.  She may have received the diagnosis of bipolar and it was not accurate or maybe she has co-morbidities.  It is hard to say.

That all said, I do understand your anger.  I was angry as hell with my grandparents and my father for not getting my mother help.  Heck, I am still angry with my father.   We were his responsibility by the time they had us and he failed us miserably... but I also know my mother probably would have fought his and insisted she was the healthy one.  Even if she did go to therapy by force it would have accomplished nothing.

Hang in there.  I hope you have more good days than bad.

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« Reply #22 on: March 09, 2019, 05:41:29 AM »

My mother had a lot of therapy. My father provided all the medical care she could have needed. It didn't work. The reason- she didn't want to do the work for it to be effective.

Eventually, she didn't go. When I was old enough to ask - I asked my father why my mother wasn't in therapy. In a rare moment he answered honestly- "it doesn't work, she lies to the therapist".

I truly think my mother believes that she doesn't have a problem- if there are issues with her- it's other people's problems. Therapy doesn't work with someone who doesn't have the inclination that it might help them.

I have read that BPD can be helped by therapy. I don't know much about that but I think the person also needs to be willing to work with it. There are some people with BPD who have posted about their recovery on the internet- I don't recall exactly who, so I know it is possible, but I think they have worked with it,

It's a spectrum- and I think my mother is on the severe end. My father did all he could to help her, but he also enabled her. They didn't know as much then as we do now about BPD.

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« Reply #23 on: March 12, 2019, 02:39:34 PM »

Well I think my sons wife is like you mother Notwendy

She thinks her behavior is perfectly normal and everyone else is just negative and out to change her. My sons best friend told me that my son did say he is going to tell her to get help and if she refuses he is out. He told him I can’t handle her anymore and I’ve been trying like hell to help her, but I’m exhausted.

Now that they have an apartment together, because they got kicked out of her grandparents house. Because she wouldn’t help them at all. Now my son is getting a taste of what the grandparents went through. They moved in on the weekend of March 1st and I did text my son and let him know that baby mama said GD was missing us and wanted to see us. She didn’t have any plans and said she could go if it was okay with me.

Of course it is I said and so I went and got her. The next day was my birthday so I got to spend time with her for my birthday! Which was amazing! Then I had to have her back home by 2 and told this to my son when I text him. He actually text back and said that the apartment was still a disaster, because they haven’t unpacked everything and it was just a mess.

That he and his wife were suppose to finish it this weekend, because he wanted everything ready so he could come get her next weekend. Guaranteed they’ll be some type of excuse this weekend as well. But I told my husband and sister and they were like “so let me get this straight she doesn’t work has to stay at that apartment all the time, because she has no car no driver license.

So she has tons of time on her hands and the apartment is still a disaster after a whole week?” We all rolled our eyes. Because it doesn’t surprise us she’s extremely lazy so of my son doesn’t do it I can promise you it doesn’t get done. It’s just ridiculous that he puts up with that. But hey that’s what he chose so have it pal!

He will either do 1 of 2 things
Stay in this unhappy marriage for who knows why or
Realize he can have better in life and leave.

I pray he picks leave, because honestly who wants to live like that? Not able to see family for whatever reason. It’s just ridiculous!
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« Reply #24 on: March 12, 2019, 03:05:27 PM »

You are in such a tough painful place with your son and granddaughter, two people that you love with all your heart and want only the best for them. Your are in a particularly difficult position being the mother and grandmother, as your caring about what is happening and being more willing to take action, can sometimes make it more difficult for your son to do the right thing. How can you show your son that you respect his abilities to make the best decisions for himself and not be more interested in change than he is? I am glad to hear that you son has a friend involved who your son will more likely listen to than his mother. I have often told my friends who are challenged with their adult children's behaviors, that their children are more likely to listen to others than their parents, and how hard that must be. My heart goes out to you, as you really want your son to be happy, and your granddaughter to be surrounded by love and adults who will support her. I admire your courage and determination to do whatever you can to help.
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« Reply #25 on: March 13, 2019, 10:28:29 PM »

Zachira

When his best friend told me my son  said “I’d go over to my moms to see her, because I miss my daughter and I feel bad because I haven’t been seeing her. I don’t want to put her through not seeing me. I love her man she’s my daughter. I just can’t deal with my wife flipping out if I even talk about going to my daughters mothers to pick her up.”

So I will do what I can so he can see his daughter, but I pray he will find strength and courage to leave so he can enjoy life. His best friend says he is happy when he is at work, because he is free...until he gets a text from his wife. He said he is really getting tired of having to defend himself to something he isn’t doing. She accuses him of cheating just about every day and I just wonder if she isn’t doing it and projecting it on him.

