S4 has given new info. Seeking advice.

[JNChell]

S4 has told me that his second cousin is living in the house. This is an addition to a troubled child that was added to the household some time back. I’ll spare any run-on details and get to the point. S4 has reported that his second cousin “puts him on the wall” when he’s “bad”. To be clear, S4 starts to talk at times. I don’t elicit. From what he described, it’s the same as being stood in a corner. I was stood in a corner as a youngster for what seemed like hours and mocked while standing there. Moving or sitting down meant a consequence. I wasn’t allowed to speak while in the corner. Maybe this new info is simply a bit triggering, but I’m not comfortable with my Son being disciplined in this way. It’s pointless to bring this up with his mom. I’m doing well at validating S4, but sometimes I get lost on what to say to him when he gives info like this. My immediate thought is to reach out to his mom. I know better than to do that now. I’m not yet properly skilled at coming back with a proper response, off the cuff, that seems to work when S4 is sharing experiences. I try, but he eventually shuts down and talks about something else, or says he doesn’t want to talk anymore. I know that it’s my lack of communication skills. How do I keep him talking? Should I look at this differently and view his demands as healthy boundaries? I’ve been working on teaching him about boundaries. Am I simply being a single dad that overthinks?

I don’t interrogate S4, but I do ask questions when he brings up certain things. Some of my questions, I believe, can become a bit leading. I’m hoping to read advice on communication with a toddler when the parenting styles between mom and dad are very opposite.

[Turkish]

Did you ask him how he felt about it?

[JNChell]

I always do. That’s when he shuts down for the most part. He becomes uncomfortable.

[Turkish]

 Sounds like he may feel shame. You could start with soft validation.  "that doesn't sound like a good time.  I was put against the wall when I was a kid too.  I felt X. How how do you feel?"

[JNChell]

He does feel shame. It bothers me. The littlest thing and he says “I’m sorry” with shame on his face. I validate him. I told him that I was put in the corner as a kid in subtle ways.

Having no control over the situation, I told him to think about funny things when he’s forced to face a wall. I’m really pissed off about this. I’m probably not handling it correctly. I want to do right by my boy.

[Turkish]

I have a buddy who puts his kid against the wall.  Bugs the  out of me.  I'd be really pissed, but I'd tell him that no way that will happen here,  even if I were mad at him. 

How do you think his mom would react if you brought it up? It's not her doing it. 

[JNChell]

His mom would flip it. I can’t even try to talk about these things with her without coming away feeling like a piece of  .

It doesn’t matter that it’s not her doing it. There is an imoveable family dynamic that hates men but can’t be without one. She allows it. Just like she allowed the previous babysitter to spank him. He smelled of cigarettes and the house smelled of dirty dogs.

[Only Human]

Hi JNChell,

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening with your son, I would be pissed about it too!

As you know, I have a 4-year-old grandson who lives with me, along with his BPD mom, my DD25.

As for how to keep your son talking, it sounds like you're doing alright by validating him. I think with kids that young, they are unsure about their feelings and want to move on to the next thing. GS4 will drop a bomb, "Mommy yelled at me because I was so rude to her," and I'll say, "Oh? How did that make you feel?" and he'll reply, "I don't know." or "It made me feel happy." (?)

I say "Oh?" a lot, as it opens things up for him to talk more. I also say, "And then what happened?" a lot.

I found a basic feelings chart, printed it, and we talk about feelings. He taped it to his bedroom wall and sometimes will ask, "Can we talk about feelings?"

Your son feels safe talking to you, that is so great! Keep up the good work, my friend.

~ OH

[Only Human]

I forgot to say, I always end tough talks with the statement, "Well, if you ever want to talk more about it, you can talk to me anytime."

~ OH

[JNChell]

Thanks for the advice, OH. I have started telling him that he can talk to me whenever he feels like he needs to. I like “can we talk about feelings?”. I’d like to find a way into that with him. I don’t want him to stuff his feelings. That never turns out well.

I’d also like to go back to what Turkish brought up about shame. S4 feels shame often. It’s on his face plain as day when he’s feeling it. I’m concerned about it. I think that I’m slowly chipping away at that. Lately, it’s been helping him to understand the difference between an accident and misbehaving. It’s kind of odd. When there is an accident, he feels shame. When he misbehaves, he doesn’t realize it. I also think that he’s entered a phase of testing me which is normal. Correct me if I’m wrong, but maybe the testing is an invitation for me to teach him what healthy behavior and actions are. Thank you for reaching out.