Finally safe

[Frankee]

I am happy to be able to official post under Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship.  I was surprised at the reply I received.  I was attempting to change a password and received this.

I really thought we were doing better. Do what you have to do. Please stop trying to block me from the email account. All my show are on there. Are you angry? What's going on? Where are you? You don't have to hide. If you want me to leave you alone, I will.

Whether or not is sincere, I do not know.  Either way I am happy.  A big part of me thinking that he saw it coming.  Over the past couple weeks, things have been very sour.  He has said more than once about how I am not his wife, I am not the woman he is meant to be with, accused me of cheating, more times than aI can count.

I also want to give a big thanks to all of the wonderful replies I received for my goodbye letter.  I feel that was an incredible closing and farewell.  I really think it softened the blow.

Either way, today is the day I start to heal and move towards a healthier future.

[Cat Familiar]

Congratulations for all that good planning and the kind way in which you exited. 

How are you feeling right now? Were you able to get a spot in the local shelter?

Are you thinking about replying to his email?

[snowglobe]

Frankie, you took a giant step in a healthy direction. I’ve followed you for a long time now, at times I saw the parallels between our lives. You are both brace and inspiring, resilient and resourceful. Somehow I don’t have a slightest doubt that you will be ok. You have managed school throughout the storms, you have faced your own mortality through your diagnosis, you have discovered your self worth. I’m emotionally congratulating you on your inner victory of health over dysfunction. I pray for you to adjust quickly and to stay safe. Please keep on updating us

[Skip]

Can you fill us in on the details?

Are you local?  How long can the shelter support you? Daycare?  How has your oldest child taken this? Who is taking his calls to assure him the kids will still be available?

[Skip]

Re: Finally safe

This is not so much about physical safety as it is about getting out from underneath his financial control and emotional domination, right?  You would have just filled for divorce if you had the means to leave and support yourself. The shelter give you that financial support (e.g., shelter, daycare, etc).

I say this because its important to keep this cool as possible. You will be co-parenting in a few weeks/months with him.

I really thought we were doing better. Do what you have to do. Please stop trying to block me from the email account. All my show are on there. Are you angry? What's going on? Where are you? You don't have to hide. If you want me to leave you alone, I will.

I would sit on his email until tomorrow.

1. I would validate him for his offer giving you space.  You asked for it. You said it was important. He is offering it. I'd thank him for respecting your wish, need.

2.  What would you have to do to give him access to his shows? I'd be thoughtful. You both will do best as co-parents if you are thoughtful to each other. Its real easy for conflict to escalate - try to avoid that.

Can you just get another email address and give him this one?  Can you get a new email address for him, transfer his accounts to it, and send him the password?

You are out now. Part of making this stick is moving to a new relationship role. Its way to early to reach out - I think the immediate goal is to not do anything that escalates tensions.

In the next 6-8 weeks you will both be processing the relationship and think about whether this is really the end. Be kind to yourself and him and make that "space" as safe as possible for everyone.

[GaGrl]

I'm so glad to hear you executed your plan successfully! Stay strong.

[Frankee]

The lady at the office was awesome and got my son and I a spot.  We are in a room by ourselves, but there are 4 other beds, so may have company at some point.

I am feeling good.  I talked to the ladies and told them my story (only last couple of incidents) said there was a lot more I can disclose when I get settled in.  I cried some.  My little one is taking a nap so it gives me a chance to relax some and think about what's next.

I have daycare lined up, I am still local, I haven't told the oldest child.  He is with my parents on vacation.  I found a text messaging app that provides disposable phone numbers.  I really don't have a third party at the moment to help relay messages, but this way he doesn't have my primary phone number.

He says he isn't angry and won't do anything.  He is just sad.  I am hoping he is sincere about that.  I would like to stay here in town, but the shelter ladies said it may not be safe and have mentioned leaving to a different town.  I don't really want too.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so proud and relieved for you, Frankee.

