My SO has put me through all kinds of emotional trauma over the years

[Trobert]

My SO has put me through all kinds of emotional trauma over the years. She apologizes and says she apologizes for everything in the future as well. She has said many toxic things that haunt me to this very day. I see a therapist who has the complete scenario and tells me to take care of myself. I do that by exercising, teaching, and tutoring, all of which I love to do, and it has helped my students. So, I have gained some of my sanity back.

I do have family that is unfortunately far away and friends close by. So, when I see them along with everything I have already mentioned, then, it helps me, at least temporarily.

Due to her recent toxic remarks that I supposedly hover of her which is absolutely not true and she just told me I don’t, now, she just sent me a text that she wants to go out on a date. While this is a nice idea that we had done a long time ago on a regular basis, again, her words haunt me to no end. I am hurt by them. I also know that she is doing this out of shame, guilt. She even told me that she is too busy. I didn’t ask her again. Then, she literally said: “Well, we might as well get it over with”, and that was for our anniversary. So, the date seemed so artificial and meaningless.

I have taken out my anger, depression on myself physically which has landed me in the hospital many a time.

So, I am on the right website due to a very mixed up SO.

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[Harri]

Hi and welcome.  I am glad you found us and decided to post.

It sounds like you have a good support network between work you love to do, a therapist and friends.  You have us now too.  We understand and can help you as you share more.

I have taken out my anger, depression on myself physically which has landed me in the hospital many a time.

Can you tell us more about this?

[Trobert]

Thank you for your support! Yeah, it’s been a struggle dealing with my wife. I don’t act or say anything that’s inappropriate. In fact, I believe and practice respect, because everyone deserves respect; yet, she talks first and very much later, if at all, may apologize, but that’s very rare.

Yes, I have taken out my anger, depression on myself by eating the wrong foods. I am not overweight, but I could be eating healthier. Sometimes, I just get so frustrated with her taking her anger onto me. She hasn’t been physically abusive, and if she were, I would leave immediately. The emotional impact on me has resulted in drinking and eating the wrong things (sodas, gum, fast food, etc.), just to have comfort food from the chaos I have dealt with. I will never hurt or harm her in any way, because life is precious, although she makes me feel less than normal with her vicious comments.

[Trobert]

Today and tonight, she has been majorly depressed along with feeling very tight in terms of her neck. She said how the loss of her oldest daughter at 7 1/2 years old has affected her. This happened almost 20 years ago, and I have listened to her and her grief which she needs to do.

BTW, I am visiting my own daughter out of system, and my daughter gave me the option of going on the death date, if you will, of my wife’s daughter. So, I don’t want to leave her alone in fear of what she might do to herself. I don’t want to take that chance. Nothing has happened on the other death dates, though.

Some background about me. I have had some ambulance drives to the hospital due to different health conditions. Some of them landed me in the hospital. Recently, my blood pressure was 187 over 117. I was taken by ambulance to a hospital. It was a result of low potassium. My wife pays for our insurance, and we have never been billed, because her insurance and my Medicare have covered it all.

Tonight, she told me my lady ambulance ride cost $4,000. She didn’t mention that they saved my life, if I didn’t get the care. She was only interested in the cost. She said something just as cruel a couple of years ago when I was in a hospital bed in the hospital, that her insurance would increase. It did not.

Considering she lost her daughter, does she want to grieve more by losing me, too? I am truly disheartened by her blatant disregard of life, considering she lost her daughter, considering she is a pharmacist, and considering she is going for her doctorate degree in acupuncture.

[Borderlined]

I'm at a point I realize their illness is not who they are in their hearts.
Mean words hurt. And they can target the most mean and  cruel things to say. It's so hard to separate their illness from the real person.

[Trobert]

Borderline, you are so right! Also, all of us have a choice of what we say and what we do. If the choices are done with compassion, relationships flourish. If the choices are done to inflict any kind of pain, there are consequences to the inflicted due to the others’ toxic ways.

[Harri]

Hi Trobert!  I can very much relate to eating to self-soothe.   For me it is comfort, numbing and pain.  Ugh. 

Her grief over losing her daughter is natural and it is good that you can support her and you understand her grief.  It sounds like the anniversary of her death is about now?  That can certainly increase depression and make coping harder.  Other than increased depression, does she act out in other ways?  I am not looking to excuse.  I am trying to get a better picture.

I am sorry, i don't understand what this means: 

BTW, I am visiting my own daughter out of system,

Sorry.  I am a bit slow on some things.

Tonight, she told me my lady ambulance ride cost $4,000. She didn’t mention that they saved my life, if I didn’t get the care. She was only interested in the cost. She said something just as cruel a couple of years ago when I was in a hospital bed in the hospital, that her insurance would increase. It did not.

Do you think her responses could be related to dealing with stress poorly?  This is quite common in a lot of people, not just pwBPD (people with BPD).  Sometimes knowing what is driving the mean comments can help give emotional distance so the damage is not so strong.   What sorts of things do you say in response?

Considering she lost her daughter, does she want to grieve more by losing me, too? I am truly disheartened by her blatant disregard of life, considering she lost her daughter, considering she is a pharmacist, and considering she is going for her doctorate degree in acupuncture.

I am not sure can can see all that when dysregulated.   BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation and as such pwBPD do not have the emotional intelligence to combine the emotional and logical elements of situations when upset.   Does that make sense?  Again, I am not defending or excusing.  I am simply offering a different perspective that may lead towards better management of your own reactions so that you can respond better, not just for her, but for you as well.

It's so hard to separate their illness from the real person.

It is hard to see the person as a whole when they are being hurtful and lashing out.  I am not sure that seeing them as separate  from their illness is helpful though.  Personality disorders/traits are pervasive and do not only exist when people are dysregulated.   I don't think they define someone but they certainly are a part of that person as a while.

You might find this article, What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship helpful.  See what you think and we can talk about it more.  We have lots of other articles that may help as well.

[Trobert]

Harri, my wife acts out by being obsessive about a lot of things, such as studying an extreme amount of time and excluding our relationship. She also is very thin, all sk8n and bones. Since I have known her, she has lost about 20 pounds. She is probably about 110 pounds.

Sorry about the “system”. I started typing another word, and I didn’t check it afterward. Sorry about that!

Yes, her toxic comments are due to her being stressed. This is her coping mechanism. Very rarely do I respond to her toxic comments, because she replies with how stressed she is, that her life has a lot more stressed than mine. While this is true, it is very devaluing.

[COLB]

You are not alone.  I have been dealing with my BPD w for over thirty years.  I have come to realize that where we are in control (or should be) our BPD SOs are not.  They have this data of all the things that hurt us the most and when they boil over and cannot cope out, the tea pot spews out the most caustic damaging things.  Words that cut us down to our soul.  The things my wife has said leave me empty...it has drained my emotional being.  I have to find ways to replenish myself through time with my children and getting outdoors.   Keep focused on the long game.  Take care of yourself.  That is the first step to your having a better life.