She plays video games all day long you know the kind where you can chat with someone online. So I just wonder what in hell she does all day. She can’t drive, because she has no car no license so wherever she would go she’d have to walk or have someone come get her. Supposedly she has so much anxiety she can’t go out in public alone. But I think that’s a bunch of bull to make him feel sorry for her. Or she’s doing drugs again
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« Reply #26 on: March 16, 2019, 06:13:56 AM »

Hi again, M47. My time on the boards has been limited lately, so while I’m able to be online, I wanted to be sure to stop by and see how things are going.

I see that your son and his wife have their own place now. From what you’ve described nothing is improving. I can’t say for sure, but there is a chance that her behavior will escalate due to the fact that they are now alone with each other. No one else (grandparents) are there to see what’s happening. Have you introduced your son to this support group? Maybe it would be a good idea to introduce his best friend. It’s been stated that our children will likely take advice from their friends before they accept advice from their parents. This isn’t something that I’d take personally. I believe that it’s part of a child becoming independent which is a positive thing, even amidst the dysfunction that your son is participating in. How do you feel about introducing his best friend to this community?

I’m sorry that things aren’t improving...yet. Stay the course and stay with us. From my POV, you’re keeping a healthy distance from the situation and focusing on your granddaughter. She’s the most vulnerable and innocent individual that is stuck in the middle of this mess without a say-so. Kudos to you for being there for her and giving her the love and attention that a child needs. What you’re doing is having a profound and positive impact on her.

Keep us updated. 
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« Reply #27 on: March 17, 2019, 01:50:30 PM »

JNChell

I’m glad you stopped by and yes he and his wife do have a place of their own. I have a feeling things will escalate, because she won’t have to worry about the grandparents anymore. My sons best friend does know about this group, but doesn’t feel comfortable with joining it. I give him highlights of everything I learn from here. It helps him in talking with my son and or just listening to him.

I am keeping a distance from my son and his situation, because he is a grown man and needs to figure this out on his own. So in doing so my son has contacted me about his daughter. Unfortunately I fell ill and unable to go get her this weekend. He was sorry I was sick and wished well wishes and informed me he had his baby mamas number and would give her a call to discuss with her about coming and getting his daughter.

He said he’d been working overtime a lot at work, but wanted to at least spend the day with his daughter because he misses her. He said he’d been having issues with his sink and such at his new place and dealing with that as well. I just said thank you for the well wishes and sorry to hear he was having issues with his apartment. Then just said even if it was just a day visit that his daughter would love that and love to see him, because she misses him so much.

I told him I love him and hope to see him soon. I do not know whether or not he saw her and probably won’t. Unless baby mama contacts me and says “oh my goodness your son came and got his daughter today I was so happy and shocked to see him.” He has not picked up his daughter in over a year. I always pick up and drop off. Baby mama has told me months ago she wishes for one day she and my son can be on friendly terms again.

She said she knew that she hurt him and when they broke up their relationship was not healthy. She sounds like she wants to set things right. I told her to just give him time he’ll eventually get there, but it will take some time. She knows nothing of the wife and her behavior or anything else for that matter. At this point I think if she did she would want to be a friend to my son and try to help him. However I’m not saying a word it’s not my place to discuss such things. When the time is right I know my son will sit her down and tell her everything.

That time will be when and if he leaves his wife. I pray he does go get his daughter and spend time with her. I also pray he doesn’t allow his wife to ruin his time with his daughter. I do pray one day he and his baby mama can have a friendly relationship for my grand daughters sake. It’s much easier on the child when everyone gets along.

Thanks for checking in on me and I’ll definitely keep all of you posted. Have a wonderful rest of the weekend.
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« Reply #28 on: March 17, 2019, 09:33:17 PM »

I believe that you’re right. Your son won’t be able to have a friendly relationship with his daughter’s mom while being with his wife. I’m glad to hear that you’re keeping a healthy distance from everything and keeping that space open for your granddaughter. She needs that  and you’re doing great. So good to know. Why is your son’s best friend reluctant to engage, or at the very least read here? Has he said why?
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« Reply #29 on: March 18, 2019, 06:33:32 AM »

I also think it is good that you are maintaining some distance from the situation. This keeps you out of the triangle with them and not taking "persecutor " position.  If you become the "bad guy" in their marriage, then they will focus on that more than the issues between them.
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« Reply #30 on: March 18, 2019, 07:47:34 AM »

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This thread has reached its posting limit and has been locked. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.  Have a great day.
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