BPD girfriend parent dying

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Hi-
Please help. I’m shaking right now. My g/f is non-diagnosed but but definitely has BPD traits.

She just found her mom has an aggressive form of cancer after having survived breast cancer 10 years ago. Her mom lives in another country.

My g/f wanted to be alone tonight for her bday. We’ve been together for a couple of years so today I made her breakfast with her girls (which is what she wanted) and we did a fun little party. Tonight the kids  are with a friend baking her a cake. So after the kids left, I left. Then a fewhours ago she started attacking me on the phone - not feeling support etc..  (honestly this comes up every fww months always around stressful time).  I am beyond burnt out dealing with my job, seeing her during the week and weekends (driving anhour each way each time). My dad died 2 years ago and i am still managing his estate in another state. My mom died in about 15 years ago. M 

i am writing because I don’t know how (and if) I can continue to listen to her attacks. In my therapy, I am supposed to stay away from any toxic/abusive relationships.  I did everything I could not to JADE tonight but itgot to the point where her attacks were cruel and i’m sorry they are not based in reality. I know we are supposed to validate her feelings which I swear i did. But then she accuses me of sounding like a therapist and judging her. I readfirmed multiple times that i’m here. I’m sorry she feels not supported . When i asked what she needed, she said “I’ll know when I get it.”  I had started drinking tonight (to numb the pain) so I couldn’t drive there. She compared me to her ex-who is a lame parent (she’s mad at him b/c he didnt come to see the kids last week amd this week). My g/f had decided during the week that she was going to take the girls out if school and move cto be with her mom for half the year(i would be going with them inAugust, but return).

I know she is hurting b/c she is just accepting the severity of her mom’s illness. I did everything to affirm those feelings-there is truly nothing more painful -and this is her greatest nightmare.

I feel so alone...again. She hurt me again andagain to ight with what she said.  A few months ago we went to therapy for one session and since then she hasn’t cursed me out. But she movks the session amd even tonight said “i’m not cursing uou—is this abusive? What are you going to go and tell your therapist I was abusive’?”  Of course i hadnt said anything like ghat. I did tell her finaly she had hurt me. Especially becuase she wouldn’t stop and kept saying “i’m sorry if this hurts you but I have to be able to say what I feel.” And i finally had to say “well i know you don’t want to hurt me, but you did”. The problem was that i literally cannot give anymore. My own health is failing. i have no help. And now she’s talking about not knowing if this can work. (All because of not feeling support). I am there every weekend-i clean up when her daughter threw up multiple times. I do alot and i never say anything to ask for thanks. It always becomes though that i male it about me and i’m literallynot sayinganythinv until the mlment that the insults are awful.

I have a rightto take care of my own health-she sure as heck hasnt helped me many many many times and i dont say anything. The point is that i cannot take her pain away. So i fear the battle is already over and i’ve lost. I told her that she was pushing me away and that i’m still here. I told her she insulted me (comparing me to her ex) and i’mstill here. 

But i cant continue to stay on the phone.

What words do I use when she targets me? Attacks me?

It is so hurtful and i cant take it.

Please help me. I’m so sad to share that the situationwith hermom is just beginning.  I am going tobeapart from them for 5 months beginnjng in sept when they go.

What do i do? I am trying so hard to finish my own work so i canhelp her more but i literally have a close friend whose mom just passed inanother state. She’s like a sister to me.  So i really wanto be at the funeral.

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[Radcliff]

Ouch.  I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.  Your gf is under a tremendous amount of stress and so are you.  When my BPDw had breast cancer, we were both terrified, and no matter how much I was doing, she never felt like I was supporting her enough.  I can totally relate to asking a BPD partner what she needs to feel supported and then getting a non-answer.  It's hard to describe how excruciating that place is to be, but you did a pretty good job.

You absolutely need to take care of yourself.  You are no good to her or to you if you burn out.  Given the stressful situation, it's worth putting some thought into how to go about this.  Check out this page on setting boundaries.  I'm thinking the first target for boundaries may be the phone conversations.  Can you tell us a little bit more about them?  What does she say that you find so painful?  How long are the conversations?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thank you @Radcliff  Your insight is always helpful and healing.

Ouch.  I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot.  Your gf is under a tremendous amount of stress and so are you.  When my BPDw had breast cancer, we were both terrified, and no matter how much I was doing, she never felt like I was supporting her enough. 

