Going No Contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi Friends! I am the oldest child of a BPD mother. She has never been diagnosed but about 2 years ago I went to a counselor for myself to learn how to relate to her. The counselor recommended I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. The language and descriptions of very dark events and thoughts in that book were literalevents that happened in my childhood.And now I will forever swear that she has BPD.

I've always struggled with the idea of at what point do I stop the madness and cut her off? I spent this past week with my mom planning my wedding. The entire week was spent with her constantly putting me down, invalidating everything I wanted for my wedding, calling me names, and waking me up in the middle of the night. She is making all kinds of crazy demands for the wedding but cant afford to pay for most of it- she hasn't held a job for more than a few months at a time in over 5 years. At one point she threw all of my stuff out of my room and shut my hand in the rolling trash bin. Throughout the week I came to accept that there will not be peace at my wedding. And I had to basically either give up everything I want for my wedding (except the groom and bridesmaid dresses, ) and just let her steamroll me or I have to take away her power and cut her off. Throughout the week she was a constant and relentless trigger for anxiety. Then finally on my last night there she walked into my room 2 hrs after I went to bed and triggered an anxiety attack that lasted for three hours.

I am seriously struggling with the morality of going NC. I know that she has little to no control of the fear of abandonment raging inside of her. And if I do this I will be shunned by people in my family who are dear to me. I was wondering if any of you went NC and what that process was like for you?

[Lw705123]

Hi Friends! I am the oldest child of a BPD mother. She has never been diagnosed but about 2 years ago I went to a counselor for myself to learn how to relate to her. The counselor recommended I read Stop Walking on Eggshells. The language and descriptions of very dark events and thoughts in that book were literalevents that happened in my childhood.And now I will forever swear that she has BPD.

I've always struggled with the idea of at what point do I stop the madness and cut her off? I spent this past week with my mom planning my wedding. The entire week was spent with her constantly putting me down, invalidating everything I wanted for my wedding, calling me names, and waking me up in the middle of the night. She is making all kinds of crazy demands for the wedding but cant afford to pay for most of it- she hasn't held a job for more than a few months at a time in over 5 years. At one point she threw all of my stuff out of my room and shut my hand in the rolling trash bin. Throughout the week I came to accept that there will not be peace at my wedding. And I had to basically either give up everything I want for my wedding (except the groom and bridesmaid dresses, ) and just let her steamroll me or I have to take away her power and cut her off. Throughout the week she was a constant and relentless trigger for anxiety. Then finally on my last night there she walked into my room 2 hrs after I went to bed and triggered an anxiety attack that lasted for three hours.

I am seriously struggling with the morality of going NC. I know that she has little to no control of the fear of abandonment raging inside of her. And if I do this I will be shunned by people in my family who are dear to me. I was wondering if any of you went NC and what that process was like for you?

[Kwamina]

Hi Lw705123

I am sorry you are having to deal with your mother's difficult behavior. Getting married would ideally be a joyous event, unfortunately the way your mother is treating you is taking part of that joy away now.

When your mother behaves this way, have you ever confronted her with the inappropriateness of how she acts? How does your mother respond when you challenge her on her behavior?

I gather from your post that you are currently still living with your mother, is that correct? However you decide to move forward with your relationship with your mother, I do want to say that this is your wedding and not hers and it is important that you feel comfortable with the way things are arranged.

If your mother has BPD, her fear of abandonment very likely is at the heart of many of her current behaviors. The thought of you getting married could be a massive trigger for her only reinforcing her fear of abandonment even more.

How is your fiancée dealing with all of this? Is your fiancée aware of how your mother treats you?

Take care and welcome to our online community

The Board Parrot

[Turkish]

 Are any of your family members aware of how difficult she is? If so,  do they enable it? 

It sounds like she can be violent.  Do you fear drama at your wedding? 

[HappyChappy]

BPD moms want to be centre stage at all times and hence your wedding is probably making your BPD jealous. My BPD did her best to wreck my wedding and my sister never invited her – years of “I’ll never forgive... being repeated.”
 
In terms of going NC (No Contact), I did that because I was very , very ill and would not have gotten better without NC. My therapy for CPTSD required me not to be agitated, where as a BPD requires you to be agitated.  If I’d been well enough to plan it, I’d have faded to grey on the NC. No sudden moves, just back to the door and slowing pull away. My mental health gave me no choice, its good you're acting before that point. NC was right for me.

I note my BPD, discards family members like fast-food wrappers, so now we’re back to low contact, my BPD is uber aggressive currently, because she doesn’t have her all powerful control she use to. She’s telling everyone that I’m “Not quiet right. Something is missing.” or in other words, I don’t trigger and put up with her nonsense any more.

Only you can tell if it’s right. But rest assured NC, LC or contact are all valid options. Which one are you going to go for ?

[GaGrl]

It sounds as if your immediate challenge is your wedding wants and needs. This is your day, not your BPD mother's.

There are some members on this forum who have worked through this with varying levels of contact. Some have assigned a relative to keep the mother of the bride occupied that day and head off had behavior. Some have actually hired plains clothes security officers in case things got so bad that removal was necessary.

What level of interference and upset do you anticipate leading up to and including the wedding day?

[Joha242]

I'm close to going NC as well, because the various phases/levels of NC seem to make cycles in my uBPDm.  I understand your questioning the morality of it -- who does such a thing to their mother? -- but as unfortunate as it is, the cycles are heart-breaking, gut-wrenching, and create a physical level of unwellness in me that takes days to recuperate from. (BTW, I have told my uBPDm just today that she needs to leave me alone "for awhile.")

My mother ruined my wedding day, which was an otherwise beautiful day... and you know, I'll never forgive her for that. It's a sadness that I will always carry.  If I may a suggestion? Find someone close to you and her, who understands how disruptive she can be, and ask that person to a) monitor her closely, and b) run "interference" with your mom and you.  I would bet that the less contact you have with her, the better your day will be, as sad as it sounds.  I wish I could do that for you! I would be very good at it. Let us know how it goes.