Adult daughter

[Momofbpdd]

Hello. First timer here. I hope to find support among others . My adult daughter shows all/most  of the signs of BPD. It has been a huge rolercoasrer ride with her starting in middle school. We need help. Would like to connect with other parents as well.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

hi MomofBPDd, and

youve come to the right place! i hope youll make yourself at home here as part of the family, experts will tell you that a strong support system is critical.

so whats going on between you and your daughter right now?

[Momofbpdd]

Hi. Thanks for reply. My husband and I are always going over basic house rules forbher to live here.  She is not in school but works full time. She constantly disrespects the household. All we ask of her is help around the house with specific chores, keep her room and bathroom clean, (this is her rent) she fails at this. When there is conflict or confrontation she bursts into a rage, yells, bullies me and my husband with her words. Then, leaves to spend the night at her friends house. We still have younger children at home and it’s not fair to them when she has her outburst. When things are mellow, we talk to her about life and we coach her with help to be a successful adult living outside our home. We encourage her independence but I think she is incapable to live outside of  Home unless she gets the right help.

[once removed]

its hard. people with BPD traits can struggle with not only life functioning, but especially in terms of independence, and having their stuff together, so to speak.

you mention that things got rocky starting in middle school. how did it start?

[Huat]

Hi MomofBPDd

I join Once Removed in welcoming you here. 

As you write, your daughter's outbursts are not fair to your younger children.  They not only suffer from being exposed to the drama, but also from the fact that she grabs so much more of your attention.

Living with someone who exhibits BPD behaviours is exhausting.   "Roller coaster ride" are well-used words by so many here.  What better way to describe the emotions...scenarios that can change/explode in a nano-second.

To echo Once Removed's question...what is going on between you and your daughter right now?  Has she ever been to counselling?  Have you and your husband ever been to counselling?  While our daughter has been to many, many counsellors over the years, she has never been officially diagnosed (as far as we know, anyway) as having BPD but, I like you, recognize the signs in her erratic behaviours. 

As well as this being a supportive community, it is also a place where you can learn.  While it is by trial and error, it is also about moving forward to making changes.  Your daughter either can't or won't change...maybe a bit of both.  That has to start with...you.  None of this is easy but so necessary, especially since there are other siblings behind her who are watching and assessing. 

None of us want to be here...but we are...and the support that comes our way can be so comforting...knowing that is coming from people who walk in similar shoes.  When someone here writes..."I know"...they really, really do!

Here is to better tomorrows for you...and they can be better.

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hello MomofBPDd  

I also join Once Removed and Huat in welcoming you and glad you've reached out for support.

Is it recently you've come to learn your daughter shows traits of BPD? How old is your daughter (DD)?

When things are mellow, we talk to her about life and we coach her with help to be a successful adult living outside our home. We encourage her independence but I think she is incapable to live outside of  Home unless she gets the right help.

You are right, building trust is key and as Huat says your daughter 'either can't or won't change...maybe a bit of both.  That has to start with...you.' Home rules? As an adult working full time my DD paid rent on a sliding scale. The household budget on the kitchen wall, helped her feel accountable and proud.

I'm sure there is much on your mind and look forward to talking more with parents here.

Welcome again.

WDx

[Momofbpdd]

Thank you for welcoming me here.

As far as signs in middle school... she began getting in trouble with teachers as far as showing little respect for very nice and well respected teachers. It was embarrassing  because of course you can feel like it’s a reflection of you since you raised your child and that is not how you raised your child. We always taught and showed our kids to respect adults/people/teachers etc. And she had WAY TOO MUCH comfort in being rude, interrupting, disruptive, looking for attention, and being confident in this inappropriate behavior.

Similar to what Huat said, we have not been given an official diagnosis. She has received A LOT of counseling/therapy. “Oppositional defiant disorder”  has been mentioned/diagnosed with her.  Also, “ADHD WITH impulsivity” was another diagnosis. I personally don’t like “labels” because of stigma and there is a wide spectrum of disorders and I know people don’t always continue their “diagnosis” their entire life if treated right.

She is 22.
Thanks for your attention. Does this go to the huge group? Or just to those who messaged me back? How many people in this group?
Thanks

[Huat]

Hi again MomofBPDd

What we are posting on now is a thread that can be read by anyone coming to this site.  To respond, though, one has to be a member to log on and then respond.

Once logged on you can add/respond in any thread...add to the one you started or jump on to any other.

Private messages to individuals (similar to emailing) can be done by clicking on “Pvt Mail” in ribbon above.

Like anything, working one’s way through this website is a learning curve.  All the time, though, be confident in knowing this is a safe site.  Always be free to ask questions. 

Huat

[wendydarling]

Hi MomofBPDd

Along with Huat I assure you are safe here with parents, with bpdfamily

Also, “ADHD WITH impulsivity” was another diagnosis. I personally don’t like “labels” because of stigma and there is a wide spectrum of disorders and I know people don’t always continue their “diagnosis” their entire life if treated right.

I don't like labels either for same reasons and yes people can manage their, recover from mental illness.

Does your DD recognise her struggles, talk to you openly, does she accept her diagnosis?

WDx