Take it one step at a time. I think most dv services advise getting space between the survivor and the abuser, but each situation is different.

Will you have a counselor available to you at the shelter?

I'm glad you and your baby are safe.

Redeemed

[AskingWhy]

I am happy to be able to official post under Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship. 

I am so happy, Frankee, to hear you are moving forward!  This is indeed a new chapter in your life.  Embrace this as a new beginning!   

I would like to stay here in town, but the shelter ladies said it may not be safe and have mentioned leaving to a different town.  I don't really want too.

It might be wise to listen to the shelter staff as they have experience with people seeking shelter.  They know well the mindset of those who force women into shelters.

Be well, Frankee.  Now you have your eyes open and are better equipped to make the right decisions for you and your family.

[Frankee]

Congratulations for all that good planning and the kind way in which you exited. 

Thank you . I really feel good about the way I left.  I really feel that the letter I left and the dissolution of conflict helped.

How are you feeling right now? Were you able to get a spot in the local shelter?

I am feeling well today.  My youngest one seemed to take all of it with a grain of salt.  He got a little scared at night, but I slept next to him and told him I wouldn't let anything happen.

Are you thinking about replying to his email?

I sent him a message that said I appreciated him respecting my wish to be left alone and that I would work out the details soon so he could see the youngest.

I’ve followed you for a long time now, at times I saw the parallels between our lives. You are both brave and inspiring, resilient and resourceful.

I really appreciate that.  It saddens me when I find out how many people are going through smiliar things.  It is very hard to reach out to people and tell them the truth behind closed doors.

The time I left before was different than now.  I feel at peace with my choice.  I spent the last two weeks, carefully thinking about my choice and observing his behavior.  I was allowed to time to emotionally detach from the relationship and to say goodbye to my home. 

[Frankee]

There is parts of me that are sad.  Now the reality of my oldest child is sinking in.  He has the last name of his bio dad (my ex husband) who has no contact with him and will never have contact with him.  Having my bph adopt him is a pipeline dream now.

I am torn.  Part of me wants to still change my last name to my bph so it will be the same as my youngest.  But then my oldest one will still have a different last name.  My oldest child thinks his last name is my bph's last name (same as his little brother), but it legally isn't.  If I leave my maiden name, then neither the boys or myself will have the same last name.

I know after all I have been through, this seems like unimportant topic to some, but it bothers me.. a lot.  I grew up where we all had the same last name and having different last names mean there were different father's or being unmarried.  Which in turns me that one day, my oldest one is going to realize why his last name is different than his brother's.  I am worried he will find out the truth about my bph not being his real dad and that his real dad is a child molester...

[I Am Redeemed]

Oh Frankee,

I understand these kinds of details. Listen to this: My two oldest daughters have their dad's last name. My S7, D5, and S3 all have my stbx's last name. My S6 has my maiden name, because uBPDh wasn't there to sign the birth certificate. If I get divorced and go back to my maiden name, I will share a last name with only one kid, but part of me wants to do that so he isn't all by himself .

I hate it, too, I wish we just all had the same name, especially since my oldest kids' dad doesn't even try to see them, and uBPDh may never get his stuff together to be able to have a r/s with his kids 

Would it be possible to change your oldest son's name to your maiden name? Your youngest would still have your bph's name, but that's ok. Maybe your oldest wouldn't question too much if you both had the same name, at least not until he's old enough to be told the truth.

[Frankee]

That's not a bad idea about changing it to my maiden name.  I wish I had done that when I divorced my ex.  Can't change the past though.

I met with a case worker, surprisingly enough it was a man.  He was very nice though.  He gave me great advice and honestly a more realistic goal.  I was thinking that by the 30 days I would have my own place and be hustling my own scene.  He said that basically, I should look at about 3 months at least if I work hard, squirrel away every penny, and get assistance with daycare.

I am confident if I figure out my current reality, set a goal, I will meet it.  That has also been something good about me.  When I have a vision of what I want to seen done, I will move mountains to reach that goal.

