Extremely angry and guilty

[Tazzer4000]

I've been reading through many of the posts here and they are really helpful. Maybe I'm missing the ones about anger. At this point, having a break from my BPD16 I'm very angry at all the drama, havoc, and pain she's caused in our family. She has caused her autistic siblings a great deal of emotional distress. She has consistently tried to drive a wedge between myself and my husband. She has kept us in such drama and crisis that my other daughters are not getting the time and attention they need. All this while being constantly verbally and emotionally abused by her. I'm angry! And yet I feel horribly guilty for feeling angry. Anyone else feel/felt this way? Please let me hear from you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Peace63]

I share your feelings of anger and guilt.  My BPD20 started really acting out after her father and I divorced. She lived half time with each of us and she and her older brother would switch houses. My ex was a train wreck and my daughter felt completely abandoned by both of us when not with me. That's the guilt part for me.  I have financially helped her with everything, and still do and yet am often abused verbally and sometimes physically if she has a temper tantrum and doesn't like the message or question I am raising.  Yes, I go between anger and depression and hollowness wondering if I will ever be free of the roller coaster drama and the damage she has caused to our family.

[Lollypop]

Hi Tazzer

Angry? Oh yeah!  My house was at one time what I called “the house of the flying daggers”.

The swinging from anger, desperation and sheer frustration seemed never ending. Living in this heightened state of emotions was completely exhausting. I directed my full force and energy onto my teenage son. I just had to make him listen and change. I look back and see just how unhealthy a relationship I’d allowed. If I’ve one regret it’s that I put him as my number 1 priority and then try the impossible. I never stood a chance.

This was pre-dx at 24. In one way, I found myself lucky that dx came when he’d run out of answers, at his all time low and we finally understood that everything we’d ever done either didn’t work or made things worse. At 24, we had the benefit of a potential for change

Now I know it’s not easy I really do. Teenagers are just tricky at the best of times. Adjusting our behaviour to be more align to the whole, including ourselves is a positive first step. Counter intuitively then to learn how to interact with that “elephant in the room” so everybody learns from you.

BPD  are emotionally immature and need us to be strong. This means not being angry. It means getting clever, learning the skills and loading up your power toolkit belt and facing them fearlessly with an open heart, no judgments and some humour!

No pressure then! Ha!  It sounds impossible doesn’t it? Yet it can be done. Over the years I’ve seen many who have made real positive differences to their lives and moved on from this forum (they pop back once in awhile).

Being light as a fairy feels a lot nicer than an angry bear. We are in control of this - we are responsible for our own behaviours and reactions. Just as our BPD are responsible for theirs. Some might say - allow our emotions, go through the process. That’s true, but sometimes we get stuck and need a bolt to get us moving.

Sorry this is going on longer than I’d hoped!  We all want to be understood and feel loved. Our kids too.

The aim is to raise our children to have some skills so they can live independently.  If I could turn the clock back - this is where I’d put my focus.

Giving money isn’t an answer. They need to learn how to value it, and then manage it. This was my top 2nd priority for my son at 24. Yes -24 - he was like a baby. He’s got there now.

It sounds like you’re having such a tough time right now. Are you and your husband on the same song sheet?

LP

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello Peace
I join Lollipop in welcoming you here and assuring you that you have come to the right place for support. There is hope. Things CAN get better. The first step is self care. Posting here is part of self care. Are you doing anything else in the way of self care?

[wendydarling]

Hi Tazzer

I'm angry! And yet I feel horribly guilty for feeling angry.

You are not on your own, the ride of conflicting, overwhelming emotions. It's important to pay attention to our feelings like you are and working through them helps.

Do you think you are you grieving Tazzer?
Grieving Mental Illness in a Loved One

WDx

[Peace63]

Thank you for all of the support. I have found great relief in reading these messages and picking up nuggets of wisdom. I do have a therapist but realize that I need to be in with her more often.  I appreciate the tools here and the interaction with everyone. So much of it is about not taking it personally and remaining calm when interactions with my daughter are getting heated.  Appreciate you all!

[Tazzer4000]

Hello Peace
I join Lollipop in welcoming you here and assuring you that you have come to the right place for support. There is hope. Things CAN get better. The first step is self care. Posting here is part of self care. Are you doing anything else in the way of self care?

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist. We are trying to use this time while she's in juvenile to become better prepared for when she gets home. I am at a place where I can ignore her verbal assaults but I resent the fact that we have to live this way. I worked very hard to make sure there were no toxic or abusive people in my adult life. To have my youngest child become abusive and toxic is just more than I can take. She was never abused so I don't understand where she learned these behaviors. I guess it doesn't matter but I'm not willing go live this way any longer than necessary. I know that sounds harsh but if she continues to treat everyone this way when she gets home and has even more therapy, she will need to live elsewhere when she turns 18. I refuse to be treated like crap by her the rest of my life.

[Mirsa]

Hi Tazzer,

For a while, I wasn't just angry, I wasn't even furious, I was BLOOD BOILING!  My DD18 moved out six months ago so she could have a sexual relationship in her bedroom with a man 4 years older than her (she was 17 at the time, he was 21).  I said no, and her father said sure, c'mon over!  I had just invested about $10k in attorney's fees taking her father to court so that I could get child support for HER.  I won that case in August, she moved out in October, and now I've lost that investment, and have to pay him child support!  (he obviously had a huge financial incentive to let her get whatever she wanted at his home, but the judge didn't care.)