Thank you for understanding.  I”m sorry to hear about your wife’s breast cancer.  I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.  What were some of the things you specifically would say when she said you weren’t supporting her though you were doing everything you could?

You absolutely need to take care of yourself. You are no good to her or to you if you burn out.  Given the stressful situation, it’s worth putting some thought into how to go about this...I’m thinking the first target for boundaries may be the phone conversations. Can you tell us a little bit more about them? What does she say that you find so painful? How long are the conversations?

Thanks - I checked out that link a few times.  Unfortunately, I am having trouble understanding from the way it is written, what are specific examples of things I can say?  That’s the best way for me to learn is to understand examples.   Some of it was helpful though.

What she says that is so painful is:

• we had just celebrated her bday - and I know that she was sad, but that’s what she wanted - she wanted the girls to make her breakfast. I did what she had wanted. I acknowledged her sadness when she asked me earlier in the day if it looked like she was happy.  I had told her that yes, it did to them, but I could tell she felt sad.  She was glad the girls wouldn’t have been able to notice.  So, then anything that is intended to hurt me that follows me spending time doing things she has asked ...is what is hurtful.  I feel so weak emotionally with my own life, and then she attacks me.
• she says things like I’m like her Ex (which in the past when she did this, she later acknowledged she was wrong.  The ex is a complete deadbeat- no child support, doesn’t follow through on spending time with the kids - to the point where the daughter would sit on her luggage waiting for him for hours and then he still didn’t show up; but then she says “but he loves them”.  Somehow that’s supposed to be okay.  My g/f had a bad relationship with her father - he was abusive and drew blood/emotional abuse etc.  So, my g/f believes that is important 1st -that the girls have a loving dad in their life and 2nd - that the girls can see him for what he is (in other words, see when he drops the ball. She doesn’t want to be accused later of keeping them from him.  I’m nothing like him. She was triggered by him too last night b/c he dropped the ball and said he had an “emergency” (again) and wouldn’t be able to see them today.  He texted that he wishes her a happy b-day , that he loves his girls, and loves her (my g/f).  My g/f didn’t like that and told him to “shut up”.  Then she screenshot that part of the text and sent it to me.  so I called her - and listened. Then she said I was like him.  She didn’t like how I confronted her when she said what is in listed in the next bullet.
• in the prior conversation about 30 mins earlier, she had said she was still mad at me for when I went and played poker at a hotel when she had to fly to see her mom in another country and I couldn’t take care of the girls - this was about 8 months ago. I had just returned from another state - and had been in court (by myself - as always) for a court case in which a social service had been indicted for stealing from my father. That case happened to fall on the day of my bday.  A few weeks earlier I had also spent about 2 weeks in NJ cleaning out my dad’s estate (without help from 1 brother; my g/f helped from her own house with phone calls to help arrange some things), but I was also managing my own job and my brother that did get help was very sick - he has MS, and unfortunately he had pushed himself so much in the heat - there was no running water in my dad’s house, no A/C, and temperatures were almost 100 degrees, so my brother had also started attacking me for not using the right words. He has to have words in a certain order when his MS flares up or else he can’t understand. So then he started attacking me.  I listened.  I was also paying so much of my own money for other people’s mess, and for me - poker is a place of meditation (i play limit poker - and like to listen to music at the table, talk to people at a place where no one expects anything from me so my therapist thinks that is healthy for me ).  So I had been planning to spend a few days in a local hotel to treat myself - to some time.  By the time she asked, I simply had nothing more to give. I remember the time vividly now.  She even came to the hotel one night before she left.  She was happy and supportive of what I was doing, but as usual- here we are 8 months later, and now I’m hearing “I never did forgive you for doing that”.  This is the 1st time I’m hearing about this. She did have care for her girls from a friend who had a lot of time to do that and lives locally.   I am so tired of not having any help in my own life, and not receiving support.  It’s hurtful to hear that. She knows that all her comments about her girls make me hurt.  The truth too is that now I haven’t been playing poker b/c I have so much on my plate and that includes spending my time with her.  She made me upset with this comment b/c recently when she left to go to the other country to see her mom for her mom’s surgery to remove the tumor about 3 weeks ago, I did offer to stay with the girls, and I didn’t play poker while she was gone. She had said no - that the same woman who used to be the nanny - would take care of them. That was the same person 8 months ago who did. 
• she says I make things about me. This hurts b/c I have never felt so alone in a relationship than I do sometimes with her.  She doesn’t help support me the way I have asked and I don’t bring it up with her. She sometimes attacks me so I tell her that “you are a great g/f” and then she wants apologies when I don’t.  For example, I made it about me this time when I confronted her about the comment with Emilio and told her that she was insulting me.  That although she says, she doesn’t want to hurt me, she did.  And I did tell her at some point in the conversation that yes - she did hurt me- and that yes, I think she wanted to.  Which is what she does. There are other comments like that - they are attacks on me at my core.  I don’t ask for anything really from anyone. My therapist actually helped me to see that at this point, I don’t even know what is actually basic to be able to receive in a relationship.  That’s how bad it is. So to hear that I make things about me when I simply am trying to speak up (as I’m supposed to be doing according to therapy) when someone hurts me as a way of setting boundaries for what is/and is not acceptable.
  