My bph has been also surprisingly quiet in this whole situation.  No blasting messages, no begging, no saying he can't live without me.  He is actually respecting my wishes.  I am really happy because it is allowing the focus I need to get my goals reached.  I did leave a disposable text number so I send messages about bills.  I made a list of what bills are due and due date.  As much animosity I feel towards him and his behavior, I know bills still need to be paid.  I am taking responsibility for debt.

Tomorrow I meet with my actual case worker and get custody arrangements and divorce proceedings put into motion.

[Frankee]

Think I just lost the support of my sister in law.  I sent her a message on Facebook messenger and she gave it a thumbs down.  I thought she would be happy...  I am starting to wonder if she really wanted me to stay and work it out with him.  I said I don't miss him... Maybe that's why?

Really sucks.  I thought I could confide in her.  She seemed so understanding and helpful when I was talking about leaving him... Maybe she didn't think I would actually do it?  *Sigh*. I guess I need to be really careful who I trust right now.

[Turkish]

Blood can be thicker than water, and this might get into unhealthy triangulation.  Focus on what you need to do now and get a stable home for you and your son, after which comes co-parenting. Emotions will be heightened for a while.  After things settle, your relationship with her will also, even if changed.  

When my ex left, her whole family didn't like it (her mother was distraught) and one of her brothers doesn't respect her anymore to this day.  Yet she's still his sister, and she's a sister (and sis-in-law) and daughter first.  Nothing changed that.

[Frankee]

Okay, so she didn't mean to do thumbs down.  She said she is glad we are okay.

Still going to be careful about what I say though.

[Skip]

I said I don't miss him... Maybe that's why?

Frankee, it's really important to communicate neutral messages to your husband, his family, and friends if you want peace.

While saying you don't miss him is a liberating feeling to you, it is a statement of his worthlessness to him.  Good for you. Hurtful to him.

You two are in different worlds now. You feel you are embarking on a new life of your choosing. He is picking up the pieces of a broken family and his kids are gone. You wake up in the morning with hope. He is waking up to darkness.

If any message is sent/delivered by third parties (and assume all will talk to him), let it be the massage of the letter you left and let it be humble.

[Frankee]

You two are in different worlds now. You feel you are embarking on a new life of your choosing. He is picking up the pieces of a broken family and his kids are gone. You wake up in the morning with hope. He is waking up to darkness.

I appreciate the perspective.  I spent so long seeing his side that I lost myself.  Now that I am free, I see hope and a brighter future.  I know this has impacted him differently. 

Sometimes I feel like he should had seen it coming.  Words he said to a friend of mine that echo "I thought things were getting better".  I didn't see it that way.  Other things, telling me I am not the woman he married, he was thinking of starting a new life without me, he wants a woman that is xyz and I'm not her, etc.  Then his behavior, accessing me of cheating of him non stop, trying to get me to quite my job, calling me a failure, telling me he doesn't trust me it believe me.

The fact he thought all of that was "getting better" was a like a huge red flag smothering me.  I think it reached a point where all the SET, JADE, and boundaries would had been a waste of time.  I was already checked out of the relationship and just waiting the time to leave

[Skip]

I appreciate the perspective. 

And that is what it is... perspective.

There is a side of you that wants to sting him... vengeance... payback.

But there is one important thing to remember - however good it feels, it come with a price. In the next 18 years of co-parenting, he can turn the dial anywhere he wants for 0 (non-cooperation/war) to 10 (amicable paying coparent/best interest of kids).

If you stay neutral, maybe he dials in at 5 or 6 or 7.  If you sting him, maybe he dials in at 2.

So zing him to the level you feel you need to. Give him what he deserves. Just remember that it will come around. 

[Frankee]

There is a side of you that wants to sting him... vengeance... payback.

If you stay neutral, maybe he dials in at 5 or 6 or 7.  If you sting him, maybe he dials in at 2.

So zing him to the level you feel you need to. Give him what he deserves. Just remember that it will come around. 

