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Author Topic: What are your goals?  (Read 1001 times)
JNChell
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« on: March 10, 2019, 09:52:16 AM »

Truly moving forward is hard. I’ve been seeing in myself that “Doing” has been difficult and it needs attention. I have a list, a routine in my mind, but I haven’t implemented it yet and I’m lost on knowing why I haven’t.

I’ve lost over thirty pounds over the past year and a half by simply changing what I eat, but I can’t find the motivation to work out and pound the weights like I did in my twenties. It’s on my list, but I’m not doing it.

I have a lot of books that haven’t been read. I bought them for a reason, but I’m not reading them.

How do you reach your goals? What do you think holds you back at times? Do you ever prep yourself to take on a healthy act and not follow through?
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« Reply #1 on: March 10, 2019, 09:07:40 PM »

I always thought the phrase "eating an elephant" rang true. It's easy to give up on things when success or completion doesn't happen in the near future. If you do it a little bit at a time, you end up completing fairly daunting tasks over time without even realizing it.

What has worked for me is sometimes making lists and schedules. I may not complete everything on the list, but if I knock out 2-3 out of 7 or 8, that is progress and eventually, I look back and am sort of amazed at what I accomplished without even noticing.

The gym is a tough one for me. I'm not in bad shape, but I used to be pretty athletic. Over the last year I've had a bunch of health issues (hernia surgery, broken bones) that I never had to deal with in my twenties. I go to the gym a couple of days a week because I schedule it for myself on say Wednesday and Friday. Sometimes I miss a day or even a month, but I just keep trying. Maybe someday I'll get back in good shape!

Overall, I would say I prep/plan for a lot more things than I actually complete. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not, but I try to be patient with myself and recognize that nobody can do it all.

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« Reply #2 on: March 11, 2019, 01:16:18 AM »

Long term: A family, success in my field, and maybe moving to mars if elon delivers on his promise , that or living on the beach town where I was born.

Mid term: Starting a new business (unrelated to what I'm doing rn, that's my dad's business and completely unrelated to what I studied for), reaching my lifting/physique goals (I don't exercise regularly, but I haven't "not exercised" in a while so ), dating (funny how priorities change depending on the time horizon)

Short term: Grow my beard "correctly" this time, getting ready for summer (definitely not "beach body" ready, and I don't think I'll even try ), and not much else really, looking forward to Avengers: Infinity Wars 

Excerpt
1) How do you reach your goals?
2) What do you think holds you back at times?
3) Do you ever prep yourself to take on a healthy act and not follow through?
1) By working on them. Timeframes go out the window, I've missed enough deadlines to know better, they help with deliverables (publish a website, ship a product, win the superbowl) but for example "being healthy, working out, dating" don't really do well with it in my experience, mistakes happen, life happens, we get lazy, we lose focus, things happen, just keep at it.

2) I over analyze things. I need to have a goal and a path, if I don't have the path I feel like I'm wasting time and effort and not do anything productive, just keep trying to figure it out.

I know we learn a lot by doing, but just like learning not to stand behind a horse in a rodeo by getting kicked in the you know where's (and I'm sure I'd learn that lesson real fast), it seems terribly inefficient to me given that we have the internet to learn from other's mistakes, but also from their success.

3) Yes, but then I remember about it and do it again, and again, and again... and again

The goal is to keep at it until it sticks. I haven't managed it (as you can see from my previous "beach body" comment above), but I guess if I'm stubborn enough to keep trying I'll get it eventually.
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JNChell
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« Reply #3 on: March 13, 2019, 09:09:11 PM »

Hi, utnapishtim428. I think that I’m kind of where you are on this, although you are farther along than me. I have a routine and goals mapped out in my head, but it’s not moving along like I’ve hoped. I’ve read that sometimes we have to basically force these changes on ourselves for them to take and become a regular practice.
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JNChell
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« Reply #4 on: March 13, 2019, 09:25:42 PM »

Hey, Snap. Your goals are rational. Especially growing a proper beard. Man, i’ve been trying for years and just recently learned my facial hair.
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« Reply #5 on: March 13, 2019, 11:20:11 PM »

I need to lose 30 lbs. I went up two pant sizes,  then thought,  like Jean-Luc Picard, "The line stops here,  no further!"

