Time since separation: almost 8 months.
NC: 2 months and 21 days
Hey guys!
So as you can tell, this is another journaling post.
It's been over 2 and a half months since the last time my ex and I spoke, when she asked me (indirectly) whether I wanted to be her friend.
I unblocked her on Facebook and told her myself that I need more time.
The interaction brought about a conflicting cocktail of emotions that made me feel very ambiguous.
To this day, I'm not exactly sure whether contacting her myself was the smart thing to do. While I feel proud for having done so, as well as that my ex did deserve a direct response, all the same I feel the interaction made me take lots of steps back.
In some ways, it really feels like I've restarted the detaching process, only that this time it's quicker and more streamlined.
My ex is no longer blocked, so I look at her profile from time to time. She seems to be flirting with guys over Facebook, except it's a weird friends but flirting kinda thing. This made me realize she may have not be actually dating someone as I had said in my previous posts. Nevertheless, the flirting was definitely there.
It was her birthday somewhat recently. It felt really weird for us not to be talking on that day. I remember her birthday one year ago. We were all lovey-dovey, exchanging voice messages, me telling her just how much I wish I could be there with her, etc.
But the day passed. And for me, it was just an ordinary day. Good.
I still love her and I still miss her. And could be a reality for a long time. I'm starting to accept that. But life has really started to feel and seem prettier. I've completely stopped ruminating. I'm no longer anxious and I resort to mindfulness very sparingly.
As I've said before, there were a lot of things I could have handled better during the relationship. That realization is hurtful and, dare I say, even shame inducing. I know very well that I did my absolute best with what I knew back then. And yet, something very important to me ended. That's not pleasant.
I think my ex did well to end our relationship. She said she was feeling trapped, etc. Again, I know this, but truly assimilating that truth is difficult. Perhaps I need more time.
My ex had said we could be friends in the future, on the day she broke up with me. 5 months later, she asked to be friends. I guess she had emotionally checked out of the relationship for about a month and had already decided we'd make good friends afterwards.
That kinda sucks though :p If she wanted to be friends, doesn't that mean she got over me? :p
Very recently, my ex went to a concert in another city with her mother. The 2 seem to have had tons of fun, and my ex seems to be doing better these days. Part of me is happy for her, part of me is bitter.
Something tells me my perception of reality is still slightly distorted by my feelings of hurt. Time will tell and... I guess I need more time in general.
Thank you for reading.
