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Author Topic: A weight lifted  (Read 400 times)
Zabava
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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« on: April 21, 2019, 09:06:38 PM »

So I did not go home to visit my BPD sister and mum for Easter.  I've been enjoying my weekend with my kids and feeling pretty good.  At the end of the day though I get very sad and start to feel panicky.  My thoughts go to bad places and I start to feel self loathing and despair.  Up until recently I would stuff those thoughts down or give in to them and think about hurting myself.

I just had an aha moment though...I think I am healing (thanks to all the support I've received here) and when I forget to feel bad about myself my inner critic lashes out.  Whenever I found love and support outside my nuclear family in the past my BPD mum would accuse me of rejecting her, being selfish and being naive for trusting "outsiders".

Could my despair be an emotional flashback?  Could my psyche be trying to hold me back?  Or am I just delusional?
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Harri
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« Reply #1 on: April 21, 2019, 10:18:32 PM »

Excerpt
Could my despair be an emotional flashback?  Could my psyche be trying to hold me back?  Or am I just delusional?
I think it is a combination of the first two.  You/we will go through a struggle with our self as we try to change thoughts and beliefs and behaviors.  Those are lies that you were told and they sunk in deep.  Your mind will want you to go back to its 'normal' state even though that state was not healthy.  Your mind will try to pull you back to what is comfortable, in much the same way our family members try to do. 

Keep using the tools you now have: 
-Your therapist
-Us here
-The articles on the inner critic (understanding it and battling it)
-Asking yourself how you would feel if your kids experienced what you went through if you would feel it was no big deal?

Those are 4 very powerful tools that you have learned and will continue to learn to use as you work your way through this.  You will pick up more along the way.

Healing and recovery is an active process and we have to push (within reason of course).

Periods of grief will happen as you heal and, as difficult as they are, are good signs as it means things are changing. 
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  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Kwamina
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« Reply #2 on: April 22, 2019, 08:01:17 AM »

Hi Zabava Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I am glad you got the chance to enjoy your weekend with your kids  I am also very glad you are developing new ways of coping with the difficult thoughts and emotions that can still arise

Whenever I found love and support outside my nuclear family in the past my BPD mum would accuse me of rejecting her, being selfish and being naive for trusting "outsiders".

Could my despair be an emotional flashback?  Could my psyche be trying to hold me back?  Or am I just delusional?

You made a decision to protect yourself and put your own well-being first. It's a very healthy and mature thing to do, taking action to distance yourself from abusive behavior. Considering the messages you received from your family for so long, I can totally understand how you might question yourself at times like this though. It might help to consider what Pete Walker says about guilt:
"Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices from guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear. – “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”."

Pete Walker also says this:
"I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust, and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit."



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Oh, give me liberty! For even were paradise my prison, still I should long to leap the crystal walls.
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« Reply #3 on: April 22, 2019, 09:22:40 AM »

For me I try very hard to use Mindfulness and some of the practices of Buddhism in my day to day life. With this in mind I have found it is less scary with negative, intense emotions to only acknowledge that this is how I am feeling in that moment and just be present with that feeling for as long as it needs to be with me.
I try and explore where the feeling is in my body, breath into it and then exhale a calm breathe for as long as I need to.
What I do less of now is to try and work out what or why,  or where the emotion came from, I only accept that it is there, in me and I will be ok, because I know it will pass.
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