Do they always move on so quickly?

[Depression = 72% of members]

A few days ago I bumped into my exBPD. I saw her and I was hoping she’s wouldn’t see me but she did. I saluted her and then she called me over. We spoke very briefly, probably for about 2 minutes. After she left I immediately text my best friend to tell him about it and he was just basically trying to lift me up by saying things like “It’s all good bro, you’ve moved on for ya he better.” But I wasn’t really bothered by bumping into her. But he did tell me that she’s following one of my other friends on Instagram and it turns out that she’s with someone new. I didn’t really believe him at first so I unblocked her on Facebook just to check out of curiosity. Turns out it’s true.
And it turns out they've been together since January 31st, exactly one month after she left me. We were together for 5 years and this guy has literally been in prison before.
But I’ve also kinda been seeing someone myself but it’s not official because I personally know I’m not ready for anything serious right now. I still think it’s way too early even 3 months later.
The weird thing is, before I changed my number she used to still call me, even after they got together and she never told me about it. Even in mid February she thought I was with someone new and she called me and got really angry at me. Why would she do this when she has someone new?
Has anyone else experienced this kinda thing? Them moving on so quickly?

[Dazzlers]

A few days ago I bumped into my exBPD. I saw her and I was hoping she’s wouldn’t see me but she did. I saluted her and then she called me over. We spoke very briefly, probably for about 2 minutes. After she left I immediately text my best friend to tell him about it and he was just basically trying to lift me up by saying things like “It’s all good bro, you’ve moved on for ya he better.” But I wasn’t really bothered by bumping into her. But he did tell me that she’s following one of my other friends on Instagram and it turns out that she’s with someone new. I didn’t really believe him at first so I unblocked her on Facebook just to check out of curiosity. Turns out it’s true.
And it turns out they've been together since January 31st, exactly one month after she left me. We were together for 5 years and this guy has literally been in prison before.
But I’ve also kinda been seeing someone myself but it’s not official because I personally know I’m not ready for anything serious right now. I still think it’s way too early even 3 months later.
The weird thing is, before I changed my number she used to still call me, even after they got together and she never told me about it. Even in mid February she thought I was with someone new and she called me and got really angry at me. Why would she do this when she has someone new?
Has anyone else experienced this kinda thing? Them moving on so quickly?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dazzlers, In general, fear of abandonment drives much of BPD behavior.  Yet if you get too close, a pwBPD will drive you away, which is why a BPD r/s is such a roller coaster.  I suggest you be grateful that you parted ways and get on with your life.  Sure, it's painful, but the pain leads to greater happiness, in my view.

LuckyJim

[JNChell]

Hi, Dazzlers. Welcome to  bpdfamily. To answer your question, it depends. In most cases, yes, they move quickly. pwBPD find it very difficult (as in almost impossible) to be alone. Let’s observe it from your POV. You’re currently hurting and from what I can see, you’re able to look at yourself. pwBPD are currently hurting, and looking at themselves is more pain and anguish than they can handle. Imagine a four year old that has to take responsibility for adult mistakes and is expected to by outside influences. They can’t handle it. In many cases this same scenario molded them.

Has anyone else experienced this kinda thing? Them moving on so quickly?

Yes. S4’s mom has a pattern of this. Usually a month. She described it to me when talking about her ex husband. I went through the same thing as he did. My ex before her was out with another man the day after we broke up, and she asked me to marry her. She even got down on a knee. They can move fast, Dazzlers.

Try to keep something in the front of your mind for a while. It’s the disorder. The longer that you stay here and get to know us, and allow us to get to know you, things will start to make more sense. As a man, I know how hard it feels to be left in the dust like that. Don’t take it personally. Like mine, it sounds like your ex is unable to take the time to be alone to self reflect and process. With that being said, do you see anything changing for her?

[FJM]

Yes. Mine replaced me 2 weeks after we brokeup and spent new years eve in the same place that we used to with the replacement.
Ugly human beigns right?

[Dazzlers]

Thanks guys. Her being with someone else doesn’t really bother me that much, it’s just how it all happened. What really helps is looking at all of this from a logical point of view and realizing that I never want to go back to that.
Did she have him on the side before she left me? Did she cheat? I understand that I will never get those answers, that’s the only thing bothering me.

[KoRnyRocks]

I know how you feel man. my BPDex stopped all contact with me etc and the day after i saw her in the bar holding a guy in his hands.
I know that she had been flirting with this guy for a week or so, we werent together but in that week she kept me interested in her by telling me how she felt about me etc. I asked her to pick this guy, because i wanted to finally move on if she didnt want me. She couldnt choose, cuz as she said "if i choose him and i dont like it, i threw you away". I eventually pushed her away from me because i didnt want to be played with anymore.
It doesnt bother me she is with someone else. It bothers me she called crying to me how she loved me etc and the day after, she is with him and now im just a bad person in her eyes, blocked everywhere. she smear campaigns me out in town, yet she is with this guy.

So to answer your question, my ex didnt cheat from what i know... but she did indeed have a backup ready, because she would NEVER have acted how she did towards me if she knew she would end up without me or anyone else. Thats how BPD's think, they cant and will not be alone for long.