I was benching close to 300lbs 4 years ago,  then dropped the gym. Free gym at work. Me=idiot.

Short term: eat less and better.  Reduce my blood pressure. 

Near and mid term: meet my work goals.  My boss dropped it on me to promote me as some expert on a specific thing among our world wide labs.  He has me making a presentation next Tuesday to the Grand Poohbah who's visiting the site.  I have nothing.  There's tomorrow and Friday to put something together...

Long term:  retire out of Cali to Idaho in 13(D6 will enter college or whatever)-15 years. This last one is easiest,  just keep doing what I am doing,  but I won't make it unless I do the first goal. 
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JNChell
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« Reply #6 on: March 14, 2019, 07:01:14 PM »

Hi, Turkish. I have a free gym at work as well. Maybe part of it is just wanting to leave from the work environment. That means paying to join someplace. I bought an assortment of dumbells and an adjustable bench to use where I live on days when I’m not able to lift outside of home.  It’s all sitting where I placed it.

During my best days (20’s) I benched 340, could shoulder press 250 and dead lift 500 lbs. I ran 3-5 miles a day with the girl I was with at that time. muscle has memory, just like trauma. It doesn’t take as long to regain strength as it did to build it. The flip side could be said for trauma. I remember your seizure story well. It takes a bit to heal.

What can you proactively do for your blood pressure?

Work goals need to be met. Unfortunately, we have to make money to survive, even though every resource that we need is available. Do you have something put together?

Retiring to where you want to sounds nice. You’re right, not taking the first step, means no steps.
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« Reply #7 on: March 15, 2019, 11:32:32 PM »

340lbs is impressive, most impressive.  Remind me never to run into you in a dark alley. 

In my late 30s, I peaked at benching 3 plates on each side,  3x, unspotted. If that was 315lbs, I figure I maxed out about 325lbs. Not bad for a kid who as a bullied freshman in high school at 13 who could only do the bar.  I boxed 1 to 2 times per week.  My connecting tissue was strong enough that I never hurt despite never wrapping, and we drilled and sparred hard.

For the bench, I remember feeling my muscles strong enough,  but not the connecting tissue.  It took almost a year until i could put those plates up without feeling the strain on my wrists. Now 47, it will be harder... i heat you about the muscle memory.  I should start pushups to begin.

I'm hesitant to try the Muy Thai at my kids' dojo. The adults are in their 30s and in great shape.  I watch them and I'm sure I could out box them (I did it for 7 years, I see all of them not protecting their faces), but for the legs...
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« Reply #8 on: March 16, 2019, 07:06:56 AM »

Turkish, if we met in a dark alley we’d shake hands and own the alley. Did I ever mention that I  Cursing - won't cause site restrictions at Starbucks (click to insert in post)  hate pikies? 

315 at 3 reps is a max of 341.
https://www.nasm.org/docs/default-source/PDF/nasm_one_repetition_max_conversion_%28irm%29_chart-%28pdf-34k%29.pdf

I imagine boxing was a good outlet back in the day. For me it was football. I hit an opponent as hard as I could on every play, but football is seasonal. Rules and regulations apply to both sports, but sometimes I feel bad for the punishment that I doled out on my opponents. It was a personal thing I suppose. From a higher altitude, we aren’t the only ones that participated in violent sports for the reasons that we did. I hope my son never wants to play football. Luckily, the school system that he will be entering doesn’t have a football program.

I understand being hesitant on the Muy Thai, but keep in mind that you have knowledge and wisemind in your corner, not to mention the learned ability to take a hit. It might be fun and another avenue for growth. Maybe one more thing to share with the kiddos.
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« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2019, 08:52:10 PM »

Dang. I should have kept going.  I never really took it seriously,  but maybe I could have reached 400 in another year if I had.  I dropped a day or two per week... when I started dating my ex.  She required more time from me.  Maybe I'll start with pushups again,  and twirling the weighted bars I have at home to work on countering tissue and flexibility... I have a bokken I could also start swinging around in the backyard again. 
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« Reply #10 on: March 16, 2019, 09:07:20 PM »

I did some pushups tonight.  S4 said “Daddy, what are you doing?”. I told him.

