He's trying to pull me back in ...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

He's trying to pull me back in ... .And I know this is a manipulation ... .So angry he sees me as something he can manipulate ... .As some weak and mindless object ... .Trying to dangle himself in front of me like a carrot on a stick ... .Reminding me of how he's new and improved ... .everything about him that I should be missing ... .that he can offer to someone else ... .Why can he still hurt me ?

[Harlygirl]

He's trying to pull me back in ... .And I know this is a manipulation ... .So angry he sees me as something he can manipulate ... .As some weak and mindless object ... .Trying to dangle himself in front of me like a carrot on a stick ... .Reminding me of how he's new and improved ... .everything about him that I should be missing ... .that he can offer to someone else ... .Why can he still hurt me ?

[once removed]

what is he doing? whats going on?

[Harlygirl]

Hi Once ... .He's been texting me ... .Sending me messages and updates regarding all he's been doing since I went no contact (not responding ) ... .Dr.s appointments (psychiatrist) ... .Life Coach ... .Self help books ... .Medication ... .he's been pushing for me to respond to him ... .describing himself as " funny, ambitious, not hard to look at, loving, affectionate, warm, giving " ... .all of which I've witnessed ... .What he doesn't address is how all of that gets turned off like a switch ... .in a blink of an eye ... .How he then completely devalues me and mine ... .lies to us ... .verbally abuses us ... .aggressively destroys property ... .Makes threats ... .Recklessly endangers us ... .All of which many of us here have witnessed with their own pwBPD... .And it's not that I think he is not doing what he says he's doing ... .But that I truly do not trust his motivation is to change ... .But to reinforce this facade that ultimately always crumbles and falls apart when he's under duress ... .As though working so hard to keep his false self on display ... .Just becomes too hard ... .too stressful ... .That's when he turns on me ... .

[once removed]

But that I truly do not trust his motivation is to change

many songs have been written about these desperate promises to change. certainly, actions speak a lot louder than words.

so what do you say to him when he says all of this?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Harlygirl, Let's face it: those w/BPD are experts at manipulation.  Due to my own naivete, I was highly susceptible to FOG.  It seems like you are feeling pressure, which to me is indicative of arm-twisting.  Suggest you press the pause button and listen to your gut feelings, which it sounds like you are already doing.

LuckyJim

[Harlygirl]

HI Lucky ... And Once ... I haven't replied ... .And I find myself blocking his texts when I feel particularly saddened or angered or hurt ... .I get the sense he's doing what he says he's doing ... .But know in my heart it's likely because he's been told it's what he should be doing ... .and people pleasing is something he's very skilled at ... .Until he can't tolerate all the internal chaos building up inside him ... .Despite going through the motions on the surface ... .I can only hope at some point ... .perhaps inadvertently as he does ... .that something clicks ... .For me ... .I want to let go ... .But sometimes end up here on this site because I'm still trying to understand if there was anything real or true about his personality ... .Who was this person I loved ... .? 

[Lucky Jim]

For me ... .I want to let go ... .But sometimes end up here on this site because I'm still trying to understand if there was anything real or true about his personality ... .Who was this person I loved ... .?

Perfect.  This is the place to do it.  I think you are wise to keep good boundaries and decline to reply.  Why stir up a hornets' nest?  Those w/BPD are skilled at putting up a good front, in my view, which can be confusing.  My BPDxW has a gregarious personality and was known as the unofficial Mayor of our small town.  Little did people imagine what "The Mayor" was really like behind closed doors!

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi HarlyGirl,

If someone says that they’re going to change youll see it through their actions and not their words. It sounds like he’s trying to convince you which raises red flags  Good for you for not giving in.

[Harlygirl]

Thank you all ... I'm trying to to do what I know is right ... it seems to get harder ... There are those who see my not engaging him as cold hearted ... and abandoning ... as he does. Since I've gone no contact, he's been diagnosed with a chronic illness ... But I will try to elaborate more on a different thread...