There have been moments where I have a strong desire to shove it in his face, scream at him how bad he hurt me and will never have the chance to ever to do it again, that his F**Ed version of love is why I left, that I am never coming back, that you don't treat someone the way he did of the love them.  But I don't...

I let that feeling come over me and I observe it for what it is.  I also agree that it will serve no good purpose except for a temporary relief.  As much as I would love to text him all of that, I don't.  I have done so well at seeing things for how they really are and have practice such self restraint to throw it all away now.

It will be hard.  But I know that it is important to keep a neutral relationship for the boys sake.  And honestly... If he didn't hear me telling him all this when I was with him... Why would he listen now?  It would be a waste of my precious time and energy to start a war with him.

[Cat Familiar]

I think it reached a point where all the SET, JADE, and boundaries would had been a waste of time.  I was already checked out of the relationship and just waiting the time to leave

I know that with my very toxic ex, even if I had used lots of the tools we teach here, I don't think I could have had a relationship that would in any way have been healthy for me.

That said, your situation is different in that you share children and will need to interact with him for years.

Those tools will come in handy and they're also very useful for every other human interaction you will have. So get busy and practice them. You won't regret it.

We have choices in life. We can move through life with few conflicts or we can take things personally and have regular battles. I spent so much of my life struggling with people who had personality disorders--my mother and my first husband. Now I choose to live conflict-free and it's so much easier and lots more fun. It took a while to learn how to do it, but that time I spent learning the tools was worth it.

[Frankee]

Those tools will come in handy and they're also very useful for every other human interaction you will have. So get busy and practice them. You won't regret it.

We have choices in life. We can move through life with few conflicts or we can take things personally and have regular battles. I spent so much of my life struggling with people who had personality disorders--my mother and my first husband. Now I choose to live conflict-free and it's so much easier and lots more fun. It took a while to learn how to do it, but that time I spent learning the tools was worth it.

I agree CAT.  The tools on here are useful for every day kind of interactions.  There are people that you may meet briefly who have some sort of infliction.

It will be really nice to apply these tools and have the interactions be brief or have a more detached experience.  I have let me heart open twice to men that turned out to be toxic.  You can bet your bottom that I will be on high alert for the red flags and listen to my gut without missing a beat.

I have had the however you want to call it, life experiences that I never wished to had to have learned.  I tell myself that just because they abused my love, says something about them, not me.  It shows that I have a great capacity for very strong love, but once it is gone... There is no getting it back.  I also need someone that will give me a healthy equal love, not drag me down to he//.

[Frankee]

I had a girl's night out tonight.  Had a few drinks, talked about our past stories.  It was really fun.  I ended up crying at the end of the night after I picked up my baby.  He was passed out.  My two girlfriends that were with me have me a lot of support.  One of the girls knew where it was because her and her fiancee are paramedics. 

I am tired but feeling better.  It is a blessing to know I have people out there that truly care about me.  They all tell me that they know it is hard but I did the right thing for myself and the boys.  It means a lot to me.  I sit alone in my room with my baby asleep and I cry.  For so many reasons.  It took me awhile to even post this.  All my emotions came out.  I have no one to wipe my tears away, hold me close, tell me that everything is going to be okay.  I have myself and my resilience.

I know I can make it.  Even with the tears I shed and the pain I feel I still pulled myself together and did what I needed to. I have a hard road in front of me, but it will be full of hope and promise.

My bph once said that he wanted me to "get over it".  Even reading posts from years ago, still play a fresh scene in my mind.  He may had been abused or whatever, but his abuser wasn't laying next to him, telling him they loved him.  Talking down to him constantly.  I know I am strong, but I feel so broken.

[Cat Familiar]

You've just made a very big change and it will take a while getting accustomed to that. It's good that you have friends who understand and who can be supportive of you.

When I left my abusive husband, I did a little ceremony for myself. I "married" myself and I promised myself that I would love and protect me. Then later I went to the thrift store and bought items that I needed for my new life as "wedding gifts."