Our exes required a lot from us. What is the tissue issue that you’re speaking of?

It’s hard getting back into hobbies and routines. I’m good at guitar. I haven’t touched it for a while. When I did my playing and voice have evolved. I want to play out again, I think.

Do the push-ups.
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« Reply #11 on: March 16, 2019, 09:15:46 PM »

Ligaments and tendons.  I felt my muscles stronger than those back in the day which is why I never tried to max. 

I rescued a Spanish guitar (my mom bought it in Spain in 1969) from my mom's hoard.  I had it restrung over ten years ago.  It's in my closet.  I won't bring it out in front of the kids because they aren't old enough to respect it.  It's another thing I could teach myself to an extent if I wanted to.  Short fingers though. 
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« Reply #12 on: March 16, 2019, 09:30:08 PM »

Guitarist’s fingers vary.
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« Reply #13 on: March 17, 2019, 10:19:18 PM »

Guitarist’s fingers vary.

As does talent 

Alex Lifeson from Rush doesn't have long fingers...

I can read music still, I think.  Played baritone and trombone back in the day.  I need to whip that puppy out and try.  My non musical buddy had a stepdad (his mom married the guy in his 20s) who played, and my buddy put in the effort and could eventually play a little working with his SD.
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« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2019, 06:51:37 PM »

That’s great! If you’re inclined, you should definitely get it out. I never learned how to read music. Only tablature, chords and by ear. Also by playing with some very talented players.

Rush is a true collective talent. 3 piece rock bands that can pull off a sound like that get much respect. I’m generalizing it to rock, but there are other genres that make 2-3 piece arrangements. Anything more added would take away from the sound. Sometimes less is more.

I used to watch an off the wall sitcom. “Trailer Park Boys”. It was out of Canada. Alex Lifeson was in one of the episodes. That show is the first thing that popped in my mind when I read his name. I did a lot of laughing while watching it.

You know, I wanted to play/learn music as a youngster. I remember the exact day when there was basically a school band open house where all of the instruments were displayed, and the students and parents could walk through the demo and pick which instrument they were interested in. I landed on a sax. Don’t remember which one, but I was immediately told that money wouldn’t be spent on something that I’d lose interest in and we immediately left. I ended up busting heads on the football field, playing baseball and throwing shot and disk for the track team. My Sis wasn’t all that interested in music, but ended up with a flute. Decades later, I’m a decent guitar player, have played many shows during a certain period of time, and she has no interest in the instrument that was chosen for her. Admittedly, sometimes I have to laugh at the dysfunction and backwards thinking. Lord! It’s ok, though. I held my passion and was eventually able to nurture it. I guess that I should recognize that in my own way.

It might be kind of fun for your kiddos if you break out some music here and there. S4 and I played a game over the weekend. He was playing in his room and I was pacing while noodling. He started to ask me to play for him. In turn I’d ask him what about. Most of it was funny improv. A bit was serious. What I noticed from the exchange was his reaction. Giggles and smiles along with thought that I could see on his face.

Dust it off. Your kids will appreciate it.
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« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2019, 07:58:06 PM »

Hobbies: I would like to get back into playing my guitar again.  Paint.  Buy a piano and start playing that again.  Used to play when I was a little girl.  I would like to visit parts of the America that I haven't seen. In particular, the National Parks and some parts of the south like Georgia and New Orleans. The Florida keys.  Michigan.  The PNW.

Health: Continue to grow spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  Practice yoga again. Learn how to meditate. (can't believe I am saying that I always thought it was boring) Keep walking.  Gain some discipline with eating less chocolate. 

Family: Stay connected with my grandchildren.  I am really starting to bond with my GS4 and my GD2.  I have a loving and supportive r/s with my D24 and my S26.  Sadly, starting to lose hope on staying connected with my S35.  He is struggling with addiction I think he is isolating. 

Stay connected with my brothers and sisters.