So now, the other thing that really wears on me is that this week I had made time to take care of my own life stuff (not even fun stuff, just the significant work that others have manipulated me into doing), and I was happy about having the time. Plus, to be able to clear out my own place of bad memories from multiple years.  Now, I feel sad, defeated, empty, like she ruined this time again for me to get caught up.  I have so much to do - grading, etc.   And when she treats me like this, I can’t think, I’m tired. I don’t sleep well.  I want to just numb myself any way I can.

And of course this morning I get a text “ Good morning, had a rough night. Feeling better now.  Still a little sensitive. Hope you are okay. Have a good day.”  Well of course, she is better today because she took her frustrations out on me. She knows , because I established this boundary many times, that late in the evening the kinds of things she says that hurts - will lead to me not sleeping.  I can’t stand being her target.  And I’m sorry I know we are supposed to validate etc.. But I just can’t.  she sounds all high and mighty by me validating things. She still calls me a liar for the joint therapy session we had in which I thought we got someplace with her hearing about the agressive abuse - “f -you, etc..”  which of course, she doesn’t admit ever (though I have the recording). And now, I feel like she is emotionally abusive by putting all this over me.  So why I am upset because I literally did nothing yesterday but what she wanted and things were going well. And now, she is saying “relationships shouldn’t be so hard.” She’s mad at me b/c I want to get a little dog - a bichon frisée (reminds me of my mom who I miss tremendously and the kind of dog that brought her healing when she had cancer). So then she attacks me - “who is going to take care of the dog if you want to go some place” - “waht if you want to visit me and you can’t because you have a dog”. I calmly explained that I was pretty lucky that God brought so many people in my life who take care of dogs when others away (including literally a colleague who is a pet sitter).   I feel sometimes like I could have a heart attack.  I had surgery last year to remove a 15 cm non-cancerous tumor that had taken over an organ. I lost both the organ and the tumor.  I have follow-up doctor appointments that I am behind on and tests I still have to take.  Of course, she doesn’t care about any of those.  I don’t bring them up anymore. She doesn’t ask.

Honestly, I am sad b/c exactly how she acted last night when nothing was wrong is the problem. She is going to sabotage this relationship. She knows that I cannot be in a relationship with a toxic abusive person. So that is exactly what she is going to do is to make this relationship impossible so that way she can go to the other country and not feel the sadness she feels about leaving me. She actually says “I cannot take care of you” - mind you, I have been saying “i need nothing from you other than for you not to take your sadness/anger out on me as your target”.  “I have taken care of my life and many things in my life by myself for many many years, including long before I met you, so please stop underestimating me. I need nothing from you.”

The conversations usually go anywhere from 5 mins to 30 mins, with someone leaving. for example, “she says she has to go sleep b/c she’s tired’. And then I’ll get the screenshot from the ex that she says.  And then we have a 5 min- 30 min conversation. And then the cycle repeats until at some point, I establish i’m Going to sleep OR I try to distract and say I’m not feeling well, so i need to lay down (which then she also accuses me of making this about me).

Right now, I don’t want to text her back and I don’t want to talk to her.  I cannot provide support to her today.  so how do I say something like that in a health way that establishes boundaries.  I really have my own life to take care of. I’ve been putting her life ahead of mine for many many months.  And plus, I really want to go to my friend’s mom’s funeral in NC (that’s an 8.5 hour drive +) so I’m already worried about giving up 2-3 days for that. But that woman is like a sister to me. 