[blueblue12]

Hey dazzlers, like others I had a similar experience. Was discarded and she started with a new guy quickly, lasted a few months from what I gather, then as it didn’t work out, she came back crying saying I was “the love of her life” and we had to get back together, as I didn’t really seriously re engage, she then found a new guy quickly again. Haven’t heard how that has progressed as I went NC. It does leave you in a strange state, but I guess like others, you have to get to that point in time where you just don’t take it personally. I do miss her (the nice times, specially in the beginning) but now feel that I did my best in the situation I was in. I was good to her, loved her fully, was devoted and supported her 100%. I did my best. Maybe she regrets it now, maybe not, who knows.

[once removed]

i think that a person who initiates a break up (you mentioned in another post that she ended it, do i have that right?) often moves on the fastest, partly because they have already grieved the relationship at some level.

[FJM]

once removed dont know bout that. I havee been dumped and dumped others. And when it was me who pulled the trigger of breaking up it felt even worse than being dumped. Almost same time to heal too.
I never believed in grievin during the relationship. It alwalys sounded to me like girls excuse. One thing is to think about it and the other is to face it, do it and honor it.

[blueblue12]

I don’t know about that either once removed. My experience was kind of surreal. Yes she ended it, then when I said “ok goodbye” it was “no you can’t say goodbye”, then she wanted to restart, recycle me, in the meantime she had another guy which according to her wasn’t great, then when I didn’t really re engage she opted for a yet another new guy, was she actually falling in love so quickly? Or was it that as a BPD person she needed somebody, anybody there? It was nuts. Not quite the normal ending of a long relationship, rather sabotaging a good long relationship then realising she was wrong, when she was back she even said “well I made a mistake”. But never really owned up to the measures she employed to destroy our relationship, gaslighting all along, it was as she told me repeatedly “all my fault” at the time. Too weird for words I am afraid.

[once removed]

Yes she ended it, then when I said “ok goodbye” it was “no you can’t say goodbye”,

I havee been dumped and dumped others.
...
I never believed in grievin during the relationship.

think about it: if you had broken up with someone, you had tried first to make it work, and slowly but surely given up on that, and decided that the best thing for both of you was to move on. its an emotionally complex process...we might have second thoughts/change our minds/recycle the relationship, or in some cases a person may threaten a breakup to get their way and not have thought it through, and we may still have some grieving to do after the relationship concludes, but once we know we are done, we are done.

there are lots of reasons that a person might move on quickly. it can be difficulty being alone. it can be a way for trying to avoid or distract from grieving. it can be that by the time a relationship is over, the person has mostly grieved and shortly after, is ready to move on. for some, "getting back out there" is a persons norm, and part of the recovery process (right or wrong). there are others. i dont think its a one size fits all, or necessarily a "BPD thing" (though there are particular reasons why a person with BPD traits might use this method of coping)...lots of us have jumped quickly into new relationships too.  

in my case, it took me a long time to see it, because it was an especially painful thought, but my ex definitely read the writing on the wall, because i had emotionally abandoned the relationship for months, and deep down, i think we both knew it was over, but neither of us had the guts to end it. so i checked out emotionally, and she looked elsewhere. she coped with the aftermath of our breakup by cementing a relationship that seemed like a strong and likely/safe prospect. she had her regrets too, i think, but what was done was done.

[blueblue12]

One removed, you certainly paint a picture of the ending of a fairly normal relationship. Both parties checked out, it’s done. This certainly was not my scenario. And that is that reason I searched for answers, found a T and eventually this site. And I learned about BPD tendencies. I had no idea. The ending I experienced was strange, the relationship was sabotaged. I should have known though as she once told me “people with my kind of background sabotage good things.” I had no idea at the time what she meant, I found out ten years later.

[once removed]

you certainly paint a picture of the ending of a fairly normal relationship. Both parties checked out, it’s done.

i was describing a relationship where the writing on the wall was there for at least a year, but neither of us had the guts to end it...things were too good to leave, too bad to stay. one party (me) thought that the other (her) was incapable of leaving, and took that for granted. one party (her) looked elsewhere (other prospects) and needed a safe landing in order to cope with our breakup (she jumped into a new relationship that started before we were done). i think it was cowardly what she did (i think it was cowardly what i did). but i can make sense of it.

i couldnt at the time. it was too painful, and i was too deep in it. today, now that im more removed from the pain, its very obvious. at the time, it felt sudden, explosive, and i searched for answers too.

The last year was terrible, I was the monster and she detached completely for the entire year!

likewise, if you go back and read your story, you paint a picture of a relationship that was breaking down for a long time, over time, where the seeds of distrust were planted even as far back as the beginning, on both sides.

She would even say things like "I can't believe that we are in this position, as we were meant to be together forever, but here we are" it was like even though she knew that there was love and a committed relationship that her head was telling her that no matter what this had to stop.

she couldnt pull the plug either, Raul; her head and her heart were in different places. but you describe in clear terms what she knew deep down. and when that happens, the relationship slowly crumbles (usually involving a lot of hurt), even though the two may remain together for a while. in a relationship with someone with BPD traits, that swing back and forth can be even more extreme.

and when you wrote her the goodbye note, she had second thoughts...not unlike i did, where i had wanted to break up with my ex for a long time, but when she was the one that did it, i was a mess. then, two months later, you had second thoughts yourself, and got back together.

the breakdowns of mine and your relationship were complex and over a long period of time, but the cracks in the foundation were there from the beginning. i dont know about "normal", but dysfunctional relationships tend to end in dysfunctional ways (one or both parties jumping into a new relationship is often one of them). its important to understand what happened, and to learn the lessons, so we dont repeat history.