Continue to develop my friendships with girlfriends. 

Ride my horse.  Fish.

I have all these goals but sometimes find them hard to put into action.  Not sure why.  By the time I get home from work I just want to veg on the couch.  It could be the weather.  It's still pretty cold here in Upstate NY.

Right now I'm adjusting to a new job so I need to cut myself some slack.

Great question JNChell.  It's good to get some perspective.

BG
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« Reply #16 on: March 21, 2019, 03:47:06 PM »

Hi JNChell, I struggle with meeting my goals as well! I set so many of them, and have lengthy lists but then have trouble maintaining the energy, motivation, and willpower to change my habits, routines, and practices.

Some things that have actually been helpful- reframing to the short term benefits. If i drink more water, my skin might not immediately clear up, but i might have more energy and focus in the moment if i'm more hydrated. If I work out, I might not fit into my skinny jeans from last year, but I might feel better today. Just getting through the day can be exhausting and painful, so small acts of self care can bring relief in the moment, even if they don't ultimately mean that I'll be as healthy as I was in my 20's.

Also it's been motivating setting deadlines in a way- having a date, event, job interview, etc coming up makes me feel like- okay this week i'll take good care of myself so I can be in a good mental and physical state to make a good impression and be able to embody my highest self.

Some things that are supposed to help with setting goals- having an accountability buddy (i had tried to set something up to work out with a friend in the neighborhood regularly, didn't pan out tho),  setting SMART goals (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely.). For me I've realized that comparing (ppl say compare yourself to your personal records, not others... I think it's harmful for me to compare myself to my younger self prior to the abuse) was a huge barrier. I would want to achieve smaller goals and breaking them into smaller steps, and being kinder, more forgiving, and more accepting of myself, even without accomplishing my goals.). I tried to acknowledge the smaller steps. Even if i exercise, eat healthy, drink water, get outside for nature/sunshine, meditate, do yoga, etc today I'm going to feel frustrated if I'm comparing myself to the healthier and happier person I was before (and that I envision becoming). I got to rock bottom (not getting out of bed/leaving my house/doing anything) and now celebrate each small thing I accomplish (laundry, cooking, stretching, etc) as a victory. And taking pride in myself, instead of beating myself up/being hard on myself, grants me more energy to add on more elements of my daily routine so i am more functional, stable, and balanced. It's stuff a struggle, but I've def noticed a shift in my overall mindset (thank you therapy!) but I do feel a lot of up's and down's- when I first left the BPD relationship I was gung-ho about going all out with healing, living, socializing, learning, etc. And I have had so many ups and downs. And my therapist has been helpful with giving context on being less hard on myself. I've been emotionally abusing myself, and perpetuating the narratives, pressure, judgement, shame, etc from my BPDx and family of origins for long enough. It's still there but it holds less power over me. Even if my body isn't super fit and healthy, if I feel achey and out of shape, I can so something small here and now to change that tide. And each time I do something good for myself (even if it's inconsistent and I slide back and forth) it creates those neuropathways and muscle memory that will help healthier routines and practices stick.

Are there small steps you can take? Perhaps focusing on one goal at a time? Like one week you focus on selecting one book to  start wtih and putting it by your bed, or couch, or kitchen table to remind yourself to read it. Start with one small workout that is short and easy. Once you are moving, you might want to push/challenge yourself more, or you might build up your stamina to start wtih.

I'm starting a new job next month after spending 7 years at the same job, and moving to a new city. Those changes and new first impressions make me feel motivated to work on being my best self and taking pride in who I am and how I live- when I'm isolating myself in my comfort zone and feeling shame I don't feel motivated. My goals are to eat healthier (less processed food, more veggies, more protein seeds/nuts/etc and less dairy- i'm already vegetarian). Drink more water, do more yoga, stay more organized, and try new things (i'm thinking dance classes). I struggle with adult acne, poor posture, mouth breathing, social anxiety, and depression from an 8 year emotionally and psychologically abusive relationship with my BPDx, and with emotionally abusive family of origin. I'm hoping to address those things and get healthier, more active, develop more self acceptance, less time in front of screens, more reading/writing, more drawing/painting, and more deep breathing and yoga, and more time spent in nature. I'm hoping to be more productive at work, more socially comfortable in my personal and professional life, and more at peace with myself. It feels like a challenging and exhausting battle with the downward spirals of isolating, feeling shame, hiding, insomnia, and a loud and painful inner critic. Developing new friendships with people not enabling/supportive of my ex, and ppl who are willing to listen, validate, and accept me as I am has been a helpful foundation to start to crawl towards the more motivated, healthy, active, social, and productive person I am capable of being. 
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JNChell
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« Reply #17 on: March 22, 2019, 05:08:03 PM »