This was also after saving her life several times, caring for her during many years that she fought Lyme disease, home cooking all of her food to help her get well, managing her schoolwork with her, taking a leave of absence from my job to care for her, getting her an IEP, and the list goes on and on and on and on...   So she moves out, acts like it's MY fault, rocks my financial stability, goes no contact with me...anger?  anger? that doesn't even begin to describe it!

But, as others have noted, anger was the first step in the grieving process, and I am moving through the stages at my own pace.  I still cycle back into anger quite a bit.  But the sadness is there too, and the beginning glimmers of acceptance. 

Like you, I also feel guilty.  But not for feeling angry; that is completely 100% justified.  No, I feel a little guilty that I am just so damned relieved and happy that she moved out.  It was a gift in disguise, and she will never live with me again.  (I know, never is a long time...but I won't forget how exhausting it is to live with her daily drama, demands and tantrums.)   

I hope you and the rest of your family can enjoy the six month reprieve you've been given.  And remember:  our children have their own journey.  At age 16, you can support and guide her a little, but it's HER life and SHE has to live it.   Detaching from my kids' lives has been one of the best (and hardest) steps I've taken.  I have my own life to live, and dammit, I'm gonna' enjoy it! 

[Tazzer4000]

Thanks for that Marissa. I feel guilty for feeling relieved that she's no longer here. It's the first time in 3 years any of us have been able to breathe and relax. And I've realized that I'm no longer willing to live with her behavior. If it doesn't change, she will need take care of herself elsewhere.  That's what she's been screaming she wants for over a year and barring her making serious change, that's what she will get. Living with that abuse hurts all of us, including her. It's hard, but it might be necessary.

[FaithHopeLove]

I feel immense relief that my son no longer lives with us. Who wouldn't be relieved to be able to sleep through the night without waking up to the sounds of people fighting or things breaking? It doesn't mean we have less love for our children. In Alanon they talk about "detaching with love" from our alcoholic or addicted loved ones. It means refusing to enable destructive behavior, stepping away from the drama, staying centered and non-reactive, and most importantly reclaiming our own lives. Ironically, putting ourselves first is also the best thing we can do for our children. When they see us taking care of ourselves it can sometimes inspire them to take better care od themselves too. So I really hope you will get to the point where you can enjoy your peaceful space without feeling guilty about it. You are doing exactly the right thing for all concerned.

[jeanoc]

Tazzer 4000

I feel your pain.  Almost same situation as mine.  The thing I have a hard time doing is being happy and relax emotionally because I keep anticipating her next move.  It is going to be soon... It's been 6 weeks of no contact.  I  never sent her a bday present ...WEll, I did  at first and I know I put her shipping address on there but it showed up at my doorstep with my address on it.  I took it as a sign, Don't do it.  I think it  would've  given her more fuel for the fire.  I am sure she was surprised I never sent her anything but now she probably knows I know all the awful things she has said about me to her father.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

These posts really helped me today too.  Thank you.

[Tazzer4000]

It is hard. I worry about our next visit and I worry about what will happen when she comes home. I'm hoping she will have a wake up call before they release her but there's no way to know for sure. She's been gone for 4 weeks now and I would like to say I miss her but what I miss is the person she was before this disorder took over. Maybe I need to grieve the loss of that kid while she's away. Sorry, I'm rambling. Thanks to everyone who responds. It makes me feel less alone.

[jones54]

Hi Tazzer,
It has been a bit since I have been on this site. I am the father of a soon to be 34 yo BPD daughter (birthday next week). She has been holy hell most all of her life and for the past few years I have been the target of her anger. About 18 months ago she became homeless after her mother and I stopped supporting her due to heroin use. For years she had been verbally abusing me thru texts and e-mails. I have not seen her in over 6 months now. She moved into a halfway house about 2 months ago but reportedly was booted.
I understand the anger/guilt feelings. For years I would get so mad and frustrated not only by her abuse towards me but also her never ending drug addiction. It is hard that we keep remembering our kids when they were sweet and innocent with they now are being so horrible. I gave up on expectations because it was only a disappointment. My life is so much more peaceful without her close by. It still does not stop me wanting to have a relationship with her but the biggest thing I have finally learned is Acceptance. Not until I got to that point did I for once feel free. Don't get me wrong, I have times of feeling things will again possibly be "normal". But I highly doubt this will happen. She is and always will be God's child and He is much better at taking care of her than me.
Enjoy your time of relief. A therapist once said that just as getting better from a drug addiction is up to the individual to decide this, so is someone with mental health issues (not a psychosis). Help is available.  They know right from wrong and being an adult they can make their own choices.

[zachira]

You are addressing what is the key dilemma for many of us with family members with BPD. We are so affected by how badly we are treated by the people we love so much, and yet they blame us for their unhappiness. It is particularly painful for parents who love their children with BPD and their normal children with all their heart. In my experience, the long term solution is to work on being less triggered by how we are affected by family members with BPD and learning to have a more balanced happy life despite what is going on with our family member with BPD. There are many parents with a child with BPD who post on this site, who are in different stages of healing in dealing with their child with BPD. Do take time to read their posts and use the tools on this site. Keep us posted on how you are doing and let us know how we can be the most helpful.