That’s some of it.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for all that detail.  It's a huge load to be dealing with, and it's not uncommon for new members to land here struggling with loads like that.  The problem is that you're working like a madman all the time, and it doesn't seem to be helping.  You're also vulnerable all the time.  To improve things, you'll need to learn ways to protect yourself while also learning new ways to support her.

She is playing by a different set of rules - emotions equal facts for pwBPD.  All of these things she is saying to hurt you come from a place of pain for her, and are really ways of her saying that her needs aren't being met.  When the nasty words come flying, try to shift your thinking.  Don't let them hit your heart.  Dodge them and let them fly on by (I used to call it a "garbage filter," but I think that encourages disengagement, and we need to stay engaged).  Try to think about what emotions she is having that are driving her painful words.  This is where validation comes in.  You said you couldn't bring yourself to validate.  The trick here is partial validation.  Only validate the valid.  Her feelings are real to her, and are always valid -- nobody can be told what they are feeling isn't real.  Acknowledge her feelings.  Don't be defensive, or allow her words to hurt you -- lean into understanding and acknowledging her feelings.  This won't fix things overnight, but it's an important tool you need to master to balance the protective things you need to do.

You need boundaries.  Two areas that jump out from your posts are being able to sleep and going to your friend's mother's funeral.  The first is vital, and the second is very important to you.

Pick a time when you need to be asleep by on a worknight.  Then figure out when you need to be off the phone with her in order to get to sleep.  That's when you need to be off the phone every worknight.  You don't need her permission to implement the boundary (this was an "aha" realization for me).  But things will go smoother if you're proactive.  Try to think about how you can help her feel your support well in advance of bedtime, so she doesn't feel the need to call you later.  If she calls close to bedtime, give her a heads up that you need to go to bed soon.  No need to dodge it and say you don't feel well.  Try the S.E.T. (Support, Empathy, Truth) tool if she resists ending the call.  Be compassionate and caring, but firm.  You need sleep to work.
 You are standing on bedrock, this is not an unreasonable need you have.  Then you need to get off the phone.   It's very important for you to be consistent night after night.  This is not easy, but it works.  Take another look at the boundaries link.  What do you think?  Can you do this?

Go to the funeral.  Do whatever you reasonably can do to make sure she has support and backup while you're away, but while you're anywhere near the funeral, wake, etc., turn off your phone and be fully present with your friend and the others there.  Don't try to manage your girlfriend's needs at the same time.

Let us know what you think.

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

Thanks Radcliff.

I’m trying to validate.  Even tonight I said “Your feelings are valid.”  But I can’t validate her comparing me with her ex. She knows that’s not true.  Finally tonight she acknowledged that some things I do trigger her from whatever the ex did.  But the problem is - her Ex is as big of an a**hole as anyone can be.  he leaves his daughter waiting for her on luggage.  There has to be limits to what “words” are acceptable and what aren’t.  She says that’s “feelings’?  I have been in therapy for almost 20 years dealing with abusive people in my life.  My g/f now keeps saying “that’s not abuse! “ The reason why this is alarming isn’t I didn’t call her behavior abusive for at least a year now.  The time I called her on her “emotionally abusive” behavior, she reacted - and even in therapy my therapist helped her to see that certain behavior is not acceptable/words in a way she could hear - (she didn’t use the “abuse” word with my g/f, but did make sure I understood what “abusive behavior” is - and my therapist was clear that her attacks are “abusive” sometimes).  Now the issue is that whenever I confront her how I feel when she says certain things, she says “well, you gotta get used to it. You have to accept it.” But it’s not acceptable by any human standards.   I told her when she finally acknowledged that the comparison was this - her ex dropped the ball and now she is afraid I am going to drop the ball.  Mind you, I wasn’t dropping the ball and haven’t dropped the ball like he did - many times.  I’m not perfect, but not being there 1 time out of 200 (and having a valid reason) is forgivable.  I feel she tests me. I can feel it happening. I’ve been down this road with her. I cannot pass her tests.  More importantly, I don’t feel heard.

When she shared her feeling that she’s afraid I’m going to drop the ball - I said- “okay - then share that feeling. That’s not the feeling you shared. Thank you for telling me that you are afraid of me dropping the ball. I am not going to drop the ball right now. “.  Yet, she had turned the conversation back to her.  And the conversation was me sharing how I was hurt by what she said.  She said “not everything i said was true, but I believe a lot of it.”   Then I said, “ then it would be nice to hear you say that you didn’t mean the things you now know you didn’t mean.” But of course, she can’t do that.. she says, “ you have to accept this about me. You have to accept this about me.”   And I finally said, “I cannot accept you saying things that are intended to hurt me.” And she said, “and what? What are you going to about it? (And her tone increased)” When she later asked “what do you need from me?” I said, “ I need you to be aware of this- and you have to work on this. You have to”. She said “okay”, but I think she just wanted to get off the phone and go to sleep.  I was calling to ask her something about my friend’s funeral.