Hey there, BGWelcome new member (click to insert in post) Thanks for joining us. Sorry it’s taken me a bit to respond. My time on the forum is a bit limited for the time being. We share some common interests.

Excerpt
Hobbies: I would like to get back into playing my guitar again.  Paint.  Buy a piano and start playing that again.  Used to play when I was a little girl.  I would like to visit parts of the America that I haven't seen. In particular, the National Parks and some parts of the south like Georgia and New Orleans. The Florida keys.  Michigan.  The PNW.

How long has it been since you’ve played the guitar? I just recently have started playing a bit since I’ve started this thread. It’s been nice. Even singing a little. Piano is great. I’d love to have the space for one and learn what I can some day. I’ve been told that if a person can play guitar that it’s easier to learn the piano and vice-versa. Have you found that to be accurate?

I’m with you  on exploring America. There are other places that I would like to visit on Earth, but I’ve not seen nearly enough of our great country. S4 and I will be taking vacations together soon enough, and I plan on mixing fun with meaningful and educational trips. I’m excited about that. Just today a coworker told me about a Gummy Bear factory that isn’t terribly far from here. Tours are a available and I guess there’s an insane candy store at the end of the tour. I’m going to look into that. The PNW made me think of a book that I’ve read. It was a gift from my sister when I was in a very dark place. “Wild” by Cheryl Strayed. I highly recommend it. No spoilers, but it’s about a woman that embarked on a spiritual journey on the Pacific Coast Trail.

Personal health and family are positive goals. I’m sorry to know about S35. I hope that that will turn around for you. If you haven’t already, I’d like to suggest that you talk about it on the Child board. Some very good folks over there that are going through things similar to yourself.

Fishing? Well, yeah! I bet that your horse misses the strolls that the two of you would take. I’ve ridden a few times with my closest friends. It’s a fond memory and I made a friend with a horse. She’s not rideable anymore, but whenever I go over to their place, I try to remember to bring her some treats and have a little chat and head head rub.

Maybe for a lot of us here, we just need to start doing. I think that once this thread has either run out of steam or is locked, I’ll start a part 2 where we can list our goals and report back weekly on how or what we’re doing to meet them. What do you think?
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« Reply #18 on: March 22, 2019, 05:38:41 PM »

Hi, tin. I agree with you. When we’re trying to process what we need to process and get through our day to day lives, it is difficult to make room for much more than that. Processing this type of stuff is hard. It takes will, practice, repetition, patience and understanding why all are necessary. That’s not a lot of words, but it’s an emotional grocery list.

I’ve heard, and it makes sense, that we should start out simple to not overwhelm ourselves. Decide on an achievable list of short term goals that might challenge you a bit to achieve, but are fairly easy to. I think I heard that from Jordan Peterson, but I’m not sure. Basically, achieving that list of goals builds a level of confidence and discipline to reach for new and higher goals. Can you see how it can snowball? I’ve not implemented this theory yet, so I’m not giving advice. But it’s beginning to make sense.

I think that you’re being wise in being aware of comparing yourself to your former self. I do this too. I did in this thread and there has been some guilt attached to that. Being present in the moment is the best advice that I’ve ever gotten. From this community and my T. I’m not fully there yet, but I’ve seen it. Do you ever struggle with being where you are at any given time?

Congratulations on the new job and the move! That sounds exciting!

tin, the goals that you mentioned are good and attainable goals. Can you pick 2 that you would like to start on and give attention to starting Monday? I’ll do the same.
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We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



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