Though I married another pwBPD, I've never let myself down on that promise to love and protect myself. And this relationship, though it was difficult before I knew about BPD, has been light years better than my first marriage, and continues to improve.

One big difference is that I haven't let anyone treat me disrespectfully since I made that promise. And the more I know, the higher the standard gets. I was so accustomed to verbal abuse, belittling, unkind words--that I hardly noticed them. Now I do and I call it out and it almost never happens.

[GaGrl]

Frankee, the crying can really be good. You have been holding yourself together very tightly, and you finally have the freedom to release the tension.

[Frankee]

You've just made a very big change and it will take a while getting accustomed to that. It's good that you have friends who understand and who can be supportive of you.

One big difference is that I haven't let anyone treat me disrespectfully since I made that promise. And the more I know, the higher the standard gets. I was so accustomed to verbal abuse, belittling, unkind words--that I hardly noticed them. Now I do and I call it out and it almost never happens.

It makes a huge difference.  I don't ask for much.  It is nice to have the moral support.  Just being able to know there is the help there if I really need it.  I also found out that the one I didn't see much was because my bph I guess came off kind of strong and it was very off setting.

I agree with that.  Calling it out.  I honestly think if there is even a small hint of a man behaving like my bph did, then I will definitely shut it down real quick and high tail it away.  None of this understanding behaviors because of past whatever reason.  I spent to many years trying to "fix" someone.  I spent to many valuable resources and precious time trying to help them.  Now it is my turn.

Frankee, the crying can really be good. You have been holding yourself together very tightly, and you finally have the freedom to release the tension.

I haven't gone out since the Mardi Gras incident.  When I went back to the shelter, I put my baby in bed and sat at the edge and just cried.  It took all my energy to force myself to take a really hot shower and go to sleep.  I woke up early this morning and had to get back to business.

My bph has a disposable number I got through an app so I can trash it if things gets out of hand.  I had to converse with what bills he is responsible for.  Last 4 days he has sent I love you messages.  I realized that the only reason I felt a need to respond was to avoid him eventually getting upset because I wasn't responding.  I registered that feeling and really see that I did a lot that I really didn't want to, just to avoid upsetting him and avoid a fight... that's not love.  Even now, being gone, there are times where I actually feel anxiety that things could go south real quick if he decides he is getting impatient.

[I Am Redeemed]

You will probably keep feeling that familiar anxiety to appease him quickly for some time. Your brain has been programmed to respond that way. It took over a year for me to stop feeling I had to do something to prevent a blowup.

Trauma focused therapy really helped me with that. Whether you have c-ptsd or not, you will still feel the effects of the trauma, and a therapist trained in trauma resolution can help you navigate through that. Have you been able to talk to the T you were previously seeing? The extra support really makes a difference.

[Frankee]

You will probably keep feeling that familiar anxiety to appease him quickly for some time. Your brain has been programmed to respond that way. It took over a year for me to stop feeling I had to do something to prevent a blowup.

Have you been able to talk to the T you were previously seeing? The extra support really makes a difference.

That is pretty much it.  I have been programmed to appease him when he snapped his fingers and I am working hard to break that cycle. I shouldn't be afraid of what will happen if I don't respond.

I touched base last week with my counselor and told her about what happened with the very last incident and leaving him.  I am going to call her this week to check in with her and let her know that I am okay and I am safe.  I would like to meet with her, but she said she could even talk over the phone.

As well as I am doing, there are times where I just want to go to bed and sleep for a whole week.  I remember when I left a year and a half ago and I was by myself in the shelter.  The first night I was there, I slept 12 hours straight.  I remember it like it just happened.  The amount of distress my body was under building up to leaving.  Then being somewhere safe at that time, I just crashed.. hard.

Now, I feel like I just changed my whole entire life in one sweep and still trying to carry on with daily responsibilities.  I know I have a lot of healing, but I feel I need to focus on getting myself set up first.

[Harri]

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