I find myself not feeling well now.  There is no way I can physically make a 10 hour drive one day and return another day with a 10 hour drive.  The only people who are going to the funeral (who I haven’t met) are taking 3 days - Thurs-Saturday, which I can’t give that amount of time. I looked at planes, trains, bus- everything. And everything is going to cost $700. 

This is the 1st time I am trying to take time for myself - the plan was to finally get caught up on everything. When my g/f said, “it’ll never be over. You say that all the time.” The truth is I do- but the other truth is that it is b/c my g/f takes the time I have, and then I get more behind. She is constantly testing me, so then I put my needs behind everyone else’.   So now, I wish I could go to my friend’s mom’s funeral, but health wise- I can’t do it. And that makes me really sad.  My g/f said “now, you’re blaming me for wearing you down”.  I didn’t blame her. It’s true she did, but I didn’t say that. All I said is that I have been feeling worn down with “our stuff” and haven’t been asleep before 4am each night.   So then she attacked me.  But that is my truth.  I can’t do this if i can’t share my truth (and no - i wasn’t going to blame her). There are consequences to her attacks, and she needs to know them. They affect me. 

The reason why I can’t sleep is because emotionally - she hurts me.  So then physically I can’t sleep. It’s not that she wants to talk into the night. It’s that she says such mean things- that hurt- and bring up so many past hurts from her.  I feel empty and lost and depressed, so that’s why I can’t sleep. 

Thank you for the S.E.T. Idea. I tried it yesterday and it worked.  Tonight I was trying to share about my needs and struggles that I am going through in trying to figure out what to do about my friend’s funeral.  My g/f even said she would drive me there. I said no (but didn’t tell her that it would be too much for her, she would be tired, and then she would take it out on me, which is true), but thanked her. But tonight I felt my g/f silenced me. She doesn’t listen to my needs and my feelings.   She always uses JADE on me.  So- how do we manage a relationship with someone who  doesn’t seem to want to listen to my needs, especially my emotional ones.  I told her that if she keeps comparing me to her ex, I don’t trust her.  I don’t feel safe with her emotionally. It is an insult- that’s a fact, truly. She hates him and everything he stands for. She wishes he would take himself off the kids’ birth certificate.  So, no - it is not acceptable to be compared to him when I give up so much in my life to be there for them. I fulfill my responsibilities- I chaperone events. I make meals. I watch the kids. I clean up after them when they have accidents. It is an insult.

I guess i am just sad- i feel like my g/f and her attacks have affected me time and time so much over the years that I see how much time i lose with those I care about. I would go to my friend’s funeral, but physically I just can’t make it.

[Radcliff]

Congratulations with the progress with SET!  It's great to see that you had a "win" with the tools.  You sound pretty tired and worn down.  The idea with the tools is to reduce conflict and protect ourselves so that we're not always exhausted.  It reminds me of a kayaking class I took this weekend.  The instructor went through the rapids, and he barely used his paddle or any energy.  He looked totally relaxed.  Then I went through, and I was digging my paddle in hard, growling, feeling like I was fighting for my life and about to tip over any instant!  I knew I was using way too much energy and am anxious to learn the tools to kayak more efficiently.

One of the most difficult things for members to do is to let go of expectations for their partner's behavior.  The things you wish she would do are totally normal to want, and reasonable to expect of a neurotypical person.  Unfortunately, that's not the situation you have.  You've seen how every time you show her your expectation, she reacts negatively, and it's painful for you.  Making a conscious decision to let go of expectations puts you back in control.  That may help with some of the feelings of hurt and helplessness that are keeping you up at night.  This isn't a total solution to your problems, but I think it could help.  Does this seem potentially helpful?

RC

[Lifeinthefastlane]

  @Radcliff-you have been so helpful so much since I started on these boards. Can you help me with a situation I posted on another board? I can’t figure out how to share the link? I’m sorry I can’t find the instructions about how to use the editing tools.

I value your opinion so much and I haven’t received really alot from the other board members.

Thank you so much -Lifeinthefastlane