I never considered the fear of engulfment before with my uBPDbf but I can see this makes a lot of sense now.
We dated for 3 1/2 yrs with make up break up cycles. I used to think too that I would be the "one" who could love him to his recovery.
Hi Tsultan,
I appreciate you taking time to share your version of pervasive BPD romantic dysfunction. Although I agree completely with professionals who refuse to stereotype borderlines homogeneously, of the literally hundreds of stories I've read about late phases of borderline romance, the one thread that holds true in all of them is the role that engulfment fears play on bringing about a sad and tragic end. These stories are told by borderlines and nons alike.
Three and a half years seems to be a magic number when it's the borderline who decides make the split final.
We had planned a vacation to Cape Cod the 1st year into our r/s. About 4 weeks before we were ready to go he ducked out on me. Left me scrambling to find someone else to come instead which lucky for me I found a single gf who was very happy to take his place. The following year we had planned the same thing and he did it again. My good friends came through again and were happy to share the cost of the cottage and trip.
If I had a thousand dollars for every time my gf bailed on plans for vacations, hikes, even hanging out on a three day weekend I could purchase a sailboat. In light of learning about engulfment paranoia, the reason behind her flaky behavior finally made sense. It used to drive me crazy. Why, I'd ask myself, did she choose the Friday before a planned trip, to engage in crazy making behavior or come down with some mysterious affliction. Fibromyalgia was a big one. In the later stages, a more truthful "I'm grumpy" became the preferred excuse to cancel.
Once more because I am insainley unable to give up at times, I asked him during our third summer together and decided I would just ignore his saying he didn't want to leave and see if he would go anyway. He did in fact say he didn't want to go about 1 week before we were to leave but he came anyway. This is where the crazy got even crazier.
I hear you. Your need for emotional security is shared by most of us who post on this site. We were insanely prepared to do anything to keep the dream alive. I shudder at the many similar stories I allowed to happen.
While we were on our vacation we went to see fireworks and it was late and we were stuck in traffic and there were cops leading the traffic at the intersections. Every time we would go through the intersection he would honk the horn at the cops and I became embarrassed at this behavior for some reason. My stuff I know. So I asked "why are you honking at the cops?" He took that comment so personal and became very over the top angry with me and started driving erratically. I was afraid we would crash and said if he kept driving like that I would call the cops. That just made him angrier but he settled down so it worked to get us home safer. That night he didn't want to sleep in the same bed. The next day he said he didn't want to break bread (eat a meal) with me and he ate a separate table. He wouldn't cook my dinner on the grill and said I had even though I prepared all the other ingredients for our meal. Then he tells me I need to find my own way home from the Cape to NY which would have been a 7.5 hour drive. I could not even imagine what I possibly did to deserve that type of treatment. I was so frantic and crying which was probably exactly the response he was looking for maybe? Or should I say the disorder was looking for.
We ended up leaving 3 days early, drove home like I was a prisoner in his truck because I was afraid he would leave me at a rest stop. We talked but it was cold and icy.
I had a similar adventure. I rented a beautiful house on a bluff overlooking the Pacific Ocean for four nights. Paid a lot of money for the rental. We arrived in the afternoon two weeks before Christmas. There was a great storm brewing and the rental had a hot tub perched on a corner of the deck in full view of crashing waves and sea stacks. When I suggested we jump in for a soak she said no, she had come down with a yeast infection. Huh, on the first day of our winter adventure? So I jumped in by myself and could tell this upset her.
Later, as we were making dinner, she brought up my ex receiving a portion of my recent bonus, a requirement of my divorce decree. Suddenly, light a lightning bolt, she went postal, raging that no one ever gave her a portion of their bonus and how unfair it was. I tried hard to calm her down, agreeing how unfair it was to her, even though that bonus was funding our current get-away.
That night she refused to sleep with me. The next morning she demanded we go home, three days early. I refused although I didn't tell her the reason being I was embarrassed about returning the keys to the rental agency after only one night. She retired to the first floor of the rental and refused to speak or take hikes together. When I tried to engage her she unleashed a torrent of hate speech. We came home the next day. She went no contact, refusing to answer the phone, until the second week of January. No shared Christmas or New Year's celebrations that year!
It was after this trip that I would read and research every possible thing I could to figure out what this behavior was all about and that is what eventually lead to this site. I finally had a name for the behavior and it make so much sense to me know. I began to try my best to validate and listen to him and accept him for what he was.
Quite a journey of discovery, wouldn't you say? Unfortunately having that knowledge provided lots of reasons to try to make it better by practicing the validation techniques prescribed for partners of borderlines. For me, in the end, all it did was prolong the hope, and agony, of being in love with such a dysfunctional individual.
The trip to Cape Cod is what he says was the beginning to the end for him. For me it was a big one to get over. I was never able to trust that we could go any further after this trip because if he could ask me to find my own way home after a trip what would he do if I moved in with him? There was no way I was going to sell my townhome, hire a mover and move all my stuff in with him so he could tell me to move out in 3 weeks.
He must have sensed your mistrust and frustration, which probably sealed the exit plan for him. Two days after returning from a fun vacation last summer my gf went off on me, this time threatening to obtain a restraining order on me. I thought what the heck, my gf wants to obtain a restraining order on me? For what? More mystery/more misery.
So, I think really the trip meant to him a sign of our relationship moving to deeper level in which he would feel engulfed, and that is why he would duck out each time. He often told me that if a couple can do well on a vacation that meant to him that the couple could be together and make a commitment.
Another piece of the puzzle solved for me which helps me to understand.
Probably so.
I saw him the other day on the trail and he told me that the trip to Cape Cod was the worse experience that had ever happened to him with any other human being in his entire life. Ouch. I told him I will take responsibility for my part. Trying to sort that out. I am sure it didn't help to ask him why he honked at the cops. I am probably being hard on myself here.
I last saw my ex gf while on my morning hike at the local forest preserve on New Year's Eve. She shouted at me to find another place to hike followed by "f--k off". Heartfelt way to greet an old friend and lover.
Sorry for my long post. I still have some stuff to get out.
Tsultan, I am glad you took time to post. If you want please continue if there is stuff you want to get out. When feeling blue I find a lot of solace posting on this site, knowing there are so many souls out there experiencing the same depressing reflection.
Thanks for sharing on on this topic though. It helped me to heal just a little more. It's been about 9 mos since his final discard over a boundary I set.
My pleasure,
HarborBP